AN: Ehm...wow, I actually don't have anything to say...as some of you may have noticed, I post up a new story (mostly one-shots) practically everyday, or every other day. I promise I will get around to updating my old chapter stories, it's just that I've recently discovered the wonders of challenges and I'm on a roll ;] Although, this isn't a challenge response, just a fluffy one-shot :)
It's been a while. Aren't you proud of me? I managed to resist picking up my quill for an entire two weeks. I know, I can't believe it myself. I've given up wondering, I know it wont do me any good. Though I'm still no closer to knowing why you had to be taken away from me, I've stop trying to understand it. I've come to a conclusion; there is no reason. No reason at all. It's just that one particular cruel, bitter Fate has it out for me.
Maybe we signed your death certificate the day we decided to bend the rules. Maybe the day you asked for my hand in marriage, it was decided for us that we've screwed up reality too much for one of us to not pay for it. Though why it had to be you who left, I'll never know. I'll never stop loving you, I know I've said that before, and I know you're probably getting sick of hearing it, but it's as true today as it was a month ago.
What about you? I suppose there must be a billion prettier girls than me up there in heaven, will you stop loving me? Will you decide that eternity with one of them is better than listening to me whine about losing you? Will you stop caring? Because I know I won't. I never will. Even if the rules were swapped, if Voldemort decided that I wasn't good enough for life and killed me instead, I would never stop caring about you, or loving you. I'd never forget you, either. Will you forget me, Draco?
Will you forget the nights when you'd just hold me and we'd stare into the fire? Will you forget the times when we would stay awake at night, under a blanket of stars, and wonder what it would be like to be up there? You finally know. You know what it's like. What is it like? Is it what you thought it would be like? Is there an All-You-Can-Eat buffet whenever you want it? Is there a limitless supply of hair gel? Is your mother up there with you? Is Litania with you? Does she even remember you? Can she still fly? Do you suppose you could send her down here so she could take my letters back up to you?
Remember when you told me that if I wasn't in heaven with you, that you didn't want to go? And that you'd figure out some way to find me and come back to me? Well, where are you? Did you lie to me, because right now, it seems that way. Did you even mean it? Why haven't you come back to me? Why did you leave me?...
No. I won't go there, not again. I know what you'd say; you didn't want to go, you didn't mean to, you didn't want to leave me. I believe these hypothetical answers, Draco, I do. I know you didn't want to go, I know you didn't mean to, and I really hoped that you didn't want to leave me.
Hermione Malfoy sighed, let a few more tears roll down her cheek, onto the parchment, and continued on a different note.
Ron's finally moved on from me, or should I say; given up? He's gone and married Luna Lovegood. Can you believe it? Maybe some of that odd wisdom of her's will leak into Ron's thick head. Oh, and if you're wondering, Ginny and Blaise are doing fine. In fact, Ginny's pregnant, imagine that. They've already started choosing names. Remember when we spoke of having kids? What we would name our children? We fought so much over it, you wanted so badly to name the girl either Ivy or Violet, and the boy either Damon or Pierce. Well, you got your wish, Ivy Narcissa Malfoy, Pierce Draco Malfoy and Violet Malfoy, the most troublesome triplets anyone could ever have.
You should hear the way Violet cries, oh god, I think I've gone partly deaf over it. And Pierce is always hungry, yet somehow he always stays so thin. And Ivy, what an angel, it's almost unbelievable how saint-like she is compared to her siblings. The only thing that makes me sad just looking at her? She has your hair. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely beautiful, but that's the thing. Despite the fact that they're almost identical, Pierce and Violet's hair is a slight shade closer to mine than yours. All three of them have a perfect mix of our eyes, a light, silvery brown. I didn't even know that was possible, but apparently is it.
I can already tell they're going to grow up to be beautiful people.
