Disclaimer: I don't own Into the Woods, or I'm on a Boat. Unfortunately.

I'M IN THE WOODS! (Parody of "I'M ON A BOAT!")

(We see The Narrator sitting in a Library, reading. He picks up a book entitled Into the Woods. Opening it, he finds the pages to be blank, except for the first one. It reads the following:)

Narrator: (Reading) A courageous band ventures into the woods to achieve their deepest, most desperate wishes. (Closing the book) That sounds like an interesting story! Now what sort of characters should I send on this quest?

(He puts down the book, pauses, and thinks, scratching his head.)

Narrator: A fair maiden who wishes more than anything to go to the King's festival… A sad young lad who wants his cow to give him some milk… A childless Baker… And his Wife, who are desperate to have a family of their own… A Witch who is willing to lift the curse keeping them childless, for a price… A Little Girl on her way to Granny's who strays from the path… A lustful Prince… A delirious, deleterious, and definitely mysterious Man… aaaand…

(He thinks a bit more and then it comes to him.)

Narrator: A girl in a tower!

(Music starts as we cut to the Woods. We see a tall tower standing in a clearing. Rapunzel appears in the window of the tower.)

Rapunzel: Shawty.

(The Narrator walks down the path, stopping next to Rapunzel's tower where he tells the story.)

Narrator: Awww, Shit! Rapunzel: (Aaahs to the "I'm on a Boat" background.)

Narrator: Get your hair ready, it's about to go down!

(Rapunzel lets down her hair.)

Narrator: Everybody in the place hit the f**king path! Rapunzel: Shawty.

(The Witch stalks out menacingly from behind Rapunzel's tower and zaps the narrator in the crotch.)

Witch: But don't lose the motherf**king beans! Rapunzel: (Aaahs to I'm on a Boat" background)

(The Narrator gets up, pained, and beckons into the distance.)

Narrator: We running this. Let's go!

(Cut to a path in the woods, which our main protagonists enter down on their personal missions.)

Baker: I'm in the woods! Rapunzel: I'm in the woods.

Cinderella: I'm in the woods! Rapunzel: I'm in the woods.

Little Red: Everybody look at me as I skip into the woods!

Rapunzel: Skip into the woods.

Jack: I'm in the woods! Rapunzel: I'm in the woods.

Baker's Wife: I'm in the woods!

All: Take a good, hard look at the motherf**king woods! Rapunzel: Aaah.

(Cut to Cinderella kneeling beneath her Mother's tree, singing to her spirit.)

Cinderella: I'm in the woods, Mother Spirit, take a look at me!

Cinderella: Send me silver and gold. Got a wish, you see. Rapunzel: Aaah-aaah-aaah.

Cinderella: Working so hard for them, now I get the goods!

You can't stop me, you stepsisters, cause I'm in the woods!

(A ball gown falls from the tree, which Cinderella catches and runs off with. Meanwhile, the Baker wanders through the woods, Little Red's cape around his neck and leading Milky-White.)

Baker: I'm gonna break this trick! Rapunzel: Trick.

Baker: I'm in the woods, Witch. Rapunzel: Witch.

Baker: I made my wife stay at home, cause I'm not rich! Rapunzel: Rich.

Baker: I got my white cow.

And my cape so bloody.

I'm breaking curses, she's baking bread-

(The Baker's Wife suddenly comes out from behind a tree.)

Baker's Wife: That's what YOU think, Buddy!

(A beanstalk rises, being climbed by Jack.)

Jack: I'm climbing up a beanstalk! Jumping leaves and s**t!

Been here for hours.

Jack: Why haven't I reached the top yet? Rapunzel: Aaah-aaah-aaah.

But I ain't dreaming! This as real as it gets! Rapunzel: Aaah-aaah.

Jack: I'm in the woods, New Cow-Owners, don't you ever forget!

(Cut to Little Red Riding Hood skipping down the path, wearing a cape as red as blood and carrying a basket, from which she is eating various baked goods.)

