Eclipse: The Rewrite

Disclaimer: Eclipse doesn't belong to me

It's owned by Stephanie Meyer

And because I can't write poetry,

This disclaimer is dire.

Todays Minor-Character-With-a-Starring-Role is: RILEY (The vampire who's in love with Victoria)! Congratulations, you've won a speaking part!

Scene 1: Bella's Bedroom

(Bella and Edward are sitting on the bed. Edward has his eyes closed)

Bella: Mmm…sandwich.

Edward: (Opens eyes in befuddlement ((Heehee, befuddlement is a funny word)) and stares at Bella.)What?

Bella: I thought you had super-vampire-senses? I said: Mmm…sandwich.

Edward: You don't have a sa-

Bella: Contradict at your peril!

Edward: Who can fathom the endless intricacies of the female mind?

(Seth appears from nowhere)

Seth: Why me, of course. And Edward here, not to mention Jasper, all women and for some odd reason, giant squid.

Bella: Bog off, foul hound of the underworld!

Seth: My wealth of knowledge tells me you are feeling angry with yourself for being outsmarted by a mere 15 year old wolf boy, and that-

Bella: MAY YOUR TAIL BE SINGED OFF BY THE DEMONS OF HELL AND YOUR MANLY PARTS SKEWERED ON A POINTY STICK THAT WAS BOUGHT FOR TWO DOLLARS AT YOUR NEAREST HARDWARE STORE!

Seth: (Mutters) Touché… (Disappears)

Edward: So, yeah…you gonna marry me? Or are you to remain a singleton until your thirties when you'll marry a balding amateur sportsman?

Bella: Are you insulting my mother!?

Edward: No?

Bella: I'll think about it…

Edward: You are capable of thought?! Wonders never cease… (Shakes head in genuineamazement)

Bella: Mmm…Skittles™.

(Edward squeals in a less-than-masculine way and smashes through the window. Charlie comes up to investigate)

Charlie: What be wrong? Arr…

Bella: I was thinking about Skittles™, when all of a sudden there was this crashing noise and a…a GIANT SQUIRREL SMASHED THROUGH THE WINDOW, stole my laptop and buggered off. I note your pirate costume.

Edward: (Momentarily reappears) But your laptop's still here.

Bella: CAN IT, FISHFACE!

Charlie: Arr, I accept this far-fetched yarn as the gospel truth, lassie. The costume is t' improve me fishin'.

Bella: The dodgy accent, then?

Charlie: To pick up the wenches, matey.

Bella: Riiiight. I'm busy being grounded now, so shoo!

Charlie: Arr, that I'll do, right eno-

Bella: NOW, FATHER!

(Charlie runs out of the room as fast as his three wooden legs can carry him. Where he acquired the third leg is, and ever will remain, a mystery.)

Scene 2: Phoenix, Arizona. Probably Renee's house, or possibly a dumpster. The authoress doesn't have her glasses on, though I doubt that it would make any difference.

Edward: Must. Not. Sparkle! Aargh!

Bella: Don't be such a baby. What's a little sun gonna do!?

Edward: Expose me and my kind to the gun-wielding tattoo-covered man/woman thing on the sidewalk over there, maybe?

Bella: Who, that woman?

Edward: That's a woman? (Shakes head sadly) Standards are dropping everywhere.

Bella: It's Mom! Hey Mom! Over here! You look great, is that a new pentacle tattoo?

Renee: Bella. Oh. Umm…nice to see you, I suppose. Yeah, my latest obsession is devil-worshipping

Edward: You know, that's actually a very politically incorrect and insulting way to refer to the religion known as Satanism. I believe that actually y-

Renee: Silence, mortal! I shall sacrifice you to the great god Qwerty the merciless! To the altar!

Edward: No, now you're just *beep*ing with me. Besides, I am no morta- (Remembers the 'don't bite-and-tell' policy Carlisle promotes and sighs)

Edward: I mean, yes, yes I am. Where's this altar then? Might as well get it over with…

Renee: Onwards!

(The 'altar' or as it is more commonly known as, the kitchen table, is covered with discarded 'Pickle-O's and yesterdays 'News of the Damned'. As he is climbing on the table, Edward notices the headlineJ

Paper: OMFG. LIKE, MURDERS AN' SHIT IN SEATTLE, YA KNOW. BTW, IT'S LIKE, VAMPIRES WOT'S DOING IT, INNIT.

