I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute.
Yuri: Back alley, again?
I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream.
Alice: To calm myself, I took a drink of Uncle Rape's blood.
I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie. THey look at me and smiles adoringly.
Johnny: Hey, honey, thanks for the picking up tonight's dinner!
"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness.
Shania: Rant incoming!
I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite!
Yuri: The glass cracked!
I looked totally diffrent!
Alice: I didn't have a reflection!
For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before.
Johnny: Before, she thought she wasn't beautiful. Now, she thinks she's prettier than before?
Alice: She never thought she was ugly. She only wanted to be special!
My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,
Yuri: So silver then.
and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac.
Alice: So the only thing that changed was she got shiny?
Shania: She actually used shampoo for once!
I was radiant and magical and looked awesome.
Johnny: You're just a shiny Pokémon. Nothing really special.
My skin was even more pale than before
Shania: And then she died from lack of vitamin D.
and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic.
Yuri: So now she can parade around and treat people like the Mary-Sue she is!
I was amazed. Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me out of my silent staring.
Alice: What does it take to kill you?
Dave answered it.
"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!"
Johnny: I don't need to pay taxs!"
and he hung up
"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling
Shania: That Nigerian Prince I gave all our money to was a fake!
"uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad! he was my brother"
Yuri: It was inconsiderate for him to die! Who else is going to help me run my porn business?
I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school.
Alice: Dave and Marie shrugged, and enjoyed the afternoon drinking.
I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist
Johnny: A rapist and a racist? He deserved to die!
and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him!
Shania: A Mary-Sue who cares…whenever she feels like it.
I was going to explode with guilt.
Yuri: The C4 in the backpack wasn't going to help matters.
i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me. it was a bear - a big panda bear!
Alice: Oh. Hi. Have you been helped?
it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.
Johnny: To say the least.
"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks?
Shania: Why bother with logic at this point? Why bother at all?
And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused
Yuri: Now you know how the audience feels!
"WTF?" i screamed!
"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna but you can call me Snoofles."
Alice: A reject from Ranma ½ has wandered into the story!
"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiously
Johnny: Because talking animals piss me off! I'm going to kill it!
"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me.
Shania: So being a soulless annoyance gives you the ability to understand animals?
Johnny: Yeah. Satan loves taking souls from dog lovers. It's a personal hell!
You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet"
Yuri: You can pull more powers out of your ass!
"like watt?" i said
Alice: You can force people to give the middle finger!
"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me.
Johnny: Ignore the poison ivy!
I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers.
Shania: This short was rejected from Fantasia.
The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror.
Yuri: Because flowers are the work of the devil!
Alice: A flower killed my mother!
Johnny: I wanted the tree to burn down!
Shania: Why didn't the flowers explode?
The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward.
Alice: And pie. Everyone thinks about pie.
then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry.
Johnny: Then I realized I was sitting in something wet.
I touched another tree and it burst into flames. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling!
Shania: But it can't make the perfect lover.
"OMG, how is this possible?" i said
"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol " said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,
Yuri: I'm just the comic relief giant panda. HYU-UK!
"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?"
Alice: Come on, let's poop in people's lawns!
"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"
"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"
Johnny: Snoofles later died from the lack of bamboo available in Washington.
I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles. I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less.
Shania: You never cared at all!
in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes.
Yuri: Thanks, I thought you were going to run around in a speedo!
i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard like biaches
Alice: Or like a normal person in dodgeball.
Yuri: I have a feeling that the author was bullied by the cheerleaders because she threw boogers at them, like, all the time?
but i was dodging them at the speed of light.
Johnny: But you're not a super-sonic man.
Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls
Shania: You don't need us people! There it is, in black and white!
and I slapped her in the face.
Yuri: With my balls!
Johnny: Letting it slide!
"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag
Alice: Still prettier than Tiana.
"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever
Johnny: Oh, I see. It's okay to call others ugly and to go on a rant about how you're not beautiful, but once you have sex with somebody's boyfriend, you're suddenly beautiful. I get it. Better than everyone else, eh?
"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid!
Shania: Just your average high schooler.
what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!"
Yuri: Yay! A character who speaks the truth!
I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning.
Alice: Great. She'll do this every time she gets jealous of someone.
She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital.
Johnny: She has the power of syphilis!
I didnt look for my friends
Shania: What friends?
and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren.
Yuri: Don't you mean celebrate?
I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it.
Alice: Nice hat!
Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me
Johnny: My god, spies! Spies everywhere!
"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward.
Shania: Hi, could you shower while I watch inside of a locker?
i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor.
Yuri: Edward Cullen is a girl…oh, wait, we knew that.
I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok.
