It's 3:30 a.m. I haven't been on here in forever. Life… life punched me in the face and slammed me to the ground, I guess. I'm sorry, guys. I really really am. Writer's block plus the way life's been fucking me up the ass lately… not good. But! I promise I'll start updating my fics in the next two weeks. But! Have this little angsty one-shot while you wait. Note, if it sucks I wrote it all in one go late late late at night. Thanks for being patient with me.
Stuck between the do or die, I feel emaciated.
Hard to breathe I try and try, I'll get asphyxiated.
Swinging from the tallest height, with nothing left to hold on to.
Every sky is blue, but not for me and you.
Come home, come home, come home, come home.
Glass and petrol vodka gin, it feels like breathing methane.
Throw yourself from skin to skin, and still it doesn't dull the pain.
Vanish like a lipstick trace, it always blows me away.
Every cloud is grey, with dreams of yesterday.
'Come Home' - Placebo
You've left me.
You bastard, you've left me.
I'm all alone. All alone in this tiny apartment, in this big, bustling city.
It doesn't sleep. I can hear the cars and the buses and the trains outside my window even now, even as I lay in bed.
I wish they would shut the fuck up.
I wish I could stuff the city full of Ambiens till it passed out, or lean out my window and scream and it'd just… stop.
Everything would just fucking stop.
Why did you leave me?
I know you're out there, somewhere. I can feel you, in the back of my heart. You're still alive, you're still okay…
I'm surprised I still worry about you.
Of course I do, I… I love you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never said it enough, didn't smile enough, wasn't pretty or funny or smart enough, I wasn't whatever I needed to be to make you stay.
Were you scared?
I was scared too. Fuck, I was pregnant.
I was broke and young and scared because damn, I was bringing a life into the world. And I didn't know what to do.
But I didn't run away.
Why did you?
You were supposed to be the tough one. You were supposed to protect me and keep me safe.
You abandoned me. You abandoned both of us.
I feel restless.
I need to get up, I need to go. Somewhere. Anywhere. I don't care.
My feet take me to the crib in the next room.
I reach in and I touch him. He's so pretty Gaara, he's so beautiful. So small and delicate and perfect.
You didn't see his birth. You heard there were complications, that I was bleeding too badly, that he wasn't breathing, and you bolted.
You ran away, you stupid prick.
What, you thought I would leave you?
I love you! I love you! I love you I love you I fucking love you!
I wouldn't leave you!
Why couldn't you believe that?
I think he could feel me hovering over him. He opens his eyes- they're a perfect shade of gray-green- and he smiles at me.
And immediately, I am calm.
Immediately, I forgive you.
You gave me him, at least. You gave me Gaara Sabaku- Hyuuga II.
And for that, I forgive you.
He stretches his arms up to me.
He'll be three months old in a few weeks.
I pick him up. He's gotten heavier.
I carefully balance him against me and pad out to the kitchen.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see his hair. That combined with the warm weight on my side makes me think of you, and I grip him tightly.
He cries out. I lessen my grip.
He doesn't know you.
He's only seen pictures of you, and in his simple infant mind he's accepted what I've told him of you just being away.
Of you coming back.
You better. He needs you.
I need you.
A fat, warm little hand smacks my cheek clumsily.
Little Gaara looks up at me with sad eyes.
I realize I am crying.
I miss you.
I miss you so fucking much.
Why did you leave?
I ask myself this. Every second of everyday I ask myself this.
I don't have an answer. Will I ever?
I lay little Gaara in his bassinet by the couch. His eyes were sliding shut and his head was drooping.
I need sleep.
I plop down on the couch, next to the phone.
And suddenly… the sudden urge to call you seizes me.
I used to do this all the time, when I wake up at night, alone, and you'd be working the late shift, I'd call you, and you'd always get me to fall asleep again… you'd sing to me, or just talk, in your soft, deep, soothing voice. Once, I called you really late, and you kept talking to me, and just as I was about to fall asleep you came home and lay down next to me.
It was just one of those things that you'd do.
I pick up the phone. The cool, smooth plastic seems to burn my hand. Slowly, I punch those numbers familiar to me. I even hum along with the beeps after each number.
This is stupid.
You probably have a new phone.
Why would you answer, anyway? You left me. You left me.
I should hang up. Hanging up…
Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God OH GOD OHGODOHGODOHGOD.
Answer him! Answer him, you nitwit! My lips feel numb. My tongue feels heavy.
"I'm hanging u-"
I barely manage to get the word out.
"Gaara? Is that you?"
"Yes, it's me. Why? Why, Gaara? Why?"
"You're okay? The baby, is he okay?"
I can't resist a chuckle at how worried Gaara sounds. Three months, and he worries now?
"He's fine. I named him after you. I'm fine. We're all fine, Gaara. Come home. Please? Come home."
"I'm sorry, Neji."
I put the phone down. I pick Little Gaara up. I sit on the couch, clutching him to me and crying.
But you gave me him, and for that, I forgive you.
But tomorrow I will go change his name.
It was originally gonna have a happy ending, but lately I've been teaching myself to write and draw characters and scenarios that are more realistic.
Plus I'm too tired for all that bullshit. (6 hour conversation with boyfriend sapped all the love right out of me.)