A/N: Okay so after like an entire weekend of my mum having a go at me and telling me to write a short story I came up with this. At midnight. Did not get much of a chance to proof read it, so I'm sorry for mistakes even though I've gone over it now. The ending doesn't make 100% sense, umm... I got different... interpretations of it from some of my friends, but I'd really like to know what you think. Good, bad? Crap?
Song is Near To You by A Fine Frenzy. I'd listened to this song all weekend and had it stuck in my head when I wrote it. Again, please let me know what you think. I haven't actually seen many Barek/Logan episodes so I'm hoping I got the characters right...Such pain as this
shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss
still a little bit delirious, yeah
At the knock on her front door, Carolyn reluctantly got up from her couch and made her way to the front door, shuffling down the hallway to open the door, pulling it open roughly.
"Carolyn," Bobby nodded his head lightly to her, "you look like crap."
"Geeze Bobby that is something every girl loves to hear."
There was a silence that filled the hallway of Carolyn's apartment, until Bobby spoke up breaking the silence. "Well, you going to invite me in?" she stepped back to allow him to enter and he did so, casting a critical eye around the apartment, taking in the mess, the empty beer bottles, vodka bottles.
"Why are you here Bobby?" she asked irritated.
"I wanted to drop in, make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine as you can see," she spoke, irritated, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back against the wall, crossing one ankle in front of the other.
"You haven't answered any of your phones. You could have been dead for all we knew."
"I'm not," she rolled her eyes.
Once again, silence filled the room and Carolyn began to fidget nervously with the hem of the old NYPD shirt she wore over old grey track pants.
"Carolyn you've just dropped of the face of the earth and -"
"What did you expect me to do Bobby?" she yelled at him, dropping her arms to her sides, fists forming. "Go back to work? After what happened? I couldn't face them."
It was then that the tears started to fall and he was quickly by her side, wrapping an arm around her pulling her in for a hug and rubbing his hand in circular motions on her back.
"I couldn't face them Bobby," she whispered.
Near to you, I am healin'
but it is takin' so long
Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful
it's hard to move on
A few beers later and Carolyn had opened her heart to one of her closest friends. She hadn't had any physical contact with anyone since that day. She'd curled up in a ball and slept few the first few weeks.
Now, months later, she was just starting to get her feet under her once more. She felt she could breathe again. Bobby stayed with her all that night as she cried and let out all she had been holding in for the past few months. He held her as she cried, laughed with her over stories that she told. He even cooked her dinner that night. He held her tight when she went to sleep.
The next morning, he woke before her and watched her as she slept. She looked so sad and he didn't know how to help her. He himself was upset and angry over the events that occurred six months ago; but it would have destroyed her even more.
She looked peaceful while she slept, despite having lost so much weight over the last few months, so much so her clothes didn't fit anymore, and hung like rags over her body.
She stirred and looked over at him; confused for a second. "Bobby?"
"Hey," he whispered to her, gently stroking her cheek. "How are you doing?"
"I miss him so much," she whispered, not bothering to move out of his arms.
"I know you do," he whispered to her. "I miss him to."
The two lay in silence for what felt like hours, but was closer to five minutes. "I have a question for you."
"Please don't ask me when I'm coming back."
"No… no. Not at all. I wasn't going to ask you when you were coming back to work. I was going to ask you, have you seen him?"
Carolyn pulled back away from him and looked at him in confusion. "Seen who?"
Her silence was enough to give him an answer. He pulled away from her and rolled of the bed. "I'll go make some coffee; I'll bring it into you okay?"
She nodded mutely as he left the room, his words ringing in her ear over and over again. Had she seen him? Should she see him? The last time she had seen him, she had been angry at him, had told him that she hated him, and now it was destroying her.
He and I, it's somethin' beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
Loved him so but I let him go
Cause I knew he'd never love me back
How could she have been so stupid? How could she have been so selfish? How could she have said I hate you, and just walked of like that? How could she have ever thought he wouldn't love her?
She smiled, for the first time in six months when Bobby brought her a cup of coffee and sat on the bed next to her. She was grateful he was here with her.
"How are you?"
"Me?" he asked surprised.
"I haven't seen you, or Alex since… how is… everything?" she used the word hesitantly.
"Alex and I are great," he nodded his head, hoping to take her mind of everything that had been going on lately. "Missing you though."
"I'm missing her to," Carolyn spoke, "I'll have to catch up with her sometime."
Bobby fell silent for a moment, and then looked at his watch, "I should get going, I still have t get home and changed before heading back."
"Tell Alex I'll call her," Carolyn promised and stood, hugging the older man. "Bobby? Thank you!"
"You're welcome," he told her, meaning it. "Come visit anytime. Call, any time? Okay?"
She nodded. "I promise. But there is something I have to do first."
"All you did that day was try to protect me," she told him slowly, remembering the events of that horrific day. "We were at the Garth house hold; you and I were interviewing Nerida Garth. She went to hit me and you got in the way… took the hit that was meant for me." The tears started to slowly fall down her cheeks as she recounted these events.
"She was arrested and the uniform was handcuffing her… you came to check on me… Mike. I was angry at you. You'd hurt my pride. You made me feel like one of your conquests, someone who you owned and had to look after, someone without independence, and someone who couldn't look after themselves.
"I hated you at that point… we got into a fight, right there in the street. It was a massive blow out. I hate you. That was the last thing I said to you, turning and walking away from you. I saw the disappointment on your face, how upset you were. I didn't care. I was hurting at that stage too. I kept walking. Until I heard the gunshot. I turned and ran back as fast as I could… I loved you, but… the last thing I said was I hated you. I got to you too late."
By now the tears couldn't stop falling down her face. "I loved you Mike, and I know you loved me. Even thought our relationship was complicated, it was the most important thing to me. It was the only thing that kept me going. It was what I looked forward to each night, coming home to you. I loved you so much Mike that it hurt. It still hurts."
She leant down onto the grave and placed a single red rose alongside a locket. She blew a gentle kiss. "Don't love me anymore… let me go," she whispered to his grave. "I love you, and it's killing me… I have to let go. But I will never forget you."