Miss Nunya: Sorry for the wait…
Missnunyastalkerfan: I tripped…and fell…off the face of the earth… Dragged Miss Nunya with me
Miss Nunya: And they say the world is round. Tsk, tsk.
Missnunyastalkerfan: It's a conspiracy, man.
Miss Nunya: Someone call Question from Justice League!
Missnunyastalkerfan: I can't… they gave me a restraining order… psssh… some people don't understand me
Miss Nunya: *sigh* You too?
Missnunyastalkerfan: Yeah… but anyways, we are soooooo sorry for not posting this.
Miss Nunya: Yeah. It's not like it was sitting on our laptops alone and forgotten or anything like that…
Missnunyastalkerfan: *nervous laugh* hehe, that's just… psssh… What? *looks away*
Miss Nunya: Lol, enjoy!
Operation Kill-the-Sleaze began at ten a.m. sharp. I sat in the taxi cab outside of some fancy little brunch spot for all the "royalty" of New York. Sleazy had already texted my phone – I don't know how he got my number – three times.
We said ten o'clock sharp. Where are you?
I hit the delete button as the latest urgent message from Sleazy came, tapping my foot to the driver's radio. He didn't even mind that we had been waiting in the parking lot for the last ten minutes, happy to have free time to play Drawsomething with his cab buddies.
"Well," I sighed, swinging my legs out of the door. "I guess it's time to meet the in-laws." They've been on edge for the past few minutes. And I was getting bored. "Thanks, Johnson!"
"Anytime!" the driver called, handing me back Sleazy's credit card. "And I kept the meter running for you." He winked. "Good luck."
No, I did not steal Sleazy's card. He was the idiot who left his wallet in plain sight.
I hopped into the restaurant, the servers giving me odd looks. Who the heck is this girl? They seemed to ask, as I trotted up to a table in the center of the restaurant.
"Yooooohoooooo!" I sing-songed, dangling my shoes in my hand. I sat next to Sleazy. "Sorry, honeykins, you wouldn't believe the traffic here!" I glanced at the appalled old couple sitting across from me. "Oh, hi!" I exclaimed. "So nice to meet you! I'm Rachel! Your new daughter-in-law!" Was that a flinch?
"Um, darling," Sleazy whispered, flushed from the disdainful stares from other tables. Life is good. "Can you please…put on your shoes?"
"No shirt, no shoes and I still get service!" I began singing, grabbing a mimosa from Sleazy, pausing for dramatic effect. Wait for it. "I'm sexy and I know it!" I nudged Sleazy. "Sing with me."
"Raquel, was it?" Sleazy's mom asked. "Could I ask how many drinks you have had already?" For effect, I drained the champagne glass before responding.
"Well, Your Ladyship-ness, Majesty," I said as solemnly as I could. "Nowhere near as many drinks as I had when me and this guy over here tied the knot."
I could tell by the look in their snobby faces that this marriage would not last long if Sleazy's parents could help it. This plan was going great. Until I heard-
"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Redd," Gar greeted, sitting on the other side of me. "X… Rachel." Oh crap. "Thanks for inviting me."
I wanted nothing more than to crawl under the table and die as Gar's eyes took in my bright yellow dress and bare feet.
Not that I care what he thinks or anything…
He raised a brow, but smartly decided not to comment on my outfit. His foot nudged mine under the table to let me know he'd caught on and I exhaled silently in relief. "So, were you telling them the wedding story? I actually haven't gotten to hear it myself." He motioned with his eyes to a man a few tables away, watching us far too closely to be anything other than a reporter.
I pounded the table, falling into a fit of giggles. "Wedding story? I don't even remember the proposal! Let me tell you, Your Highnesses," I said, turning to Sleazy's parents. "I've never drunk so much in my life. At this rate, I'll be in rehab by the end of the week."
Mrs. Sleazy fanned her face as she tried to get oxygen in between her gasps. Beside her, Mr. Sleazy sent a glare at his son.
Suddenly Sleazy's arm was around my shoulders. "Don't look at me like that Dad. Robin and I are in love. She's my destiny. I couldn't possibly lose her to rehab." He wrapped his hands around my cheeks. "Don't worry, my little honey muffin, I'll hide all the alcohol as soon as we get home. We'll do this together."
I burst into tears. But instead of screaming 'Sleazy touched my face,' like I wanted to oh so badly, I buried my face in my hands and yelled, "You liar!" loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear. "You love that doctor. You're cheating on me with Dr. Moth!" I let out a wail, pulling up the tablecloth top blow my nose before continuing. "You think I'm-m-m an ugly duh-kling…" I hiccupped.
"Get her out of here," Mr. Sleazy said, standing abruptly. "Cover your faces on the way out." He pulled out a pair of sunglasses and stormed toward the door.
Sleazy's mom stood as well. "I'm very disappointed in you, Xavier."
By now the reporter was furiously scribbling on a napkin and Gar was desperately trying to keep a straight face. I thought we were home free, until-
"Oh. My. Gosh!" a socialite called as she walked into the door, right by the Sleazies.
To my horror, she rushed over to me with a huge grin.
"I know you!" she exclaimed, pulling out a hardcover book. "You're Rachel, aren't you?" She took my deer-in-the-headlights look as a yes. "I love, love, love your books!"
Apparently that caught the Sleazies' attention, because they started slowly walking back to us. Oh, crap.
"Oh, you're an author?" Mrs. Sleazy asked, dollar symbols in her eyes.
I shot a look at Gar. What was I supposed to say?
Yes," Sleazy jumped in. "She's actually…working on her next book now." He gave me a triumphant look. "It's about a sarcastic, homely, temperamental-" I'm gonna kill him- "girl married to a rich, successful, good looking man." He paused, an idea forming in his twisted head. "In fact, this whole act she's putting on is just research…for her book."
"Oh, I see," Mrs. Sleazy said with a sigh of relief, sinking back into her chair. "You had me worried for a second, Renee."
I think the reporter's face was as upset as mine. The perfect plan…ruined by the fan extending a pen and book to me. Even Gar couldn't think of anything to say as the idiotic girl sashayed away and the Sleazies ordered brunch.
"Nice try," Sleazy whispered, leaning in closer. "But you are not taking my company away from me."
"Why?" I shot back. "You're taking my life away."
"Sorry about the little show," Sleazy apologized to his parents, who were now surprisingly calm. "I wanted to warn you, but…Regina likes improvising."
"And that's completely understandable," Mr. Sleazy said, no doubt still wondering how much income I would bring in. "Just, next time save the performances for at home."
Sleazy's hand on my leg told me that he had a different interpretation to that sentence than mine. That's it. Where's Kory?
Miss Nunya: Stay tuned for the next chapter in which Rachel cuts off Sleazy's hand with a butter knife.
Missnunyastalkerfan: *evil laugh* We'll try to have this chapter posted within a calendar year this time…
Miss Nunya: You can't put a time limit on inspiration.
Missnunyastalkerfan: But our lives have a limited amount of time on earth if the fans decide to reassemble the lynch mob.
Miss Nunya: Lynch mob? *gulp* Yeppers, we'll have that new chapter to you ASAP.
Missnunyastalkerfan: But first you have to…. Wait for it…. REVIEW! Bet ya didn't see that one coming, did ya?