Osaka's Surreal Space Adventure, Part II

A/N: This part is where the majority of Peacekeeper's ideas I've written. I thank him so much for helping up with this, without which this would've stalled for much longer. My longest by far.

Back in the waking meta-world, Osaka was spazzing.

"Oh no!" Princess Rosalina gasped. "She's undergoing the spice agony! And her mind is open to Monika!"

"Maybe some morphine can calm her down," suggested Ohyama.

"No!" Sakaki protested. "She must be undergo the Agony! And no drugs!"

Osaka on the couch was helplessly grasping at air.

A slight flash appeared in the sky above the Observatory. Then ships appeared, bearing the banner of the white ribbon. Everyone began to panic.

Then the zapping began. "Oh bollocks," Blackadder muttered dryly.

"Yay!" cheered Baldrick. "It's the Fourth of July."

Monika had arrived! For everyone on the Comet Observatory, it felt like the End Times have come.

Just in time to the tunes of Joywave's Destruction came Monika's army as battle buses appeared to disgorge their of moronic kiddy-Quake players known as Fortniters. Lumas and remnants of Peach's Toad army responded by setting up defenses and preparing their extremely warm welcome.

The idiots glided in only to meet fire from Engineer's sentry guns, tearing them into a rain of bloody confetti. Those that got past it where shishkebab'd by the Toads' spear wall. Other Toads played Duck Hunt with their rifles in the gliding hoard of stupidity. But some managed to land and did their usual mayhem running and gunning like they did before at the Mushroom Kingdom.

Everyone not in the fight run for cover and barricaded their homes to shield themselves from the onslaught fueled by sugar and Red Bull. That was to no avail. Demoman kept blasting them to fishbait and used his Claymore to cut down their numbers. Soldier fired rocket after rocket into the clumps of idiots to cull their population. Pyro spread his love to the Fortnutters with his flamethrower, delighted by their screams of joy (pain, actually) as they crumpled in flaming heaps.

Sniper was dolling out headshots like Pepsi cans in the middle of a Florida summer, his kills turning up like ragdolls. Heavy laughed in joy was his minigun tore up hoards and hoards of Fortnutters, leaving screaming and dying a heap of their own guts and blood and Medic helped by Ubercharging him, making him a juggernaut against hits from their foes. The carnage was just another hectic in the office.

The Toad-installed cannons on the Observatory fired upon the Battle Buses and Heinkels of the invasion force, the Bullet Bills craving a path through the invasion craft, taking some still with their cargo of fools aboard. Seeing them explode was glorious! And Michael Rosen leading Spitfires to the rescue added to the epic war drama swirling around the Observatory.

But nothing can stop the kiddy-battle royale tide coming in. Their numbers made headway and were making things difficult.

"Quick! The intelligence!" Spy ordered to Scout.

"I'm on it!" Scout took the intel (pictures of Blue Scout's mom) with him, zipping through the carnage, bonking unfortunate Fortnutters with his bat, and moved around while Spy went dark.

Rainbow Dash manned a Ma Deuce! "Fifty caliber is magic, suckers!" She laughed maniacally as she tore some limbs and holes on the horde.

Of course, none of that wasn't unnoticed by Shepard and Pals. "Quick! To the Normandy!" They ragdolled their way back to the ship amidst the swirling chaos of Toads, Goombas, Task Force 141 running around to defend the docks, activated the defenses and fired up the engines so they can blast the invasion with their firepower. The space battlecruiser roared to life, firing into the Fortnutters and Battle Buses, pulling out of the docks , breaking and dragging a portion of it still tied to its moorings to do battle.

"Osaka! Wake up!" Chiyo urged as the battle raged on.

Back in Meta-Dreamland, Osaka was unicycling for her life from the giant robot on her tail, manned by Pedobear. "I'm gonna get yah! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"AHH! CHIYO! HELP MEH!" Along the way, she's passing by ads featuring from Dunkin Donuts to Got Milk featuring Just Monika. A Monika head flew by her.

"Don't fight me, join me!" it encouraged.

Osaka turned to the smiling Monika head. "Hey, wai isn't Kimura Teddy Bear after yah? Yeh're uh teen too."

Then out from nowhere came Chris Hansen. "Stop villain! Why don't you take a sit over here?"

"SHIT!" Pedobear screamed as he tried to wheel around the NBC reporter but he lost balance and crushed him instead, leaving Osaka to be home free.

"Yay!" she cheered as she arrived to a door. She went in and slammed the door behind. "Ah'm safe!"

"AH! Guests!" chimed a delighted South Park Saddam, who was miniaturized. She looked at the room was walled with red curtains, had three black leather easy chairs, and a black-and-white zigzag patterned floor.

"Hey! Ah thought yew wehr dead?" she exclaimed.


"What? Relax guy," he whined, "and look over here. Just in time to see me dance."

"Dance?" she asked.

Then Saddam did a cha-cha-cha to some smooth jazz. "Worried? Aboot what? Take a load off! Relax!" As he was swinging his ass, something appeared from far away. Shrek crashed right in the middle of the room.

"Hey, Shrek!" screeched Saddam, his head splitting along the mouth as usual. "This is a VIP spot! Piss off, yah green fatass!"

"Green fatass? It's never OGRE!" Shrek shot a death glare which the dead dictator dodged.

"Can't hear yah over how awesome my dance is!" Saddam mocked.

"I can soo dance!" the big green ogre snapped back. And beat changed to some harsh-electronic techno dance mix with them shaking their booty. The disco light show was threatening to dole out seizures (not to mention nightmares over Saddam and Shrek bouncing their asses).

"This dun make sense," she noted, seeing a dance party out of the blue. So Osaka sat there and stared at the blackness of the ceiling...

Thirty minutes later...

