93A/N:*peeks out from behind a desk* Hi everyone! Long time no see! *tries to duck avalanche of rotten tomatoes*
Readers: BOO!
Eru-chan:*embarrassed smile* Very very sorry for the past two months of no updates! I know I'm very late! *begs for forgiveness by groveling on the floor*
But seriously, I'm extremely touched that there are actually people out there who care about what happens to my story. Thanks you to all my readers, reviewers, and those who added this story to their favourite and alert lists! You guys rock! You motivate me to write… if no one cared about my story, I probably wouldn't have felt motivated to go on.
Also, thank you to those who gave me suggestions for the prank war; even if they weren't used, they were very much appreciated. Thank you! And last but not least, special thanks to Venom-Loves-BB, who PM'd me more than once to guilt me into writing faster! Without Venom-Loves-BB, this chappy might've been posted even later!
L: And to apologize for the lateness, Eru-chan has made this chappy extra long (her fingers hurt from writing it because she actually uses the old-fashioned pencil and paper method). There's even a bonus scene at the end so look out for it!
Eru-chan:*in tears* AWW… L! I didn't know you cared! How sweet!
Light: Enough, get to the story! Don't make the readers wait any longer!
L: Enjoy and review! XD
Disclaimer: I actually wrote Death Note at the beginning… but they fired me because I was always late to hand in my work and missed my deadline so they got someone else instead. ...Now who believed that? *Silence. Cricket cricket.* Yeah that's what I thought.
Chapter Three
IT WAS WAR!
But even in the midst of a prank war, Light didn't lose his head. Instead he carefully considered several courses of action and plotted them out through logic and reasoning.
His reasoning went like so: first, deduct what is most likely to irritate L, and second, make an elaborate plan that would never fail. Quite basic, really. Somehow, the thought of inflicting mental torture upon the young genius gave him so much pleasure he began to smirk sadistically.
His inner, diabolical musings were interrupted by a slightly nervous-sounding Matsuda. "Um… Light? Are you alright? You look kinda spaced-out." There was just something slightly creepy about the way Light smiled, Matsuda thought, a shiver running up his spine. Especially with the smeared artwork on his face, not yet rinsed off. For the first time, he realized how clowns could seem creepy. Light was so… unnerving. He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry.
"Hm? Oh, yes, I'm perfectly fine, thanks for asking." He replied politely, wiping the smirk off his face with some difficulty. But a certain weird genius won't be, when I'm finished with him, he added silently. It was eerily perfect how L had gotten rid of the handcuffs this morning, claiming they were inconvenient. That was true, Light reflected: It would have been really inconvenient for his to prepare his pranks without the handcuffs. L had unwittingly given his freedom to plan his downfall…
Although he wasn't going to kill L, or anything like that, of course. Light blinked. He couldn't even imagine doing that. No, he was just going to have some fun torturing the poor L-kid a bit, that's all. Considering the pain and humiliation the devious seven-year old had laid on him, he found the idea of revenge only fair. It was justice!
The first prank was simple, but genius in its simplicity. It was a classic, and Light was going to use it to its full potential.
He was going to switch the sugar and salt. Okay, so perhaps it wasn't as complex and detailed as most of his other devious schemes, but it was too tempting to pass up. He could already imagine L gagging on a sip of salty tea, choking and attempting to spit out the disgusting concoction…
Matsuda was the unfortunate witness to another maniacal, evil grin emerging on Light's face. He couldn't suppress a shudder and decided to stay away from Light for a while… far, far away…
By the time L demanded his daily morning tea, Light was ready to put his plan into action. Actually, there wasn't much of a plan: he had merely crystallized a large amount of salt into sugar-cube look-alikes. In fact, they were perfect in their measurements and exact to the last milligram. Light was always meticulous in his schemes. He then carefully replaced L's sugar cubes in the cupboards with these salty forgeries, hid the actual sugar cubes under the kitchen floor tiles under the stove, where no one would likely search, and waited in delighted anticipation for L to stumble upon them.
"Watari! Get me some tea, with sugar!" L called impatiently.
"I don't think Watari came today either." Aizawa spoke up hesitantly.
L frowned a bit and said with a discouraged pout: "Fine, Aizawa, you can get my tea and sugar instead."
Aizawa stood resignedly and followed L's orders. L was so childish sometimes… especially now, since he's actually a child.
MUAHAHAHAHA! Light silently laughed. Now I'll get my revenge! I don't care if you're adorable – well, maybe I do – but you're still in for a rough day!
Meanwhile, Aizawa had returned with L's tea and a whole bag of supposed sugar cubes. L accepted them without looking, popping the bag open as he retrieved five cubes at once.
Light watched the L-kid out of the corner of his eyes as he hunched over, pretending to be absorbed in his work. I reality, he wouldn't have missed L's reaction for the world. And with his peripheral vision, he observed with mounting excitement as L pushed the stacked sugar – or salt – cube tower in to his tea with a plop and raise it closer and closer to his lips…
And drank it.
