There was nothing but darkness. No, that was incorrect. There was something, or rather someone, in this darkness. And this person was currently cursing rather loudly.
"Where the hell am I? And why is it so frigging dark here?" Ichigo cursed loudly. He didn't remember how he had landed in this strange place or what he had been doing before that. And to make things worse there was no one nearby who might have been able to give him answers.
"I swear, if this is another one of Aizen's schemes…" Ichigo didn't finish the sentence because suddenly music could be heard. It was pretty catchy and also strangely… familiar? Where had he heard this before?
Then, without a warning, a voice could be heard.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away...
Ichigo stared into the blackness incredulously. There was no fucking way that…
There was. The voice continued to rattle down the background information for a movie Ichigo was very familiar with, only this time there were no large yellow letters floating through the darkness but strangely drawn… rabbits?
It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire…
With a deadpan expression Ichigo looked up to where he estimated the voice to come from. "Rukia? Is that you? Of course it's you, there's only one person who can't draw to save her life."
The voice stopped, but only for a moment. Then it spoke up again, but annoyance was clearly audible in its tone. "No, I'm not Rukia. And my drawings aren't that bad, thank you very much."
"Suuuure, and Kon's not perverted at all. Seriously Rukia, is that supposed to be some kind of prank? It sucks, and I think I'd like to get out of here now – "
Ichigo was suddenly interrupted when a gigantic rabbit made of stone dropped on him, effectively knocking him out. The voice spoke up again, this time sounding pretty smug.
"Disrespect my awesome drawings, will you? It's your own fault you'll miss the rest of the introduction now, well, not that you'll remember any of this…"
And everything faded to black once again.
Hovering over a planet in the deep vastness of space
For many people there is nothing more calming than the night sky with its millions of stars. Normally this would also apply to the crew of the little spaceship which was currently flying near the planet of Karakuraine – but normally they weren't pursued by an Imperial Cruisers either. Said Imperical Cruiser was quick on the tail of the Rebel Blockade Runner that was hovering over Karakuraine.
"Can't you drive this bucket of bolts any faster?" Princess Nanao urged the pilot as she felt a sudden jostle rock the ship.
"I can't ma'am! They've got us in their tractor beam!" The pilot struggled with the controls before they were yanked from his grip. The ship was no longer under the Rebel's control. Currently the undercover ship of the rebels was running an escort mission to transfer some encrypted data, but had gotten ambushed when an Imperial Cruiser had shot out from hyperdrive and attacked them.
"Damn it." Nanao ran down the corridors of the ship, drawing her pistol as she did so. A quarter of the soldiers on the ship were stationed behind doors, hatchways, and corners, ready for the inevitable intrusion. Already they could hear the clanging of boots as the Exequias, the enemy soldiers, drug heavy equipment to penetrate the door. Nanao quickly needed to find her two droids. There was only one man in the Empire who would dare to make such an attack on an official diplomacy ship, and if he caught her, the droids would be her only chance!
On the starboard side of the ship were two droids that were bickering back and forth. One, a gold-plated humanoid argued in an invariably high-pitched whine while the other, a squat, dome-shaped droid roughly half the size of her companion shot back incessant beeps.
"We're all going to die!" K-3IGO, the golden droid wailed in its distinctly mechanical voice.
His companion, a Ne-mu class infiltration droid simply told him in its own robotic language that he was an idiot.
"The Exequias are here, and I think they just blew the door and are invading, yet you're telling me I'm' an idiot?"
"Bleep bloop." Ne-mu affirmed as her "head" rotated and her robotic eyes met the distraught ones of her golden friend. Actually, if one were to ask Ne-mu, "friend" would be a loose term of what she would call K-3IGO. She preferred the term "leech" since it most aptly described the whining humanoid.
"Ahhh!" K-3IGO wailed and proceeded to walk away quickly before suddenly returning back.
"T-They're coming!" K-3IGO's mechanical body chirped and whirred as he flailed with stiff movements.
"Breep!" Ne-mu said before a wheel jutted out from beneath her "pants" and left K-3IGO behind. The curious thing about Ne-mu units was that they all looked like miniature clones of the original maker. Ne-mu units hosted hair, clothes, and even a face which were all of course, painted on.
"Wait for meeee!" And so, K-3IGO followed. The humanoid droid nearly short-circuited when he walked into a corridor with lasers criss-crossing, not sparing an inch of the inner hull from its deadly chaos. Meanwhile, on the other side Ne-mu had made it safely across, not a single scratch on her "clothes." If K-3IGO could've opened his mouth, he would've done so in disbelief.
"Brzirp cherp drooy." Ne-mu tilted from side-to-side as she called out to K-3IGO.