Then Osaka realized she needed to get back saving the universe. "Need ta fine an exit." She looked around and saw no visible point of egress. "Ah'll jus have ta get it together."

Monika giggled behind her. "Oh really?" she lightly teased, being seductive.

But our hero will not sway. "Get it together, get it together, get it together, get it together..."

Monika look skeptically at the chanting airhead. "Are you trying to sleep again?" But her comment was drowned by the drone of Osaka's chanting and soon she was glowing and humming. Humming so loud that it disrupted the dance-off.

"Hey! What's wit the flashing!?" Saddam complained.

Then Shrek realizes the truth. "WHAT THE FU-"


The epic orchestra of Dune was now the room's main theme as Osaka shone brilliantly and burning Saddam with his brilliance. Now she floated above, blinding everyone in the room. "My eyes burn!" Saddam screamed. Then he was sagging. "Shit! I'm melting!"

"Ohhhh~! She's shinin'!" Shrek gasped in awe before flying into space.

"Ahhhhhhh!" Monika screamed and faded away.

Now Osaka floated above the void. In one epic voice she declared, "Chiyo! I got it together!" The voice shook the universe.

Osaka opened her eyes. "Hey! I know how to defeat Monika!" she excitedly shouted to the world.

"Uh, we have a bit of a problem," said Rosalina as she, Sakaki, Chiyo, and others were tied and guarded by Fortnutters. The freaks from FNAF were with them. The entrance was barricaded with wood.

"We've got the targets," Freddie Fazbear reported on radio.

"Good! Execute," came the order.

"Yay!" Foxy cheered. "We can finally bite them!"

"It take dibs on the princess," Chica proclaimed.

The barricade blow up to bits and in came Marcus Fenix and his COGs from Gears of War. "Did someone called for pest control?" asked the hardened Locust War vet.

"Shit-!" A default skin's head exploded.

He and his team fired into the stunned hostiles surrounding the hostages, blowing their heads and limbs, with nary a scratch on the hostages. The Nutters' attempts at running and gunning where thwarted by the Gears' fast-reflexes, their expert marksmanship, intelligent use of cover, excellent tactics and teamwork, and sheer grit.

Freddy pushed Bonnie into the line of fire, turning him into a bullet magnet while he made his escape.

One 'nutter charged at Dom with his pickax. He missed and swung at Carmine in instead, who screamed and died. "My turn!" Dom revved his chainsaw bayonet and brutally salami'd the 'nutter in two. Oh his sweet screams.

Anya Stroud perforated a 'nutter's chest. "Get the princess! Go, go, go!"

"I will not be denied my princess!" Chica snapped outraged. Anya fired and went dry, Chica charged for the bite so Anya fired up her bayonet. "ARRGGGHH!" The freak tasted chainsaw.

The Fortnutters became desperate but they can never compete with the Gears, who then left mangled bodies all over the place in one epic firefight, punctuated with melee where the chainsaw bayonet had the last say over their cute pickaxe.

Some of the 'nuts try to build wooden barricades but the Gears sawed through those barricades, leaving the Bob-the-Builder wannabees shrieking in terror before they were sliced and diced. Gears won the library from the 'nuts. Those attempting to retreat where either shot or carved into meat sculptures. So glorious!

Freddy was trapped with nowhere to run. He was surrounded by Gears. "Can we just all getta-" The chainsaw bayonets have spoken! Freddie Fazbear was naught but dismembered anamtronics.

The COGs released everyone. "Thank you so much, Marcus," Rosalina said.

"Just another day at the office," he said with roughhewned modesty. He turned to Osaka, "Got that secret of the universe you were looking for?"

"You betcha!" she quipped in enlightenment. "I know the secret."

"Let's go!" he barked and everyone went off, Marcus handed Sakaki a Lancer wherein she joined the COGs in clearing the comet off Fortniters while Spy met up with them and led them to the docks.

Meanwhile, the Normandy faced off against the battleship the Yamato, Monika's flagship! Everyone aboard was awed at facing this relic which somehow was sailing across space. "Shit," said Shepard with the derpiest face he could muster.

Not far off, Michael Rosen's Spitfires escorted Fairey Swordfish's carrying Harpoon missiles for their attack run on the Yamato. "Tally ho!" he yelled, signalling the attack amidst the horde of TIE Fighters and Me-109s arrayed against them.

And a little player joined the epic space battle: an ice cream truck flying towards the Yamato.

"Hey! You're hogging my space, you clown," Tomo complained to Spy.

"I am no clown!" Spy snapped back. "I am a professional. You are an amateur."

"England is not a real country!" Soldier snapped at Demoman. "You're just an Englishman in a dress!"

"I'm gonna bury your ass in a soup can after I piss on it!" shot back Demo. And on and on the arguments fly. Yukari was in the wheel.

"So," she began, "to get in the Yamato, we need Shepard to ram it with the Normandy. Is that right?" She turned to Osaka at the overcrowded back.

"Uh-huh." Osaka nodded with her trademark spacey look.

Yukari smiled evilly. "I love it!" She put on her seatbelt. "Brace yourselves, fellahs! One crash landing, coming right up!"

"What!?" her passengers asked, then the ice cream truck zoomed.

"Yahoo!" Yukari hollered as Born to Be Wild blared out the radio.

Everyone at the back was flattened by the velocity and had a screaming contest, only Osaka remained mum, in memory of the Yukari-mobile, her face affixed in her usual expression, only with blank eyes as Adagio for Strings played in her mind.

Trading fire, the Yamato and the Normandy come to blows, sustaining heavy damage. "Shepard! We lost the Coffe-O-Matic!" Mordin shouted.

"Microsoft sam is offline!" Jacob said, cannot into his Gmod project.

"They fucked my calibrations!" Garus yelled in anger.

