A Message to New Recruits
Thirteenth and Three-Quarters Division
Kurosaki Ichigo, Captain
"Yes, that's really the division's name. Shut up about it or I'll punch you in the face."
A Few Rules to Live By
-Don't try to take on a Menos without back-up. You will die.
-Don't attempt an invasion of Hueco Mundo. You will die. (And Inoue will be pissed. That's her world now.)
-Don't look Zaraki Kenpachi in the eye. He'll take it as a challenge and you will die.
-Don't pick on the fourth division. They'll refuse to heal you when you really need it and you will die.
-Don't prank the twelfth division unless you're absolutely sure it'll never be traced back to you. If they find out, they'll make you wish you were dead.
-Don't ask Komamura if you can pet him. It'll just embarrass him and things will be awkward for weeks after. (I speak from personal experience.)
-Don't proposition a captain. You'll end up either rejected or injured. (If you proposition Byakuya, I'll be doing the injuring.)
-Don't kiss captains without their permission. Don't kiss my captains or I'll hurt you. And don't kiss me or they'll hurt you. (I've also discovered that I reflexively punch people in the face when they do something that I don't like.)
-Don't try to prank anyone above sixth seat. It will fail and they will retaliate. I don't like prank wars in the barracks.
-Do not try to stage a coup. Unless you have reality warping powers, it will not work. You are a new recruit, and thus, a nobody with zero influence. If you try to incite rebellion, people will just look at you funny. If you do have reality warping powers and try to stage a coup, I'll just kick your ass. As a rule, you should just assume your powers won't work on me. Keep that in mind and we'll be fine.
-Don't try to sleep your way through the Espada. (Keep your hands off my Espada.) Most of them are already taken anyway.
-Don't charge blindly to the rescue of anyone without first asking yourself if the person you're trying to save could, on an average day, beat up a lieutenant. If the answer is yes, I guarantee, if you try it, you'll die. Go get help instead.
-Don't call Yamamoto 'Yama-jii'. He doesn't mind it from Kyoraku because they've known each other for literal ages, and he hasn't told me to stop because, let's face it, it's probably the least offensive thing I've ever called him.
-Don't insult Yumichika's appearance. That guy is nuts. He's in the eleventh division for a reason, people. And whatever you do, don't insinuate that's he's only there to be their whore.
-Do what Unohana tells you. Never question her.
-Just because you're a member of this division does not mean you are anything special. There are two types of people in the thirteenth and three-quarters: the lower-ranked, still mostly normal, Shinigami like you, and the freaks like us. Until you mutate into something other than a standard Shinigami, don't get too uppity.
-There's a reason a barrier is around the entire division. At least three quarters of the most powerful individuals from both Soul Society and Hueco Mundo are gathered together in one location. Such large and unusual sources of reiatsu will begin to transform anyone who has prolonged contact with it. As you will be living with us for the foreseeable future, don't be surprised if you start hearing voices or sprout bone from your appendages. It's not a question of will you mutate. It's just a question of when.