48And He Thought South Park Was Crazy…
Chapter 1
* Slow, depressing music, spotlight on me in a dark room*
AGK: * Serious voice* Hi, I'm Alchemy Goddess Kitsune and this is my story…
Typical PSA Narrator: * Scene transition to a messy room* She thought there was one… * A girl who is reading on her phone; brushes hair out of face; turns out it's not me*
Girl: * Deep man voice* Man wouldn't it be cool if there was a * stares blankly for a second then remembers line* Axis Powers: Hetalia (pronounced Egg-sis Poow-ahs Hit-tail-lea) and South Park crossover fanfiction? Omigosh! I'm sure that someone made it by now. * starts looking for it on Google*
Typical PSA Narrator: She was wrong…* Girl looks stunned and falls back; zoom in on phone; "I'm sorry but South Park/Hetalia could not be found. :( "; fade to black*
AGK: *unserious; pops out of nowhere* And that's how I got this idea. I mean, I know Hetalia isn't a really well known show but come on! Well, that being said, I don't own anything about South Park or AP:H. Anywho, on with the story.
A groan escaped from Stan Marsh as his alarm clock rang did its job faithfully and loudly. He hit the off button to shut it up. Stan slugged himself up and sat on his bed. He looked over on the source of the light that was pouring in to his new apartment. He jumped at the sight of the Washington Monument outside the giant window until he remembered that was why he bought his apartment.
Stan smirked at his own stupidness. After going to college, he realized that he wanted to look for a job regarding foreign relations in the government. So, when he looked for a job opening, they looked into his background, of course. It was then they found out that he was involved in many strange instances with the government, including the very infamous Imaginationland incident. Stan was hired instantly, on the condition that he keeps his job top secret in that he cannot tell people anything about his job other than the fact that he works for the government and as a diplomat. He got up and picked up a still clean pair of pants and dress shirt off the floor.
"So, they decided I can pretty much watch over these representatives of every country in conferences." Stan pulled up the pants and buttoned them.
"They said that they were a bit strange and very patriotic to their own countries, but it can't as strange as Cartman's anal probe or meeting Mel Gibson or destroying a Wal-Mart's heart or..." Stan chuckled. Sure, he missed South Park and his family and friends. Not so much Cartman, however. The group had a falling out with him in college.
"Thank God!" Stan roughly put on his shirt with a sigh.
"I can't believe we tolerated that fatass for that long! Oh, well. Not like he's coming up here at all…" He thought. Last he heard, Cartman was still living with his mom. On the subject of friends, Kenny had gotten himself a stable job as a McDonald's cashier and well on his way to becoming manager. At least when they were still in touch...
Stan refused to even touch any social-networking site after the whole Facebook ordeal. His computer had a virus, anyway, that deleted everything on the computer's hardware. Too bad he didn't back everything up...Not only that but he was horrible with numbers and all the numbers he had, were lost, due to a shipping error while he was moving in this apartment. And to add the cherry on top, his cell phone was stolen two days ago by a crazy hobo, (He swore that the psycho was skipping off afterwards!) SIM card and all. Now, no one could get in touch with him even if Kyle wanted to say "Hi."
Stan stopped tying his tie.
"Kyle..." His super best friend...Kyle was accepted into Harvard almost immediately after graduation. Kyle going to be a lawyer, like his father. According to a talk they had, he only went to shut his mother up.
"Dude then why are you going just to please her?" he asked him. Kyle smiled.
"She wants what's best for me. I'd actually like to be a writer but God knows those jobs are one of the least stable. I can use the lawyer job as a day job and write by night." Kyle grinned.
"Who knows? Maybe I can quit the lawyer gig after awhile."
Stan had to admire his optimism. Stan smirked as he started tying a tie. He walked into his bathroom and did whatever guys do to get ready. (A/N Hey, I'm a girl!) Stan just made coffee when the alarm on his watch beeped.
"Shit!" he cursed as he poured the coffee into the thermos. First day on the job and he was going to be late!
"Sorry I'm late!" Stan yelled as he burst through the door, scaring the elderly receptionist.
"Oh my! You scared me, young man!" she gasped. Stan stopped and smiled apologetically.
"Sorry, I was late getting here. I was panicking." She smiled back.
"Oh, that's alright, dear. What's your name? I can sign you in."
"Thank you. I'm Stanley Marsh. I'm the new Advisor for Countries." He stopped for a bit and stared at Stan wide-eyed, her large bi-focals making them seem even bigger. She shook her heard muttering while typing on her ancient computer.
"Excuse me?" she looked back up at him and smiled.
"Oh, I'm sorry. It's just a very hard job, from what I've seen from people." Stan was about to ask her what she meant by that, until she stopped him.
