A/N: I've read many "New Moon" from Edward's pov before, but no one else ever mentions a couple of things that I feel are glaringly obvious. True, maybe that's why no one bothers, but I also feel they are extremely important if you're doing this scene and more so if you do the whole book. The solution? Write it myself.
Truly, though, it wouln't leave me alone until I wrote it.
This is taken direct from "New Moon: Chapter 3 The End".
If I were Stephenie Myer someone would have hit Jacob in Eclipse for kissing Bella in La Push. So I'm not her, and I thank c her for provinding the sandbox for me to play in! In this case even the castle's frame belong's to her.
Edwards worded thoughts, like what his family thinks when they are "thinking" to him, are in italics.
Two days. That's how long it had been since the incident. It had been agonizing, listening to Bella suffer from my silence. I knew that's what was causing her to tense up and pull into herself. I had seen it in her eyes several times over the last two days. The pain as I seemingly stopped responding to her touch, her words, to her. As if I could.
My mind had not been as silent around her as my body had been. Over the last forty-eight hours my mind had been working overtime, even for a vampire, to figure out what to do. My beautiful angel had been hurt because she had been with me. If she stayed with me she could be killed, or worse. She was convinced she wanted to be like me, having no idea of the reality of what this life is like. And the longer she remained with my family the more likely it was something bad would happen as a result, and then my resolve to leave her human may break. I would not allow something to happen to my angel's precious soul. I had found it, fallen in love with it, and I did not want either of us to lose it.
It had taken a long shouting session that had started as a family meeting, but eventually Carlisle sided with me. He told the family that since Bella was destined to be my mate it had to be my choice. I could faintly hear in his head, and his voice, that I had to make my own mistakes. "I really think you should stay with her, Edward, but we, as a family, will respect your decision." Alice and Emmett had told me off, loudly, for even thinking of leaving her. They scoffed at my objections and told me I was a blind fool. Rosalie was irked for having to leave. Esme was softer in her attempts to dissuade me from leaving "the best thing that's ever happened to you and this family".
That was the first night, after Bella had fallen asleep after her birthday party. I was quiet the next two days as I planned out how I would tell her good-bye. How could I convince her to let go? She was so stubborn I knew she may very well try and follow me. Unless I did something drastic. Unless I could convince her that I no longer loved her. I did not think that was possible. I had frequently told her how much I loved her, that she was my life. Convincing her I did not would take hours of my best lying, me repeatedly firmly, coldly, telling her I did not love her. I hoped it would not come to that.
My mind continued to play out the different ways this conversation could go. Would she yell and scream at me? I loved it when she displayed her tiger-kitten anger that scared no one. Would she see through my attempt, and get angry? I love the ferocious tiger she had deep within her, as well! Would she argue with me? My stubborn Bella, I love you. Would she believe me? Please, Bella, you must. Would she scream and cry? My heart clenched at the thought. I could not stand to see her in pain. If she cried it would take everything in me to walk away from her at that moment.
My beloved Bella was very perceptive. She could sense there was something wrong. I had noticed the few times she had curled up in fear of what may be coming. She was partly waiting for the bombs to drop, and now partly deciding to run to the bombs to stop the torturous wait. The time had come to say good-bye. I just hoped I could survive the good-bye. Looking into her loving face, so filled with fear, I reminded myself that I had to be strong. I was not good for her, whether she realized it or not. If she could not separate herself from the danger I represented, then I would have to do it myself, for her.
"Come for a walk with me," I asked her. I was barely able to keep my voice emotionless and only because I had decades of practice acting and lying. I carefully took her delicate hand in mine. It was an action I had done so many times before, but like everything else since her birthday party it held special meaning as it would be the last time.
At my words she tensed and seemed to want to argue with me. She knew that the bomb had been launched and locked on target. Though most of my brain was still focused on Bella and on the moments ahead, some small part had enough stray power to quickly think 'what's with all the military analogies?!'
Back in the moment again I could see her willing to find a reason not to agree with my request. So I pulled her along with me before she could protest, either verbally or otherwise. I would never force any lady to do anything no matter how minor, so I had to stop her protest. I knew she only wanted to protest in the hopes of deflecting the missile. I'm so sorry, my Bella. This has to stop. I have to stop hurting you with my very presence. I loved you too much to leave. Now I love you too much to stay.
Not wanting her to be unable to find her way back in the event I had to leave in a flash, if it became to difficult to stay and tell her good-bye, I kept to a well-worn path. I only took us past human hearing and kept to within view of her house. I did not need her getting lost in the woods after I was gone. Who then would find her?
My dead heart clenched again as I was reminded of one of the good things I did for Bella. There were other dangers that I protected her from. NO! I shoved the thought away. She would be fine, she had Charlie. She will be better without me.
