A.N: This story takes place during the 22th episode of 5th season called Swan Song. It means it's really full of spoilers, so if you didn't see it, do not read! xDD You were warned! So, that's Sam POV of the battle scene between Michael and Lucifer. No beta, so forgive the mistakes of a non-native English translation of mine. xDD
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, obviously! Eheh I just can't resist and I take Eric Kripke's creations to play around a little… But I always put the boys back in place, don't worry! lol
"He's gonna feel the snap of your bones. Every single one! We're gonna take our time."
Here I was, in front of him, beating him without regret, without even having control over my own body. A while ago I accepted that there was no way out, no matter how hard I fought it… I knew we have lost. And was hurting to know that I would have to kill him, no matter what I did, with my own hands… Him, who was the one that I fixed so many times in the past, physically and emotionally; Dean, the one who I just didn't want to lay a finger on, to begin with!
I simply couldn't accept that this was the end! What about all the words that hadn't been said? And what about the ones that should never had been said between us, but we let out in anger? And what about the life that I ran away from, even thought I knew it was mine too? What about my regret to have left him alone too many times?
What about the job? What about Sam and Dean, the amazing hunters, the ones that people always called when they were in danger? What about the thing we dedicated our own lives to do: "Save people, hunt things, the family business"? What about all the lives that would end because of our absence?
What about us? How was that fair that I would never see his smile again, and hear him say again that it'll be all okay? What was the justice in the fact that we would never just sit at the hood of the Impala and watch the stars in the sky at night, without even needing words between us? How would be a life where I wouldn't have anybody at my side, no person to laugh with or even someone that would always protect me and that would do anything to make me smile?
How could I just kill him like that?
"Sam, it's okay! That's okay! I'm here... I'm here!"
My heart rate increased, but Lucifer didn't seem to notice. I couldn't lose that! I would not lose that protection, that childish felling that everything would always be alright, 'cause my big brother was there and he would protect me from anyone and anything that tried to stand in my way! I had to make sure that this strong presence would always be there, to pull me back to the surface and hold me tight, telling me that it would all be okay now.
"I'm not gonna leave you... I'm not gonna leave you!"
No, I just couldn't let Lucifer win! That would be the end of everything we fought for! And, on the top of all that, I needed to save the person in front of me, bleeding and scared, calling me, wanting to reach me no matter what! I needed to save my angel, my protector, from the hands of the monster that possessed me! And doesn't matter how high would be the price, I would pay it!
I started to fight with more strength against my own body. I would not kill my older brother; NOBODY could lay a finger on him and get out like that! And, with my own hands, I would not kill him, because I just couldn't, because he meant everything to me and I knew the pain of losing him! And I couldn't fell that again, not even for a second… I just wouldn't feel that again!
And there I was, fighting the thing inside of my body, trying to stop him to give the final blow. Trying to stop him from ending what was left of my life, the life I shouldn't ever have ran away from. The life full of regrets and mistakes, which I was ashamed of, but also fulfilled by moments that I was proud of at the same level.
And was then that all happened: Lucifer, unarmed by the light, let his eyes turn into that car. That piece of steel that didn't meant anything to him: wasn't more than steel, engines and seats, pieces of the creations of the creatures he believed were so insignificant to him. But to me, that wasn't just that! The car was my home, was part of my family! That was the closest thing to my brother, who always had been kind of a father to me, that I could wish to have close by at these moment.
And so I saw that little detail: the army man, the one that I put in the ashtray, was still at the same place. Even after rebuilding 'her', my brother never tried to take that out. Because that tiny little things, like the Legos into the vents that Dean himself put there or the first letters of our names we wrote together inside the car; that minimal things were all little pieces of us, important to our lives, parts of that car that was, really, our true home, that held the most precious moments of our lives, that saw us growing up and that was a part of what we were now.
Just then the memories came: memories that took me and warmed my chest from the inside out. Memories that, I knew, would be my real heaven, no matter what. The most perfect moments of a life, that, without any changes, meant everything to me! The memories of the two of us, the road we walked so far, the pains and the laughs, the moments that made us more that brothers just because of our blood: it made us brothers with our souls.
Maybe that was the reason that gave me strength to fight even more. My family was there, in front of me, trying to save me, bleeding, but doing the possible and the impossible to save me and save the world. The brother who, I knew, I could never thank enough or be proud enough, because even with all his mistakes, he was the life that now I was leaving behind. He was a fundamental part of me.
That was the way I took control over myself. It wasn't easy, but the memories helped me: they always did. Because it possessed a love and a light that Lucifer couldn't stand against, just cause he would never understand it! Because he never learned to love and be loved! 'Cause, to him, everything ended in hate and vengeance towards his older brother… And that I simply couldn't get at all!
