Nightmares of New Year

Disclaimer: Azumanga Daioh is the property of Kiyohiko Azuma and J.C. Staff. No copyright infringement intended. This crack series is based on Episode 8. Welcome to Nightmare Zone, reader.

The Marriage of Kaorin

Kaorin found herself inside a church cathedral. It was ornate with classical art from the ceiling to the floor and up to the stained glass windows. The pews were decorated with flowers and lenins. Seated there are the school's students and their parents, and random guest dressed in their best formal clothes. But what got her attention were her friends in long beautiful white dresses and veils. They are holding bouquets of flowers in their hands. She looked at them and was amazed by how gorgeous they looked. She looked at Sakaki and she almost fainted. Her friend seems to give of an angelic glow and, well, they all do! She looked at Chiyo and she's in a wedding dress too. This bothers Kaorin. She's too young to be married!, she thought.

"Hey, guys, you all look awesome!" she said excited, "But why is Chiyo in a wedding dress?"

"Don't you know, Kaorin?! We're getting married!" shouted the wildcat Tomo.

"But Chiyo's too young! And whom are you getting married to, anyway!?" she demanded.

"Oh, a special arrangement, and the groom's on the altar already." Said Yomi in a happy and matter-of-factly tone. Kaorin looked at the figure looming at the altar. He was wearing a white tuxedo which consisted of a tailcoat, waistcoat and white pants. The only thing of any other color is his black tie and shoes. But what caught her eye is his face. He wears round glasses and a gaping mouth. It's none other than Kimura-sensei!

"WHAT! You're getting married to this guy!?"

"Correction, Kaorin. WE all are getting married to him." Chiyo excitedly said. The next thing she knew she was holding flowers and in a wedding dress.

"NOOOOOO! THIS CAN"T BE HAPPENING!" she started to hyperventilate and an organ is playing Richard Wagner's Bridal Chorus. The girls, except Kaorin, begin marching down the aisle to meet their soon-to-be husband. Kaorin feels she's about to lose her mind then someone gently touched her shoulders.

"Calm down, Kaorin. This is the most exciting moment in your life." She said reassuringly. The terrified teenage bride looked back and freaked out. It was Mrs. Kimura and she's wearing a long sleeveless lavender dress! So as her best friend, Chihiro, and Kurusawa-sensei. This has turned into a surrealistic nightmare. Mrs. Kimura is holding her veil and train. Chihiro and Kurusawa-sensei are holding the trains and veils of the others and following them down the aisle.

"AREN'T YOU MARRIED TO HIM!?" she screamed. She sweetly answered, "Why, yes. But my husband had confessed to me how he loved you all so dearly that he wants to marry you. So I helped him open up to all of you and you accepted his proposal."

"PROPOSAL!? What are you talking about!?" Then she had a flashback where she and her friends are walking home and they encountered the teacher, kneeling in the ground and offering them seven rings in boxes.

"Will you marry me?" he asked dramatically. There was a pause but the girls slowly smiled in delight.

"Yes, Kimura-sensei. We will marry you." they answered. Except Kaorin.

The flashback's over and she yelled, "OH CRAP! HOW THE HELL DID I GET A FLASHBACK!?"

"Don't worry, my soon-to-be fellow wife, I will help you all in your wedding night. And by the way, my name's Kasumi" Mrs. Kimura cheerily said. With that Kaorin walked nervously down the aisle. There were cameras clicking everywhere which doesn't help her anxiety. Now the moment of truth has arrived. The moment she becomes one of the creepy sensei's wives, together with her friends. Adding to this hallucinogenic trip out are Kimura's daughter and Chiyo's ex-classmates, Miruchi and Yuka-chan, being the flower girls spreading their payload of flowers all around. Kaorin feverishly stepped forward and saw two more people in the altar. One of them is their English teacher, Yukari-sensei, dressed in priestly garments and the other is their male classmate, Masaaki Ohyama, who's standing by Kimura's side. He is evidently the best man and held the rings. The girls assembled in a loose arc around the altar. Yukari begins officiating the wedding and Yomi was the first to step forward.

"Kimura, do you take Koyomi 'Yomi' Mizuhara as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" announced Yukari.

"I do," he answered, his face beaming with genuine bliss.

"And Yomi, do you take Kimura as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?"

"I do," She answered calmly and blissfully.

Masaaki took out the rings and handed one of them to the teacher. He took one engraved with Yomi's name and said, "Please, take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity."

