11~Icha Icha Secrets~
~Summary~
How Different would Konoha be if Jiraiya never wrote the Icha Icha series? Someone explains how Icha Icha is 'Porn with a purpose'. Conversational drabble and the product of being bored.
~Rating~
T
~Warning~
Mild perversions and some yaoi, of course.
~DISclaimer~
I don't own Naruto, I own my insanity. Masashi Kishimoto-sensei is GOD. Well... of Naruto at least.
Ps, this is written in a strange style I realize. I was trying to make it like a one-sided conversation... I don't know how well that worked but *Shrug* So I'm sorry if this is a bit confusing. Guess who's Pov it is and you get a cookie! Though with the characters picked I'm sure you can guess.
"No one thanks Jiraiya-sama for his contributions to the good of Konoha.
Yes, yes, he's a damn good spy and a great shinob, but those aren't his only gifts to the hidden village.
What? You don't think he contributes anything else to the good of Konoha? What about the Icha Icha series?
Don't laugh!
Yes, its an erotic novel.
Not porn.
Okay it's porn.
BUT it's porn with a purpose.
I said, don't laugh!
Icha Icha is one of the most important books to ever effect Konoha.
Okay, the laughter is very annoying.
Jiraiya and Icha Icha has shaped the people of Knonoha for years!
Fine, I'll tell you how.
If it weren't for Icha Icha a lot of things would be different.
Well, First off, Naruto wouldn't have been born, because Yondaime would never have looked at the red headed girl reading porn.
Naruto wouldn't have learned how to do Sexy Jutsu.
You have to admit it's a handy jutsu! Very distracting... well to some.
You would have had to give Naruto 'the Talk'.
Why?
Because there was no way in hell you would trust me to do it without scaring him for life...
I wouldn't have been able to scar Sasuke for life with 'the talk'.
Neji would still be A-sexual.
The Third would have probably begun using his crystal ball to peek at women... Well he was a closet perv!
Speaking of closet pervs... Ebisu would never have learned that it's okay to be a pervert. He also would have died a virgin most likely. He also might not have been defeated by Naruto's Harem jutsu.
Ibiki wouldn't even know what BDSM is.
Anko wouldn't have wanted Ibiki to know what it is.
Kotetsu and Izumo wouldn't be able to think up (read: copy) such creative locations for their sexploits. They probably wouldn't have been 'caught' as many times either. They wouldn't have an irrational fear of you tearing off precious body parts either...
Gai... well, do you really want to know? Let's just say, he has porn resistance. If it weren't for Icha Icha creating said resistance, we might have see something horrible in those spandex.
Asuma wouldn't have landed Kurenai. He also wouldn't have that fantasy involving her dress unraveling during training.
Hayate wouldn't have been so adapt at... erm... handling swords, well that's according to Genma of course.
Tsunade wouldn't have a book to hollow out to hide her sake in. Then she would have to do her job sober... Konoha would have fell to her sober-anger.
She also wouldn't have fell for Jiraiya when she read about Tsuzu,the large brested blonde in volume 2 being the only one who could ever break Jinchiro's heart.
There also wouldn't be that Jiraiya-shaped dent in the wall in her office... or that one in the records room... or the hospital... or the training grounds... oh and the onsen would still be standing.
Jiraiya would probably be an actual menace to society without the outlet of writing porn.
The vision of Koharu Utatane and Homura Mitokado making out wouldn't be burned into half of the village's shinobi population... You have to admit it makes a good contraception image.
I wouldn't have learned how to be a sex god... well, I wouldn't have learned half of my moves, experience can only do so much.
Genma would never have realized that he had an oral-fixation, and there by would have never learned to do that with his tongue...
OW!
I meant spit senbon... Jealous Chunin.
My jealous chunin.
If icha icha hadn't been written I wouldn't have discovered Yaoi, would never have realized I was bi and probably never asked you out...
Mmmm, I wouldn't be able to kiss you.
I wouldn't be able to make love to you.
I would be alone, no doubt.
You would have found someone who deserves you.
I would probably still be an emotionless tool.
I wouldn't Love you like I do.
Oh yes, Icha Icha is the most important book series EVER written, because it brought me to you."
~Authoress's Comments~
I had to write this when I thought up the term, 'porn with a purpose', which, on a side note, was almost the name of this one-shot.
Conversational Drabbel again... Wow...
I wrote this while waiting with my mother in the hospital. She was in the hospital for observation after one of her medicines made her pass out at the kitchen table and I stayed with her becasue she was less than coherent during the first half of her stay. And as we all know, Hospital's are very, very, painfully, boring things you know. So boring are they, they are insanity inducers
I hope you enjoyed this drabble, and if you did please review it! I'm not ashamed to beg and plead here!