"AIEEEEEEEEEE!" L's shriek tore through the workplace as he simultaneously coughed and sprayed the revolting liquid at an unfortunate Soichirou, who just happened to be sitting at the wrong place at the wrong time. The chief of police gaped, shocked, at his drenched hair and ruined outfit, while the others looked on, trying to fight the urge to burst out laughing uncontrollably at the hilarious scene.
Light couldn't contain his delighted laughter. Oh, how he wished he had a camera… L's reaction was priceless. Simply priceless.
Of course L couldn't let Light get away with the salt incident. The two were eerily similar in this aspect: they had to win, mo matter what. Light understood this, and he knew L too well to not be suspicious of L's every more, in case he managed to pull a prank on him somehow. Call him paranoid, but he knew L was an opponent to watch out for, kid or not.
The entire morning he was edgy and nervous, flinching at any sudden movement. But L didn't seem to plan anything, as the only time he even left his seat was to walk to Light and lean over his shoulder to read his report for a few seconds. He couldn't possibly have done anything during that time, Light told himself a bit uncertainly.
But then he began to be aware of muffled snickers and muted giggles whenever he got up to grab some paper or hand in a report. He glared, confused and frustrated, but the quiet merriment at his expense did not cease. He was sure he washed L's entire so-called masterpiece off his face, he thought, raising a hand to his face self-consciously. So what could it be?
Five minutes later, his answer came in the form of a well-aimed kick at his rear, performed by an enthusiastically grinning Matsuda. "OWWWWW!" he howled, clutching his poor, much-abused ass protectively. It had not fully recovered from the hard fall out of bed two days ago yet, and this swift hick in the behind added insult to injury.
Everyone roared with laughter as Light hopped around in pain. After all, who could keep a straight face at the sight of the calm and collected genius hopping about, clutching his sore bottom?
"Matsuda!" Light yelled in fury. "What the f*cking hell was that for?" He advanced threateningly in Matsuda's direction, and the poor man shrank back, mortally afraid for his life.
"Light! Watch your goddamn f*cking language!" L told him reproachfully. Soichirou looked completely scandalized to hear such language from a seven-year-old, even though the seemingly innocent little kid was really L… Actually, that only made it more disturbing.
"Well, I want to know why he kicked my butt for no apparent reason!" Light spluttered indignantly.
"Ah, but there's always a reason, ne?" L smirked suddenly.
Wordlessly, Aizawa reached out and peeled something from Light's back: a tiny slip of post-it note paper. The corners of his mouth twitched into a minute smile as he handed the note to Light.
It read: 'I'm Kira =P Kick my butt!" Light turned a dangerous shade of purple – one might call it puce – as he read it, and he turned slowly to L. Really, if looked could kill, L would have been being carted off to the cemetery already.
As it was, Light couldn't do anything to L. Instead, he said sarcastically: "Wow, that explanation really made me fell better. May I ask why you chose such a juvenile and immature prank?"
"I think you forget I am actually a child, hence the immaturity." L's grin widened. "And that kick made me feel much better. Thanks Matsuda!"
Rummaging through a storage box full of random, useless stuff in search of something that might help his next prank, Light happened to find a bag full of gigantic, creepily realistic spiders. About to toss it aside while idly wondering why the Kira Headquarters would have such weird stuff, he suddenly paused, hit by inspiration.
Two days ago, when he first met the new and improved version of L (or maybe not-so-improved since the L-kid was literally driving him crazy with his childish antics), he had challenged him to a game of Twenty Questions because he thought the child was an imposter. L had proved he wasn't and he originally decided that was that and didn't think about it anymore.
But now…
For fun and out of curiosity, he had asked: 'Do you have any completely irrational fears? You know, things that you know logically wouldn't hurt you, but you can't help but be afraid anyways?'
'Well, promise you won't tell anyone?' L had replied, looking exceptionally young and small. Light had nodded, interested. 'I'm terrified of all spiders, even if they are not poisonous. Especially those big ones; the bigger they are, the more scared I am.'
The spiders Light held in his hands were huge. Light looked at them for a second, and began to smile.
L, you're really in for it this time! Light thought silently, his face half hidden by shadows.
MUAHAHAHAHA!
Ten minutes and a casual trip to the bathroom later, everything was arranged. A wad of cotton had served quite nicely as a web, and now all he needed was for the fly to fly into the trap… Light waited patiently, occasionally drumming his fingers on the desk. For a while all was quiet, until L got up to go to the bathroom.
Light stopped drumming his fingers as he smirked in anticipation. Straining his ears, he decided that L should be discovering his not-so-pleasant surprises right… about…
Now.
