Time for my first Shadow Hearts story. Believe it or not, I worked backwards in the games, starting with From The New World, and ending with the original, beating each game's final boss before starting the next game. I'm currently starting over and enjoying everyone. FAVORITE GAMES EVER.

Inspired by DeviantArt's StarDragon Blue's ZST3K fanfic and the long gone Calvin and Hobbes Mystery Science Theater. Enjoy and review.


A huge space station orbited the random planet far away, as usual in these kind of fanfics. It had built in a kitchen, a living room with a huge table, several bookshelves, and a TV, a huge computer was built in another room and next to it, and down a hall was a theater. There was two non-descript bedrooms.

And suddenly four people appeared in a flash of bright light!

Huh. That's quite random.

And those four were none other than the four main heroes and heroines of Shadow Hearts, Yuri Volte Hyuga, Alice Elliot, Johnny Garland, and Shania Who-Has-No-Other-Name.

"In that case, I use Garvoy as my last name to prevent any further jokes." Said Shania Garvoy, doing a smart move that would have caused trouble later on.

"W-where are we?" asked Alice. Yuri looked around and noticed all the things mentioned above. He didn't pay any attention to the boy detective and his Indian assistant, only when Johnny walked up to him.

"Hey, you're that guy that Roger and Lenny like to talk about. Yuri, right? I'm, well, your successor to your adventures. Name's Johnny." This caught Yuri's attention, as he never seen or heard any of this.

"What? Successor? Bite me kid, I'm not old! How do you know old man Bacon and Lenny?" Yuri asked. Shania, following suit, walked over to Alice and grabbed Alice's hand.

"Hello. You must be Alice Elliot. I'm Shania…Garvoy. I've heard so much about you." Shania said as she shook Alice's hand. Alice smiled.

"You have? Sorry, I don't know much about you, do you have time to tell?" Alice asked kindly. The four exchanged information about each other, their powers, and their adventures. It was a friendly, calm, moment…

…if not ruined by the ugly face of Professor Gilbert appearing on the computer screen, making Alice scream. No, not out of fear, out of how ugly he is.

"Friendly, aren't we? Don't get too comfortable, I COULD throw all of you out of the airlock." He said with a giggle. All four approached the computer, ready to deal with whatever Gilbert was going to throw at them. They reached for their weapons…and discovered that they weren't there. Gilbert giggled again.

"Gotcha! You see, up here in this masterpiece of science, all of your weapons and abilities are sealed, to prevent you from escaping. But hey, the airlock is always an option…" Gilbert was shoved to side by an off-screen person before he had time to say any thing else. That off-screen person was Nicolai, smug.

"God-Slayer, it's been awhile." He said, as he brushing back a strand of hair that was is in his eye, and placing a foot on Gilbert's back. Yuri growled, remembering all of the crap that Nicolai made him go through. The others didn't know who he is, but sensed from Yuri's reaction that he was trouble.

"Yeah, as I last recall, old chum, you had a broken neck." Yuri replied in a Yuri-like fashion. Nicolai just chuckled.

"True. It was painful, really painful. But enough about me, let me tell you what you have to escape from here."

"Lick your shoes? No thanks. Probably taste like s*$. What the f*!#? Am I being censored?" Nicolai chuckled again.

"Up here, you're kid-friendly, so no bad words. He do have robots for anything else deemed non-family friendly…" He said, pointing to the Native American whose power included stripping.

Nicolai continued. "So to torture you, me and Gilbert have decided to follow a formula that evil bosses and crazy scientists tend to do, show crappy stuff, in this case, Fanfiction." Gilbert, still under Nicolai's foot, laughed manically, until he was kicked in his gut. The heroes looked confused.

"Huh?" asked Johnny. Gilbert managed to get up, and knocked out Nicolai out of the picture. "We're going to make you read/watch bad Fanfiction, whenever you what to or not." The heroes still seemed confused. What kind of torture was that?

"So your first story is an old story involving your old friend Keith Valentine and the author of the story, "What no Phone?". Enjoy!" The screen shut down as an alarm went off, signaling story time.

"Just ignore it…" Shania said as she went to the couch to rest, but like the others, was dragged in by the robots.

"Yuri…what should we do?" asked Alice, trying hard to escape.

"Simple. Do what I do. Make fun of whatever we're watching! We'll have our own brand of fun, if we do it enough, then good old Penguin-Face will let us go!"

"Or send us out the airlock."

"Well, it will be fun to do! Come on, guys, what do you say?"