Little Red: I'm in the woods, and-

It's full of wolves, and-

I got a bloody old cape made by Dear Old Gran!

Carrying Granny's lunch with me in a basket!

If a wolf crosses me, he'll be in a casket!

(Grinning maniacally, she pulls a knife and stalks off through the woods. We then cut to the entire cast, except for the Mysterious Man in a clearing at The Last Midnight. A loud crashing noise is heard: the Giant's footsteps! Everyone stumbles around, bumping into each other and they fall to the ground as the Mysterious Man rushes in.)


(Cut to Cinderella walking off with the Prince through the woods to become his bride.)

Cinderella: F**k them, I got a prince, motherf**ker! Rapunzel: Motherf**ker.

(Jack continues to climb his beanstalk to the land of the giants.)

Jack: F**k trees, I climb beanstalks, motherf**ker! Rapunzel: Motherf**ker.

(Cut to the Baker and his wife in the woods, as in It Takes Two, the Baker with the cow and cape and his Wife wearing Rapunzel's hair like a scarf. The Baker is gesturing at his wife.)

Baker: I'm in the woods with my wife, motherf**ker! Rapunzel: Aaaah.

(The Witch enters, zapping them both in the crotch.)

Witch: His father ruined my life, motherf**ker!

(Cut to Little Red, modeling her new cape made from the skins of the dead wolf.)

Little Red: Grandma, if you could see me now! Rapunzel: See me now.

Little Red: Killing these wolves-

(Cut to Jack milking his cow.)

Jack: As I milk my cow! Rapunzel: Milks his cow.

(The Baker holds his Wife in the darkening Woods as the two stare off into the distance, getting ready to take their journey.)

Baker/Baker's Wife: Gonna break this curse and get a child somehow.

Rapunzel: Child somehow.

(Cut back to the Narrator, who is now sitting in his library reading the finished result of Into the Woods.)

Narrator: Like Stephen Sondhiem-


(Cut back into the woods, where the entire cast is basically wandering around the woods, each in their own little world, focused on their own little mission. They are all relatively close to each other, but don't notice each other. Obviously, Rapunzel is in her tower.)

All: Yeah.

Never thought I'd be in the woods.

It's a big, dark fairytale road.

(Cut to the Narrator standing at the edge of the woods next to Cinderella's mother's tree as the entire cast-with the exception of Witch and Rapunzel- genuflect, begging him to look at them.)

All (except Narrator, Witch, and Rapunzel): Narrator, look at me!

(Cut to the Witch next to Rapunzel's tower, in a trance due to her "beautiful music.")

Rapunzel: Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah. Witch: ONE MIDNIGHT GONE!

(The Witch transforms. Cut back to the full cast in the woods, everyone wandering around oblivious to each other.)

All: Never thought I'd see the day.

When the woods be coming my way.

Believe me when I say-

(All of a sudden, Cinderella's Prince runs into the middle of the crowd, interrupting the song.)

Cinderella's Prince: I F**KED THE BAKER'S WIFE!

(Awkward silence. Everyone stares awkwardly at the Prince, who begins to slowly back away, but not before Cinderella walks up to him and slaps him. Meanwhile, the Baker glares at his Wife, who just blushes and looks away from him. )

Rapunzel: …. (shrugs) Shawty!

(Music starts up again. General dancing from the cast, as in Ever After or the Finale. At one point, the Steward whacks Jack's Mother in the head with his staff.)

Baker: I'm in the woods! Rapunzel: (Aaahs to "I'm on a Boat" background.)

Cinderella: I'm in the woods!

Little Red: Everybody look at me as I skip into the woods!

Jack: I'm in the woods!

Baker's Wife: I'm in the woods!

All: Take a good, hard look at the motherf**king woods!

Rapunzel: Shawty.


(As in Into the Woods) Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah!


Reviews are welcome! Flames will be used to make magic baked beans (See Into the Woods II: The Mirror and Rose.)