If you see a good vampire (Cullen) punch Jake in the third book/movie then I have successfully possessed a time-travel device and S. Myer's body long enough to fix that. Cocky mutt gets on my nerves!
Summary: Ever feel like Bella and Edward are really horrible listeners? Neither one seems to be concerned with what the other one thinks about things. When Bella mentions her insecurities and how she wants to be a vampire all Edward ever does is say "Silly Bella" and "No way". When Edward goes on his self-loathing kicks "I'm a soulless monster" Bella says "No you're not" but nothing more. She should have had a heart-to-heart with him and try and make him see why she believes he has a soul. He should have done more to put her self-esteem problems to rest.
And there were more fears neither one voiced to the other. Each worshipped the other as an angel and thought so lowly of their self. If they had aired these issues out sooner. Maybe things would have been better. This is the airing out. This is the what they should have said. This is the:
"You Are Not A Monster!"
Bella pov: (sometime after Twilight, before New Moon)
I couldn't believe we were having this argument again! How many times did I have to tell him I wanted this? I wanted to be equals! And for that to happen I needed to be what he was: a vampire.
I had to find a way to make him realize the truth. That he was not a soulless monster. That I could NOT live without him. That nothing mattered to me as long as I had him by my side.
I looked into his eyes as I began my opening argument- begging him to understand and believe me this time. "Edward, you are not a monster- ,"
I put my hand on his mouth to stop his argument. "No! You are going to sit there and be quiet! You are going to focus all of that super-brain you claim to have on what I am saying. You will not say a word until I am finished. You will not formulate a rebuttal in your head while I am talking. You will listen! to my words this time. Do. You. Understand?" My voice was sharp and almost angry.
How many times had he brushed off my words that he was no monster? Silly, Bella. He says to me. No, not silly. I needed him to hear me out for once. Maybe then he would believe I loved him and that he was worthy of that love. Then perhaps he could begin to love himself.
He looked at me for a long minute- searching my eyes, studying my face. I knew he was trying to tell how serious I was, how angry I'd be if he did not agree to this. Finally, he nodded.
"You are not a monster. Monsters do not love. Monsters do not save the girl from danger at every turn- regardless of it's instinct. Every being has a dark side. A primal instinct to do things that they know are wrong or selfish or whatever. You say that a vampire's emotions and senses are enhanced? So is your dark side. You've fought it. You constantly fight it. And. You. Win. You are no monster just because you are a different species. And I do not appreciate you referring to yourself- someone I love with all my heart, as a monster.
"Consider, Edward, that calling yourself a monster because of what you are is to call your entire family monsters. Every one of them. Emmett: A fun-loving, protective big-brother, teddy-bear! Alice: A perky pixie who loves you and me both very much. Esme: Your mother and mine; loves everyone and wouldn't wish anything but happiness on anyone.You dare call Mom a monster? And Carlisle: A Father to you, me, and all your siblings. A doctor despite his being a vampire- trying to help make up for being what he is, trying ho help everyone he can, and saving so many lives...not a single human life on his record. You have the gall to sit here and call such a compassionate man a monster?" My speech had gotten so passionate I was almost yelling at him- and he had super-hearing. Good. Maybe it'd help get the point across.
I looked at him now, to see if he really was listening to me, or if he was listening to his own arguments against my beliefs. He seemed to be considering my words. He also looked somewhat ashamed and horrified I had realized that he kept insulting people I considered my parents and the most loving people I ever met. Good. How dare he tell me that people like the men in Port Angles could have souls simply because they were human and loving people like my Edward and Carlisle could not simply because they were no longer human? Now I had my next argument.
"Now, you seem to believe that you have no soul because you are not human, correct?" I asked, but placed my hand over his mouth to indicate he was not to speak his response. He understood and merely nodded. But I caught a slight glare in his eye that challenged me to sway him from the belief he had held for over 80 years.
"And I do have a soul because I am human, right?" he nodded. "When you were human then, you had a soul, right?" he looked curious but nodded. "What happened to it?" I spread my hand out in front of me, as if I had something on display, to indicate he could speak.
He took a moment to ponder how to reply in a way to make me stop my argument. Foolish vampire. "It was destroyed. A vampire has no soul so the venom must burn it out," he said with a smile that seemed to say he was joking. Before I could say more he cover other arguments to convince me, "Or God ripped out because of what I had become. Or it moved on when I died, going into the fires to suffer for what I am," he said.
"Okay, that's one theory that has so many holes it's a wonder you can see it as passable. A soul is not a physical thing, so vampire venom cannot hurt it. Furthermore, souls are punished or rewarded for what they have done not for what they 'will be'. It does not matter what you are; it only matters what you do. And before you start- I seem to recall a line about 'Forgiveness' being a part of the deal? Everybody messes up, Edward, so forgive yourself.
"Second, not alive? I suppose you mean because your heart no longer beats? Well, dead men don't walk, Edward. They don't talk, or earn medical degrees, or save endangered girls, or love said girl, and unless this is a zombie movie they don't kiss said girl either. Dead men don't play piano, or compose lullabies for someone they love. And I'll thank you not to accuse me of narcolepsy, please.
