3Author's Note: This story was written back in 2000, when I first watched NGE. Since I'm enjoying a happy NGE revival with the Rebuilt movies, I decided to translate my fanfic into English so that international readers might enjoy it, too.^^
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The boys belong to each other and to Hidaki Anno and Gainax. I'm not making any money with this story.
Rating: M (R, FSK-16)
Warnings: Shonen-Ai (Kaworu x Shinji), Lime, Angst, Character Death
Spoilers: Major spoilers for Episode 24 and some small ones for the movie "End of Evangelion."
Thanks: To all the Evangelion fans I had such passionate and lively discussions with, especially Reiman, Merc, Brazil, Christof Weber, Rei-Prototype, Akio, Koji, and Izumi.
This story is dedicated to Catherine.^^
Chapter 1: He Who Feedeth Among Lilies
By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.
I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.
The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth?
It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me.
Shir HaShirim (Song of Songs) 3.1 - 3.4
HUMANS WERE NOT MEANT TO BE GODS, BUT AMONG US THERE IS ONE WHO STRIVES TO ACHIEVE DIVINE POWER. ONE WHO STRIVES TO OPEN PANDORA'S BOX AND CLOSE IT BEFORE HOPE APPEARS.
THERE ARE AS MANY HOPES AS THERE ARE HUMAN BEINGS FOR HOPE EXISTS BUT IN THE HUMAN HEART. OUR HOPES TAKE SHAPE IN LILITH, ANCESTOR OF HUMANITY, THE FALSE DESCENDANTS OF THE BLACK MOON. AND IN ADAM, ANCESTOR OF ANGELS, THE TRUE DESCENDANTS OF THE LOST WHITE MOON.
WHOSE BORROWED SOUL RESIDES WITHIN YOU, ONLY WITHIN YOU.
WHOSE REVIVED BODY HAS ALREADY MERGED WITH IKARI.
FOR THIS REASON ALL OUR HOPES REST WITH YOU.
Tokyo 3 was a broken battlefield…
Asuka was gone, Touji and Kensuke were gone, and as for Misato, he couldn't meet her eyes anymore. And Ayanami? Had Rei ever really existed? Or was she only one of Father's experiments?
Somewhere in his mind, he had already crossed the fine line between desperation and hatred. And yet, what would he do if he had another chance? He would try again. He would try again and again to break through the walls Father had built around himself. He would try again because he had no pride, not one little bit of it. And that alone was enough reason to hate himself worse than he could ever hate someone else.
The morning sun rose from the sea, a burning fireball casting sky and water into a fiery red light. Black within red were the remains of the city, the shadows of a past life. Perhaps the sun would fall back down and perish with it in these dirty floods. Then the darkness of the night would return and bring with it eternal cold. Cold and loneliness.
Why did every new day awake the illusion of a new hope that would never be fulfilled? How could he allow his walls to crack again, his heart to open once more as it was touched by a spark of warmth? When would he finally understand that these foolish hopes would only worsen the loneliness after they were smashed again?
Weakness… this was all about weakness…
Father would never notice him, except for the fact that he was useful for his plans. Misato, too, saw him as an Evangelion pilot whose purpose was fighting angels. It was disgusting to be thought of in such a way, but what else could he do? What would he be if not an EVA-pilot? Nothing, nothing, and nothing again!
Had there ever been people who thought differently of him? Mother, possibly? His friends? Asuka? She had always treated him like a silly little kid, and yet he had become part of her life somehow. At least he thought he had. And what for? What good did it do to care for others when all they ever did was leave him. He wanted to build up his walls again, build them so strong and so high and so menacing that everyone who even dared to approach him would be filled with the same fear as he was, the same absolute terror.
Loneliness. It couldn't be helped, couldn't be changed. He could try to protect himself from the pain of being left, but the loneliness wouldn't simply disappear. That game he was a part of, he didn't understand it at all. Someone else sat at the board and moved the pieces. Maybe he would never be able to understand it.