Alice: All the blood seeping out was totally ruining the floor.
He got up in a minute.
Johnny: Plenty of time to undress him and take pictures.
"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness.
Shania: A bit of a white lie there.
Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed"
Yuri: And disgusted. Mostly disgusted.
but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft bloodand he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward
Alice: I forgot to TeeVoo Jersey Shore!
"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"
Johnny: Well, then! Break out the fine wine!
"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren " Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me
Shania: His body was later found two days later by a boy scout group.
Yuri: Lauren later revealed the identity of her attacker.
Alice: Tiana was bought to Supreme Court by a SWAT Team.
Johnny: In a moment, the results of that trial.
"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me
Yuri: She's going to get away with those attacks. And she's going to party like no one ever partied before!
"dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!"
Alice: You didn't even tip me!
"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped
Johnny: Forbiden Fruit: The Bipolarization of Edward Cullen
"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! Ether stay here with me now and screw me
Shania: If you don't screw me every five seconds, I will leave you!
and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!"
Yuri: Oh, let me guess…Tiana.
"I choose thee Atlantnina!
Alice: WHAT A TWIST
Bella is a big mean cow
Johnny: Author's words, not Edward's.
and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!"
Shania: Now, get kidnapped so I can get shirtless and save your life.
He started to cry and I kissed him.
Yuri: On the eye.
He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time,
Alice: Shania called that.
Shania: Get a driver!
I'd never seen anybody look so perfect.
Johnny: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty perfect myself.
I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear
Shania: Which she wasn't wearing.
and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot.
Yuri: Kissing before spanking, I see.
He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.
Alice: Hey, that's how I feel right now!
"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"
Johnny: And ever and ever and ever?
"I does, i shall be thy mate " he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice
Shania: Right before he burped.
I found some handcuffs on a bench
Yuri: Oh boy, here we go.
Alice: Hooker isn't a good cop!
Johnny: They must have entered the Otherworld!
Shania: We're entering a Kim/Shego story!
Syl: Actually, I prefer Bonnie/Monique…
Syl: I'm gone.
and I tied him to a hook.
Alice: Ah yes, this high school is well know for their meat locker!
he was unable to move
Johnny: Gee, I wonder why?
and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing.
Shania: EEW! EEW! DEAR GOD!
Alice: BRING BACK THE MANCARROT! BRING BACK THE MANCARROT!
It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth. The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical.
Yuri: Magically horrid.
Sodenly a voice came from behind me
Alice: Hurry up, other Mary Sues want to bang Edward!
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"
Johnny: Dumbledore, please go back asleep.
It was Bella Swan!
Shania: Before she killed herself.
I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked and looked awsome with my exotic lithely hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it.
Yuri: That's a fire hazard!
but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more.
Alice: Tiana, The Girl That Didn't Give A Damn.
Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself and i was SO mad.
Johnny: How dare he tried to save her life? He better kill her.
how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more? I was pissed!
Shania: Again, Tiana.
and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe.
Yuri: She doesn't have emotions, she just pretends!
So i went home and skipped school and sat in my room in my black corset and leather panties and i smoked some drugs and started to weep.
Alice: Is this the prequel to My Immortal? When does she transfer?
dave came in and made a big smiley face.
Johnny: Her foster parents are like emoticons. Displays emotions without any real significance.
"hi tiaa! I didnt no you were home! how was school today?" (he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick)
Shania: He wouldn't notice if Uncle Rape was doing her!
"it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!" i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.
Yuri: This is turning into incest!
"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!" he said laughing a lot,
Alice: Ah-ha! He's the main villain! He wants to benefit from Tiana's life insurance!
and i knew he thougt i was just some silly kid wineing about homework and dumb boys and stuff.
Johnny: Actually, the last part is true.
he didnt no i had killed a man and lost the love off my life and had made lauren get hit by lighting and that all the kids at school thougt i was a freak becase my face and bodys were so diffrent from everyone elses.
Shania: Gee…maybe we should sorry for her. After all, SHE'S TOO STUPID TO FIGURE ANYTHING OUT!
"dave your a good person but ur SO FUCKIN DUMB! YOU ASSHOLE!" i shouted
Yuri: A mirror.
him and i threw my ashtray at his head WITHOUT TOUCHING IT
Alice: She set it on a spring earlier.
(i could make stuff move when i was angry now...it was so weird! why did this have too happen to me!)
Johnny: Other than the author?
"haha, i guess your right" he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin)
Shania: Dave takes crap like this all the time.
"its so nice havin you hear tiana, your so pretty. i swear your even prettier than before! and i think your boobs hav grown!"
Yuri: This is a normal conservation.
"yeh i no they are like an E cup now" i said.
Alice: CRACK! Goes the back!