"Can you begin to see, Edward? How much I love you. You are a man, a good man, with a good soul. You are not a monster. You instincts may feel so strong and monstrous, that does not make you a monster. I love the wonderful soul that you are, and have refused to see. I hate to see how you loath yourself. I want you to love yourself, please. Can you even begin to not hate yourself?" I now held his face in my hands and was staring deep into the abyss of his eyes. I felt like the meaning of life could be found in those pools of amber. And as far as I was concerned, the meaning of my life was those eyes and their owner.
We sat like that for a long time, neither saying anything as he finally took the time to truly listen and consider my position. "I don't know, Bella. I've never considered the views you hold. You do have a point or two. Love is the key, isn't it? Perhaps that it why I have previously…struggled with this existence. And if I were not one the 'undead' I would be one of the dead, and that would mean we would not have met." He and I both flinched at the very thought of having gone through life without each other. "And that would not do! Though I still think you'd be better off if you'd never met me."
I cut him off, wanting nothing more than to shake him until all the thoughts in his head were gone. I might start carrying around a bat so I could use it to hit him with when he gets like this. "NO! Even if we never met, my heart would still belong to you. We were meant to be together, Edward, get that through that rock you call a brain! Had we never met I would have lived a life of near-misses. I might find a few guys that I liked, or loved a little, but there would never be a guy that I would ever truly give my heart to, because he would have beenlong since died and I wouldn't even know it. Would you wish that fate upon me? To end up a miserable old lady with books as her only source of love?"
He scooped me into his arms, my check rested on his shoulder as he pressed his face into my neck, and he held me as tightly as he could without hurting me. I had the feeling he wished he could hold me even tighter, to crush me to his chest. My arms wound around his neck and I pressed his face closer to me, wherever he moved it to. He started to rock me, as if he were still trying to soothe me. I did not bother to correct the assumption. I hoped my 'outburst' got through and stuck. I ran my fingers through the hair at the base of his skull. He began humming my song, reminding my quietly how special I was to him and how much he loved me.
Weeks later he brought up the topic again. "You're right. I was meant to be here now, to love you. And that means I was meant to be what I am. That is hard to accept, but you made your point glaringly obvious. I think you've added fertilizer to the seed that Carlisle has somehow managed to plant. I hadn't even realized that he had succeeded in planting a seed of hope that we have souls, that if we are destroyed we will go on to another life. Not until I truly considered your words, and then the hope I already had began to grow. Maybe someday I will believe as you do, for now all I can promise is that I am beginning to hope."
"And if vampires have souls…" I trailed off afraid to voice my thought and hoping he knew what I was thinking anyway, without the mind-reading. If vampires have souls what argument is there against my transformation into a vampire? If he believed and still denied me my heart would break. It would seem to be proof he didn't love me as much as he says he does.
"Bella, hear what I said. I am not a believer in a vampires have souls, yet. You have given me hope. And it is growing. In time, maybe I will believe it. Part of my instinct still screams at me to forbid this, though I know you will find a way. With such a large part of me yelling at me to keep you human it is hard to not yell at you that you must stay human.
"And the funniest part of all is that you say you love the man in me. And I have noticed that you, being with you, loving you, your love for me, my desire to be human for you, all of that has reawakened my human side. Sure, by keeping to the vegetarian diet and living with my family and among humans we have kept more of our humanity than any other vampires we know. But after meeting you, so much more of my humanity is awake. My human emotions, some old human instincts, my human desires. And if I go and turn you- if I make you not-human, I fear I may lose all of that.
"And that's not the only thing I worry about. I must confess…" He looked down away from me as he trailed off. When he had gathered his courage to admit whatever he was afraid of he leaned forward resting his forehead against mine, but kept his eyes closed. "What if I lose you? Either by complication in the transformation, or something else. What if you change your mind once it is beyond too late? After you are a vampire if you come to regret that decision and resent it, as Rosalie does? And then you come to resent me for doing that to you? It would tear my heart apart! I can't lose you! Please, Bella, please, please, Bella…"
Edward's pleas had gotten more desperate and more heartbroken with each one. He had trailed off after a minute and was nearly sobbing on my shoulder as I held him. So that's what was bothering him all this time. He had hidden his fear behind noble goals, but I could see now that he had been using his own demons- true though they may be, to hide the real reason he refused to turn me. He refused my request for the same reason that I made it! It was so ironic I almost laughed. We were both terrified to lose each other. But where he felt that my turning would make him lose me, I felt that if he didn't I would lose him. Opposite solutions to the same fear, based on different beliefs and fears.
Now that I had a different and far more understandable reason in the "against the change" column, I needed a new argument to convince Edward to turn me. His fear was understandable. And his sudden vulnerability in my arms made me realize that I had to take this seriously. I could not simply brush off his concerns and fears. I had to address them, and if possible put them to rest. Only then could he ever be comfortable with the idea of making me his vampire.
I am not undead. I will not be patient. please review?