And once again, he let the fiery light of dawn give him the illusion of warmth. Every new day was a new key in the symphony of the universe.
Music? Did his imagination play tricks on him or did he truly hear someone humming to himself?
"A song is good, neh?" a voice asked softly.
He turned around. Close by, on one of the pieces of rubble sat a boy his own age, comfortably resting his arms onto his drawn knee. His eyes seemed to follow the patterns of light on the water with such fascination as if he had never seen anything like it before.
"A song gives us joy for music is the highest culture of the Lilim."
He wasn't sure whether this boy was talking to him or to himself, but now the stranger raised his head smiling gently. There was nothing artificial in his smile, only friendliness and simple, pure joy. "Don't you think so, too, Ikari Shinji-kun?"
"You know my name?" Shinji was confused. Who was this strange boy who seemed to have appeared out of nothing, just like a spirit? Well, in other times he might have been thought of as kami, but Shinji didn't know about other times and knew nothing of spirits and gods.
Besides, there was no more nature, at least not here. Only destruction.
"Everyone knows your name. Excuse me, but you should be more aware of your own position."
"Should I? But who are you?"
"Kaworu." The boy smiled again and Shinji felt colour flush his cheeks. "Nagisa Kaworu. I'm one of the chosen children, just like you. I'm Fifth Children."
"The Fifth Child? You, Nagisa-kun?" With curiosity, Shinji observed the graceful, almost elf-like figure sitting on the rubble overhanging the water. Did Kaworu truly have the same eyes as Ayanami, or were they simply reflecting the light of the red sun?
"Call me Kaworu, Ikari-kun!"
"You can call me Shinji." Somewhat bashfully, Shinji smiled back at the other boy, something in these eyes was confusing him. And yet he wasn't able to tear his gaze away from Kaworu. This boy was special somehow, he could feel it, but not make any sense of it.
And maybe he didn't want to find out. Truth could hurt sometimes.
"According to the reports, Fifth Children has just arrived."
Makoto and Misato were talking in Misato's car because this seemed to be the safest place. Misato had searched everything for bugs and hadn't found any, but still she was worried that their conversation might be overheard.
They didn't know much about Nagisa Kaworu, except that he had been born on the day of the Second Impact. Other information wasn't available because his file had been deleted, just like Rei's. That and the fact that he had been sent not by MARDUK, but by SEELE directly had aroused Misato's suspicion.
As it seemed, Makoto's as well: "I hacked into the files of our intelligence division." He looked at Misato from the corner of his eyes, obviously waiting for her praise, but all she did, was raise her eyebrows. "You took a high risk."
"It was worth it." He leaned over to her, whispering into her ear. "I know where Ritsuko-san is." Ritsuko had been arrested after she had destroyed the Dummy Plug system and neither Misato nor anybody else had been able to find out where she was kept.
Maybe, Ritsuko knew more about this. Misato decided to ask her about Fifth Children, but only as a last resort.
"So, what are you going to do?" Makoto wanted to know. "About Fifth Children and the test?"
"I don't have any tricks up my sleeve this time!" Misato's voice grew cold. "Let's just see what he's capable of."
Maya couldn't believe her eyes. The synchronisation rate was at 100%, a number no human being could possibly reach. All systems were working normally and even the MAGI couldn't detect any mistake. How was this possible?
"This boy is fantastic!" Excitement filled Professor Fuyutsuki's voice. "He can synchronize with Nigoki, although we haven't even reprogrammed her."
"But such a thing is not possible," Maya answered nervously.
Misato, who had been silent until now, took part in the discussion. "It's a fact! We should accept it and find out the reason for this."
Something was there!
The Lilim body had started trembling. The fine hair at the base of its neck stood upright, and unknown impulses travelled down the nerve cords of the spine. At first, she believed the Lilim body to have a malfunction, but that couldn't be possible; it simply was too early for that. She had only received it a short while ago.
