Reuploaded: 9/25/2010 due to errors
AN: Premise: Harry's spirit/ghost somehow combines with the Enterprise, but doesn't become fully conscious of his nifty new body (i.e. a space ship, lulz) until sometime during or after the confrontation with Nero.
IMPORATANT AUTHOR NOTE: Ok. I'm cheating. I've been kind of down lately, and I couldn't decide how to write an intro scene. Pathetic, I know.
The setting is this: The Enterprise comes across a planet rich in materials the Federation needs so they scan it and sensors pick up large "null areas." Curious, an away team heads down and comes across wizards and witches, a political meeting is set up and viola, their diplomatic meeting comes to an end and they get invited to a Ceremony. Now, how did the witches/wizards get there? After the war, which did not follow canon in the 6th or 7th book, Harry for some reason or other heads through the Veil. His fanclub follows him. Harry ends up somewhere different and the others land on a planet and create their own wizarding community. Let's just say Hero Worship goes to another level with them and history tends to skew things.
(Posted: 9-23-2010; Reuploaded: 9/25/2010 due to errors)
Prompt: Remnants of the Past
"I must say, Captain Kirk, your people came at a most auspicious time," the short, rose-cheeked man declared, bubbling with excitement in his ornate high backed chair. "In fact, there could have been no better time for explorers to venture upon our society."
"Really," Jim replied enigmatically, keeping a wary eye on the man's wildly gesturing hands. "And why is that, Minister Creevy?"
"Tomorrow is our Day of Remembrance! A time when all our people gather to celebrate our history! The Great Battle! Our heroes! Our legends!" The minister's voice reached higher and higher pitches with each declaration, and the away team watched as the short man practically vibrated off his seat.
"We'd love to attend," Uhura replied sweetly, throwing a threatening look at the Captain when he tried to protest. You owe me, her eyes said. The grudge she held for the month of interrupted sex was still quite apparent in her glare.
"Er, yes, of course," Jim laughed weakly. "Count us in."
"Lighten up, Bones," Jim cajoled his friend, seated in a row of high bleachers around a great stadium.
McCoy frowned mutinously and snarled. "Do you see what I'm wearing? Do you?"
"Well, yes, but-"
"I did not venture through the pressure can of vacuum space so that I can come to some backwards little planet of bush-whacking crackpots—"
"Hey, not that's not very nice—"
"—who insist on forcing me to wear a dress!"
Jim looked helplessly at his chief medical officer and then to his first officer, eyes communicating a silent plea.
And Spock—being the Captain's right hand man and self assured that he had gained much insight into the human mind—nodded and turned to the doctor.
"You may rest assured that you are not alone, Doctor McCoy," Spock stated solemnly, indicating Jim, Uhura, Sulu and himself. "We are all wearing dresses."
Jim smacked his face and groaned, while Sulu picked at his own garment uncomfortably.
McCoy's snarl twisted even further, a thunderous expression clouding his face.
"Oh, get over it!" Uhura said. "We are not wearing dresses. We're wearing robes. So you can rest assured that your manly pride is undamaged." She sniffed and delicately crossed her legs.
McCoy frowned and grumbled under his breath.
"Shhh! The ceremony's starting!" Uhura hissed.
Standing upon a circular stage in the center of the stadium pit, Minister Creevy bowed ceremoniously to the citizens and then made a small gesture towards his throat with the stick in his hand.
"My Good People! You Remember, Our-Most-Hallowed-Journey onto this Fertile World!" Minster Creevy declared. "You Remember, Lost and Disillusioned, we followed our Lord through the Great Veil!"
"Yes!" The crowd shouted.
"And You Remember! That we have been Blessed! That we have been Enlightened! Taken to a Haven safe from the Degenerating state of the Old World and their False-Teachings-of-Purity!"
"Then You Remember that we must Always Remember Our Most Illustrious Lords' and Ladies' gifts onto us!"