Dave smiled and patted me on the head and left.
Johnny: Dave views everyone as a dog.
Alice: Everything makes sense!
I was so sick of bein treated like a kid and no one listenin to me
Shania: Who wants to?
that i got up and got dresed in a long black dress and took some pills (of drugs)
Yuri: I took some sleeping pills! I'm so hardcore!
and went out to the local nightclub which was called Pablo NIghtmare
Alice: The owner's kid named it.
it was a goth club were all the cool people went in forks.
Johnny: Goth and cool don't go together.
Alice: Everyone in Forks comes here to get spooned!
bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL!
Shania: Well, it was located in the deepest part of the woods, hidden in a old outhouse, you have to get past a dirty naked man…
i met snoofles on the way and he came with me.
Yuri: Good, the club could use some more black and white!
we went to the club and got drinks and started dancing to the heavy metal music.
Alice: The panda started to eat the legs off the bar stools.
ppl there stared at us cos i was so diffrerent looking and Snoofles was a panda,
Johnny: But mostly the latter got people's attention.
but we didnt care we were havin so much fun we were SO drunk and had taken a lot of drugs so my head was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere.
Shania: She's like this all the time.
"hi your called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school"
Yuri: And I collect dead rodents!
said Jasper Cullen who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry.
Alice: But not mellow!
he was tall.
Johnny: Yet small in certain parts!
he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes.
Shania: The Wicked Witch of the East in her earlier days.
(AN - haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL!)
Yuri: I decided to write it down instead of removing it. Lolz!
"hey whatever" i said. "why arent you with that girl i all ways see you with?
Alice: The one that ever existed? Yeah, I dumped her.
"you mean my GF alice," he said and locked soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips.
Johnny: She died after falling down a rabbit hole!
"what is wrong Jasper?" i said
"the problem is i dont love her like she loves me.
Shania: And that makes her evil!
i am gay, and thats wrong,
Syl: …no it ain't.
and i feel so horible about it!"
Yuri: But I'm too cheap to see a therapist!
"REALLY?" he sed, and looked chocked with his mouth open.
"theres nothing bad about bein gay u no" i said.
Alice: The first logical thing out her of mouth!
"yeah, its proper normal and Snoofles is gay and everything "
Johnny: Of course he is! He's…a…panda.
Yuri: Ssh! You'll explain the joke!
i said and Snoofles waved and Jasper waves back.
Shania: Some would call it puppy love, but I call it awful.
he smiled and we all stared dancing together and Jasper gave us some of his drugs.
Yuri: Sounds like a mission out of Grand Theft Auto.
Johnny: Well, hope it ends with Tony blowing the hell out of this place.
we had a relay good time
Alice: Everyone else didn't.
and jasper met another gay guy called Vince and we all got in Snoofleses car
Yuri: You will believe that a panda can drive!
Alice: You will also believe that this story has a pretty big ass to pull crap out of!
at the end of the night and i drove around while the others all had sex in the back of the car.
Shania: This story got stupid all of the sudden.
Johnny: Next chapter will have a scene where Tiana will have a little lamb.
(i was drunk but cos i was a vampire it was ok to drive i had beter reflex than humans!)
Yuri: It doesn't matter how drunk I am, I can pilot this plane! Wait, this is a plane…
but soddenly somethin jumped into the road infront of us
Alice: And opened his coat!
and i had to stop the car and get out.
Johnny: Those new ads are starting to create real problems!
there was a man standin in the middle of the road
Shania: Wearing a hockey goalie mask and had knives for fingers.
he was tall and mussely
Yuri: Oh, Mr. Clam! What are you up to?
and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness.
Alice: How racist.
Johnny: Darker Than Black was darker than that!
he was good looking but he looked so angry
Yuri: Watch out for snakes!
Alice: Heh, I love that!
i got out my samurai sword
Shania: Katana, you weeabo twit!
(i often have it with me!)
Yuri: Like…right now!
but somone jammed up behind me and tore it from me,
Alice: Mosh pit!
there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness
Johnny: Or like one person with twenty arms!
and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up!
Shania: You're going to be my Christmas present wherever if you like it or not!
Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice,
Yuri: Or they took a lesson from Tiana and decided they didn't care.
i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other
Alice: They're only pretending to have sex!
it was so cute but now was SO not the time!
Johnny: Then when is it time?
The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.
Shania: She actually walked into a branch.
when i awoken i found myself in a small dark room
Yuri: With only a lantern and a note addressed to me from me as the only things in the room.
and the tall mussel man was in front of me.
Alice: Mr. Clam Teaches The First Grade! In bookstores now!
I was strip down to my underwear and i was chained to a chair with some metal chains and i coudnt move.