"What are we waiting for?" EDI snapped to Shepard. "Those weeabo fags are wrecking our crap! They're touching us harder than EA Games dressed like Father Brown!"

"We stick to the plan!" he retorted. "Trust in Osaka."

"What the (bleep)!?" snapped EDI. "How is she gonna help?"

Harpoons streamed against the Yamato, rocking the ship, and one hit the main motor. "Scratched that ass!" As he whooped in victory, a flak shell busted his plane and sent crashing on the deck.

"Now's our chance!" Shepard shrieked. "Ram the Yamato! Flank speed!"

"What-" EDI was silenced as the Normandy swerved away, pointed its bow forward, and charged!

"ARRRGGGHHH!" EDI shrieked for dear life while Shepherd laughed, his limbs flaying about, on their death ride to the Yamato. Mordin's did a Scream! pose as the battleship loomed bigger in split-seconds. Garus decided to "recalibrate" with Miranda in private.

Shepard bitschslapped the Yamato, sending it reeling though it crunched their bow. No matter! "Hey, everyone! You know what time it is?"

The entire crew asked eagerly, after surviving their crash into the Yamoto!

"Boarding party~!"

"YAAAAY!" And everyone aboard including the Toads, MACV-SOG, and other heroes boarded the battleship to fight Monika, an epic struggle ensued.

"OH KURWA!" Polan cries as he was ejected into space.



"YAS! POLAN HAS INTO SPACE!" An flak airburst blasted him into the further reaches of space.

Meanwhile Hetalia Japan, captain of the Yamato, was looking at the security cams as boarding battle ensued. He made a dashing pose. "All crew, repeal all boarders. We must not be stop! Do your duty to Monika!" The crew, consisting of characters from more mediocre anime, Mass Effect Reapers, and formerly jobless Covenant troops, shouted in exaltation.

Then the ice cream truck crashed through the bridge like a wrecking ball, plowing through the command consoles and leaving everyone in its way as a bloody smear. Yukari climbed out of the van. She held two thumbs up. "Worth it!"

Then it was followed by the groaning Bonkers, Red Team, and the Mario Bros with Mario saying, "This gave me a boner!" They were surrounded by heavily-armed Monikan goons. "Mama F*cker!"

"Alright, everyone!" screeched a loli with a really big gun. "Drop your weapons!" Then that loli dropped dead. Literally.

"What the..." exclaimed a Covenant trooper, when Spy appeared out of thin air and disguised himself as a random loli before backstabbing him.

"Oh my God, she killed! K'nini!" one alien cried.

"You bitch!" accused another.

"Hey! It wasn't us!" said an anime waifu, gun pointed at the aliens.

"Hey! Knock it off, everyone!" said their boss, a Covenant Elite. "Take them to the brig-"

BOINK! Speedster Scout batted him in the head and sped around.

Looking at the collapsed Elite, everyone was trading eyes worriedly. Then Scout bonked a loli, making everyone jumpy.

"Now's our chance! Fire!" Kagura exclaimed and the ice cream crew went through with guns blazing through their confused opponents. Charging through them like a hot knife, they accrued a high-kill rate (except Osaka) but their exit out of the bridge was stopped by Hetalia Japan.

"You! How dare you defile this ship?" he said in an uber-dramatic tone.

"Pffft! Drama queen," Tomo scoffed. "Let's just bust a cap in his ass and get on with it."

"Ah dunno, Tomo," Osaka advised, "he look'd rather powerful."

"I have a solution to the problem," Spy suggested and he threw a shoebox behind him. Our dashing never noticed and soon enough was Blue Spy coming up from behind him.

Blue Spy whispered to the hero of Bushido, "Prepare for..." He sung the Buttsecks song. The team left the bridge to catchy techno beat of a song about what spies do best and the screaming resulting from being dishonored aggressively.

They all assembled in the lobby. "So, where to, Osaka?" Kagura asked, toting her Thompson SMG.

Osaka looked around the hallways while the battle raged at the top deck. "O'er there." She pointed to a random hallway. "Monika has her private quarters 'n there."

"Great! Let's roll!" Tomo exclaimed. But before they left, Sniper left Osaka something.

"Oi Sheila! You better take this with ya!" Sniper cries out handing her jarate.

"This smells funneh." Her face frowned oddly.

He warned, "Don't open it."

Along the way, the Combine appeared to impede their way. The Team charged through with guns blazing, ripping some new ones on the Combine troops. Spy sapped their turrets, backstabbed, and played them against each other while Scout sped through, bonking them in the head, annoying them and distracting them. Pyro cleared rooms and ambush points with terrifying purpose, leaving behind screaming Combines to die in agony.

Then they met a very flighty boy. "Huh?"

The boy in question was Feliciano, aka Italy, the star of Hetalia. He was dressed in a girl's PE uniform two sizes tight for him. Dear Lord, the Bloomers! And he pranced around like a fairy, making his sexuality clear as day.

"Dear Edinburgh..." gasped Demoman as his ocular virginity was violated.

"I think I'm gonna be sick..." said a grossed-out Scout.

The feeling of revulsion and horror swept the team, prompting Osaka to ask him, "Hey, y'all. Is this the way to Monika?"

"Why yes," he giggled, eliciting more groans of disgust. "You have an appointment?"

"Appointment?" cried an outraged Soldier. "Get outta way, fairy, or we'll punch your head down your keister."

The threat made Feliciano cry. "Why do you have to be so mean to me?" Then cried, "Doitsu-kun! Doitsu-kun!"

Then Hetalia Germany crawled out of the ventilation system and lo and behold! He was a walking abomination conceived from the fantasies of yaoi fangirls who treat their fevers with Viagra! He was six meters tall with noodly arms and huge hands meant for grabbing; he had a huge body with extremely broad shoulders and a small head and long neck and a Dorito chin. The pants was extremely tight. Out of proportion, the very sight of him terrified the Mario Bros and Red Team, whose shadow covered them. "Shit!" exclaimed Heavy.

