Read Orkhammer. Laughed my butt off. Decided to do some myself. First couple of chapters are really just copypasta but from there I plan to expand on it. it's just too funny to pass up. Hopefully I can match up to the original writer of this comedic gold.


It was a barracks. A PDF barracks at that. So no one though anything strange when fungi began to grow in the corners. Over the years the 68th Galvanian had seen much action first with the Eldar raids, then the Xeno that claimed the Western hemisphere would cause trouble. And then there was a minor ork incursion. No one knew what to make of that last one, considering how small it was. And so the regular purging protocols were overlooked as the Xenos from the West began to attack once again.

No one noticed when some members of the 68th were slightly bigger...and greener. Or why the numbers of the regiment seemed to swell, even though recruitment was down this year. No one seemed to care how the new recruits seemed to mash things together with no care to the machine spirits of their war kit. Yes there was some doubt from the local Mechanicus, but after the Archmagos visited the Barracks of the 68th his doubts seemed to be put at ease. He seemed to also take on the same training regimen as he became much larger and greener himself. He was so pleased that he even ordered the rest of the Mechanicus to follow his example, going to the 68th's barracks for a brief training regimen.

No one noticed when other regiments started to show the same green soldiers of the 68th. Not the commissars, not the psykers, not even the Planetary Governor. But when the 68th started calling themselves "Da Sicstee Eiff Klan o Da Emprah" a few men of the Ecclesiarchy started to grow unsettled. That is what drew the Inquisitor to the planet. That is where this tale begins.

Chapter 1

The inquisitor was not pleased.

"Governor, I'm by no means a strict man. But the reports I have been hearing have shocked even me. If what they say is true, it will not bode well for your title."

The two men were seated on either side of the Governor's desk, drinking tea.

"Why, Sir Inquisitor, I am shocked! What could you mean by such allegations?" The governor was a heavyset man, tall and broad. If he hadn't known better, the Inquisitor would have sworn the man had Ogryn blood in him.

"Unseemly actions of your men. Possibly, the taint of Chaos. Even… that foul xenos have infiltrated your army."

The Governor stood abruptly, setting his teacup down firmly. "Are you accusing my men of heresy, sir? My men are clean of Chaos, I can swear on my life! They may not be… the most tidiest or formal of soldiers, but my Planetary Defense Force are true warriors in every sense of the word!"

The inquisitor looked at the other man, unimpressed by his posturing. "Calm down, man. If I had anything but hearsay, you would already have a laspistol to your head. I am merely here to see if there's any truth to the rumors."

"You've come at a good time, then. We're holding the bi-annual training tournament at the moment, the last training before the troops leave for Elkoss VI." The governor smiled thinly at the Inquisitor. "You can consider having it held in your honor, if you want."

The training grounds were relatively far from the palace grounds, it seemed. At least, the old guardsman took a long time to drive there in the regimental car.

"ARE YOU SURE THIS IS ONLY THE TRAINING GROUND, GUARDSMAN?!" The guardsman swerved round a crater and jammed his foot on the accelerator.

"What? Sorry, sir, I can't hear you over the Basil-" Another series of explosions rocked the ground, an almost constant krump-krump-krump.

"We're here, everyone out!" The governor had pulled on a massive power claw out from somewhere in the back of the car, and was already striding towards the concrete barracks.
"Well, then, Inquisitor, come in and feast your eyes on some of the finest of the Imperial Guard!" Green helmets. Green armor. Green boots. Green- well, almost green everything. "Governor."

"Yes, Inquisitor?"

"What exactly am I looking at?"

"Why, the PDF being trained here, of course! What else?"

The barracks were full of soldiers, kitting themselves up and getting ready to go. In the maelstrom it looked like no-one had noticed the pair of humans at the door.

"And the green skin…?"

"Ah- we're trying an experimental procedure of permanent camouflage. I've had an idea to train all of my troops extensively in the Doctrine of Stealth-"

"And the fangs for teeth?"

"Bad dental hygiene, I'm afraid. We're not the richest of planets, and we can't afford EVERY bit of cleaning-"

"Governor," the inquisitor snapped, "These 'men' of yours are clearly orks! What the hell is going on here?"

The Governor looked bemused. "Corporal, get over here!" One of the soldiers, hesitating for a second, ran over. "Are you a human or an ork, Corporal?"

"Me, boss? I'z definnily a humie, ain't that right, boyz?" The other muttered various forms of agreement.

"Yer right!"

"Izza humie fer sure, heh!"

"Look, Inquisitor, we all know that orks are short, squat creatures. These fine humans are nothing of the sort!" It was true; the 'guardsmen' were all well muscled troops, above average height and looked menacing. The inquisitor muttered something under his breath and marched out.