Speaking of beautiful people, or not so beautiful, Blaise still keeps in touch with his old Slytherin buddies. Guess what Ginny told me that he told her? Apparently, Parkinson and Nott have hooked up, she's driving the poor guy up the wall, but I'm sure they'll manage. They're getting rather serious now, according to Blaise. Nott is even debating visiting a Ring store.
I know I should be happy for them, despite their reactions towards us, but it makes me sad. You know, how they can move on so easily, how they can find love again. I don't think I'll ever be able to, I don't want to. I don't want to give another man what should've been yours.
Besides, I'm a real catch aren't I? Single mother of triplets who writes letters to her dead husband every week.
Ooh, Merlin, Violet's just woken up. Oh crap, she's crying. I have to go before she wakes up her siblings.
I'll love you forever,
PS: It's too late, they've all woken up.
Planning the triplet's half-birthday is proving to be more difficult than I thought. Can you believe that they're already half a year old? Six months! I'm inviting everyone, literally, everyone from school, all our old professors, everyone from the Ministry, and all of their parents and children. It's going to be huge. But I've got a separate list for their one-year birthday. Do you remember talking about that? How we'd invite hundreds of people for their six-month birthday, but only a couple for their first-year one? Yet somehow we'd spend more one their one-year birthday than the six-month one? I know it's six months away, but I've already narrowed the list down to two possibilities for their actual year birthday; one, a cruise, a week long cruise and their birthday will fall right in the middle of it, how does that sound? The second choice; renting the Department of Mysteries and holding their birthday in there. I know it's crazy, and potentially deadly, but I needed a second choice, I just can't bring myself to choose the cruise idea without some competition.
Maybe it's because of my past with cruises. Do you remember that? Four years ago, our honeymoon in the Caribbean, I still say that we should've stayed on the islands than go on that blasted ship. Do you remember why I hate it so much? Do you remember how I fell into the water? Do you remember my cries, my screams, my yells? Do you remember how that Lifeguard chucked that safety jacket at me? Do you remember the look on my face when it floated away? Do you remember how you jumped in yourself and saved me? Do you remember how I thanked you? Do you remember that night? That wonderful, glorious night? Do you remember the news we received weeks later after Ginny accused me of getting fat?
Hermione took a deep breath, and continued writing, unable to stop the flow of words escaping from her quill, she knew this would end in wails and weeps.
Do you remember our happiness? Do you remember telling all our friends? Do you remember their faces? Do you remember how overjoyed Narcissa was? ... Do you remember Healer Martin? Do you remember what he told us? Do you remember his apologies? Do you remember the dead silence after he told us what happened to our unborn child? Do you remember how the first noise was the sound of your fist slamming into his nose? The poor guy, he didn't even see it coming. Do you remember our tears after that? Do you remember telling all our friends? Do you remember their faces? Do you remember their sympathetic looks and words of comfort? Do you remember how we swore never to put ourselves through that again? But we found it in us to try again 30 months later. Do you remember how we found out? Do you remember how Ginny told me I was getting fat again? Do you remember how scared we were during my first trimester? Do you remember how we'd hold each other at night, praying that this time, our babies will make it through?
Do you remember any of it at all?
As she predicted, Hermione was crying her heart out now, much to the confusion of her children, sitting in the cot beside her.
Ivy and Violet can crawl now, Pierce can sort of hobble, but he falls after a few steps. You should hear their noises, they're the cutest thing. Wait, no, scratch that. You can hear them, can't you? You're still watching over us, aren't you? You never left us. You never abandoned us. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that, I was angry. I was hurt, I was confused. I had to blame someone, so I blamed you.
Story of my life isn't it? The know-it-all book-wormy snob can't handle admitting defeat, so she spins it back on someone else. And when there was no one else there, I spun it back on you. Whenever I was wrong, whenever I didn't get my way, I took it out on you. And you just took it as it came. You never objected, you never told me to stuff it, you just listened, and you responded. You always told me I was right. You always told me that everyone else was wrong.