"Feliciano," he said in a booming voice. "Are these the bois who hurt your feelings?"

"Yes," Feliciano said in his best sulky voice.

"How dare you hurt him!" he roared angrily, making the guys trembled in fear. "Time to meet my BRATWURST!" This caused the fairy to hop in joy.

"AAAARRRGGGGHH!" they screamed and ran off than to meet his "sausage". Osaka saw him lanked his way for the boys with his huge feet, when a thought occurred to her.

"Ah!" She took the jarate and threw it at Doitsu-kun. It crashed and splashed Sniper's yellow liquid all over the head. "MY EYES!" he shrieked, covering his head with his huge hands. "MY EYES!"

"That's my cue!" Sniper exclaimed as he stopped, aimed, focused and fired through his huge fingers.

Doitsu's tiny head exploded and he fell back, leaving a smoking stump on his neck.

"Doitsu!" cried Feliciano dramatically, letting loose sexy tears. He hopped and hopped and embraced Doitsu's corpse. "Doitsu-kun! Please don't leave me!"

"Ehem," Spy cleared his through, interrupting Fely's Academy-award-winning performance. He was surrounded by men. And he's delighted.

"Oh, hello~" he greeted, making an emotional about-face. "I'm sorry that we got off on the wrong foot. Let's be friends forever~." The angry, contorted expressions and death glares on Red Team and the Mario Bros told everyone with a proper brain what they thought of Feliciano and his proposal. Luigi's muscles even bulged and ripped through his shirt.

"Yay~" Fely took it as a sign that they want his sweet ass. They didn't.

Scene blacked out as they commit violence on Feliciano so graphic as to go beyond description. But the sounds of violence can be still heard though. Not what he was hoping for.

All the while, the Bonkers had made it to huge oak panel doors where Monika resides. They can hear piano music playing from it.

"There it is," Kagura whispered. "Monika's lair."

"It ain't Monika," Osaka corrected. "It's sum'won else."

"How'd you know?" Tomo asked skeptically.

"Ah, jus know," the Osakan replied as she stared at the room guarded by two men.

Then Shepherd crawled fast beside the Bonkers. "Hey," he whispered, "what did I miss?"

"Ah, well, we board'd the bridge," Osaka related, "shoot our way through the bridge crew, and ah took down a giant with Sniper's lemonade."

He smiled. "That. Was. Awesome."

Then Michale Rosen appeared, uniform in tatters, saber and Webley drawned but none worse for wear. "Sorry, I'm late. Had to get through all those waifus and Fortnutters." He looked in their direction. "So, this is were Monika rests." The saccharine piano music continued to play.

"But we need to get through the guards," Kagura pointed out.

"Don't worry, I got it covered," Shepard said excitedly. He pulled out a dripping red sack. "They gave me this haggis." The haggis in question was made from Feliciano, the casing his shirt.

"Hey! I got plums for garnishing!" Rosen joined in, brandishing a sackful of plums.

"Hey, Chris!" Swagmaster 69, the horny guard, said, "why don't we go peep at Monika when she's bathing? Thicc thighs and titties!"

"Oh, for the love of God, Swag," retorted Chris, the sane one, "let's not get in trouble again. Monika sent me to the Black Lodge because of you."

"Hahaha! It was so lol!"

"Swag, it wasn't funny, nearly getting butt-raped by BOB is the most horrifying moment in my life!"

"Did someone mention me?" piped in Bob the Garo from the nearby traschcan.

"No!" snapped Chris. "Go back to mining garbage, you walking rubbish bag."

"Chris is so sour! Lolololo!"

Then a random dinner cart sped past them, containing some steaming haggis garnished with plums.

"Oh look! Runaway dinner service." Swag ran off for the dinner cart. "Hey! Wait for me!"

"Damn it, Swag! We'll be fined for deserting our post." Chris ran for his companion.

Bob looked around. "Oh well. I like my privacy." He went back inside the trashcan, sniffing his favorite doujins.

The Bonkers, Shepard, and Rosen, looked left and right. "Okay! The coast is clear!" Kagura confirmed and they all crawled to the door. They slinked up the keypad next to the door.

"Okay! We need to get in!" Shepard declared. "We need to hack this keypad. Anyone know hacking?"

Cricket chirps abound as everyone else stared at him.

"We thought you'd know, space guy," Tomo said.

"Hey!" Shepard pouted. "Slept through coding class so I have no idea how to hack it."

"Maybe we need to ask Spy for a Sapper?" Kagura suggested.

Osaka pushed the door and it creaked open. "Waddya know? It's unlocked!"

"Ooh," everyone else exclaimed.

"To Monika!" declared Rosen and they all rushed in.

Inside they found themselves in a grandiose chamber. "Whoah!" exclaimed Kagura in awe. "She's loaded!" And in the center of it all is a grand piano played by the fiend herself.

Monika! She was playing the piano with a maestro's grace. "Every day, I imagine a future where I can be with you~." Her voice carried the warmth of a songbird. "In my hand is a pen that will write a poem of me and you." She made magic from those keys "The ink flows down into a dark puddle/ Just move your hand - write the way into his heart!/ But in this world of infinite choices/ What will it take just to find that special day-"

"Halt, villain!" Michael Rosen accosted.

Monika looked her piano. "Oh look~. Guests!" she chimed and jumped out of her seat. "I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. Rosen."

"Flatter all you want, Monika," Shepard spoke up. "Your reign of terror is over."

"Oh is it?" she asked coyly, her pleasant smile never fading.

Michael raised his Webley. "Stand down now-"

"NO!" she growled in an unearthly voice. "Drop your weapons, Rosen!"