"You're kidding! No way I'm walking when I could get shot!" A stray bolt burned a mere two inches away from his face. With that he was convinced as he walked through the hail of dancing laser bolts. Amazingly, he survived and made it to where Ne-mu was.
"I'm safe!" K-3IGO raised his arms in joy before he was interrupted by a series of beeps. Before he could retort, he saw princess Nanao gesturing them over. She had an apprehensive look on her face as she pulled out a book. Once the droids had moved over to her, Nanao tried stuffing the book in Ne-mu's "mouth", much to the small droid's dismay.
"Why won't this go in?" She muttered before she realized something. "Oh, sorry!" Nanao apologized as she took the book out and inserted a holo-vid disk. Ne-mu accepted with a beep before clanging footsteps could be heard approaching. In a last ditch effort to get the message to intended hands, Nanao thrusted the droids into a life-pod and ejected them into space.
Meanwhile, where the Rebels were, a huge fight was underway… and music as well. It was a Spanish Guitar with a high-paced melody with drums playing in the background. These instruments shouldn't even be known in this universe but eh, whatever right?
The Rebels were being pushed back as their comrades fell to the onslaught of the Exequias. The music seemed to empower the Exequias, aiding their superior numbers to completely overrun the soldiers on the ship. Before long, the entrance of the Blockade Runner was filled with the bodies of the rebels and the cold, emotionless armor and skull masks of the Exequias.
One of the soldiers momentarily stopped his retreat. He turned around towards the doorway the Exequias were spewing from in time to see the menacing form of Darth Vader as he entered the ship. He was a 7 foot tall mass of black armor that would've scared the soldier to death if Darth Vader had not been… dancing? Or rather, it seemed he was orchestrating the music that was playing in the background. Regardless, the Rebel turned and ran away. He had failed to notice the Exequia that had sneaked up on him and now brought him to the most feared person of the entire Empire – at least he was supposed to be fearsome, but a 7 feet tall humming and dancing Sith Lord is more disturbing than fear inspiring. (Bleach OST 3: Principio de Lucha)
The Exequia approached his lord with the rebel in a firm hold. "My lord, we have captured one of the rebels."
But Darth Vader ignored the Exequia and continued to dance as the guitar solo in the song reached its climax.
"LORD VADER!" The Exquia screamed in frustration.
This finally got the attention of the giant clad in black. He flipped a switch on his suit and the music stopped. He turned his helmet-covered head to the Exequia and sounded a little peeved.
"Yes? What is it? I was enjoying the music! Music expresses a man's burning heart unlike anything else! Especially the guitar!" Vader gave a curt nodded, as if agreeing with his insightful advice.
"My lord, we have captured a rebel and need to interrogate him. You know, the stolen plans…?"
Darth Vader looked startled for a moment, which was an amazing feat considering that his entire mimic was covered by his helmet.
"Oh, yes, the plans! I totally didn't forget about that!"
The Exequia present all shared the same thought: 'Yeah… sure.'
Turning towards the rebel, his black cloak dramatically fluttering when he did so, Darth Vader looked at the poor rebel who was in for the worst experience of his life.
"So, you're a rebel, huh? My special torture methods haven't failed me once yet, so prepare yourself!"
One would expect a brutal physical assault from Darth Vader now, considering his position in the Empire. But things aren't always as they seem. The rebel screamed in utter anguish, but the reason was a little different compared to the expected one.
"Haha! You're no match for me little Rebel!" Vader laughed as he noogied the Rebel he currently had in a headlock. "Now tell me! Where are the plans for the Hogyoku?" He asked the soldier who desperately tried to escape his iron grasp.
"W-What are you talking about man? We're on a diplomatic mission dude! There're no secret plans or whatever! You're insane man!" The Rebel would not speak, and Vader knew he wouldn't. So he tossed him to the side, knocking him unconscious. He scratched his chin only to realize that he had his helmet on and it got in the way. Vader sighed.
He turned to the present Exequias and said, "Alright. Search every nook and cranny. And hurry up! I haven't had my morning coffee and I'm getting grouchy." The Exequias saluted and went on their way. Meanwhile Darth Vader happily switched the music back on and went for a walk on ship – there were other rebels to noogie.
Nanao herself was hiding in an alcove in one of the ships sub hallways. She held the pistol closer to her chest as she heard the footsteps coming closer. Finally, one of the Exequias stepped into the alcove, a lucky guess probably as he called to his fellow troops.
"There she is! Set for stun!" Nanao cursed as she darted from her hiding spot deeper into the sub hallway. She shot back, hitting a soldier and downing him. But it was already too late. The other two were upon her as a stunner bolt hit her and her body went limp. One of the Exequias ran up to her inert body and inspected it.
