Authors' Note

Missnunyastalkerfan: So, author's note thingamajig... chapter 2... yeah…

Miss Nunya: That's how you spell 'thingamajig'! I always wondered about that.

Missnunyastalkerfan: Me too! I just sounded it out...

Miss Nunya: Oh. They tried to make me do that one time in first grade. *sigh* The nerve of some teachers!

Missnunyastalkerfan: How traumatizing...

Miss Nunya: School usually is, dear. *shakes head tragically* You know what else is traumatizing? The fact that you're leaving! *wails dramatically* Why don't you just rip out my heart? It'll feel the same! *sobs*

Missnunyastalkerfan: It's not like I'm not coming back, darling. I'll be gone for a few days. And when I get back, we'll go see Toy Story 3.

Miss Nunya: *wipes eyes and blows nose on Raven's cloak* Well, when you put it like that... Oh, hi, Raven! *smiles*

Missnunyastalkerfan: Oooooo, you'd better pay for her dry cleaning... Hi Raven! Hi! You're awesome! I'm a big fan! *stares at Raven cross-eyed with excitement*

Raven: Um, hi. And... thanks?

Miss Nunya: *looks at Raven with big eyes* Sowee for snotting your cloak, Raven.

Raven: *rolls eyes* Forget it. Don't you guys have a job to do?

Missnunyastalkerfan: Um...Oh, yeah! The author's note for Chapter 2!

Raven: *sarcastically* Give the girl a prize.

Missnunyastalkerfan: I get a prize! Yay! Oh, yeah, so the story... um... hehe.

Miss Nunya: *grumbles* How come she gets a prize?

Raven: Fine. You two can share Mr. Sleazy.

Miss Nunya: *evil laugh* We shall take good care of him, Raven.

Missnunyastalkerfan: Speaking of Mr. Sleazy, shouldn't we let the patient readers read the story now. Not that it hasn't been awesome talking to you, Raven! Have I mentioned I'm a HUGE fan? * stares*

Raven: Uh- huh *looks away awkwardly*

Miss Nunya: Right, anyway... We have a duty to our readers!

Missnunyastalkerfan: Ok! Enjoy the story everyone! And... Raven, will you do the honor?

Raven: *nonchalantly* Review, review, review.


Last Name

Chapter Two

My New Hubby

Just in case you forgot, let's recap.

My.

Life.

Sucks.

My husband - that's right, husband - walked through the door with his friend as I threw the bed covers over my body.

Mr. Sleazy gave me a perverse look and leaned against the door frame. "Good morning, baby," he greeted.

I raised my eyebrows. What part of this morning was good? "I want a divorce," I stated.

"Now, babe, that's no way to talk to your new hubby."

With a glare, I sweetened my voice and said "Honeykins, would you do me a favor? Close the curtains, bring me my clothes, find some divorce papers, and get these stinking handcuffs off me!"

"In that order?" he asked slyly. If I wasn't chained to the bed, I would have strangled him.

Luckily for him, his friend stepped in and shut the curtains. As he stood at the window, he turned to face me and smiled. I glared back at him. His smile faded, and I felt a little bad (but only a little).

"Do you have keys for these?" I asked, irritably shaking my cuffed wrist.

"Depends," Mr. Sleazy said. "What will you do for them?"

I threw a pillow at his face, nailing him in the nose.

"Nice one," his friend laughed, walking over to the dresser to fetch a tiny silver key.

"Who are you?" I asked. I tried not to sound rude, really, I did, but I was hung over, and annoyed, and, oh, yeah, married.

"Gar," he said with a smile as he uncuffed me. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Redd."

"Who?" I asked, confused.

"You do know who you married, don't you?" Gar teased.

"I was drunk!" I protested. Seriously, how else would Mr. Sleazy have gotten me to marry him? "And besides, it's not like we're gonna stay ma-ma-"

"Married," Mr. Sleazy finished with a smirk. "But, if you really want a divorce, I guess you can have one." He waggled his eyebrows. "We've already had our honeymoon."

I wrapped the sheet around my body before jumping out of the bed and punching him where it hurt. He hunched over, cradling his junk, while I began beating him over the head with a pillow.