"Gyah!" Like magic he dropped his pistol and sword, and he was pained like a vise clamping his wrists. Then his weapons transformed into...


"MMMmmmmmmMMMM!" he hummed with delight and scarfed down the Chocolate Cake. "Oh, I love LOVEOEOELDOEFLOEVELOEDVED CHOCOLATE!" has stopped working.

"My turn!" Shepard chirped, then he dover through air and fired his energy pistols akimbo, John Woo-style. He missed Monika by a mile. Then Monika blurred away and flash-stepped beside Shepard in bullet time.

She smiled. "Too slow~." She punched his crotch and sent the commander flying across the room all ragdoll-like with a choked scream, bouncing off the sofa, the coffee table and crashing into the bar. Shepard managed to raise his pistol and fire at random directions, missing Monika completely but sending the Bonkers scrambling for cover.

"This sucks!" Tomo complained. She pulled a grenade's pin with her teeth and flung it at white-ribbon'd schoolgirl, who simply swatted it away and into the bar. BOOM! "My balls!" groaned Shepherd.

Putting on a GI helmet, Tomo popped up with her Grease Gun. "Die, bitch!"

"Don't shoot, Tomo!" Osaka suddenly cried, lowering the wildcat's SMG. She faced Monika. "Only ah can defeat yah, Monika!"

Monika raised an eyebrow. "And how'd you do that?" she challenged.

"'Cause ah know yeh." Osaka held out a glasses case. "You ain' Monika at all."

And for the first time, Monika's coy, cool facade was broken. "W-wait a minute! "What are you talking about?" she asked accusingly.

Osaka stepped forward. "Yew jus' dun know who yeh really are."

"I know who I am!" she snapped angrily. "I'm Monika!"

She went closer. "You ain' Moe-nick-kuh at'all," she continued. "You're Yomi!"

Rosen gasped! Tomo and Kagura gasped! Shepard moaned in pain. Plot curveball!

"I'm not Yomi!" she shouted. "You've had way too much spice in your head, you fool!" But Osaka stepped closer, still holding out the glasses case.

"Ah know yeh're scared," she said calmly.

"Scared of what!? I'll delete you!" Monika was slowly backing away for the first time.

"Yew cannae delete meh," Osaka said. "An' you wanna know wai? 'Cause yew an ah come from paper n' ink, not some fancy-schmancy computer game thin'."

"SILENCE!" Monika's roar reverberated throughout the chamber but to no avail, Osaka kept walking. She raised her hand and distorted pixels appeared around Osaka but she kept going unaffected.

"Why can't I stop you?" she shrieked in disbelief.

"Take uh look in de mirror," Osaka suggested and Monika looked at herself and saw a completely different girl.

"That's not possible..." she whispered, trembling. Osaka laid down the glasses case on the bar counter and opened it. Monika looked at the glasses and held them out.

"No, no, no," she whimpered. "That's impossible."

Tomo confronted Monika. "Is it true, Yomi? Are you Yomi?" she begged.

"I'm not Yomi!" she snapped. "Yomi's never here!"

Tomo slapped Monika across the face.

"Ohhhh!" Kagura groaned uncomfortably.

"Now that's gonna hurt," commented Osaka.

Monika, well, moaned. She was stung! She looked at Tomo. "I... am not Monika..." She took off her green eye contacts, her voice changed. "I'm no literature club president..." She pulled off the white ribbon and her hair fell loose. "I'm no concert pianist..." She took the glasses and put them on. "I'm Yomi."

They looked at each other and the dramatic theme from Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet Overture: Love Theme played, by no less than Red Team showcasing their musical talent with Spy as conductor. They both kissed mouth-to-mouth and flowers emerged from the air vents.

Michael Rosen sniffed. "Wonderful." His mouth was covered in chocolate.

"I always knew it," Kagura commented, successfully holding back her feelings.

"Can they get married now?" Osaka asked.

Shepard was still nursing his wounds using the conveniently-placed liqueur throughout the bar. "Am I missing something?"

"Oh Tomo! Don't ever leave me again!" the meganekko wailed.

"I won't," Tomo cooed comfortably. "I won't make fun of you for that last cherry pie slice. Now I can have your thiccness to myself-"

"DOUBLE CHOP!" Yomi smacked Tomo's head with both hands. "Don't say that in front of everyone! Save it for bed!" Tomo groaned and massaged her head. Yup, everything's back to normal-

Wait a minute, what's really happening there?

"Ah know who the real culprit is," Osaka spoke up. Everyone gathered around her. She pressed some random button and a classic track played, Sweet Home Alabama.

As the catchy beat blared throughout the ship, everyone looked at Osaka skeptically. "Osaka?" Tomo asked her. "How is some dumb country song supposed to help us?"

"It ain' dhoom'b," she replied in defense. "It'sa classic."

Engineer did a hoedown. "Yeeee~!" he hollered in joy.

Just as they were about to follow Engie's lead, the floor beside them suddenly exploded and out came Kirino Kyousuke, hopping mad like a rabbit on Red Bull!

"How dare you play that shitty song!" she shrieked in outraged.

"Oh hi, Kirino," Osaka greeted with a cheer. "Why do you hate that song?"

"Everyone's playing that song to me throughout the internet, it's driving me nuts!"

Osaka was confused. "Wait, what?"

Tomo joined in. "Pfffft! Come on, you little tart. You're practically the poster child of anime brother-sister incest. It's no secret."

"Secret!?" She glared at Tomo. "That was the song that was playing when me and onee-chan had sex!"

"Whoa!" everyone else exclaimed. They all looked at her. Too much information.

"Y... you actually did that...?" Yomi would need to scrub her brain for the rest of her life.

"Yeah! I bet it was those stupid plums," she added haughtily.

"My Viagra plums worked? Hooray!" cheered Michael Rosen, hopping up and down.

