1. I Wanna Hold Your Hand and Shove It Violently Down Your Throat
I can't believe Aunt Sookie made me sing in this seedy bar. She said it was just for one night and that it'd be great. She also said it was a great place to get over Finn because there was this really sexy thousand year old vampire but this place is just giving me brand new problems to get over about! I've never taken Aunt Sookie for a liar. This Eric Northman dude may look like a Viking wet dream with sparkling blue eyes and a badass husky voice and all that, but it doesn't make him the complete package because he is pure evil! Plus, he's probably murdered millions. What do you expect from a vampire, right?
Plus, Eric Northman is fuck as hell creepy. He once stared at me for like 30 seconds without moving then suddenly he exploded in a cursing tirade. His minion, Pam, followed suit and exploded into a cursing tirade in 15. And it wasn't like I was playing a staring contest during their stare fest , because I was talking when they were doing that whole saucer-eyes thingy.
So, I gathered my perplexed self and began to sing for the audience. I mean, surely, good talent has a place for anywhere. I thought of a cabaret song… If only I were wearing dark red lipstick and a polka dot dress with a daring neckline—classic! I wasn't though, so I settled for a song that fitted what I wore. I went with Don't Stop Believing by Journey because everyone loves that song, right? I do it on the mic, then suddenly, the Viking gets really mad at me. He tells me with this death glare. I feel the shudder down my spine, but talent knows no boundaries.
I sing a different song. Maybe he's not into Journey. I sing Eye of the Tiger—that's a pretty old song, right?
He makes a zipping motion with his mouth toward me. He seems to be busy at his office.
I try to sing Beatles. I mean, everyone loves the Beatles and they're like classic—and old. "I wanna hold your…"
Suddenly, a Viking was holding my hand.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP."
"Or I will shove your hand down your throat, got it?"
More where that came from. I'll update in more or less 30 hours. I'm keeping all my chapters short because these are really just jokes, right? And you know how jokes get sappy when they're too long?
I'll update quicker …