"Sure!" "Fine." "If we die…"

What no Phone?

Yuri: What, no comma?

By Dessa Rhiannon

Heh this was a really stupid conversation that I had in my head at 3:06 am when I couldn't get to sleep,

Alice: Who thinks at 3 o' clock in the morning?

Johnny: OH BOY, 3 O' CLOCK IN THE MORNING! (starts to think)

so if this isn't funny then I am truly sorry but its staying up here.

Shania: We can hack your account and press 'delete'.

I think. I couldn't find my phone and Keith was staying over for a few days, why? I don't know ask my imagination.

Yuri: I asked, it said that you're a fan-girl.

Lucie- Where is it? Damn thing!

Alice: Under the couch, where else?

Keith- What are you looking for?
Lucie- My phone, surely you could have read my mind!

Johnny: I did, it said use grammar check.

Keith- I wouldn't want to pry.
Lucie- Hasn't stopped you before.

Shania (Keith): Listen, sorry about last week's panty raid.

Yuri (Keith): And eating all of the food.

Johnny(Keith): And killing your cat.

Alice (Keith): And destroying your cell phone…oops.

Keith- That wasn't the point I was trying to make, but alas there is you making a fuss about it!

Yuri (Keith): You made a fuss over the panty door being open!

Lucie- I'm not making a fuss I am trying to find my mobile, before you rudely interrupted.

Alice (Lucie: British accent): You rapscallion, my mobile is lost. Can you kindly locate it?

Keith- I am truly sorry. Do you remember where you put it?
(Stops and glares at him)

Johnny: He said the forbidden question. Prepare for execution.

Lucie- Do you really think that I would still be searching for it if I had remembered?

Shania: When I forget about it, I will give up.

(Runs upstairs to her room, while listening)
Keith- No, well I obviously didn't think before I spoke. But you really should have a better memory, mortals have very good memories if they just remember to use it properly.

Yuri (Lucie): But, I don't want to do that…that's makes thing easy!

Lucie- What!? I'm sorry but I cant organise the photographic memory computer in my head because I forgot the batteries.

Alice: Should have used Duracell.

Why am I making excuses? You're a vampire you don't have to worry about losing things coz you never forget, do you?

Johnny:Yeah, well, Twilight forgets vampires don't shine.

Keith- Yes that is true. But a computer? What you mean, those weird things that you write stories on and go on the world wide spider web?

Shania: Don't you just hate those anti-technology types?

Batteries? How could you get a computer in your head?

Yuri: I just shove one in. That always works.

(Keith looks genuinely intrigued)
(sighs and rolls her eyes, by this time stopped searching)

Alice: Keith's a girl?

Lucie- I was being be theoretical, ohhh where is that phone! I need it badly, I cant live without it. How is it I can never find it when I need it?

Johnny: If you do die, can I keep the cell phone?

(now ransacks the room in a desperate attempt to find it)

Shania: Yes, make sure it's not hiding in those beer cans.

Johnny: But it's not in the drawer marked "Cell-Phone Here!". I checked.

Keith- Maybe you should clear your bedroom every once in a while so you would find be able to. You can live with out it, in the 18th century we survived.
(looks proud of himself)

Yuri (Keith): Heh heh heh, we had phones on chords back then! God, I had no one to call…

Lucie- They weren't even invented then! Besides we are living in the 21st century now, not the 18th, move with the times man!

Alice (Keith: Old man): Ya whippersnapper! Treat your 400-year old vampire with respect!

Cant you find it with your mind power thingy? Or at least help me look for it!

Johnny: Does Keith have mind powers?

Yuri: Of course not. Lucie is a moron.

Johnny: No surprise.

Keith- You know that doesn't work, they have to be living for me to sense it. I am a nobleman and it is not my gadget so I do not need to find it.

Shania (Keith): Now out, out, I need to apply my mascara.

(she gets extremely angry)


Lucie- Nobleman?! They don't exist anymore, your the same as me apart from that your a whimpering "nobleman" of a vampire that cant do anything but sit on his ass!

Alice: Please apologize to the endangered species known as 'nobleman'.

Shania: Yes, the 'nobleman' is slowly disappearing. Would like to make a donation to the foundation?

Keith- I resent that comment. I have enough to say about you but I am too gentleman enough not to say it.
(She starts smiling, trying to wind him up)

Johnny: Stupid Keith action figure! You always to wind it up every two minutes!