I leaned against a tree and stared at my angel, drinking her in, one last time. I did thank whatever god there was that she had come in to my life, however briefly. She had lit it up and made my life so much better. For these past months I had been living in a dream, one I thought I would never be able to have. But now I was waking up, and releasing my angel, returning her to the world she had come from no mater how much she may protest. I prayed the other angels would look after her and keep her safe and happy for me since it was no longer my job.
Finally I began to gather up my courage so I could do this. To tell her good-bye. To possibly tell her as harshly as possible that I no longer loved her. I begged to whatever higher powers existed and cared for Bella that I would not have to do that. That she would let go without me having to utter the words that would rip my cold, dead heart apart.
"Okay, let's talk," she said to me. She was determined to put a stop to the silence that had been between us, I knew that. I'm sorry, Bella.
"Bella, we're leaving." I waited for her to yell at me that I can't leave her. Or to cry that she loves me. Or to say "that's not funny". Or to react in any of the other ways I had played this out in my head over the last two days. Naturally, she reacted in a completely different and confusing way, taking me by surprise. Her reactions always took me by surprise no matter how long or well I had gotten to know her. And now I would never know if we would get to the point where I knew how she would react to anything, never mind everything. The only thing about her reaction that didn't surprise me is that it surprised me.
"Why now? Another year-," she thought I meant to take her with me. A part of myself screamed at me to do as she assumed. But I ruthlessly shoved that part down as a larger part knew that would hurt Bella more than anything else in the end. So I cut her off.
"Bella it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's pushing thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." Make it about the family. It's for everyone, it's not about us. Please believe me, love. I kept that out of my eyes, and face. All she could see staring back at her was a cold statue, unfeeling. She stared trying to understand what I meant.
I saw realization hit her a moment before she spoke. "When you say we-," she whispered, a fearful note starting to creep in her voice.
"I mean my family and myself," I said. You, Bella, are better off here, without Vampires to haunt you.
I watched her as she seemed to try and comprehend what I had said. She seemed to be having troubling processing my words. I didn't blame her. And the longer it took her to process them, the longer I had to gather the strength to force out the next words. And the longer I had to look at her before I left her forever. I wondered if vampires get sick because I suddenly felt sick.
"Okay, I'll come with you," she said.
"You can't, Bella," I said. That would defeat the point of me leaving. "Where we're going… it's not the right place for you."
"Where you are is the right place for me," she shot back without hesitation. So she was going to argue with me for now, was she? I didn't know if this would make it easier or harder to get through this.
"I'm no good for you, Bella," I tried next. I was running out of my 'preferred-but-unlikely-to-work-on-Bella' arguments. I had a few arguments I knew would work, but I did not think I could force my mouth to utter them. And if I did I was certain I'd never forgive myself. Please! Let me go! I need you safe from me, Bella. Don't make me say it, please. Don't make me say those words, Bella, PLEASE!
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." I could tell she was trying to get mad at me, and that she was starting to feel desperate. You're the very best part of my life too, Bella, that's why I'm letting you go.
"My world is not for you," I told her, as I thought of the dangers she had already faced off from my world since she met me.
"What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" she yelled at me, her desperation growing as I showed no signs of wavering. I did not blame my brother, with his empathic powers it was likely that he was suddenly feeling the sudden thirst of six vampires, including mine- for Bella*. But I could not let it happen again.
"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected," I said. She had been in house full of vampires, and is known to be highly accident-prone! Of course it was bound to happen. Despite the fact that we normally feed off animals, it is still Human Blood we were designed to crave.
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-,"
"As long as that was best for you," I reminded her. This was getting harder by the second, and she was showing no signs of letting go. Please, Bella, stop fighting me.
"No!This is about my soul, isn't it?" she shouted at me now, and the fury had come to her defense at last, unfortunately for me. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward! I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!"
Oh Bella. I love you so very much. I would take your heart, but never your soul. I stared at the ground for a long moment replaying her words in my head, trying to find an argument to use to loosen her grip on me. But I knew it was hopeless, I knew I had only one hope if I wanted her to let go and heal. I had to convince her I did not love her. I continued to stare at the ground as I gather myself for this most difficult battle.
I had considered very carefully what exact words I would use here. It had not taken me long to come to a realization. I would not be capable of speaking the words "I don't love you" to Bella. It was physically impossible for me to do it. The very thought pained me, and my throat tightened up. There was simply no way for me to force those four words out of my mouth. And I wasn't going to try. I would have to put it another way.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me," I said when I looked up. In my head I finished that sentence: I want you to stay here, safe, healthy, and happy. I want you to be free from the dangers that come with my family. I don't want you to be in danger, and I am dangerous, and you can't let me go. So, my love, I'm letting you go. I kept my thoughts hidden much further behind my eyes than I had been hiding them earlier. Bella was perceptive enough that she might be able to pick up on how reluctant I was to say what I was going to say, so I had hidden behind a wall in my mind.
"You…don't…want me?" she asked, sounding confused. It took all of my reslove to steel myslef and utter my next word.