"She'll be alright. Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner." One of the other troopers nodded and radioed in to the Dark Lord.
Out in the void of space, a lone life-pod floated around haplessly. Inside, K-3IGO was running his fingers over his painted-on hair so he'd be visually pleasing for Ne-mu. "So," He began as he scooted closer to the other droid, "Now that we're alone together. How about we get to know each other bet-ugh!"
His head was thrown backwards by an uppercut from one of Ne-mu's arms that extended from her body. She withdrew her arm before closing the compartment which housed it. "Why! I thought you and I had something special!" K-3IGO whined.
Ne-mu merely turned her head and let out something the resembled an electronic sigh.
Back on the ship, one of the guards failed to see the life-pod hurling towards the surface of the planet below called Karakuraine. This made sense since the soldier was none other than Tosen, who despite his high rank, was actually blind. He also failed to see the warning lights on the dashboard warning him of said life-pod, which would later come back to bite him in the ass.
"Even in the vastness of space, nothing escapes justice. Just as the blind goddess of justice delivered her divine judgment open those who did evil, so will I fulfill my duty without seeing myself."
The two Exequias who were stationed nearby continued to listen to Tosen's ramblings; they were used to it by now. And they were also used to the punishment he inflicted on anyone who dared to question him. Yet, they had to say something.
One of the two soldiers spoke up. "Shouldn't we, you know, tell him about the life-pod?"
The other soldiers blanched, which meant that his skull mask got even whiter. "Are you crazy? Do you remember what he did to Lieutenant Grimmjow when he questioned him? He cut his entire arm clean off! I'm still not sure if they managed to reattach it! Besides, the screen shows that there are no life signs, so it's probably just a defect anyway."
And so the two soldiers decided to remain silent. It was definitely better for their health.
In the lifepod
"I'm not feeling too good." K-3IGO groaned as he doubled forward. Ne-mu beeped a query.
"I think I'm getting sea-sick." He replied before Ne-mu told him that it was impossible to feel any type of motion sickness due to him being an inorganic life form… that and if he did somehow manage to puke she was going to make him clean it by eating it and then shocking him with her baton.
"Oh! I suddenly feel better!" K-3IGO brightened as he stretched lazily. Ne-mu gave a tired beep.
Meanwhile, inside the bowels of the Imperial Star Destroyer, a serious interrogation was underway.
"Come back here!" Vader yelled out as he chased Nanao around the corridors, the guitar music now having switched to something more suited for a comedy anime series. (Bleach OST 1: Ditty for Daddy)
"No way you creepy old man! I'm not letting you touch me!" Nanao twirled to the side, effectively evading a tackle from behind by Vader.
"Such reflexes… I'm so proud of you!" Vader proclaimed proudly before he got up and continued chasing Nanao.
'What the hell does he mean by that?' Nanao wondered as she dodged another tackle that sent Vader careening into a wall.
Finally though, after about twenty minutes, Nanao was finally caught. Though it wasn't because Vader managed to outsmart her, Nanao simply ran out of energy to run away any longer. He locked her away for further interrogation before an Exequias arrived before him and gave him a salute.
"Sir, no transmissions were made and the plans weren't aboard the ship. An escape pod was jettisoned, but no life-forms were aboard." The Exequias reported.
Vader scratched his beard through his helmet before saying, "She probably hid them in the life-pod. Send a detachment down there and make sure Tosen doesn't bump into anything while heading down there. Make him wear that fancy headgear so he can see even if he doesn't want to!"
The Exequias nodded and walked away. Vader flipped a switch on his suit and once again the familiar Spanish guitar began playing the background as the Dark Lord moved his fingers to the rhythm of the instrument.
"My legs! I can't feel my legs!" K-3IGO flopped onto the sandy dunes, which were quickly claiming the life-pod they had landed in. Ne-mu simply rolled out of the pod before a series of beeps emanated from her.
"Oh, I'm a robot. Well I guess that's why I can't feel my legs." K-3IGO suddenly jumped to his feet… or the equivalent for a humanoid robot. He then took a good look around and felt as if his wires had been criss-crossed by someone who had been tampering with his electronics.
"We're in a desert?" The droid's voice echoed across the dunes, telling him that not only was he in fact in a desert, but that he was also very much alone.
"No! What are we going to do!" K-3IGO fell to his knees as he brought his hands to his face. Had he any tear ducts, he would've been crying at this very moment.
"I'm going to malfunction out here! My gears haven't been covered properly! Look, I even have holes in my suit!" K-3IGO looked down and noticed the openings in his casing were already beginning to fill up with sand. At this rate, his circuits would surely freeze from the lack of maintenance!
"I don't wanna die!" K-3IGO reached his arms to the sky as he pleaded for whatever god there was up there to come help him. Wait, what about Ne-mu? Surely she would be defenseless without his courage, his help, his steel resolve. He had to be brave… for her.