Johnny: Reminds me of a bad movie based around a bad idea.
"WHO ARE YOU YOU WANKY PERV!" i shoyted.
Shania: Why, I'm Guybrush Threepwood! Mighty Pirate!
"I AM JACOB...THE WEREWOLF KING!"
Yuri: And I have grown so tired of the same old thing!
he yelled with his eyes rolling around in his face - he looked so mad and CRAZY!
Alice: Crazy for low, low prices!
"NOOOOOOO!" I scremed and i try to broke myself free but i was under so many heavy chains so i looked into his wagging face insted.
Johnny: So this girl can tear a man apart and strike a girl down with lightning, but she can't break out of chains?
Alice: Well, how else can Edward prove his love?
"Watt do u want from me? why am i here?" i say and i started to cry.
"YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN!"
Shania: Jacob and Edward are the perfect boyfriends. Where Jacob is nice, helpful and actually cares, Edward has the perfect body.
Alice: Which most girls care only for the latter.
he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like.
Yuri: I guess rabies shots would be weirder if you are a werewolf.
"YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD!
Alice: I PREFER WHEAT!
Oh my god…. YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE!
Johnny: I agree, Caps-Lock Boy!
YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH!
Shania: Now go away or I shall taunt a third time!
ITS WEIRD AND WRONG
Yuri: The story summed up in four words.
AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART!
Alice: Actually, Bella does that to herself all the time. Not really Tiana's fault, but go ahead and blame her.
HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!"
Johnny: No raisins!
Shania: No cinnamon!
Yuri: No nutrients!
This dude was insane, he was so angery he was jumpin up and down.
Shania: Damn Hammer Bros!
But something he said had caugt my attention
Yuri: I never realized I was made of grain!
"What do u mean my mom was a whitch?" I said.
Alice: Actually, he was being nice.
"MY FATHER USED TO NO HER!
Johnny: AS A PENPAL!
Alice: THEY SHOWED PICTURES OF THEIR HERMIT CRABS!
SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH!
Shania: I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH WORDS BEGINNING WITH B!
SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE
Yuri: That lighter trick doesn't count.
AND CONTROLL THE WETHER
Alice: A weatherwoman doesn't control the weather, nuthead!
AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF!
Shania: The lost and forgotten Disney Princess.
SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!"
Yuri: She was a super freak, super freaky!
Johnny: She was kinky, but not the kind you would bring home to mother.
Of corse! It all made sense now! I was so shocked I fainted,
Alice: So the next part I made up!
When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED!
Johnny: This is turning into a cheap 80's horror flick!
He was smilling in a proper creepy way
Shania: That sort of smile is called the Stepford Smile.
Alice: Even wackos need to follow smile protocols.
and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing
Yuri: This story is about to croak!
and his male genital item was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom.
Alice: …sorry Jesus, but….SWEET JESUS!
Shania: BRING THE MANCARROT BACK! BRING THE MANCARROT BACK!
he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed.
Johnny: Oh goody. Uncle Rape inspired another character to the same.
whatt was he going to do to me!
Yuri: Killing you would be nice.
but sudenly before he coud
Alice: A shot rang out!
come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!
Johnny: For he's a jolly good fellow…
IT WAS EWDARD!
Shania: THE END! Good-night everybody! Enjoy the nightmares!
"Hey…" Johnny said while pointing to Shania.
"What?" Asked Shania with a mouth filled with food in her mouth. "Can this wait? I'm starving to death for some reason."
"Shania…you're yourself again." Johnny pointing to Shania. "And look! You're wearing your sexy clothes again!"
"But I'm keeping the hippie dress." Shania munched. "But I'm dying it brown. Anyone got a large hairy cat?"
"And Alice…you stopped hitting Yuri and everything else!"
"Yes…" Alice groaned as she began to re-glue papers back into the proper books. Her hair still looked messed up, but it was back to normal. "And I got a long week ahead of me repairing this ship. And don't even bother to help me. This is me punishing myself." She picked up the pace as she finished one copy and moved onto the next.
"So things are thankfully back to normal." Yuri happily said while reading a magazine.
"How?" Johnny started to get into detective mode. "How did these two revert back to normal? Did the story ending return them back to normal?"
"Actually…" Shania swallowed before speaking again. "Watching the another half of the story was so bad it turned us back to normal. We got a double dose of bad medicine."
"Drat!" Gilbert yelled over the speaker. "I should have stopped two parts ago!"
"Well, too late Gilly!" Yuri threw the magazine at the monitor that showed Gilbert's mug. "We won this round, like we won all the other rounds! You should just give up, let us go home, give us a life-time supply of candy…"
"As if!" Gilbert yelled. "I need to find something worst! Or least fill the time with filler!"
"Till next time!"