NARRATOR: Our experts have compared the weapons of both combatants. To recap . . . for short-range weapons, Hannah Montana's microphone got the edge over Joe Jonas's cell phone. In mid-range weapons, Joe Jonas's electric guitar proved superior over Hannah Montana's mike stand. Accessories, Hannah Montana's press-on nails showed they were beautifully colored talons of death, which Joe Jonas school tie could not compare to. And finally, in special weapons, the overpowering stench of "Ol' Jonas" cologne proved more effective in incapacitating an enemy than "Essence of Hannah" perfume.
Now, computer expert Max Geiger will enter the results of our tests into a program developed by Slitherine Software in England.
MAX: In order to avoid a lucky shot determining the victor of this fight, we're going to run a thousand different simulations of the battle between Hannah Montana and Joe Jonas. Whoever gets the most kills will be our deadliest pop star.
(Max punches a few keys. The computer runs through the one thousand battle simulations. What follows is a dramatization of the final result)
Hannah stands on the brightly lit stage, smiling and waving to the thousands of pre-teen and teen fans packing the arena. She continues waving, blowing them occasional kisses.
Something catches her eye. Joe Jonas ambles onto the stage, clutching his guitar. He scowls at Hannah. She narrows her eyes at him. Joe takes a couple steps toward her, pulling the strap of his guitar from his neck. Hannah grabs the microphone stand, pulls off the mike and drops it to the floor. She grips the stand in front of her with both hands and bares her teeth. Joe grabs his guitar by the neck and holds it like a club.
"Aaaargh!" Hannah rushes forward. She swings the mike stand. Joe dodges it and lashes out with his guitar. Hannah jumps back to avoid it. Fans cheer as she swings again and misses. Joe swipes at her with the guitar. Hannah ducks under it, spins the mike stand around, and thrusts forward. The pointed tip digs into Joe's thigh.
"Ow!" Joe stumbles back, a trickle of blood forming on his pants. Scowling, he swings the guitar again. A deep thump echoes through the air as the guitar strikes Hannah in the left arm. She cries out, stumbles and falls. Grimacing, she rubs her injured arm. Joe advances on her, raises the guitar, and brings it down. Hannah rolls out of the way just in time. The guitar's body shatters as it hits the floor.
Hannah grabs her microphone, roars, and charges Joe. She swings the mike, catching Joe in the cheek. He stumbles back, managing to pull out his cell phone. Hannah charges again. Joe thrusts out his arm. The tip of the cell phone hits Hannah's mouth. Blood streams from her busted lip. She stumbles back, hand over her mouth. Joe pushes her to the floor. Hannah reaches out and grabs her microphone. Joe digs into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of "Ol Jonas" just as Hannah gets to her feet. He throws it to the floor, shattering it. Hannah gags from the stench. Eyes watering, she presses her arm over her mouth and nose. The mike slips from her hand as she retreats to the other side of the stage. She bends over, retching from the foul odor.
Joe removes his school tie and approaches Hannah from behind. He reaches out and pulls the tie around her throat, yanking her upright. He moves against her back and pulls the tie tighter. Hannah struggles for breath, trying to force the tie off her neck. It won't budge.
Wheezing, she stomps her foot, catching the tip of Joe's shoe.
"Ow!" His grip on the tie loosens.
Hannah frees herself, rubbing her throat and sucking in ragged gasps of air.
Joe shakes his foot, then moves toward Hannah again, determination in his eyes.
She spots him and reaches into her pocket. Joe is only inches away when Hannah pulls out a bottle of "Essence of Hannah" and sprays it in his eyes. Joe yelps, drops the tie and covers his eyes. With a primal roar, Hannah pulls back her right arm and thrusts it forward. Her press-on nails sink into Joe's throat. She pulls them out. A shocked Joe's clasps his hands over his throat, trying to stop the bleeding. Instead his eyes roll into the back of his head. He drops to his knees, then falls to the floor face down. He does not move.
The fans cheer wildly as Hannah raises her arms in victory.
WINNER: HANNAH MONTANA
MAX: This was a close battle. In a thousand scenarios, Hannah Montana was the winner with 510 kills, compared to Joe Jonas' 490. Hannah's nails proved the most deadly. 480 of her kills were from those rosy red talons of hers, whereas she only had 26 kills with the mike stand, four from the microphone, and zero from the perfume. Joe Jonas, in his victories, had 441 kills with his guitar, 47 with the tie, just 2 from the cell phone, and none from his cologne.
GEOFF: A lot of people would think the guitar would give Joe Jonas the edge in this fight, but when you think about it, it's an unwieldy weapon, the weight is not evenly distributed, so that makes it hard to swing accurately, which gives Hannah Montana the chance to get in there up close and personal and do some damage with those claws of hers.
LILLY: Yea! Hannah won! Wooooo! I knew she'd do it. Hannah rocks!
NICK: My brother just got his butt kicked by a girl. Wonderful. Most people already thought the Jonas Brothers were wimps, but this just confirms it. What's gonna happen now? Are all our fans gonna go listen to Hannah Montana now? You know, it's not like we've got broad appeal. Without nine to thirteen-year-old girls listening to our music, watching our TV shows and buying our stuff, we've got nothing. Aw man, we're probably gonna be working at a Taco Bell this time next year. This . . . this . . . we're ***beep***
NARRATOR: And now, final thoughts from computer expert Max Geiger.
MAX: Well, we learned today that in a battle with another pop star, Hannah Montana is superior. Does that mean she's a bad-ass? Yeah . . . to a Jonas Brother. Pit her against an actual warrior, say, Joan of Arc, and . . . well, I don't think I need to input that into the computer to see how that fight would turn out.