"Ne-mu! Don't worry I—" He turned to her only to find her nowhere in sight. "Ne-mu?" K-3IGO called out, still not getting a response. His golden head turned every which way, but she was still nowhere to be found. With cold realization, it only meant one thing.
He had been ditched.
Ne-mu wondered if she should've stayed with her annoying compatriot. Sure he fussed, whined, was basically useless, but at least she wasn't alone when she was with him. Not that it meant much since sometimes she wished she could be left alone or at least do something about it and not get in trouble.
A rock tumbled down in front of her, causing her to stop. Cautiously, her sensors tried to pick up any noise or interference. Nothing. Nothing but the dry wind flowing by. The Ne-mu droid waddled unsuspectingly until it was too late. A magnetic ray was fired as it wrapped her in an eerie glow as her electronics began to short-circuit and backfire. Ne-mu managed one short electronic squeak before she toppled on her back, effectively rendered immobile as these little creatures that were covered from head to toe by their robes surrounded her. Their faces could not be seen except for their eyes, which glowed a yellow in the dark recesses of their hoods. The Jawas quickly secured their newly captured droid as they communicated with each other through hisses and odd guttural sounds before hauling her off.
The eight Jawas swayed rhythmically with Ne-mu being carried on top of them, secured with restraining bolts. They were taking her to their ship, which was a black, three-story tall monster of a machine with enormous treads to crawl through the desert. In the front there was a white, ceramic face of a creature with a long, sharp nose. This… was a Menos Crawler.
Ne-mu awake to a dark area; that would've smelled of rust had she had a nose. A tremble made its way through the squat droid as she saw the carnage of the other broken and twisted machinery of the other droids that laid scattered throughout the cold, metal floor. For the first time in her years online, she wished her golden-plated leech was there to try and annoyingly comfort her. This was not where she wanted to be.
Her robotic eyes shifted as she spotted a doorway before she made her way towards it, wondering what lay on the other side.
Ne-mu didn't know whether to feel relieved or agitated. As she entered the a room with a four-foot ceiling, a scrap heap stood in front of her and a few droids were milling about. One of those droids was that gold-plated leech she had wanted to be comforted by earlier and she wondered if she should've just stayed silent. Maybe if she turned around fast enough she would be able to escape his whining tone just for a bit lon—
"Ne-mu?" Too late. Said droid turned around and had she been able move the muscles on her painted face, it would've surely been a forced smile. She answered him with a beep.
It could've been that the dim lighting of the place was wreaking havoc on her visual sensors, but she could've sword that his eyes shined as he lunged towards her. Reflexively, her arm shot out from its compartment and intercepted the glomp in mid-air. A loud thump resounded from her golden compatriot, echoing inside the cramp compartment. She figured it was an 8.7 out of 10. This didn't halt K-3IGO or even veer him away. Instead he simply stated how he missed that wonderful uppercut of hers. A moment passed as Ne-mu felt the motherboard inside of her overheat. She did a quick analysis, but nothing was wrong. Strange, she would have to get that fixed when they reached the nearest maintenance center. Well, first they would have to get off. And judging from all the broken parts from machines lying about, she assumed it would at the very least be difficult to do so.
Desert near life-pod
Four Exequias milled about the life-pod, searching for clues as to who or what could've been inside. One of the troops noticed something shining in the sand and proceeded to pick it up. He twirled it about his finger, knowing immediately what this kind of alloy was used for. Quickly he turned to one of his companions and showed him the metal.
"I think we have droids." The other one nodded as he pointed just behind him.
"Yea, I also think they went in that direction." He said as he pointed to some tracks in the sand.
"Good work." The first one said, "Make sure to report this to Tosen." The soldier nodded and was off to report it, but their commander was nowhere in sight as ironic as that was.
"As if you need eyes to know where those droids were headed." The two troopers spazzed out when their commander appeared right behind them. Tosen pulled away and then headed off in a random direction.
"Do not worry about us! Justice prevails all and it is justice that will lead us to our goal! Follow me, for the eyes in my soul will guide the way with justice shining a light on our path!" Tosen rambled as the two troopers looked at each other. Both of them looked over their shoulder at the remaining soldiers, who shrugged and shook their heads.
No one had the heart or courage to tell Tosen that he was going in the opposite direction.
This is a story brought to you by Romez and Faroush. Make sure to check out his profile because he's the one that did most of the comedy, I simply wrote it out how he envisioned. We hope you enjoy this story.
Faroush: As Romez said, this is a story written by the two of us^^ I hope you guys will have as much fun reading it as we had writing it. Nothing else to say so, enjoy the show!