Lucie- Go on say it, be the vampire your supposed to be. Come on be brave, I wont hit you .really I wont. *much*

Shania: We don't hate you , Mary-Sue Lucie. *much*

Keith- You are an annoying adolescent who has the memory span of a fish and never tidies her room.

Yuri: Keith, you said something smart! Good boy!

(she laughs hysterically)


Lucie- Ohhh come on, I mean you could at least put a little effort into it,
(Keith looks upset)

Johnny: (Puppy-dog whines)

Keith- It was

Yuri: AB-LIB TIME! It was in the cat!

Alice: Under the bed!

Johnny: destroyed!

Shania: used to kill a puppy-dog!

"Everyone stares at Shania"

Shania: What? A little dark humor never hurts anyone.

Lucie- Okay ..
(runs downstairs)
Keith- Where are you going?

Shania: Dumb-ass.

Lucie- It isn't up there.
(he sighs and follows her)
OHHHHHHHHHHH where is the flamin' thing?

Yuri: IN HELL!

Keith- Cant find it here either?
(Keith smiles evilly)

Alice: I knew it, he destroyed it!

Lucie- NO!
Have you looked over on the shelf where you were sitting before?
Lucie- No.. why I wouldn't have put ..
(finds the phone)
You knew it was there oooooooooh you annoy me!



Keith- I didn't know a thing
(he whistles and smiles innocently)

Shania: We hate you.

Lucie- Hmmmm Ohhh crap I need the charger. Scuse me!

Yuri: Excuse-to-prolong-the-story!

(runs back up the stairs again with Keith following)
Do you have to follow me everywhere? Next you'll be following me to the toilet?

Alice: That image was nice, thank you.

Keith- Toilet? Why the toilet?

Johnny (Keith): Seeing your bare LEGS is enough!

Lucie- OOOHHHHH! It doesn't matter. Ohh no where's my charger?
Keith- Not again!

Everyone: OH NO!

Lucie- I'm sorry but one as brain as a fish cannot remember everything, right?!

Shania: A fish with no brain is smarter than you!

Ahhh got it!
(runs back downstairs and sits down)
Geez that was exhausting!

Yuri: Yeah, running up and down stairs sure is exhausting. Time for a beer!

Keith- You should have let me gone up for you.
Lucie- Yeah right you would have taken years, you would have found the charger and started fiddling with it. Then you would have broken it.

Alice: Quite annoying, ain't we?

Keith- Hey!
Lucie- I haven't finished yet. On the way you would have found the cat and most likely had a nibble so to speak as well as killing it.

Johnny: Hey, you stole my joke!

Then looking at the patterns of the wallpaper. I would never have got it back.

Shania (Lucie): I'm still too lazy to anything useful!

Keith- Humph! What are you doing now?
(puts on her coat and runs out the door)
Lucie- Sorry I cant stand it! Bye.

Yuri: We were thinking the same thing!

Alice: Let's follow suit.

(Everyone gets up and begins to leave)

(runs off)
Keith- Typical teenager! She didn't even need her phone.

Johnny: We already know that the plot was stupid. Show, don't tell.

I apologise greatly for this but as you can tell it isn't funny and I was bored.

Shania: Despite your spelling error, we accept.

"That wasn't too bad…was it?" Asked Alice. The others looked at her like she was an idiot. Yuri was on the couch, trying to take a nap, Shania was looking in the kitchen for food, and Johnny was sitting on a stool, staring at Shania.

"O.K., I'll admit, it wasn't that bad. But I have a feeling it's only going to get worse…" Yuri said with a sense of dread in his voice.

"Let's make a rule. We only make fun of the stuff we watch, not talk about how bad it is. That would make us look like snobs." Suggested Johnny.

"Agreed." Everyone else said. Alice sat down in a chair…

…which a monitor came out of, sending her to the floor. Nicolai popped up.

"So, enjoyed today's great story?" He asked with absolute sarcasm. Gilbert was either seen or heard.

"Well, it would have been better. It could have you being beat up." replied Yuri, not really paying attention to the on screen menace. The others didn't react, and Alice just got up, put the chair back up, and opened up a book and started to read it. Nicolai grunted, not particulally annoyed.

"Just wait. Come next time, the torture gets worse. Everytime you finish watching one, another will be waiting. I've made this place worse than hell itself! What can you do..."

Johnny picked up a remote. "Hey, I found the 'Off' switch."

Yuri smiled. "Oh, goody!" He grabbed it, and pointed at the monitor.

Nicolai looked surprised. "NO, WAIT..."


This a test chapter. Please review and tell me what I should do.

I'm sorry if you find this offending.