"What's going on here!" I heard someone shout as they pulled me away by the waist.

"Let go of me!" I growled. "I wasn't finished!"

"Hey," he said slowly, letting me go and looking at me closely. "Aren't you Rachel?"

I nodded, wondering how he knew me.

"Kory's been looking for you all night!" he exclaimed.

Well, that explains it, I thought, recognizing him as the spiky haired guy Kory went off with. "Where is she?" I asked.

Spiky Haired Guy motioned for me to hold on before grabbing his phone and pressing it to his ear.

"Kor, babe," he greeted. "I found Rachel. No, she's fine. She's in room B101- Yes, of course she's alive! She's-" he looked at my finger. "She's kinda… married." I heard Kory's shouts. "What- No, I just found out- No- I- Are you listening to me?" He shut the phone with a sigh. "She hung up on me."

A few seconds later, I heard someone pounding furiously on the hotel room door. One guess on who it was.

"Open this door, right now!" Kory screamed. "Do you hear me? You've got three seconds or I'm kicking it in! One… Two…"

Spiky Haired Guy sprinted to open the door before Kory karate-kicked it. Unfortunately, he ended up taking that kick himself.

"Oh. Hi, Dick! Sorry about that," Kory said, calmly walking into the room. "Rachel!" she yelled when she spotted me. "I'm so glad you're okay! You are okay, aren't you? Did you get hurt? Do you need me to kill anyone?"

"You can just kick them," Dick groaned from the other room.

"Put some ice on it, sweetheart. You'll be fine," Kory called back before turning to me. "Where are your clothes?"

"There," I said, pointing to the dress on the floor. "And there," I added, pointing to the panties hanging on the dresser.

"I think we left your bra in the other room," Mr. Sleazy interrupted with a smug look. "Hi. I don't think we've met, but I'm Rachel's husband."

Kory turned to him with daggers in her eyes. "Rachel, get the shovel."

"Kory, you're a lawyer. Aren't supposed to abide by the law?" I asked.

"There's got to be a loophole around that murder law, somewhere. Especially in the case of this-this-"

"The name's Redd, cutie," introduced Mr. Sleazy. "Xavier Redd."

"Use Bond lines on my girl one more time, X," Dick snarled, walking into the room. "I dare you."

"Relax, kid," Mr. Sleazy replied, waving his ring finger. "I'm a married man."

Gar snorted and I whapped his head. This so wasn't funny.

"Not for long, Mr. Redd," Kory said. "I assure you, this marriage won't last more than six weeks."

"Six week!" I gasped.

"That's how long it takes to get an annulment, Rachel, dear," Kory whispered.

"B-b-but…" I whimpered. "I don't wanna be Mrs. Sleazy."

"Oh, honey," Kory cooed. "Please, don't cry. Everything will be fine. If the judge won't grant an annulment, we'll get rid of him the other way. I'll take care of the whole thing."

"Um, excuse me. What do you me Mrs. Sleazy?" Mr. Sleazy asked. I think the truth insulted him.

"Why don't you go get dressed, Rachel," Kory said turning to Mr. Sleazy with a murderous scowl. "I'll meet you in the lobby as soon as I finish talking with Mr. Redd."

I nodded and gathered my things, whacking Gar upside the head again as I went because he still looked too amused.

Leaving the apartment, I heard Kory tell Mr. Sleazy that if he made this anymore difficult than it had to be, she would tie his balls in a knot and iron them.

I knew there was a reason we were friends…


Author's Note (again)

Miss Nunya: Hi! It's just me this time (heartbreaking, I know). Thanks for reading, though! What did you think? A lot of violence, huh? I sure hope Dick got some ice for his, uh… never mind. ;)

But don't worry, we're far too creative to be limited to junk-punching as torture. We have other ways… *smirks malevolently *

Sorry Missnunyastalkerfan and I haven't replied to any reviews yet. You see, the problem is… the giraffes! They got sent to Madagascar by mistake. Yep. Something about psychotic penguins attacking the ship captain. Anyway, we will reply to all the reviews as soon as we can, honest!

Now, review 'cause Raven said so. Don't make her send you to another dimension.