21Alright, first off I'd just like to apologize for being the most inconsistent reviewer ever over the last few months. I'm really sorry about that, but now that school's almost wrapped up I'm going to do better, I promise.
I don't know about everyone else, but I loved tonight's episode. I loved that they didn't ignore what happened, that things were awkward between them and that they actually brought it up. I would have appreciated a bit more emotional follow-up, but Bones definitely broke some new ground with that dramafest last week and with Bones ((the show) being Bones, I'm not surprised that they opted to keep this week's episode as light as possible. Continuity hasn't always been their strong point and so I'm just thrilled that there's any at all.
As the song ended and Booth released her from his arms Brennan found herself unable to meet his gaze and forced her eyes to the cement floor. The loss of his touch was palpable and she knew that what she was feeling must be written all over her face despite how well she had done tonight in maintaing her calm and collected appearance. She had worried that it would be painful for him, but had never allowed a second thought for herself. She was the Queen of compartmentalization, but at the moment her skills were failing her.
"I'll be right back," she said hurriedly to Booth before bolting for the gym exit.
She found the girls' washroom easily, her memory retaining the trivial as well as the painful. The door squeaked open and she took a moment to stop and remember the hours she had spent in this dimly lit, garishly pink room, telling herself that someday it would all go away and none of it would matter anymore; that she could move beyond this.
The tears that she had held at bay for the last few minutes, due in no small part to the pain of guilt and remorse that had been building steadily over the past week, forced themselves on her in that moment and she began to cry softly. The feel of his arms around her had been too wonderful for her to handle.
She was splashing water on her face as she heard the door to the washroom open. Rushing to a stall she threw the lock just as Julie and another old classmate of Brennan's, one that she distinctly remembered turning in for smoking marijuana on school property, entered the bright pink room. Brennan took a moment to ponder the issue of colours and cultural brainwashing before tuning into the women's conversation.
"How does a freak like that get so lucky?" huffed Julie, moving into the stall two down from Brennan.
"I know, right? Whatever happened to karma? That bitch got me suspended for a whole week in grade eleven." Apparently she hadn't forgotten the little incident either. "A frigid witch like that wouldn't know what to do with a man like him if he grabbed her and started taking her against a wall."
Brennan cringed. People really didn't change, did they?
"She probably paid him to come as her date, you know, show everyone up now that you're rich, successful and happy. Bring a hot escort to complete the picture. What the hell kind of name is Bobby Kent anyway?"
"Well, he does seem like a bit of an airhead, so I think it suits him. She seems to be having to explain things to him every five minutes."
Brennan bristled on her partner's behalf, but her mind couldn't help but focus on the rest of what the women were saying. Of course Brennan knew what you did with a man like Booth. You took him home, put him to bed and then never let him leave again, which was certainly what she would have done five years ago, but this is now and they're Booth and Bones.
If her reasons were so valid though, why were they feeling so increasingly flimsy and inadequate?
"He doesn't seem to mind though. The adoration on that man's face…I'll never understand. What the fuck does he see in that weirdo anyway?"
The tears threatened to come again and Brennan wished fervently that they'd just leave. Booth might have looked at her like that once, but not now. He had a date next week, he was moving on. She was miserable.
"Well, that bitch can keep her million dollars, bestselling books and hunk of a husband. My man is more than enough for me," boasted Julie as the two women left, the door banging loudly behind them.
Julie has a boyfriend? Brennan wondered idly, but didn't spare her another thought as she made her way back out to her 'husband'. While weaving her way through the crowds, she attempted to compose herself. Apparently she had failed as Booth watched her take the seat next to him with concern in his eyes.
"Are you alright Bones?"
"Yeah Booth," she nodded. "I'm okay. It's just difficult to handle some of the less than pleasant memories that this building brings back." He looked so kind and caring that she couldn't help but unburden herself further. "I spent a lot of time in that washroom after…after my parents disappeared. I even stopped talking to Mr. Buxley for an entire month. It was a tough time, but I got through it. It's just hard to be reminded."
