A Message to New Recruits
of the
Thirteenth and Three-Quarters Division

by
Kurosaki Ichigo, Captain
"Yes, that's really the division's name. Shut up about it or I'll punch you in the face."

The Division's Name
I'm only gonna say this once. Anybody brings it up to my face and I'll hurt them. When Yamamoto first offered to make me a captain, I thought it was a joke, so I treated it as one. All the way through the verbal request, filling out the paperwork and recruiting members, right up until he handed me the coat and shoved me into the barracks. Alcohol may have played a part.

The Chain of Command
I am your captain. My word is law. Do as I say and I will not have to break your face.

Kuchiki Rukia is your lieutenant. Her word is usually about Chappy, or the sexual relationships of the males of her acquaintance. If it's the latter, just smile and nod politely.

Abarai Renji is a lieutenant. His word doesn't mean shit here.

Yamamoto thinks he's the big boss. His word is stupid and should be laughed at. Unless that word is "Run!", because if he thinks you should run, you should probably just go ahead and do that. On the other hand, if that word is "Attack!", you should wait and see what I tell you to do first. Sometimes, he's just nuts and my division is not his cannon fodder.

Central 46 gets wiped out every other month, sometimes by me. Their word is to be ignored.

Grimmjow's a Hollow and still on parole. His word usually consists of insane laughter and challenges to combat.

Ulquiorra is strangely obedient. His word is usually mine, verbatim.

Inoue is kinda kooky. Her word will sometimes make your brain tie itself in knots and then implode.

Chad is Chad. His word is silence and golden.

Ishida is a Quincy. His word is usually scathing insults about Shinigami and denials that he is one.

The Kurosaki Effect™
Apparently, anyone will forgive anyone else for sleeping with me, because everyone wants me, for some reason. I don't really get it myself. I guess everyone thinks power is sexy and this is just a side effect of me being able to kick Yamamoto's ass half-asleep, shit-faced drunk and with both hands tied behind my back. (If I hear that joke about me bitch-slapping Cthulhu and him thanking me for it, I'll make you train with Grimmjow for a week.) Beware the Ukitake Effect™. It is not the same thing and it will get the unwary murdered. Messily.

The Ukitake Effect™
Similar to, but also very different from, the Kurosaki Effect™. Power is sexy. Ukitake could probably wipe the floor with Yamamoto if he didn't start coughing up blood first. Thus, Ukitake is sexy, (and that's really just stating the obvious for anyone with eyes) but if you try to seduce him, Kiyone and Sentaro will murder you. I'm an exception. According to Byakuya, the Kurosaki Effect™ cancels out the Third Seat Corollary™ of the Ukitake Effect™. Instead, they just follow us around with a camera and coo like freaking pigeons.

The Third Seat Corollary™
Touch Ukitake and his third seats will murder you.

A Kurosaki Clusterfuck™
It seems like an absolute law of the universe that anything involving me will, given enough time, escalate uncontrollably into total chaos, with the final situation baring no resemblance at all to the original. Casual tea with friends will inevitably involve Hollows, aliens, kaiju, tentacles, an orgy or three, inter-dimensional wars, princesses, fairy tales brought to life and an epic quest to defeat a tyrant. Everyone agrees, this is no fault of my own. These things just happen whenever I'm around.

The Kurosaki Route-to-Power™
It's not real. While training against opponents stronger than you will help you to grow stronger, challenging captains will only end with you in the hospital and set your training back, as you have to relearn how to feed and dress yourself. Let's get this straight. I did not get god-like strength by fighting captains and Espada. I fought captains and Espada, and won, because I already had god-like strength, and I got my ass kicked plenty of times for challenging people who were way stronger than me. I just got lucky and had a weird-ass origin story. A Shinigami father, a Quincy mother, a Hollow in my soul, the sheer stubborn refusal to give up and possible divine intervention made me what I am today. If you don't possess at least three of the five, don't try it. You'll die and people will laugh.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do
I'm not being a hypocrite. I'm just trying to save you a lot of pain and suffering. I am a transcendental being with the powers of a Shinigami, Hollow and Quincy. (And who knows what else is in there.) You are not. I can get away with just about anything because people are either terrified of me or obsessively in love with me. You cannot. Do not try to imitate me. It will only end badly for you.

Don't Let Hinamori Momo Into the Barracks
If she catches you, she'll sacrifice you to her Aizen shrine just for being associated with me. If she does make it in, whatever you do, don't let her near my quarters. Or Aizen's. As infinitely amusing as it is watching her cuddle him to death, I don't like the mess she leaves behind when we eventually manage to evict her.

Don't Let Ichimaru Gin Into the Barracks, Ever
Just don't do it. No matter how convincing he may seem.

Don't Take Anything Offered to You By Urahara
We are not a division of science experiments, despite what he would have you believe.

Don't Take Anything Offered to You By Wandering Clowns
Honestly, if you need to be told this, I doubt you'll be around long enough to encounter him, what with all the other weird shit that goes on around here.