259Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach
"Kill who, Ichigo?" Rukia asked as she looked at Ichigo vibrating with rage like a plucked guitar string.
"Whoever's in charge of the Seretei Communications!" He shouted at her.
"The Ninth Division, then. Umm, why, I ask foolishly?" Rukia asked, suspecting that the crumpled magazine in Ichigo's hand had something to do with his sudden desire to commit mass murder.
As Ichigo remembered the blasphemous article he reached a point in his rage where he could no longer talk. He threw the magazine to Rukia who deftly caught it and despite not knowing what she was looking for, quickly found the offending article. It was a bit difficult to miss the article in bold red ink that read:
FAN FICTION LABELS ICHIGO KUROSAKI AS HARDCORE HOMOSEXUAL SLUT
Ichigo looked at Rukia as she read the article and he tried to judge from her expression whether she too was feeling the indignant rage at such a blatant disrespect to him and to journalism. Her eyebrows shot in the air as her large eyes expanded to take up three-quarters of her face and her lips trembled in what he undoubtedly saw as the barely contained white hot rage of a thousand burning suns.
So he was completely shocked when she burst out laughing. And not just any laughter, but she rolled around on the bed, kicking up her feet and pounded the bed until she got a stitch in her side and had to do Lamaze breathing to get it to go away.
Ichigo sweatdropped.
"I thought we were supposed to have each other's backs, Rukia." He ground out.
"I thought so too, but according to this article you have the backs of Renji, Nii-sama and Ulquiorra!" Rukia burst out laughing again. "Ow, ow, ow." She winced as she gripped her sides and did a sort of wheeze-laugh that Ichigo couldn't help but notice made her sound like Ernie from Sesame Street, not that she'd get the reference.
"This is fucking bullshit!" He bellowed and kicked the desk chair where it crashed into the closet and shattered quickly becoming kindling for a fire.
"The hell's up with all this racket?" Kon's massive one foot frame demanded as he jumped down from the closet.
"What were you doing in my room?" Rukia heatedly asked with her eyebrows furrowed, but the fact that she asked it sounding like she was having a heart attack lessened the threatening tone.
"Nii-san." Kon squealed and ran towards her but was interrupted with a kick from Ichigo that sent him sprawling in an undignified heap at the bottom of the door.
"First of all," Ichigo turned to Rukia, "That is not your room."
She gave him a raised eyebrow.
"Secondly," He continued, ignoring the international signal for are-you-for-bloody-real that he got from Rukia's eyebrow. "You showed more rage that Kon was in my closet than at that bloody article!" He boomed at her.
Rukia opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by Kon (a mod-soul with quite surprising recuperative properties, she idly thought.)
"Wow. I haven't seen Ichigo this upset since I ruined his reputation by going around town and looking at girls."
A twitch broke out in Ichigo's right eye. Rukia's lips trembled some more. To her credit she really tried to keep in it and she got as far as two seconds before she burst out laughing again.
Ichigo rounded on Kon.
"Why'd you have to say it like that? I'M NOT GAY." And he kicked Kon again, but this time Kon probably was kicked all the way back to 1982.
Rukia cackled some more. Ichigo took in a deep breath in an effort to calm himself as he realized that in that tone of voice he wouldn't believe him either.
He sat down on the bed holding his head in his hands The petite, wheezing Shinigami who was wiping tears away from her eyes realized that this was seriously bothering him.
"Ichigo," Rukia called out to him in a tone so strong he knew that he had to listen. He looked up at her wearily. "What kind of man are you? If you know that it's not true and I know that it's not true, then what should it matter? Or do you have such thin skin that something like this will have you in tears. What are you in kindergarten? Stop being so silly! This should be like water off of a duck's back. I am so disappointed. This is not the man that I know. I am so disgusted!" Rukia finished her speech to give him her most scathing Kuchiki glare that would have made even Byakuya shiver (on the inside at least) and she stood up to make an exit through the window.
However, a hand grabbed her at her wrist. Rukia looked down to see Ichigo wearing his customary scowl and a light smirk.
"Midget, just sit down and shut up."
Rukia smirked. He was back to normal. She sat back down on the bed. Everything was back to normal.
Suddenly, Kon snatched the magazine that was still clutched in Rukia's hands. She jumped away from him like he was a skittish zoo animal having completely forgotten that he was there.
"What article has stupid Ichigo making my precious nii-san upset?" Kon asked as he rummaged through the pages. Ichigo rolled his eyes. As usual somehow Kon managed to turn every crisis into a Rukiafest.
"Oh this must be it." Kon began to read the article out loud.
Seme or Uke? Recent Poll has Ichigo Kurosaki leading with 78% saying that he's an uke.
Following on the heels of the extensive report into Living World internet site called Fanfiction .net (see article on page 3,) The Seretei Communications took to the streets to find out what are the thoughts on the topic on everyone's mind: Does Ichigo top or bottom? Here is a sample of the people we interviewed. We first questioned his father, a man whom has always been able to see eye to eye with his son.
Isshin Kurosaki: Definitely bottom.
Seretei Communications: And why do you say that, sir?
Isshin Kurosaki: I think it's a mother issue. You see, my dear wife, Masaki left this world too soon and since then Ichigo has blamed himself for her death. Thus, he will constantly put himself in a position (pardon the pun) where he feels it will be easier for him to take (again, pardon the pun) the troubles off of his dear family. It's all psychological and it of course affects the physical.
The Seretei Communications next interviewed Orihime Inoue, but she thought the question was rhetorical, as are all questions directed at the busty blonde end up being.
Orihime Inoue: No wait. He's definitely a seme.
Seretei Communications: What are your reasons for that belief, Miss?
Orihime Inoue: Well Ichigo's a really aggressive and scary guy and studies have shown that that archetype is more likely to be a seme. As a matter of fact I have read studies where they say that in homosexual relationships the aggressive, scowling person is 96% more likely to be a seme.
The Seretei Communications would like to believe Inoue's statements to be true, but because such statements are coming from the ditsy blonde, that fact can range anywhere from 96% to rabbits.
The Seretei Communications therefore, looked upon a more reliable and trustworthy source.
Sosuke Aizen: Definitely uke.
Seretei Communications: Any reasons for stating as such, sir?
Sosuke Aizen: Well, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't it Kuchiki Rukia that pushed the sword in him?
Ichigo slowly turned his head to face Rukia who at that moment began to whistle and suddenly found the ceiling most interesting.
"Open a senkai gate, Rukia. I'm gonna fucking kill them!"