"Well, here you are! All signed in. And right on time! Just pass through that door to the left and you'l be in a hall. Go to the door on the other end and swipe in. You'll be there with the Major of Security. Oh, and!" she rummaged through a plastic bag.
The receptionist gave him a can of Monster. "Take this. You'll need it," she said warningly. Stan thanked her and took the Monster, confused. He waited until he was through the door when he put the Monster in his briefcase.
Stan was standing in front of the door he was supposed to swipe into five minutes ago. He sighed. He had to go through five different security checkpoints. They said it was a top secret but this is ridiculous. Retina scans, DNA Testers, metal detectors and X-rays were enough but now an ID door! Seriously, he had to show his fucking badge to get into the god damned building. He wanted to go up to his superior and complain but he had learned that complaining on the first day was probably not the best thing to do. Besides, the pay was good and he got a nice down payment that bought him the penthouse apartment. He sighed again. Oh well, he'll just have to grin and bear it. Stan vaguely heard the click of his badge as the door opened.
"You're late!" A brash English accent greeted him as he walked in.
"Why, thank you, Captain Asshole, for stating the obvious!" Stan thought to himself as he put on his business smile. The speaker had shortly chopped blonde hair and-
"HOLY SHIT! Look at those eyebrows! It could probably be made into a wig!" Stan thought, snickering to himself. He stopped himself however and managed to keep a straight face to make his excuse believable.
"Sorry, I was lost," Stan made up on the spot. "And who said lying to Mr./Ms. Garrison about being late to school would never pay off in life? Ha! Suck it, Butters!"
He heard a sigh. "Alright. Just so long as it doesn't happen again," the eyebrow guy replied. Stan suddenly felt an arm around his shoulder pulling him into another body roughly.
"Aww, Iggy! Loosen up! It's his first day! Don't be so hard on him! Besides," Stan looked up at the tall man. He had a piece of hair that stuck up and glasses.
"He's my man. I hired him. You didn't. I'm awesome." The man grinned, confidently. Stan blushed a bit at the wording but so did Mr. Asshole-Eyebrows. The asswipe muttered something about wondering where he went wrong with him.
"Alfred," Stan and his employer (he guessed?) turned to a man in a black suit and sunglasses in the corner.
"Let him go." Alfred sighed and let go of Stan and went over to sit next to a small man with black hair. The man in black motioned for Stan to come to him. Stan followed him and was passed a folder. Stan opened it.
"I am the Major of Security. This folder contains the identities of every country's ambassadors in the world. Your job for today is to memorize every ambassador's name and their country. That is all." He motioned for Stan to sit near Alfred. Stan nodded and took the empty seat next to Alfred. Stan looked all around the table. Mostly men with a few girls here and there.
He saw a girl who looked barely even sixteen across the table. She had a short blonde bob cut with a purple ribbon. She waved hi at him politely. He would have waved back if the guy to the left of her wouldn't give him a death glare that threatened to kill him if he did. So he smiled at her and looked for her through the folder.
"Liechtenstein.
Human name: Lili Burnhart.
Quiet and soft spoken but is not afraid to speak her mind.
Stays with her adoptive older brother, Switzerland (see Vash Zwingli), whom dotes on and protects her."
This explained so much. Yet so little. Stan sighed.
"Well, these people aren't going to drill every name into my head." He looked to his right and saw a boy sleeping with a relaxed expression on his face and a stray curl protruding from his head. A soft "Ve~." was heard as a snore.
"North Italy (Italy Veneziano)
Human name: Feliciano Vargas
Younger brother of South Italy (see Lovino Vargas).
An energetic, yet lazy and happy young man.
Gets along with most other nations pretty well.
Completely ineffectual.
Germany (see Ludwig) is his best friend(?)"
He looked back at the man. A large, stern looking guy with a thick German accent was trying to wake him up. Ludwig perhaps? Now, how about Major Eyebrows and Alfred.
"The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (England; Britain; UK; Iggy)
Human name: Arthur Kirkland
Rough and sensitive but cannot say what he means.
Wishes for friends.
Claims to hate other countries but does care for them.
Hates France (see Francis Bonnefoy)
The United States of America (USA; America)
Human Name: Alfred F. Jones
Loud, nosey and loves all sorts of fast food.
Leaps before he thinks.
Means well at all times.
Friends with Japan. (see Kiku Honda)"
So...that's England and America. They were a bit expected due to their accents. Huh...well more papers await!
After a half an hour, he finally finished memorizing every ambassador and BOTH of their name and their country's name! ("Why the fuck is Prussia still a country?") After he gave back the folder to the Major, he was told to listen to the meeting. If they got distracted or off-topic, just redirect them. Then left the room. That's what he was told. Then...