"And now Onee-chan has left me without child support!" she screeched in anger. "I'm looking for his deadbeat ass throughout the multiverse and since he's a wanker, I tried to trick him a game called Doki Doki Literature Club." Everyone stared at her.

"Is that why you kidnapped and brainwashed me?" Yomi was shaking in anger. "Because your pansy brother ran off on you!?"

"Why is that bad thing!?" she retorted back. "I want him back!"

"That plan is sooo stupid, hehehehe..." mocked Wabuu the racoon. He then hopped away on his spring-loaded feet to axe-murder Wuschel the squirrel.

"Grrrr!" Yomi had to be held back from ripping a hole on Kirino by Red Team.

"That was a dick move for someone without one, you little twat!" Tomo spoke her anger.

"And you got triggered by a song used in memes mocking the Deep South," Kagura added.

"I'm surprised he even succeeded in knocking you up," Soldier said in disbelief. "He's as limp as a soggy spaghetti."

"Heya! Don't diss the spaghetti!" Mario snapped, catching up with Luigi, Toad and Sakaki.

"So you promised him a Special Day to get him back?" Osaka asked, not hyped by anger or anything. "An' enslave or destroy universes to get him?"

"Yeah! And it would've worked perfectly if it wasn't a meddling airhead like you!" She gave her most venomous stares. "You all owe me big time!"

Tomo met her gaze with her own confident one. "Oh yeah? THIS! IS! SPARTA!" She soccer-kicked Kirino in the gut, sending her flying back across the room, slamming against the wall, and crashing into the jukebox where the Lynyrd Skynyrd hit single played.

*Sad Violin plays*
RIP Jukebox
You will be missed

Medic whipped an old-fashioned microphone and did a soccer commentary, "Oh mein gott! Oh she scored! Oh she scored! I can't believe what I'm seeing! That was an insane goal! I've just seen the most insane goal! Tomo played an excellent save! UTTER DOMINATION! Aaarrrgggh! Arrrrgggh! Arrrrgggh!" Medic's commentator-like rant was broadcast throughout the battlefield, inspiring the defenders and breaking the morale of Kirino's forces, who were now leaderless and scattered.

It took a punch from Heavy to silence him. "Danke, Heavy, I needed that."

"Don't mention it, Doktor," Heavy replied.

Osaka walked over to Kirino's form. With her wide smile she tilted her head as look at her sprawled face down. "Is she still a-live?" she asked innocently.

Tomo poked her body with a stick. "Yup, definitely dead!"

Medic pulled out a gadget and aimed it at the body. "Not quite. I can see life signs around the stomach area."

"'Ey wait, wassen she..." Her statement was cut off by a rumbling shaking the hall. Kirino's body began to quiver. Everyone backed off and gathered at the entrance.

Frollo was now sinisterly singing Hellfire for BGM.

A loud sound of a balloon passing wind was heard and Kirino's long skirt was puffed up. Then emerged two wide, clawed feet leading up to legs as wide as tree trunks, propping up a green, scaly body with a nobby head; it sprouted spikes on its back and a huge tail shot out its ass.

"Gay Bowser, is that you?" Mario asked.

Luigi answered, "He's actually at the Observatory."

Shepard, just healed by Medic, came over. "What's up guys, I heard- DEAR GOD! WHAT'S THAT!?"

The reptillian thing had slimy green skin, a pair of huge, huge horns emerged from the side of its nobby, featureless head, followed by two floppy ears. Hundreds of pops were heard as eyes emerged by the hundreds. Then the nob split open like rotting fruit, forming a mouth full of jagged, razor-sharp teeth. Then a crown of brown hair grow above the horns. Everyone beheld the terrifying thing that roared to life, proclaiming its existence, its breath smelling like dumpster burritos. It was an even uglier eyesore than Yaoi! Doitsu!

"That thing just came out of her snatch!" Michael Rosen yelled, pointing a stick index finger.

"Oh no!" cried Heavy. "This is not happening!"

"Sacreblue!" Spy exclaimed. "Monster of inbreeding!"

"Sakaki, what is that?" asked Kaorin, cosplaying as Sayori for some reason, clinging to the tall girl.

She gasped. "It can't be..."

Demoman stared in knowing horror. "It's the Legendary Black Beast of-"

"ARRRRGGGGHHH!" went the creature.

"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!" went everyone in terror else except Osaka and Sakaki.

"It's king Joffrey!" Osaka exclaimed.

"Hellfire-" Frollo earned a headshot from Spy's revolver.

He walked over to Frollo's corpse, now with a third nostril. "You're a one-hit wonder. Stay that way," said Spy.

"GRRRRRAAAARRRRGGH!" growled the beast, reminding them he was still there.

"AAARRRGGH!" After screaming, everyone with a weapon let loose upon that thing but nothing perturbed it, not even fire.

"Nothing's working!" exclaimed Mario. He turned to Toad and Luigi. He grabbed Toad instead. "Here we go!" He flung an outraged Toad, who was caught mid-air by the beast and later eaten, screaming about as he was chewed.

"Let's get out of here! That should delay him!" Spy said.

"Run away! Run away!" they cried as the giant monster chased them about the ship. "Keep running!" The monster roared its intent to eat them, Team Osaka simply pumped their feet faster than ever.

"That thing's gaining on us!" Kagura exclaimed. "What do we do!?"

"Ah dunno!" Osaka admitted, struggling for breath. "Ah nevah thought this through."

"We need to do something!" exclaimed Soldier. "We can't keep this up forever!"

"I've got the Yamato's nuclear reactor rigged to blow," Spy said, running as fast as he could. "We just need to get off this ship!"

Then something rung on Osaka's ear. "Whaa! Ah'm hearin' things now!"

"It's me, Osaka," Chiyo said. "I'm on codec. You can get a teleporter ready to leave the ship."