"No," I need you. She stared into my eyes as if they held the answers to all questions, which I suppose for her, they should have. But my eyes no longer held the truth, there was a mask between her and my love for her. I'm so sorry, my love.
"Well, that changes things," she said in a calm voice.
What!? Where was the denial? The shouting that of course I loved her, I had told her so only three days ago? Where was the anger that I was trying to lie to her? But I saw it in her eyes, she believed me, that I didn't want her! The pain of her belief was immense. I had to look away. The pain of my last utterance was so great and only made exponentially worse by her belief that I had to say something. I couldn't let her completely think that I was leaving because I stopped loving her, or caring for her. I had to do something to take back my last words without erasing what I intended by them.
"Of course, I'll always love you," always, my Bella. "… In a way." The same way I have always loved you, with all my heart. "But what happened the other night made me realize that its time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human," and it is time for you to see that, Bella. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." I prayed this helped heal some of the damage I had caused.
"Don't," Bella whispered in a heartbroken and defeated voice. "Don't do this." We stared at each other again, but I had made my decision. It was better for her if I left. And so I would leave. But my words still hadn't completely shaken her choke hold on me. I had to add more salt to the wound, which I already knew was a bullet to the heart. And she thought I wasn't a monster. I knew she placed others before herself, though, so if I made it about me she would let me go.
"You're no good for me, Bella." I said to her, as if there was anything further from the truth. I was no good for her, but she refused to believe it. At least I could say these words. At least I had not been forced to further imply that I did not love her. I could never say that. No matter how much it might have been needed.
"If…that's what you want," she said after a moment.
I nodded once, no more. I only wanted this for her, for her to be safe. Watching her reaction I was suddenly reminded of Romeo & Juliet, from the movie we had watched the other day. I was hit with a sudden panic. No, she wouldn't! Would Bella be that hurt, by my leaving? "I would like to ask a favor, though, if that's not too much." I asked trying to keep the panic that choking me out of my voice. I was desperate to keep her from doing that, by any means necessary.
"Anything," she promised, like she always did. Even though I had just broken her heart, she would still promise me her first born if I asked.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I was commanding her, something I would normally be disgusted by, but not now, this was too important. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" She nodded. I relaxed a bit. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him." And for me. Without you on this world there is no reason for me to remain either. Be safe!
"I will," she whispered.
And I'll make you a promise in return," I said. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." Maybe that way you will heal faster, my Bella. No, she's not MY Bella anymore, is she? She'll be somebody else's Bella, someday. All the more reason to stay away. Wouldn't want to lose my temper and kill her new- man. I mentally shuddered at the term I was originally thinking. Love. I could not stand the thought of her loving another as she had me.
But at my words of promise her knees were shaking. She had never looked less steady on her feet other than after the first time I had run with her on my back. It was killing us, the thought of separation. But she would move on, and it was better this than for her to truly die by some accident.
I smiled at her, gently. "Don't worry. You're human–your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." How well I had seen that over the years. So many couples convinced they had found "true love" only to break each other's hearts months later. Cheating, lying, divorce, and so much more. Vampires' emotions were just as heightened as everything else about us. When we found love, it was much more powerful than what humans love was. Bella could move on.
"And your memories?" she asked.
"Well" I paused, trying to decide how honest to be. "I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted." I will never forget you, my love. There will likely be no distractions. I will be miserable without you. But you don't need to know that- you'd never let me leave. I smiled at the thought.
I began to step away from her, I had delayed long enough. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." Good-bye, my love.
"Alice isn't coming back," she said with a look of surprised realization on her face.
I shook my head slowly keeping my eyes on her face for clues as to what she may be thinking.
"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
"Alice is gone?" her voice was empty.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."
"Goodbye, Bella," I said.
"Wait!" the word sounded choked, and she reached out a hand for me. I could bear no more.
I grabbed her hands and held them to her side. Once more I leaned down and lightly kissed her on her brow. It was all I could give her.
"Take care of yourself," I whispered to her. And I dashed away before she could open her eyes- which she had closed. I dashed away before I could stop myself. I dashed away before I could kiss her further. Before I couldn't run away. Before she could continue to beg me to stay. Before she could cry, that could very well be my undoing. I could not bear another minute of our tortured goodbye.
I ran faster then I ever had before when Bella's life was not at stake. I had to get away before she could plea to the God who loved an Angle such as her for me to return. If I heard her plea I would be lost. Thought without her I was also lost. Faster and faster I ran, away from the one who was once my Bella. My Mate, My Love.
Love, life, meaning… over.
* I do not think in canon Edward thought/realized that Jasper's empath powers affected his thirst. But I've seen it in many Fan Fics and I really think it's accurate. So I put it up here too.
Last notes: So what was so important that no one else mentions? Review with your answers, please. I want to see if I made it clear. I'll add another AN as chapter 2 for the answer if requested.
Check out the AN / ch 2 for the things no else ever mentioned!