...How in Gods name did it turn out like this? Well, it all started when Francis suggested that public nudity should be legal...Arthur violently opposed the idea. Hercules (Greece) put in his two-cents and promptly fell back asleep. This sparked opposition from Sadiq (Turkey), which, in turned into this. Countries arguing. Every one was shouting and even jumping over the table to fight. Feliciano even woke up and started crying at the noise. Ludwig was trying to keep everyone in order and calm down Feliciano at the same time, which wasn't working. Alfred was laughing over everyone, encouraging the fight. And over whose food was better or worst and who's landscapes were better. "…What the fuck?"
"...I think I now know why they hired me..." Stan thought. He looked around for something to make a loud noise. There was nothing until he saw a glass box like a fire extinguisher, only it said, "To get attention, break me. Stan broke the box's opening. He was expecting a gun or an air horn to be inside. Instead it was empty, however it seemed to work.
Feliciano stopped crying. Ludwig and Alfred stopped yelling. Francis and Arthur paused strangling each other. Everyone looked at Stan, quiet and still. They were expecting him to say something. Stan took a deep breath and started.
"Everyone, what are you supposed to be doing?" He said this malice, to get his point across. Kiku (Japan) timidly raised his hand and spoke quietly, but clearly in a calm Japanese accent.
"Discussing budget issues." Stan nodded.
"Exactly! Now, get the fuck on it!" Stan simply as he took his seat, exasperated. It took an awkward minute until Arthur said nervously,
"Well, chaps. Shall we continue?"
Finally! The meeting's over! A few small fights broke out but they were quickly silenced by Stan's "glare of justice" as Alfred called it. Surprisingly they didn't really act awkward around him. Ludwig and Arthur thanked him for getting the meeting back on track. Feliciano said that he looked really cool. Lili shyly waved good bye to him as Vash was taking her home by the hand.
"Hey Stan! We should totally go drinking tonight! My treat!" Alfred squealed, shoveling down the hamburgers he ordered in the meeting. Stan politely refused. He made it a personal policy to not go out drinking on the first week of the job. Alfred looked disappointed until Stan promised to go next week.
"I'm holding you on to that!" he stated, catching up to Kiku. Stan stayed and rested until everyone left. As he left, a burlap bag was tossed over his head and dragged roughly.
"Holy shit! This is-" He was shoved onto chair and had the bag removed. It was the Major and many other important-looking people.
"Why the hell did you do that?" Stan sputtered out.
"Sorry. Standard procedure." The Major explained. That was it! Stan had just enough of this bullshit!
"What the fuck is going on?" He didn't care what was going to happen. He wanted why everything was so god damned secretive about this! The Major looked at another man, a General of some sort. The General sighed and spoke to Stan.
"Stanley Marsh…It's rather difficult to explain…or to understand for that matter, but we will tell all you need to know about your new job," He said simply.
"Oh…okay." Stan calmed down. The General started.
"These 'ambassadors' you just met were actually countries themselves personified. Every country has one that was born at the birth of the country. This is a secret no, I repeat, NO citizen should know. It will cause mass-confusion."
"…How bad?"
"We'd expect a full-out nuclear winter." Stan's eyes nearly popped out of his head.
"What? That's…that's ridiculous! In so many ways! I mean first off some of them would be over-"
"Ethiopia, Hagos Menelik, has been around since 3000 B.C. Alfred himself, celebrated his two-hundred and thirty-third birthday last year." Stan couldn't believe this.
"No way!" The General sighed.
"Well, you don't have to believe it. Just act like you do around the countries. If you promise not to tell people and do this, you can keep your job."
"Uhhh…ok," Stan nodded hesitantly. The General nodded back approvingly.
"Good. Oh and nice job back there." Stan was confused there.
"On what?" The important men laughed.
"On getting the countries back so effectively. You were the only one who didn't run out of the room screaming or in an ambulance, passed out." Stan started to seriously question the safety of this job.
"I apologize for any inconvenience we have caused. Major." Stan felt the bag over his head as the Major again dragged him to the entrance of the meeting room.
It seemed like a lifetime ago when he walked back into the room with the elderly receptionist when it was in fact just that morning.
"Good afternoon, Stan. How was your day?" She asked, sweetly. Stan looked back at her and only gave her a tired laugh. She looked sympathetic.
"Don't worry. You did much better than the other people." Stan smiled at her.
"Thanks," He thanked as he walked out. After getting in his car, Stan found that he was completely out of energy.
"What the hell was up with today?" he thought.
"How am I going to get home," Stan thought until he remembered the Monster that the receptionist gave him that morning. Opening his briefcase and took out the can of liquid energy. Opening the can, he took a quick swig of the warm, nasty-ass energy drink.
"And I thought South Park was crazy…" Stan thought, as he put down the can of filth and started his car.
And that's how the story goes. Yes those are my actual thoughts on Monster Energy Drink. I prefer Mountain Dew to that crap. Anywho, hope you enjoyed!