"Hey! Great idea!" She turned to Engie. "We need ta put oop a teleporter."

"I put one on the bridge!" Engie replied. "We need a place to hide first!"

"Over there, look!" Tomo pointed to a darkened room and they ducked into it, leaving the speeding monster to pass.

"Shush, shush, shush," they said to each other as they hid away from sight.

Bob the Garo popped out of his trashcan. "Hey! What's going on around here! Why is everything so silent-" The monster snatched him out of his can, swallowed him whole, his screams can be heard from the inside. "No! I'm too sexy to die!" Then it went to a nearby restroom to evacuate Toad's digested remains.

One by one they peer out of their hiding spot at eye level. "Let's go." So everyone amazingly slithered on the floor like sea slugs infused with Usain Bolt's DNA, with nary a sound to alert the beast. They've made half the way without incident.

"We lost it!" Tomo whispered.

"GGRAAAGGGH!" The beast accosted them.

"ARGH!" They beat a hasty retreat running upright to the bridge with the lumbering beast on their tails.

Chiyo appeared out of the teleporter set up by Engine. "Osaka! Over here!" she called out to the far hall as Team Osaka stampeded forth. They managed to outrace the best just in time.

"Quick! Shut ze door!" Medic desperately ordered. Kagura shut it.

"Phew!" Kagura sighed in relief.


"Ah!" She jumped out of her boots as the beast bashed its head against the metal doors, leaving an inward dent jutting its face at them.

They screamed once again. "Quick! To the teleporter!" Spy urged. Scout jumped in first and vanished in a flash.

"My turn!" Demoman jumped in and smashed the teleporter.

"DEAR HARUHI!" Everyone screamed in outraged.

"You one-eyed idiot!" Soldier snapped. "That thing can only take one everyone few seconds!"

"I have an idea!" Yukari cried, coming too. "Let's sacrifice him to the monster! He'll rain drinks!"

"YEAH!" the rest of Red Team cheered and tried to grab hold of a struggling Demoman, already in panic.

"GRARGH!" That stopped them. Then it bashed again, scaring them and leaving an even uglier dent impression.

"Least no one's cooking me in a spit," Demoman said, gulping a scrumpy.

"Engineer! Make another one!" Tomo said.

With a quick salute, he assembled one quickly.


The room shook again and another masterpiece on the door by Kirino's baby, now threatening to break.

"Oh look! A face!" Osaka said excitedly.

"Oh my God! We're DOOMED!" Shepard ranted. "AHHHH!" He fainted.

"Why naught jus' add more power?" she suggested.

They all looked at her oddly. "Oh," they said in unison.

"Brilliant!" Engie turned to Spy. "Give me a sapper!"

Spy threw one into Engie's face, knocking his ass down. Engie thumbed-up in thanks. Quickly, he rewired the sapper to crank out more juice.

The teleporter was now producing power, close to overloading dangerously!

"What now!?" Scout asked quickly.

"Now this here teleporter sends... us to the beyond," Engineer said ominously.

They doors were now crumple loose! The horrendously beast roared in anticipation of its meal, causing them to quake and gather at the teleporter, dragging Shepard along the way. As it lunged forward, escaped for Team Osaka seemed hopeless when suddenly a bright red flash consumed them.


The league of heroes was no more as the misbegotten peril looked on in confusion at its missing meal. It raised a temper tantrum of epic proportion that destroyed the bridge, truly like mother like offspring.

Back aboard the heavily-damaged Normandy as it limped back to the Observatory...

"Whoa, that was close," Osaka said as laid down on the lounge. "Nuh wonder incest is bad." Demoman mumbled unintelligibly as he was drunk, doing Irish Yoga.

Tomo looked at the derelict Yamato still afloat. "Hey! Where's the fireworks?" she complained. "I didn't get my ass near eaten for a lame ending."

"In due time," answered Spy, smoking a cigarette.

Then the PA system spoke, "Commander Shepard," EDI said. "You have a message." Then it switched to...

"Think I'm dead, losers!?" Kirino screeched. "I'M ALIVE! You're all next on my shit list! I'm gonna hunt you all down, destroy your worlds, and feed my baby your guts and asses along with everyone you love!" Her offspring roared gutturally through the PA.

"She's a luvin' mum after all," said an astounded Rosen and he chuckled as if it was funny - because it was.

"She called that freak her baby? That's nuts!" Scout shrieked.

"Incest is wincest except for everybody else," Shepard explained.

"YOU JUST WAIT!" she ranted on. "When I come back you're gonna be pissing your panties and wishing you were kissing my feet! And you'll have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide and- Hey, don't walk away from me-"


"Whoa!" Yomi cried, astounded at the fireball of the Yamato.

"She shinin' brightly like never before," Osaka said airily.

It was a glorious moment as Kirino expanded her horizons across the cosmos, ending her dreams of finding her onee-chan and the threat of her hideous monster baby forever. And there was much rejoicing as everyone aboard danced to the tune of Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead! spelled with a capital B.

Back in the Mushroom Kingdom it was a carnival atmosphere as everyone celebrated the defeat and death of Kirino around the restored castle, the hottest party since the fall of the Galactic Empire.

"Damn it, Chris," Swagmaster complained as he was not getting hard. "That haggis tasted like Italian candy ass. It's nothing like candy, only perfumed, pasta-flavored ass."

Chris pointed out, "That's because it was Italian candy ass."

"I'll never eat another Italian imitation of Scottish cuisine ever again."

"Oi! Quit slacking! We got three orders on the go!" Soap McTavish, retired badass and now haggis shop owner, reminded them to cut up more haggis.

"Where did you get the meat?" Chris asked.

"Some dead German Titan, absolutely free," Swag replied with pride.

In some random flower shop...

"I detest to being a Flowey cosplayer," Bob protested, now a flower after his remains were retrieved and used as fertilizer.