I felt my chest ache when I saw the state I let my brother in. But all that would be over pretty soon, because this time we would win at the end. And even if I died and never saw Dean again, I knew my brother would understand. I knew he would be proud of me and he would support any decision I took, because he loved me and that was called being a good father, a good brother. And that was what made my life really worth it!
"It's okay, Dean... That's gonna be okay! I got him."
With that in mind I opened the gate. Still fighting Lucifer, using the strength of the memories and the warmth of the love I felt to lock him down inside of me. All I wanted was to say goodbye to Dean, was to make the pain that he surely felt go away even thought I was leaving to never come back again. But I knew for my own experience that nothing ever would make that pain really go away. That was, definitely, losing a piece of you forever, like I did two years ago.
I wanted to be sure that he wouldn't do anything stupid, that he would live his life and would leave me just in memory. That he wouldn't try to save me… The truth? In my heart I knew he wouldn't. Because he promised me, and Dean would never break his promise, not one he made to me, especially not the last one. And in the pure despair in his eyes all that was clear to me, who knew him better then he knew himself.
Deep down, I could see that he just wanted to stand up and grab me, to not let me go into that hole, jumping to my death. But he couldn't, because the weight of the whole world was literally at his shoulders. He would have to let his own brother die to save the world! And wasn't fair to see all that weighting on my hero, the one that gave me food and took me in to sleep at night, the one that would never leave me, no matter what.
And that was the reason why Michael's words couldn't stop me. That was the reason why I took him with me when he tried to stop me, to make sure that no one would just walk out of that all. To make sure that this was the end, and my brother could, finally, fulfill the promise to let me go forever.
The best part was that I wouldn't die alone! He was there all the time, looking in my eyes before I closed them, telling goodbye without words, crying on the inside for losing all that. And obviously he was there! I always knew my brother would be standing by my side in all my victories and all my failures. And if my biggest victory would bring the death to me, that didn't matter: the truth was that my home, my best friend was there, telling me goodbye and I couldn't ask for anything more.
And that was the way I went. Even when I fell down, I held on to the memories, 'cause they were the most important things in life. They saved us and they were what always put me back at the right path. Was in them the thing that did matter the most: my family! So I would pass away holding the memories close to me, holding on to the presence that would never leave me alone. With my chest warmed by it, that was the way that I saw the world start to blackened and I left it all behind. Holding on to it I fell down, to never come back again.
Well people, let's go to the final words eheh:
Thanks a lot to everybody that read that ^^ I put my heart here, like I do every time I write. That episode left me all anguished, with tear on my eyes even though I just couldn't cry! It was stunning and amazing, wonderful and horrible, painful and emotional, fulfilled with love and lost, all at the same time! I felt really bad for Dean and my first reaction was, surely, to hate the episode with all my will! Because that just wasn't fair at all to have a brutal and stupid ending! Because, in the end, put those two apart was just cruel! The boys have the same heaven, for God's sake! Separate they were the worst punishment in the world!
But after thinking a lot about the episode (and watching him for the second time lol), I just fell in love by it, like I always do with Supernatural episodes. And that's the reason why the show is so great, the feelings that it bring to us! That is the reason that makes Supernatural different from the other shows in TV! And that's why we love Sam and Dean like if they were real! Because, somehow, they are real to us!
I have to say that I'm a little freaked out about the sixth season. I don't have ANY IDEA of what will happen, and I can't truly believe in the spoiler that said the next season would be about the brother's relationship… Doesn't seem likely, but let's wait and see xDD they can always surprise us, right? ^~
There is a lot of other stuff I wanted to say! But, really, if I continued writing it, in the end that final notes would be bigger than the fanfic itself ahaha! So, I'll stop myself and try to show you with more stories, which is what I really love to do, a little of what the episode meant to me and probably to you all too ^^ Maybe, who knows, that will make the agony of these four months (God, I hope so lol) of pure anxiety and a little despair to know what will happen to the boys we love so much!
Kisses and I can't thank you all enough for being so gentle with me! ^^ I wanted to thank everyone who read and commented, put in favorites or at least read In The Blink Of An Eye (If you didn't read that, that's about the same episode, but at Dean's POV), even though I answered to the reviews, I can't say thank you enough! And to the anonymous reviews too, thanks a lot! ^~
I hope to see you all here a lot of times until September, to read that crazy things I keep writing lol! And - who knows? – make that long long wait look a little more bearable, with we all together?^~
See you all there o/