Edward: What kind of stupid paper is that?

(Edward looks at the publisher's name. The paper is apparently published by a 'Ph1L izz Aw350m3!11!' Suspicion pokes at Edward's poor, overworked brain cells in an attempt to make him notice the second sentence in the headline, give up and kicks him in the mental equivalent of his groin. His subconscious doubles over and screams.)

Edward: V vv-vi

Bella: If you're going to say something, hurry up and say it. Not all of us all the time in the world, mister!

Edward: V-victoria…

Renee: Aaaand…?

Edward: She's back!

(Enter Victoria!)

Victoria: You bet I am, b*beep*es. Hit it, Riley!

(Riley inexplicably pulls a set of turntables from his pocket and puts on a pair of sunglasses and a baseball hat.)

Victoria: I'm V to the I to the C-T-oria, and I'm gonna rip off your head then come back for more-ia. Yo, bro, don't be shallow. I'll eat your little girlfriend in one swallow!

Riley: Yeah! Woo! Vicky in da house! You ain't got *beep* on me, *beep*s!

Edward: That doesn't even rhyme! Why can't my life be normal? Oh yeah, that's right: I'm a 108 year old vampire who looks 17 and has an irresistible urge to drink his crazy girlfriend's delicious warm blood. And I drive a Volvo, which I'm almost certain has a curse on it.

(Now that you mention it, that mummified-hand cupholder was a little odd. And then there was the Jewelled Dice of Fate, The Almighty Saviour of Gamblers, Action Heroes and Star-crossed Lovers. They were fluffy and hung from the rear-view-mirror.

Renee: Get outta my dumpster with that noise. Bella, show the random-strangers-that-I-have-never-seen-before how to really rap! PHIL!

(Phil pops up from under the table, causing Riley and Edward to shriek in terror and Edward to jump into Riley's arms. Somehow, despite their vampiric skin, both manage to blush. Riley whispers something in Edwards's ear which make him grin goofily and blush even more. However, due to Edward's knowledge that the Prophetess 'O Doom ((AKA Alice Cullen)) states he shall one day kill Riley, the fledgling relationship will never get beyond the frankly rather adorable 'giggling-and-blushing-whenever-they-talk-to-each-other' stage. How sad. Meanwhile…)

Phil: Yes dear?

Renee: I demand that you and Bella enter a rap-battle with our mysteriously beautiful guests. And you must win, or no pickled eggs for you.

Phil: My pickled eggs! You are a cruel and heartless man/woman thing! But alright…Bella, let's roll!

Bella and Phil: We're Bella an' Phil an' this is how we rap

Bella: I have a vampire boyfriend

Phil: And I can't read a map!

Bella and Phil: We're Phil and Bella, this is how we dance

Bella: My best friend is a werewolf

Phil: I only own one pair of pants!

(Collective shudder from assembled vampires and blood-bags…er, I mean humans)

Bella and Phil: We're Bella and Ph-

Victoria: I get the frickin' point. Riley, we're leaving!

(Victoria vanishes. Riley smiles at Edward, before dropping him on the floor and leaping out the window after Victoria. Edward looks sadly at the blue baseball cap he left behind, before Renee grabs it off him and throws it in the burnt offerings pyre, which is actually a cleverly converted scented-oil burner. Edward makes a mental note to compliment Renee on her arts and crafts skills once his crippling emotional wounds have healed)

Renee: I believe there was a sacrifice to be made? Bella, put the victim on the altar.

(Bella leads a stunned and tearful Edward to the kitchen table. The rest of this scene has been cut as I do not believe what happens next is suitable for some of our younger readers. Edward leaves minus his left kneecap and eyebrows.)

Edward: Did any of this actually happen in the book? I think not. Why me? Why not…That Robert Pattinson guy. Huh, he's doing pretty well for himself with his films and his fans and muttermuttermuttermutter…

Bella: Shut up for once, Eddy-kins.

Edward: Yes ma'am. Muttermuttermu-

Bella: *Slaps*

Edward: Ow! Ok, I'll be quiet.

Bella: Good, now give me a foot massage.

Edward: *sigh*

A/N: Ok guys, this is a trial chapter. I'd really love some feedback, especially from people who've read my other two stories. How does it compare? Thanks =)