"I'm sorry Bones," he said softly, raising his hand as if to place it on her arm before stopping; thinking better of it.
His actions made her want to cry all over again, and she quickly steered the conversation back to the case. There was no point in dwelling on the past. It was done and there was nothing to do, but move on.
B
She could feel Booth's eyes on her as she made her little speech and she fought to keep herself from blushing under his scrutiny.
"I found the reunion to be quite educational. And you were right; it was good to go back. It made me see how lucky I am now," she said, ducking her head, before raising it to meet the eyes of all her friends seated around the table. "This is what friendship looks like, this table. I am very lucky," She raised her glass to her friends and colleagues, clinking hers with theirs. Smiles and laughter filled the rest of the evening and before she knew it midnight had rolled around.
She really was thankful for them. Only five years ago she had been entirely alone, walled off from the rest of the world, from the people standing next to her every day. They had come so far though, all of them and deep down she knew what the missing piece of the puzzle had been back then: him. When he came back into her life things had begun to change and look where she was now. The only problem was that at the moment, she didn't really know.
By a quarter after everyone except her and Booth had called it a night. As they finally emerged into the chilly evening she fought the urge to lace her arm through his. She thought better of it though, not knowing if the action would be welcome or not.
"Great toast Bones," Booth said, smiling. "You really are the master."
"I know," she replied. "I am an author Booth. I have a way with words."
"You certainly do."
He was smiling at her, his eyes were twinkling and she couldn't take it. She looked away from him, down the well lit street and for the millionth time in the last week wondered what the hell she was doing.
A cool wind ruffled her hair and she shivered in her light jacket. She saw Booth hesitate out of the corner of her eye before moving to wrap an arm round her shoulders. They continued on in silence for a while before she felt his fingers playing with a strand of her hair.
"What are you doing Booth?" she asked bluntly.
When Booth realized what he had been doing he jerked his hand away.
"Sorry Bones," he stammered. "I didn't know...I didn't mean to...I'm not trying anything funny."
She just watched him.
"I'm sorry," he said again, finishing his embarrassing apology.
Brennan continued to look at him. How could one man be so perfect? God, everything about him was just amazing. A week ago, almost to the hour, she had broken his heart and yet all week he had been the one trying to make things easy for her, just as he was doing now, apologizing for something that wasn't his fault.
She wandered the few feet to a bench and lowered herself tiredly onto the wooden surface. Her face fell to her hands as she attempted to keep those pesky tears at bay again.
"Bones," he said, rushing to her side. He placed a hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"
"I can't do this anymore Booth," she whispered.
"Bones..." he faltered, looking horrified.
"I don't want you to be sorry! I don't want any of this. This awkwardness is killing me. This isn't us Booth!"
He sighed and glanced away.
"This is how it is now Bones. What's done is done and this is the way things are. Maybe someday they'll be different, back to the way they were before, but that might take some time."
The defeat in his voice finally broke the dam and she cried. She cried for the way they could have been, should have been. She cried for what she couldn't be; the way he wanted her to be.
He pulled her into his arms as the tears fell.
"I don't want that! I don't! I want...I want..." her words fell off as she continued to tremble in his embrace.
"What do you want Bones?" he asked softly. "Because I sure as hell don't know. I know what I want Bones. I opened that door last week and I'm still willing to walk through it, but what do you want?"
She pulled back. "I want you," she cried. "But you have moved on. You say you're still willing, but you...you have a date next week, already...it's like last week never happened...so soon..."
She couldn't finish as she broke down again. Again he pulled her to him, running his fingers through her hair, trying to figure out what to say. "Bones, how..." But now wasn't the time for questions.
He eased her back to meet her eyes. "I do have a date next week," her head fell, but he rushed on. "I do. I'm not going to lie, but I'd cancel it in a heartbeat if I you asked me. I hardly even know this woman Bones, but I need...I needed to feel wanted and she...she wanted to go out with me. I swear Bones, every night I've thought about last week. Every day when I see you it's a painful reminder. I won't go Bones, just say it and I won't go."
"I don't know if I can."