"Yes!" The crowd roared, shaking the stadium bleachers.
"Then we shall Commence!"
Jim's brows furrowed. "I think I heard hyphens. And caps." He turned questioningly to his communications officer.
Uhura bit her lip. "It seems there's some cultural significance to the use of them in their history. Though it is a bit excessive…"
"The Lady with a Spirit of Fire! The Courage of the Lion! Queen Ginny of Bat Bogeys!"
"Bat Bogeys? What the hell are Bat Bogeys? Is it Bat shit?" McCoy seemed offended by his own suggestion. He was a medical doctor, not an anthropologist—why did he have to be there and be befuddled by weird cultural titles? The dress was bad enough.
"Don't look at me," Jim replied.
"The Lady of Razor Wit and Champion of all Magical Creatures! Lady Hermy-own-ninny of SPEW!"
"Hermy-own-ninny? SPEW? Jeeze. Poor girl. Her childhood must have been horrible!" McCoy exclaimed, tone becoming more and more acerbic. "Can you imagine? 'Hermy-own-ninny of the land of SPEW? They probably called her the 'Ninny from the land of puke.'"
Jim choked on his own snort of laughter as Uhura glared at both captain and chief medical officer.
"McCoy!" The communications officer hissed. "Have some respect!
"The Lover of Chuddley Cannons! King Ickle Ronniekins of Won-Won!"
Everyone except Spock and Uhura grimaced in tandem.
Jim shuddered. "Oh my god. His mother hated him. Ronniekins. There's no way he got respect from anyone with a name like that. And Wo-ugh. I can't even say it."
Jim and Sulu shared a commiserating look.
"And Thy Illustrious Lord that led us from Darkness!"
"Oh, this one actually sounds respectable," McCoy commented, looking less angry and just a tad interested.
"He-Who-Slayed those most Foul and Retched!"
"Sounds like a pretty powerful guy," Sulu remarked, leaning forward in his seat.
"Lord-of-Lions and Master of Harems!"
"Ohhh, now that's what I'm talking about," Jim exclaimed, rubbing his hands together appreciatively.
"He-Who-Banned-Greasy-Hair and Neutered-Randy-Ferrets!"
Sulu froze and slowly drew back in his seat. "…is it just me or did it just take a weird turn?"
"No…it's not just you," Jim replied slowly, a squint between his eyes as if he was questioning his own answer.
"The-Man-Who-Conquered! Harry Potter!"
"What? Wait. What? Seriously? Harry Potter? Our Harry Potter?" Jim appeared utterly confounded. He was starting to understand Bones' earlier consternation.
"Potter of the Great White Saucer and Winner of Miss Federation Spaceship?" Sulu asked doubtfully.
"Harry Potter, God of Fresh Pickled Toad!" The Minister announced thunderously, his hands high in the air, face jubilant with the deafening roar of the crowds.
"For a moment, I actually thought…"
"Uh huh, as if," Jim scoffed.
"Wait. It's real?" Jim's face was getting tired of assuming the assorted expression of confusion and disbelief.
"Well, the names have been a little…altered, but the story is basically right."
"So there really was a Ginny, Ickle Ronniekins, and Hermy-own-ninny?" The Captain's voice climbed in incredulity with each name.
"Yeah," Harry replied with a chuckle.
"What the hell are Bat Bogeys?" McCoy demanded.
"It was a spell, a hex more specifically. Ginerva Weasley, my onetime girlfriend made it. It made your boogers explode from your nose, take the shape of bats and chase you around."
"…homing bat-shaped booger missiles?" Sulu asked with a queer expression, half disgusted and half admiring.
"Yeah," was the sheepish answer.
"That girl was cruel, man," Jim commented, shaking his head.
"What about Ickle Ronniekins of Won-Won," Uhura asked.
Jim grimaced, as if there was a bad taste in his mouth. "I can't believe you can even say that with a straight face."
"It's because I'm more mature than you'll ever be, Kirk," Uhura replied with a roll of her eyes.