She answered, "I take this as a sign of my love and faithfulness." He puts the rings in her finger and there were cheering and clapping all around. Kaorin's eyes went blank, her mouth gaping in shock, and she felt the life drain from her body. WHY DID YOU MARRY THAT BASTARD, YOMI!? WHY?!

"And you may kiss the bride." Cocluded Yukari. Yomi and Kimura kissed-on the lips. She then stepped out and rejoined her fellow brides. Kaorin thought, I think I'm gonna be sick. There was a pause and Tomo kicked ever smiling Osaka's heel, signifying that she's next. She stopped day dreaming and smiled more. She approached the altar. Yukari officiates the wedding and Kimura exchanges his wedding vows to Osaka.

"And Osaka, do you take Kimura as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" asked Yukari. Osaka just smiled and her eyes are staring into some invisble being. Kimura sweatdrops and Yukari repeated the question, her voice a little annoyed. No answer and Yukari's core brain temperature has just risen OVER 9000!

"OSAKA, ARE YOU GONNA MARRY HIM OR NOT!?" she screamed in frustration and her eyes glowed red. Osaka snapped back to reality and said, "Ohhh, sure I do." Masaaki gave to Kimura Osaka's ring and Kimura puts it in her finger.

"Wait. Do rings go on the left hand or right hand? If on the right hand, which finger do put the rings on? The thumb or the middle-?" she absentmindly asked.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER! JUST REPEAT WHAT YOMI HAD JUST SAID!" shouted Yukari in her over 9000 self. Osaka replied, "Oh, right." She did and...

"You may kiss the bride." Said Yukari, who sighed in relief. Kimura had to carry her to kiss her. Kaorin flips out in at this non sequiter. She said to wryly herself, "Osaka would mary this guy anytime at any age and wouldn't even know it." Then came Kagura's turn. This was totally unexpected for Kaorin, who is undergoing color failure. Kagura the athlete is about to marry the man who peeks at her during swimming class and when she's taking her measurements at the clinic. And now that guy is gonna get what he wants from her.

"Kagura, You're marrying him!?" she screamed. Kagura answered, "Duh, Kaorin. He proposed to me. Don't get yourself all worked out."


Kagura the tomboy, slowly shone with Bishie Sparkle and Luminescent Blush which makes her more womanly. "He saved my life," she softly said. Then Kaorin had a flashback of them at the waterpark where everyone is enjoying summer and Kimura was watching perversely from the crowd as usual. Kagura was so excited to swim that she forgot to do her warm ups so while she was swimming at the deepest part of the pool she got cramps. She suddenly thrashed her arms wildly in the water and is sinking fast.

"Hey, look at Kagura, she's doing the drowning man!" shouted Tomo who was the first to spot her. But her friends aren't impressed. They're completely mortified!

"C'mon guys! Let's save her!" shouted Yomi as she pushes Tomo aside and into the pool to make way. But the pool is crowded and no one seems to notice the drowning Kagura. But then Kimura, noticing the danger, leaped up from the crowd and jumped into the middle of the pool. There was a splash and everyone looked the direction where Kimura...splashed. Then he popped out of the water with Kagura in his arms. He swims to the other side of the pool and lays her down carefully on the floor. He turned her head to drain water from her mouth and performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He checks her pulse and begins the cycle again. Kagura starts breathing and she saw the face of her savior, the perv Kimura.

"T-T-Thank you. You saved me," she awkwardly said. He modestly answered, "It's nothing, really."

"Yay! Daddy's a hero!" cheered his daughter. Flashback's over. Kaorin shouted, "I gotta stop having random flashbacks!" Kagura's turn is over. And now Tomo's turn has began.

"...until death do you part?" asked Yukari.

"You bet, Yukari-sensei!" she excitedly said.

"That's Father Yukari to you, Tomo!" corrected Yukari.

"Oh yeah," she awkwardly said. Kimura puts in her ring and they exchanged vows of fidelity.

"And you may kiss the bride." Yukari concluded. And Tomo and Kimura embraced and held each other's heads so closely that it almost touched their faces for a while. They paused for a second and they kissed-FRENCH KISSED! Kaorin's mind screamed, TOMO, YOU'RE SUCH A SLUT! AND A CORNY ONE AT THAT!

She asked her, trying to grapple her rage, "W-W-Why the hell did you marry that guy?"