I wasn't right. I was never right. Everyone else knew what they were talking about. They always told me I shouldn't have gotten so attached to you, that at the best, the only thing that would come out of it was heartbreak. Well, they were right weren't they? Maybe not in the way that they envisioned, but they were right, all the same. I shouldn't have gotten so close to you, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much when I lost you. My heart is broken, it's been shredded into pieces.
I know what you'd say if you were here: "If your heart was really broken, you'd be dead, so shut up." You're right, you always were.
The triplets are the only things keeping me alive. If not for them, I would've found some way to die months ago, just so I could be with you again. I know you'd disapprove, but I can't help myself. Living without you is...
Hard. Unbearable. Unimaginable. And it's breaking me.
I have to go now. Preparations, you know.
I'll love you forever,
Do you know what today is? It's been exactly one year since you died. I can't believe it. I've survived an entire year. How did I do it? How did I survive? I certainly didn't think I'd make it this long. The triplets' half birthday was a huge success, people have stopped giving me the sympathetic looks and offering words of comfort. They just enjoyed themselves, and I almost did myself just watching them have fun.
I've told the kids about you, I've showed them pictures. Do you remember how obsessive I was over photographs? How I always told you they would become super important one day? Well, I was right, wasn't I? For the first time.
Ivy is starting to look more and more like you, even her eyes are turning greyer every week, her features are becoming more prominent than her siblings. Pierce is developing the fastest, in the sense that his noises are almost discernible to others. Violet's growing the fastest physically, she's taller than the rest, I think she's going to grow up to be one of those size zero models or something.
I took the kids to the Healers yesterday to get their shots. They're all doing fine, no diseases or illnesses of any sort as of yet. We've been lucky in that area.
Hermione closed her eyes and envisioned her husband sitting beside her, his arms around her, kissing her cheek, filling her with the warmth that no one else could provide her.
Do you ever wonder, Draco, about what would've happened? What would've happened if we stayed enemies like we were supposed to? What would've happened if Dumbledore didn't mesh our houses together? Of course, we wouldn't be the only ones who wouldn't benefit from that, now would we? I would've married Ron, Harry and Ginny would be together. You would probably have ended up with Daphne or someone. You two would've made beautiful children. Do you suppose, if you never 'settled for a Mudblood' as Voldemort put it, you would still be alive? If he hadn't deemed you so unworthy, if you married someone of acceptable lineage, would he still have killed you?
Of course, that comes down to one thing, doesn't it? It's because of me. You died because of me. I'm the reason he killed you.
It was my fault. Both our lives have been ruined just because I went and fell in love with you.
She stopped herself before letting the tears erupt again.
I'm sorry. I'm being selfish, and self-centred, and arrogant. My worst qualities, right? And the things you always said you loved most about me.
Do you remember that night? That night you told me you loved me? I still think it to be the happiest of my life. Do you remember sitting on that couch, in the Room of Requirement, before that blazing fire? Do you remember holding me in your arms, whispering to me how you'd never leave me? How your love for me would never fade away? Has it? Do you still love me?
Because I know that I do.
Forever and always.
To my one year anniversary of surviving without you,
I never thought this would be possible,
I'll love you forever,
As usual, after writing another one of her letters, Hermione held it in her hands, read it through about five times, let her tears spill down onto it and she moved to the window. She ripped it up into tiny little pieces and chucked it out of the window, letting the wind carry it away. She didn't have any illusions about it staying in the air forever, she knew it would land up somewhere. Would someone find it? Would someone be moved by it? Would someone be intrigued by her sad pathetic life? Would someone find the piece with her name on it, take it as a sign, and look for her?
It hasn't happened yet, but she knew it would eventually.
The triplets turned one today. All three of them can say your name now, and Mama. I've taught them the difference between their father and all other men, well, to the best of my abilities. Healer Martin is still the family regular, he hasn't given up on us yet, I think he's still sorry about giving us the news of Sascha, and how we lost her. He told me that our kids exceeded the intelligence of normal one-year olds. Can you believe that? Our kids. I know it's literally a decade away, but which House do you suppose they'll be put in? I have a strange feeling about Ivy being put in Slytherin, Violet in Gryffindor and Pierce in Ravenclaw. It just makes perfect sense.
