"Well kids, there's one story that I've never told anyone about before; not even your mother. Its set after your Uncle Barney jumped in to the Hudson River to keep his promise to Aunt Robin…"
…I was just about to give up—I had looked every where I could think of for Barney after he had run away from Anita, and had called his phone several times as well, but got no reply—so I was heading back to MacLaren's when I spotted him.
"Hey Barney!" I shouted running after him. "I've been looking all over for you man, where have you bee—erg!" As I caught up with him, I had placed my hand upon his shoulder to turn him around, but it was soaking wet.
"What happened?" I gasped, whipping my wet hand on my jeans.
"Teeeed!" Barney exclaimed, grinning at me and throwing a soggy arm over my shoulder.
"Are you drunk?" I asked, trying to shove his arm off of me.
"Teddy-Ted, Ted, Ted, the Barnacle does not get drunk," he replied, his speech slurred, and a bottle of scotch dangling from his right hand to say the otherwise.
"Hmm, sure…" I murmured sceptically. "But why you all wet?" I demanded, as I looked at the totally bedraggled and dishevelled man in front of me.
"I had to take a cold shower," he mumbled, shrugging slightly in response.
I frowned at him, "Fully dressed?" I questioned, eyeing his sodden suit. "And where—in a sewer? You smell awful." I added. It wasn't nice, but it was true. I had never seen Barney like this before—in all the time I had known him, I had never seen him run from a smoking hot woman before, especially one who had been practically begging for sex. Something was wrong, and it worried me.
"Of course I havn't been in a sewer," he scoffed, offended, "I jumped in the Hudson."
I gawped at him in disbelief. "You can't be serious!" I choked out.
"I promised Robin," he hastily interjected, swaying slightly where he stood, "I promised her I wouldn't sleep with what's-her-face, you know, because of what a total jerk I was." He explained in a solemn tone.
"And jumping in the river was your only solution?" I exclaimed in exasperation.
"You have no idea what that woman wanted to do to me," he whispered, leaning into me.
I shook my head slightly. I wasn't angry with Barney really—sure jumping in the Hudson was a really stupid thing to do, but I was more upset with him than I was angry. Since Barney's bus accident, the idea of something happening to him terrified me.
"Oh Barney, what were you thinking?" I asked, trying—and failing—to keep the hurt out of my voice, but Barney was probably to drunk to notice any way. "You could have drowned."
"I didn't think Ted," he mumbled, "I just ran for it."
Had Barney felt so bad for what he had done to Robin that he thought jumping into the Hudson was his only way out? I wondered
"Now I've ruined my poor suit, I've got a $500 fine, and Robin's on my super-date with Don." He dragged out the name in distaste.
"You…sent them on your date?" I said in surprise. Barney just nodded in response.
Poor Barney, I thought. He had been so eager to get back in the game that he hadn't stopped to give himself chance to get over the break up, and now Robin was finally moving on and it was only just catching up with him.
"Come on buddy," I said compassionately, winding an arm around his waist, ignoring the wetness that soaked through my clothes. "I'm going to take you home, we're going to get you out of that disgusting suit, and I'm going to help you get over Robin." I told him softly, but Barney started to pull away from me.
"Dude, I may be drunk, but I ain't that drunk," he hiccupped.
I rolled my eyes at him. "I didn't think the Barnacle got drunk," I bated with a sly smile.
Barney hesitated for a moment as he tried to think of a come back, but in the end just stuck his tongue out childishly.
I smiled fondly at my friend; he was such a dufus sometimes.
"Come on," I sighed, and haled for a cab.
"Hey Ted?" Barney whispered behind me.
"Yeah Barn?" I said turning towards him, but suddenly Barney had his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me towards him, tilting my head back as he bought his mouth down upon mine.
I was so shocked by the feel of Barney's warm, wet tongue exploring my mouth that it took me a while to push him away.
I shoved hard against his chest until he finally let go.
"Barney!" I yelped, whipping my mouth on the back of my sleeve. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I asked, staring at him in disbelief.
Barney just stared back at me with his mouth hanging open and a glazed look upon his face. I don't think he could quite believe what he had just done.
"Dude, just because you're drunk and upset doesn't mean you can just go around kissing people," I spluttered, when I found my voice again. "Especially Bros!" I added.
Just then a cab pulled up next to us, and turning away from Barney I wrenched open the door.
"Ted?" Barney said in small voice.
"What, Barney? What?" I snapped, not really ready to look at him yet.
Barney hesitated for a second. "I'm sorry Ted," he whispered in apology, a sad look upon his face.
I sighed; it was hard to be angry with Barney right now, especially as seen as he needed me so much at the moment. "It's ok Barney." I conceded. "Just get in the cab before you do something else that you will regret in the morning." I warned him.
He nodded solemnly and bent to get into the open door of the cab.
"Barney," I suddenly called.
"Yeah?" he asked looking around.
"Give me that damn Scotch," I demanded, snatching it from his hands before he had chance to move, and taking a large swig from it, trying to cleanse my mouth from the taste of Barney's hot tongue, but it had been so laced with scotch anyway that it made little difference.
Sighing, I got in the cab after Barney and gave the driver the address.
Barney was quiet for the whole cab ride back to his apartment, his head leaning against the window, and I thought that maybe he had fallen asleep, but when we pulled up, he robotically climbed out, and staggered to his front door.
I sighed, hastily paying the driver, and scrambled out after him.
It took a while for Barney to find his keys, but finally we managed to get in.
He sloped into the living room and headed for the sofa.
"Wait, wait, wait!" I shouted before he could sit down. He looked at me; eyes round with surprise and confusion.
"Sober Barney would kill me if I let you sit on the sofa with that wet suit on," I told him.
Barney looked down at his ruined suit. It was all crumpled, and soggy, with dirty water stains on it.
I moved towards him. "Come on," I said, reaching to start unbuttoning his suit for him. "You carry on getting yourself out of these wet things, and I'll go and find you a towel or something." I told him.
He nodded, and quietly continued to get undressed.
I turned and headed to the bathroom.
"Ted?" Barney said again.
"Yeah Barney?" I asked, turning back to him.
"Thank you," was all he said.
I wasn't sure what Barney was thanking me for, but I smiled and replied, "You're welcome Buddy," anyway.
When I got back with a towel, Barney was curled up on the sofa—suit still on—fast asleep.
I sighed. Well, I tried, I told myself.
Without waking him, I managed to ease off his shoes, and wrap the towel around him like a blanket.
Exhausted, I flopped down onto the other end of the sofa, and rested my head back against the cushion. I would deal with whatever might happen in the morning when it came, but right then I was just glad to be sitting by my friend's side in his time of need.
In the morning, Barney didn't remember a thing about the night before, except jumping in the river. So that's why I never told anyone about it. Not because I was embarrassed or disgusted with what happened—it wasn't really that bad at all to be honest—but because I wanted to protect Barney in his time of weakness.
…I might have been able to protect your Uncle Barney from himself, but I was unable to from your Aunt Robin, who, unfortunately for Barney, had had a great time on the super-date…
"I said a bang, bang, a bang-a-dy bang, bang, I said a bang, bang bang-a-dy bang…"
"Err, Dad? Why did you need to tell us that?"
"I don't know kids; I just felt like it."
Lol, yeah that was just for fun. Hope you liked it anyway. xx