She came behind her and, with a catlike smirk and eyes narrowing mischeivously, lecherously whispered, "'Cause I wanna get laid with him." That confirms her suspicions and makes her more angry. She gave off a demonic aura and her eyes turned red. You think it's joke, Tomo. We're gonna be deflowered in no time! She snapped out when Chiyo came up the altar. DON'T! CHIYO-CHAN! SAY NO! SAY NO! SAY NO! But there is nothing on her face that says she was unhappy or scared. It was glowing with happiness, which made it creepy, and she was moving unhurried to the altar with all dignity. He approached him and...

"Don't do it, Chiyo! Don't tie the knot with him!" she frantically shouted.

"Don't worry, Kaorin. You'll get your turn," she happily said, "Isn't it fun that where all getting married together."

"WITH THAT CREEP!?," Kaorin snapped.

"He's not creepy. He's just misunderstood." Chiyo smiled.


Kasumi Kimura noticed that Kaorin is about to crack so she calls two of the wedding guest, Mion Sonozaki and Rena Ryuugu to restrain her.

"Mion, Shion, please help Kaorin. She's about to faint." she sweetly called. With that Rena and Mion rushed to her and grabbed the panicky schoolgirl's arms. They injected into her arm some sedative. It calmed her down but not her mind. She was watching Chiyo and Kimura exchanged vows with horror and her heart beating so loudly so fast that she couldn't hear them. Her vision blurred but she can see Kimura picking up her short classmate to kiss her. It seems that things couldn't get any worst before her came up. The sedative wore off and Chiyo is back. But happened next hit poor Kaorin like a sledgehammer: Sakaki's next! NOOO! The tall, dark and bishoujo girl that worships so much is about to be wed to the creep that watches her during his class. In fact Sakaki exudes so much beauty that she resembles a maiden about to be sacrificed to a monster. In this case it is all too true. Sakaki step forward and...

"Sakaki! Why are you doing this!?" Sakaki looked back and saw Kaorin, who was shaking with horror.

"Kaorin, what's wrong?" She calmly asked.

"Y-You're marrying him, too?" She stammered," But why?"

"You see, Kaorin," she serenely smiled, "It's a long story." She then explained about how she encountered Kimura. One afternoon shile she was going home she saw Kamineko in it's usual perch on the wall. Always the eternal optimisit that she is with cats, she tried to touch it but as usual the evil gray cat bit her. However, it wasn't the usual bites that it dishes out to her. Kamineko was biting her hand very violently. Sakaki, screaming loudly, fell on the ground and tried to shake off the stray cat off but it dug its claws deep into her hand and wrist. Her hand is bleeding badly and she tried prying Kamineko but the cat only clinged harder and bit her more. She struggled until Kimura sensei appeared. He grabbed her wrist and pried the cat loose. He grabbed Kamineko and threw it away. She looked at Sakaki, teary eyed from the violent struggle, and picked her up. She picked up her handerkerchief with her good hand and wiped her face.

"Do you have any first aid?" He asked her. She shook her head.

"I'll take you to your house. You must have first aid."

"Thank you, Kimura sensei." She replied. He then wrapped her bloody hand with his own handkerchief and supported her by putting her arm on his shoulder as she took to home. It was empty but not for long, Sakaki's parents arrived home from buying groceries. There he explained what happened as he treats Sakaki's wounds. Her parents were so happy that one teacher happened to be there for their daughter when she was in need but where skeptical due rumors of his obsession for very young girls. The next day Sakaki did not go home immediately but did something else: she went to Kimura's house. She told her parents that she was going to Kagura's house to help her with something. She arrived and rang the doorbell. It opened and she saw Kimura and his beautiful wife. She sat with them at the living room and realized where his obsession stems from. He used to draw nude sketches when he was in high school and Mrs. Kimura was his model. It usually takes place from the prying eyes of the outside world. For him high school girls are the perfect models for nude art: beautiful and untouchable. Now Sakaki understood about why he developed it.

"That's the whole story, Kaorin." She explained. Now Kaorin's fear-o-meter has risen to OVER 9000! She couldn't take anymore this insanity. She looked all around as if looking for a way out.

"And you're parents let him have you're hand!?" she shouted.

"Yes." Sakaki answered. Kaorin hyperventilates in fear. She coudn't stand watching and listening to the unthinkable. But she tried salvage the situation.

"Don't do it, Sakaki! You only know what he wants you to know! He's gonna do things to you that you wouldn't even dream of!" she pleaded. But too late! Everything is under way.

"...Until death do you part?" Yukari asked.