I know I've done nothing but whine about how unfair my life is since you left me, so now, it's your turn. How is it up there? I know you're up there. There's no where else you could be. You're definitely not 'down there'. You wouldn't deserve it. You are the most brilliant and amazing man I've ever met. If you're not in Heaven when I get up there, I'll figure out a way to find you. Maybe I'll commit a crime while I'm up there. Maybe I'll kill someone in Heaven. Can I even do that? Can souls kill each other?
For the first time in over a year, when Hermione Malfoy thought that there was more she could say, she came up blank. She had no idea what she could write next. She's told him about her breaking heart, she's told him all she knows about their children, she's told him how much she misses and loves him. What else is there? She's whined, she's complained, she's blame him, she's blamed herself. What more could she say? So, instead of repeating everything she's already said, she dipped her quill in her ink one last time for the next five years.
Do me a favor, Draco. Don't ever forget me, don't ever forget your kids. They love you, I know they do. They can feel your presence with them just as I can. And when I finally come up there to meet you, let me hold you. Let me tell you how much I've missed you, let me tell you how much I love you. Let me tell you everything you've missed. I won't be filled with sorrow, Draco. I promise you. I will not burden you with my grief any longer.
I'm letting you go, Draco. Though you will always be in my heart, and I hope I will always be in yours, and I will always love you, I'm going to let you move on. I've been holding you back, and myself, I realize that now. And I apologise.
So thank you, Draco. Thank you for everything you've given me, thank you blessing six years of my life with your love and your devotion. Thank you for giving me three amazing children. Thank you for giving me a lifetime worth of beautiful memories. I will never stop mourning for you, or grieving for you, and every star I wish upon, I'll wish for you to come back to me.
But thank you anyway.
Goodbye my love,
You know I'll always love you,
Forever and Always,
Your Beloved Wife,
A single tear rolled down Hermione's cheek, and stopped at her chin as she re-read the shortest letter she's ever written to her husband. He will always be with her, in her heart, she's only just learned that. He never really left her, and he never will.
Five Years Later...
It's been a while, hasn't it? I mean, five years. Dear Merlin. I didn't think I would last that long. But I have. And I have one final thing to say, thank you for sending Tom to me.
I know it was you. I see so much of you in him. There's enough for me to remember you, but not to compare you two. Did you do that on purpose? He understands me, he's had his own losses. He's found snippets of my past letters. That's how he knew who I was, and who you are. So thank you for him, I really needed someone I could actually talk to.
Don't worry, I'm not going to use him to replace you. He's a really good friend. I still keep in touch with Harry, Ron and Ginny. We meet up around once a month. I can't believe they'd even consider talking to me after I've ignored them for two years.
I've got my life back on track, Draco. I'm Head of the Aurors at the Ministry.
Our kids are doing fine. Perfectly, actually. They all know exactly who you are, they know what a wonderful person you were, and they know who their real father is.
I don't regret spending two years of my life mourning for you, I don't see it as a waste. Without that period in my life, I would never have learned what it truly meant to let go. As I've said before, and I'll say it again; I will always love you. And once again, thank you for everything you've given me.
I'll write to you every year or so, or if something happens. And just as I've promised, I'll never forget you.
Until we meet again, My Love,
You'll be in my heart forever,
From the woman who's always loved you and always will,
Hermione Jean Granger Malfoy
AN: Wow, jeez. I've never written anything like that before. What did you think? Complete waste of my time?
I've never experienced what's happened to Hermione myself, so I don't quite know where I was channeling the emotion from, but oh well.
When I was re-reading, I almost started crying myself. Did it have the same effect on you? Or was I just pushing it too much?
Anyway, reviews are LOVED and APPRECIATED!