The Captain responded by making a face at her.
The communications officer huffed, tucked nonexistent hair behind her ear while looking down demurely. When Jim frowned at the lack of a comeback and slouched, Uhura quickly took the opening and flung her stylus at him.
Harry watched as the Captain yelped and cradled his forehead. The spirit was slightly unnerved by the fact that none of the other crew members present seemed to be bothered by the devolving situation between captain and communications officer. Quickly, he spoke in order to forestall further chaos. "Uhm, both were unwanted nicknames of my best mate, Ronald Weasley. Ickle Ronniekins was something his twin brothers called him, and the Won-Won was from a girlfriend."
"Wow, your friend must have pissed off his girl, badly," Sulu commented.
"Actually, she really liked him."
"Dude…girls of your time were weird," Jim said.
"What about Hermy-own-ninny," McCoy questioned, his southern drawl mangling the name just a bit more.
"Merlin, Hermione would be pulling her hair right now," Harry groaned.
"Hermione. Greek for the earthly messenger. The female counterpart for the God Hermes," Spock commented.
McCoy frowned. "How did that become 'ninny?'"
"A Bulgarian admirer that couldn't pronounce her name."
"Ah, I see."
"And SPEW? How'd she get associated with vomit?" Sulu asked warily, unsure whether he really wanted to know.
"That's a long story. SPEW is actually an acronym. It stood for 'Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare."
"And what exactly did SPEW do?" Spock queried.
"Uhm, well, she basically knitted clothes to give to the elves."
"It was a knitting club?" Jim asked, frowning.
"Er, no, you see, elves needed clothes, I mean they had clothes, of course, they weren't running around naked, well actually, they nearly were, but—anyways, if they were given clothes, proper ones that is, by their master, they would be freed."
"Oh, that sounds quite noble. Did it work?" Uhura seemed pleasantly surprised and curious.
"...not quite," Harry answered sheepishly.
"So she just knitted a lot then." Jim said flatly.
"Don't be so insensitive, Kirk," Uhura chastised.
The Captain replied, hands held up in surrender. "Sorry, sorry."
"No, you're right," Harry said. "The elves really hated it. SPEW flopped but she did some really good work for equal rights once she got into government."
"Ohh, you rubbed elbows with politicians, Harry? No wonder they're all Lords and Ladies and you became a God."
"Which begs the questions. Why Fresh Pickled Toads?" Spock asked, head tilted in honest and intense curiosity.
AN: So. Yeah. Sorry it's not very good. It's short. I feel it's less funny. And the writing quality is poor. But I feel bad not updating even though people are story alerting it. I've been bogged down with school and work and am losing inspiration. So, encouragement please?
Also, if you think there are ways I can improve this, do tell. I'm willing to go back and edit. Sigh.
BTW, on the off-chance you didn't get where the last title for Harry Potter came from:
The Singing Valentine:
His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.
AUTHOR NOTE: And because I love you guys, I thought I'd throw in the scenes that I thought about using as an intro but discarded. They're in no particular order. In fact, they're not related at all. They're completely different scenarios that I could have used.
Discarded Idea #1
McCoy glared at everyone and everything as he grudgingly trudged alongside the away party through a dark, menacing looking forest. "Jim, this is the last time I let you drag me down to some godforsaken backwards planet when there's no medical emergency!" The doctor snarled as he jerked his shirt sleeve free from a spindly branch of a looming tree.
"Aw, c'mon, Bones. Don't be like that," Jim cajoled as he glanced back at his chief medical officer from the front of the group. He, unlike the doctor, seemed to enjoy the rather arduous hike. "The natives were so thrilled to meet the Enterprise's 'healer,' with his 'adorable beeping toy.'"
"It's a tricorder, dammit! And I'm more of a doctor than those bush-whacking crack pots!" McCoy exclaimed furiously, cheeks glowing a hot red.