The eyes and ears did not detect any unusual stimulation. Patterns of light on metal and the monotonous rumbling sound of the escalator.
She hated the Lilim body, this disgusting thing wrapped around her soul. Apart from the soul of Father reuniting with True Father. Apart from the soul of Mother imprisoned in the creature destined to give Man divine power: EVA.
EVA did not return the souls devoured by her. A Lilim body would break and turn to dust after a while, but EVA was eternity. Eternity until the day the last angel reunited with True Mother. Then it was possible to free the souls from EVA and all souls would unite as one.
She yearned for this day, and feared it at the same time.
Fear…
Now she understood what was wrong. It was fear. The tremble, the upright hair, the impulses… the body felt fear. She was afraid. She was being warned of danger.
The escalator had come to an end. Before her stood a boy, smiling. The unpleasant feeling increased.
"You are First Children? Ayanami Rei-san? We are the same, you and I. To live in this place, we took on the form of the Lilim.
The eyes of the Lilim body narrowed to slits: "Who are you?"
Misato's apartment was dark as she returned. PenPen had hidden under the cupboard. Shinji had not come home.
As she started to pack PenPen's things, the penguin seemed to realize that something couldn't be right. He peeked out from under the cupboard and gazed up curiously at her, his head tilted sideways.
She scooped him up in her arms and walked out on the balcony. The evening sun was just setting behind the ruined city. Black on bloody-red…
Swallowing tears was hard. "This time nothing happened to you, but who knows about next time? So… so from tomorrow on, the Horaki family will be taking care of you. We won't see aech other for a while, PenPen."
Misato gave a sigh, closing her eyes. Now she was truly alone.
"Fifth Children has contacted Rei."
Professor Fuyutsuki had given Ikari Gendou the test results, but Gendou had not yet stated an opinion about them. Still silent, he clasped his hands staring at an unknown point in the distance, and nothing gave away the feverish workings of his mind.
SEELE knew. There was no other explanation for it. This boy was a spy, an ambush, an attempt to thwart his plans. But how?
He was too close to his goal to ruin everything with rash actions. It was still possible that SEELE hadn't found out about everything. And even if they did, he would be prepared for their attack.
No, he would wait for their first move. Until then, he would watch, gather information and try to gain time. Time was short, but it was on his side, not on theirs. The old men on the other hand had even less of it to spare.
Although he was wearing gloves as usual, he had to resist an urge to hide away his left hand until Fuyutsuki had left his office. No one should see the change of his body, the transformation taking place. Yui was the only one who knew, the only one who understood. There was no passing hour when he didn't think of her, no passing day when he didn't have long conversations with her inside his mind, telling her all the things he hadn't been able to tell her while she was still with him.
No passing night when he didn't stand in the hangar, looking up to the giant, silent form of EVA Shogoki. These were the moments he felt close to her, closer even than the days he had held her in his arms. And soon, they would be united forever.
But his own time wasn't unlimited either. He thought of Ritsuko, who had destroyed Rei's spare bodies, and wiped her from his thoughts like a persistent fly. Rei's last body might get destroyed as well during these times of war, and before this, the union would have to take place. Otherwise he would lose her soul.
And then, he would lose Yui as well.
"Lancea Longini, the only thing that could have destroyed our hopes, is lost. Now only the last angel stands between us and the realization of all our dreams. He will appear soon, and once we have destroyed him, all our hopes will come to pass."
Possibly, that boy was the last angel. The most dangerous one. Still, he would have weaknesses, ways to destroy him. Gendou would find out about them; it was his job to kill angels.
He took off the glove, throwing it carelessly to the floor. There was no need to hide from her. She knew what was happening to him.
"Have a little more patience, Yui!"
He looked down on the tiny embryo growing inside the palm of his hand. The connection was only physical so far; he couldn't yet feel any signs of a union. Adam couldn't enter his soul yet. But soon their souls would join. The forbidding merging between human and angel…
Tsuzuku… (to be continued)