She watched his jaw clench and it was like last week all over again. Pain flared up inside her, ate at her. He stood up and walked a few feet away, his back to her. She rose and followed him, desperate to be close to him, but unsure of what to do in this moment.
"You can Bones." She could hardly recognize his voice, devoid of any warmth or feeling. "You just won't."
"No Booth!" she said, demanding his attention. "I already told you, I can't change. I honestly don't know how."
"Bones you..." he began, but she cut him off.
"Why are we doing this again? I told you..." Now it was his turn to interrupt.
"That's right Bones, you did tell me, and I listened, and now you're going to listen to me. I watched you today, tonight. I saw you with everyone around the table, telling them that all of that, that that is what friendship looks like. Bones, can't you see it? You have changed. You have that open heart. Each and every person around that table is someone that you've allowed to care for you and someone you care for in return. You have such a great capacity to love Bones. Use it!"
Her eyes were wide as she ran his words over in her head.
"Do you really believe that?" She allowed hope to colour her voice, hope that there was a chance that she could be what he needed.
"I do Bones and more than that, the scientist aspect of you, the part of you that you feel you have to shed in order to have that open heart...that's a lie Bones. There's nothing about you that you have to change. It's all there already."
That's hardly the case Booth, there are things that I still need to change. You're right though, I have managed to improve in some ways, although I doubt that my handling of the last couple days could be considerd a testament to that, but I have come a long way, thanks, for the most part, to you." There was a dawning light in her eyes, still mixed with fear and trepidation, but fighting its way out nonetheless.
Her words, that she thought would please him instead brought a shade of remorse to his face.
"What's wrong Booth?" she asked. "I thought you'd be happy."
"I'm sorry Bones."
"You're sorry? But why?"
"I'm sorry for all the times I made you feel like you weren't human. All those times that I made you feel like being a scientist and being who you are made you less than the loving, caring woman I know you to be. I didn't change you Bones. I just helped you see what you were capable of. It was all you."
In that moment she realized that this was it. That she wasn't going to find anyone like him again, anyone that she loved more than him, and jealousy shot through her at the thought of him trying to find someone else to care about. No more second guessing and no more hesitation. It was time to show the world that she did indeed know what to do with a man like Seeley Booth: never let him go. She launched herself into his arms and pressed her lips to his cheek before breathing two words into his ear.
"Don't go."
"Go where Bones?" he asked dazedly. She grinned at the affect her actions had on him.
"Don't go on that date."
His face lit up.
"Are you serious?"
"Yes. I...I can't bear to think of you out with someone else. Dancing with her the way we danced...holding her like this."
"It could never be this way with anyone but you Bones, never."
She looked into his eyes and vowed to herself that she would work hard, so very hard, if it meant keeping that smile on his face.
He pulled her to him and just held her close for what seemed like hours and yet wasn't enough time. They'd never have enough time and she was determined to stop wasting it.
"You know what else I've thought about all week?" he asked her, moving her back, the cool air rushing between them.
"What?" she asked, smiling at the playful lilt in his voice.
"Kissing you."
"Me too," she whispered, moving her face toward his.
Her heart soared as their lips met in a kiss as passionate as the one they had shared five years ago, but as soft and sweet as the one he'd tried to give her last week. This time she was letting him, more than letting him, she was throwing herself into it. Her mouth opened under his as his tongue stroked gently against hers. She sighed and melted into his embrace, enjoying the conspicuous absence of the fear and anxiety that had driven her to shove him away before. Now she could only pull him closer, hoping against hope that what was would remain as safe and beautiful as it was in this moment.
She broke the kiss and rested her forehead against his.
"What did I do to deserve you?" she asked, her mind harkening back to Julie's cruel words.
"You must've done something good Bones, becasue I really have no idea." He grinned when she made a face at him before swooping down and placing another kiss on her upturned lips. "What we did to deserve each other, I don't know, but we're both very lucky."
"Can it always be like this?" she asked shyly, still struggling to regain her breath.
"I'll make sure of it," he said, and, in that long unheeded gut of hers, she knew it was true.
THE END