"I believe they are what early Earth anthropologists in the 21st century called 'witch doctors,'" Spock commented as he maneuvered around a large system of tree roots.
"Not quite," Uhura rebutted from the back where she was accompanied by Sulu, who was trailing ever so slightly behind whenever a strange plant caught his attention.
Spock continued walking but glanced back at the communications officer, one brow lifted in question.
"Apparently, they consider everyone in their society a wizard, if male, and a witch, if female, so they specify the medical profession as being a 'mediwizard' or 'mediwitch,'" Uhura elaborated, skirting around an monstrously large and suspiciously beautiful looking flower amidst the general gloom of the forest.
Jim snickered. "I guess for once we won't be the ones in danger of being burned at the stake."
"Yes, well, if you stopped violating the prime directive every time you're on a first contact mission, maybe the natives would stop trying to burn the 'golden-haired sorcerer demon and his minions,'" the communications officer replied acidly.
"Aw, Uhura, you wound me," Jim drawled. "You know you like being my min-"
A strange slurp and strangled gurgling sound interrupted the brewing spat and caused everyone to whirl around.
"Sulu!" The captain shouted, darting back the way he came.
All that remained visible of Sulu were his legs, kicking frantically as his entire torso had been engulfed by the enormous plant Uhura had passed by earlier.
"Oh my god!" the communications officer gasped.
"Sulu!" McCoy shouted. "Don't just stand there, woman! Grab his legs!"
"What does it look like I'm doing!"
"Bones, don't let go of him!"
"Do I look stupid? This is all your fault!"
"Captain. Doctor. May I point out that your energy is better suited to rescuing Lt. Sulu?"
"Shit! Sulu's pants are coming off! Bones, grab both his legs! Uhura, get a stick or a rock-whatever-and beat that thing back! Spock, keep a hold of his waist and I'll try to pry the thing back!"
"Ew! Ew, it has a tongue! A tongue!"
"Uhura, don't panic! It's not after you, it's busy slurping Sulu!"
"Goddammit Jim! I told you this was a bad idea!"
"This is just a road bump! We'll get Sulu out of-"
"Road bump? Do you see this? Do you? This is not a road bump! This is a mutant-tongued man-eating flower! I did not come here to be eaten by a flower!"
"Less talking, more pulling!"
"Fascinating. I believe the glossal is, in fact, this specimen's stamen. It is secreting a mucous fluid as it wraps around Lt. Sulu, making it hard for us to grasp a hold of him while making it easier for the specimen to ingest-"
"Shut up, you green hobgoblin! I do not need to know that Sulu is being tongue fucked to death!"
"Oh, Bones. So kinky. I knew being on the away team would agree with you."
"Watch out! It has another tongue!" Uhura shrieked, whacking the plant with even more gusto.
"Shit!" McCoy backpedaled, letting go of Sulu's legs when the tongue snaked and constricted around his arms.
With the sudden lack of resistance, the plant greedily sucked in the pilot even further, leaving only his feet exposed.
"Goddamn you, Jim!"
"There now, right as rain!" The large man said, patting both Sulu and McCoy on the back with such exuberant force that they stumbled. Finkle laughed heartily and ushered them forward.
"You gents are alright. Noretta hasn't been that happy in a long while," the self-proclaimed caretaker of the forest said while cooing in the direction of the whining, man eating plant.
"Noretta?" McCoy barked. "I was almost eaten by something called, 'Noretta'?"
Discarded Idea #2
"No." Jim sat back with his arms crossed and refused to look at the heinous object held up before him by Uhura.
She sighed. "Captain—Jim. I know the design isn't all that appealing, but it's a requirement. The natives of this planet really put a lot of importance in appearance for this ceremony."
Jim's expression became even more displeased.
"What about Spock? He gets to wear black. Why does he get to be all, 'look at me, badass creature of night,' and I have to be—" Jim sneered, "'make way for public hazard, rainbow reject'?"
AN: Comments, please?