"I do." Sakaki answered. Kimura gently puts a ring on her finger and they exchange vows of fidelity and they...KISSED. But the 'I do' is enough to mentally send Kaorin spiraling downward and the kiss was the finisher. She recalled Kimura's laugh from the sports fest where she went from heaven to hell when she changed partners during the dance. No, Sakaki. Why did you do this? Why are you giving in to him? Don't you know there's more than nude sktches in his mind?

"Kaorin...Kaorin...Kaorin." Sakaki calmly called. "It's your turn. The poor girl finally snapped out from her near breakdown... and realized that she is next!

She moves limply with fear written all over her face. She is frightened as hell as Mikuru. She steps in front of the grinning face in front of her. Now it seems like the end of her.

"Kimura, do you take Kaori Aida as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" Asked Yukari.

"I DO!" shouted Kimura as he pumps his fist into the air in jubilation oblivious to a frightened Kaorin, who visibly shaking from those words.

"And Kaorin, do you take Kimura as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" Yukari enquired. The bride shook and whimpered. Yukari looked annyoed. She called out again and nothing came from her mouth. Cross popping veins appeared no her head.

"C'mon, Kaorin, I don't have all day!" She angrily said.

"Yeah, Kaorin!" shouted Tomo," We wanna throw the flowers already!"

"Don't worry, Kaorin," comforted Yomi," You can do it."

Everyone is waiting for Kaorin to tie the knot so they can continue with everything. Especially Tomo and Kagura who are itching their hands to throw their bouqets at the already agititated bridesmaids minus Nyamo, Chihiro and Kasumi Kimura who are crowding and murmuring like the seagulls from Finding Nemo and hoping they scored a direct hit on their heads. Kaorin is confused. She so does not want to marry this perverted freak but what's she gonna do? But then she remembered what Mrs. Kimura said. 'Don't worry, my soon-to-be fellow wife, I will help you in your wedding night'. She thought, Wait a minute, you're like him too!? It dawned to her that his saccharin sweet and seemingly innocent wife is actually...No! I'm not going down like this! She resolved. Now she finally found the courage. I'm sorry you guys! I'm sorry Sakaki! But I can't go with him! Kaorin must act now.

"KAORIN! What are you waiting for!?" Shouted Yukari, who's pissed. Kaorin's eyes are obscured by her bangs but she's not scared anymore. She shouted, "NO! I WILL NOT MARRY YOU YOU!" The groom, the brides, the best man, the three bridesmaids gasped and the guest gasped and rose from their seats in shock. Kaorin was

She continued on,"Everybody! Don't be decieved! This man here is a horrible pervert! He watches us at the pool when were getting swimming lessons! HE keeps a flower garden of me and him even if I don't-"

"And he slipped a ring into your finger." Yukari slyly noted. Kaorin looked at her finger and saw the ring on her right hand... and in her ring finger. She shreiked and grunted as she frantically tried pull it out but it's stuck. Dumbfounded, she tried pulling harder and harder but it was no use.


Kimura beamed and said, "You've always been the feisty one so I slipped it in." then he shouted, "AND IT'S A SIGN!"


"WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER, WOHOO!" He pumps his fists into the air in triumph and jumps up and down.

"ARRRGGGHHHHH!" Kaorin screams her head off, lifts her skirt a bit and runs from the altar but Sakaki stops her.

"Kaorin, whats wrong." She asked trying to calm her friend down. The panicky fangirl looked at her, her eyes bulged, pupils widen and cried a river of tears, LITERALLY. "I'm sorry, Sakaki. But I can't go with him. I'll help you somehow." Kaorin sobbed and planted a kiss on her friend's cheeks then goes on running past the suprised wedding guest until Sephiroth and Arthas jumped in front of her.

"Cease and desist your pathetic flight, foolish young maiden!" Arthas accosted then pulls out Frostmourne.

"Do not dare ruin our schadenfruede moment, puny little bride! This is better than Happy Tree Friends and Annoying Orange!" Sephiroth bellowed brandishing Masamune. Kaorin raged. She's not gonna two game villains cut her off from freedom.

"BRING IT ON YOU ALBINO BITCHES!" She roared then grabs the nearest flower stand. The two gave out haughty evil laughter when they saw this.

"How ironic. I whacked a small girl who sells flowers and carries a stick and now I'm gonna do it again on you!"

"And I for one killed an elf woman who's annoying like you and made her my slave! Now I'll knock you out for that sensei to drool on you!"

"Actually she manage to break out of your former master's control and shoot an arrow up your ass." Sephiroth corrected.

"SHUT UP, SEPH! Don't you dare bring that up again!" Arthas yelled and then frowned. "Great! You ruined my finest villain moment!"