"This ain't the worst thing to happen to me," Toad said, now a potted mushroom. Then the door bell rang and in came his wife! Oh the horror as Toad screamed while Toadsworth sold him back to his psycho spouse.

Yomi and Tomo rekindled their relationship sightseeing the festive grounds while Sakaki and Kaorin had their date in the cafe. Red Team and the Normandy crew pinned the Tail on EA, which had sticking pins and needles into a chimera hybrid of EA's CEO and board chairman's ass. Mario was eating and doing things with spaghetti.

Osaka was the star of the show. She got to meet iconic videogame characters. She just shook hands with Bowsette, Peach and Bowser's illegitimate daughter. "Thank you so much, Osaka," Rosalina said sincerely. "Now are safe from the clutches of evil loli tsundies."

"Shucks, it was nuthin'," the Osakan said modestly. "Ah'm jus' glaad it's ovah."

"We've got a surprise for you," Chiyo chimed.

Osaka was led to a chamber in Peach's castle blindfolded. "What's the suprise, Chiyo?" the space cadet asked with a smile.

"I'm thirteen years old," the genius replied as she flapped around.

Inside the cold dark basement they stopped. The lights flashed on and Osaka was in the end of a huge hall. "You can take it off now," the benius encouraged.

As soon as the blindfold was off did Osaka's smile slowly curved upside-down as she looked on the terrible truth. Tables laid the finesy specimens of spicy cuisine. Lumas floated around preparing the tables and and Ainsley Harriot was cooking up a firestorm in the kitchen in a hazmat suit. "Hehe, boi~."

"WHAAAAA!?" she bleated in horror and tried to skedaddle but the huge basement door was slammed with a set of heavy metal doors. "Watt's goin' on?"

Frantically looking around find an exit had her see Rosalina float down from the ceiling like a spectre. Her blue eye glowed blue-on-blue. "Osaka, you must accept your destiny."

"W-wai does yehr voice sounds all echoe-y all of uh sudden?" she asked uneasily.

Rosalina simply stared back with her eerie-glowing eye and expressionless face. "Osaka," she began with the voice of a million Rosalinas at once. "Kirino was just one one threat of many who threaten the stability of the universe. You have proven yourself well, Osaka. Time for you to be the Hero of the Multiverse! The Kwisatz Haderach!"

Thunder cracked epically as Osaka was seriously freaked out. "Nuh more, please," she pleaded. "Ah jus wanna go home."

"You must ingest the spicy foods, Osaka," Chiyo said in a zombified voice. "Through those you expand your awareness, becoming the ultimate hero."

Then came a trumpet started a jaunty tune as the Luma marching band played. Then came the song: "She's going to eat!/She's going to eat!/She's going to eat!/She's going to eat/ She's going to eat!..."

"But spicy foods will burn meh again!" she pleaded desperately as everyone inched closer to the tune of the song. "Ah'll get hiccups and and my brains will cook!" Then she saw Chiyo with a giant spoon of Texas chili.

"Open wide, Miss Osaka~!" Her blank, evil smile coupled with the flapping pigtails was just straight out of a horror movie.

"Noooooo! Chiyoooooo!" she shouted to the heavens dramatically.

"She's going to eat all the spice/And ascend to para-diiiiiiisssee~!"

Osaka closed her eyes for a few seconds. Then found herself in mountaineering gear atop a mountain. "Where am ah?"

"You're atop Mount Fuji," Kass the Rito, voiced by Robin Atkin Downes, playing his accordion Petite Chou-Fleur. "And here's the order of moussaka." Next to Osaka was a table with a lasagna-looking eggplant dish.

"Is it spice-see?" she asked uneasily.

"No, 'cause I prefer burgers," he replied. "And I'VE BEEN PLAYED LIKE A DAMN FIDDLE!"

Osaka woke up peacefully. She rubbed her eyes of any lingering sleepiness she had. She looked around ay her bedroom. "Am ah en the Black Lodge?"

Then something opened the door. "Gyah!"

"Happy New Year morning, Osaka," her mom greeted.

"Is it really New Year?" she asked in her plain voice.

"Of course it is," her mom answered. "Now wake up, your breakfast is getting cold."

Then the space cadet's trademark smile returned. "Ah think ah'll try some Greek."

A/N: Finally, this is the best proper Osaka-centric chapter, or should I say arc, that I've ever written. This used many elements from my previous versions of this chapter. I credit David Lynch for Dune and Twin Peaks; SMG4 for his body of work using the Mario-verse as his base; for various Gmodders in using Team Fortress 2 characters; Nintendo for Super Mario Galaxy, introduced to me via Game Grumps; and Dan Salvato for Doki Doki Literature Club. Special thanks to YTPs of Michael Rosen and to Tropic Thunder for the Monika confrontation and reveal; to the late and great Kitty0706 for Mass Defect, which got me to include Commander Shepard and Monty Python for the chase scene and their cartoonish beast from their Holy Grail movie. Apologies to fans of Fortnite, Hetalia and Oreimo. I'd like Epic Games better when it was a dev (hence the Gears of War appearance), not a shoddy Chinese cashgrab (Tencent's bitch); I am not particularly fond of Hetalia while Kirino is a nasty piece of work. And to the people of Alabama, I apologize for using that overused meme that makes fun of you in a totally off-color way.

I would especially like to thank Peacekeeper 37, for helping me finish portions of this, for Wabuu, and for Youtube Poop: Gaston and Frollo Get a Life, which gave me the idea of Kirino's confrontation, and for the Doom Slayer/Warhammer bit.

This is truly the end of Osaka's arc. Now for some well-earned rest to think of other projects.

Dedicated to Elred Bluegreen and Rpgingmaster, the first FFN authors I've met when I started out. If only I can show them this...