"Relax, Arthy. I'm just setting the record straight."

"'Set the record straight'. That's rich for someone decides to become a god! And at least I come from a family, test tube boy!" Arthas retorted.

"Oh yeah! At least I have no dad to kill and don't spend time freezing my ass off on an ice block and being a corpse king!" Seph rapidly shot back. Stalin scolded the two,"Why don't you both get this over with or I'll have you shot!" The villains finally shut up.

"TIME FOR A STUN BLOW!" They shouted in unison as they jumped up, raised their swords and tried to struck Kaorin from above but she blocked the blows with her flower stand and pushed the blades away. She then jammed both ends of the stand in their crotches and they dropped the blades and knelt in pain, covering their busted eggs. She frontflipped, did a double mid-air somersault, and spun it like baton, whipping their heads in a pinwheel of pain. She gracefully landed on the floor and rushed to Seph and landed a blow squarely on the top of his head. She went beside Arthas the fallen prince and did a baseball batting to the back of his head. She earned a Double Villain Bash achievement and ran on until Bolshevik Red Party Chairman Great and Glorious Comrade Commie Tsar Joe Stalin and his disciple/wannabee Imran Zakhaev blocked her.

"Miss Aida," said the dictator with a scary sneer, "I'd like you to meet-" But Kaorin unleashed MW2's RPD Rapid Fire Extended Magazine Akimbo FMJ Grenadier w/ Masterkey Shotgun plus the Stopping Power perk on the sadist and the wannabee and afterwards used the Predator Missile, Precision Airstrike, Harrier Strike, Attack Helicopter, Pave Low, AC-130, and Chopper Gunner perks on them before she fired double RPGs that sent them flying and screaming, "MAMAMIA!" before they crash through the stained glass window above the door. She dashes out then stopped by Borat Sagdiyev.

"In Kazakhstan, the men from the wedding are encouraged to stop the screaming bride from running away on her wedding and girls your age and younger make the finest brides." Said the crazy journalist with satisfaction. Kaorin quickly grabbed the nearest flower stand and shouted, "GO SCREW YOUR GOAT YOU INBRED RETARD!"

She bashed it into his crotch and he kneels in pain. She bats his face and runs away. Borat shouts to Azamat Bagatov as he writhes on the floor in pain covering his crotch, "AZAMAT! That crazy schoolgirl wrecked my khram!" His fat friend comes and helps him up. She then beats up Kefka, the metrosexual homoerotic Harlequin-like clown and Revolver Ocelot, who resembles Imran and even loses his arm one time. She ran and she's about reach the door to freedom. But a figure came into sight and looms at the doorway. It's Yukari. Kaorin stopped and hesitated while she looked at the crossed-armed and visibly angry teacher.

"Please let me go, Yukari-sensei. Please let me go if you still have any decency left." Kaorin begged.

"And what!? Ruin my chance to have free food and alcohol!? I don't think so, Mrs. Kimura!" Yukari replied. Kaorin screamed and tried to sprint by her but the teacher quickly grabbed her with both arms. She then carried the screaming and struggling bride on the side like a futon and walked to the altar triumphantly. "NO!NO! PLEASE NO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! I DON"T WANT HIM! I NEVER WANTED HIM! PLEASE ME GO!" She sobbed, screamed and struggled as the teacher gets closer and closer to the altar, her footsteps getting louder and Kimura's maniac laughter echoes throughout the cathedral.

Kaorin suddenly woked up from her dream in cold sweat. She looked around her room and let out a sigh of relief. She said "It was...just a dream. I'm glad that's over." But there was a tapping on the window.

"Hello, Kaorin-chan!" Cheered a grinning Kimura who was flying outside, his big bat wings flapping loudly. Kaorin saw that he his lower body is missing and she sees his junk hanging out from his upper torso. She screamed and woke up again then her parents rushed in.

"Kaorin, what's wrong her mother asked. She looked at them and shouted, "Mom! Dad! Let me sleep with you tonight!

Enjoy the Nightmare.

I'm sorry if I made some of the characters OOC. Especially Tomo, who I wrote off as kissing Kimura deliciuosly and it's certainly OOC for her but this is Kaorin's nightmare.

Special guest appearances of Arthas, Kefka, Sephiroth, Mion and Rena, Revolver Ocelot, Imran Zakhaev and Borat.

Kimura with bat wings and half body is a reference to the manananggal, a ghoul and vampire like creature in Philippine folklore that can divide itself in search for prey.

Looking forward to the next nightmare.