"EEEEEEEEEEEKK!" L screamed, right on cue. Simultaneously, the members of the Task Force turned their head in the direction of the shrill cry, perplexed and wondering what happened.
Revenge is so sweet, isn't it? Light asked himself smugly, satisfied.
Squelch. The unpleasant squishing sound was the first thing Light heard as he returned from retrieving a document and sat down in his seat. For a moment he froze with confusion, unsure as to why he heard a squelch when he sat down, but then his brain started to function again and put two and two together. The equation roughly went like this: L + prank = squelch in seat.
With a sinking feeling of dread, he noted that he had been wearing a newly-bought suit today, and that it's extremely difficult to get stains out of this kind of material. Goodbye, expensive suit, he told it sadly, mourning the loss of an outfit he had genuinely liked.
Rising slowly from his seat, Light touched his butt gingerly to assess the damage, careful not the press the bruise of Matsuda's kick accidentally. He felt something sticky and fluid. Syrup, most likely. He only got as far as that in his examination before a youthful voice interrupted him.
"Why is Light-kun touching himself?" L asked in his innocent voice, phrasing it delicately so that one's mind immediately fell to the gutter and yet no one doubted his naivety. How he made it so convincing, Light had no idea, but he knew the L-kid kid was anything but innocent. Six pairs of eyes turned in his direction at L's comment, full of scandalized shock.
Light took his hands away from his ass hurriedly, but to his dismay, he wasn't fast enough. To the entire Task Force, he had been apparently caressing his butt, and, thanks to L's oh-so-innocent suggestion, they now have very disturbing images and thoughts planted in their minds.
"Oh, Light, if you want to do that, you should use a vibrator! They work very well!" Matsuda told him, trying to be helpful.
That was so not helpful. Light tried hard not to think of Matsuda's personal experience with vibrators, but he couldn't prevent an onslaught of permanently mind-scarring images. He shuddered. Besides, now Matsuda had basically just confirmed to the others that he was doing something… dirty.
"I am ashamed of you, Light." Soichirou remarked disappointedly, shaking his head. "I only found out recently that you read porn magazines, and now…" He paused to sigh. "There are innocent seven-year-olds in this room, you know."
That was too much. INNOCENT SEVEN-YEAR-OLDS? Did he even hear that correctly? He glanced at L's devious smirk and almost spontaneously combusted with indignation.
"HE DID IT!" Light hollered madly, foam gathering at the corners of his mouth, a trembling finger (from rage) pointed accusatorily at L. The child put on a façade of surprise and pointed at himself as if to say 'who, me?' "HE PUT SYRUP IN MY SEAT, AND I WAS ONLY CHECKING WHAT DAMAGE HE'D DONE! I SWEAR!"
"So now you're trying to blame this sweet adorable kid here? Very disappointing." Soichirou told him, completely won over by L's sorrowing, wide puppy eyes. "Go to your room and stay there for an hour, to reflect on your immature behavior."
"But – but – " Light protested, temporarily speechless from the injustice and irony of it all. HE was being punished for L's immature behavior?
"Don't argue. You're grounded for an hour." ordered Soichirou firmly.
"AH! Life is so unfair!" Light exclaimed, outraged. "You'll pay for this, you li'l bastard!" He shouted at the mischievous prankster.
The L-kid only grinned. The sneaky li'l bastard.
Light was not going to spend his hour idly, of course. In fact, as he coded down in his room, he realized that his father had inadvertently helped him by giving him time to prepare his next prank, without raising the suspicions of the Task Force.
He quickly got to work, gathering the necessary materials. Originally, he had considered putting a bucket of water on a door, but he decided now that is was too good for the li'l bastard. So he opted to used pudding instead. Just imagine, an entire bucketful of pudding falling on L's head… Light sighed in bliss.
Sneaking into the kitchen was easy work; the kitchen was far from the office, and no one was there because they were all working. Finding the pudding was not as easy: L was quite zealous about hiding his secret stashes of sweets and desserts.
But eventually, Light succeeded in locating the stash of pudding – it was hidden under the floor tiles, disturbingly close to where he had hidden the real sugar cubes.
Well, I guess that just proves the old proverb – great minds think alike, Light thought to himself. Even he had to admit he grudgingly admired L's intellect, for all his eccentric habits and childish antics.
Emptying out the pudding containers into a medium-sized bucket, Light was slightly exasperated, but unsurprised at the fact that there was the perfect amount of pudding to fill the bucket – in fact, he had counted on that to plan his prank. Figures, he mused, L is probably so immature all the time because he gets a sugar rush eating these.
Standing on a chair, Light balanced the bucket precariously on the kitchen door, in a position so that when the slightly open door was pushed, the person would get a nasty surprise.
Then he slipped through the crack without disturbing the door, bringing a tiny slice of cake on a Styrofoam plate and a long piece of string.
There was only the matter of luring L to the trap now. Light sneaked to the hallway outside the office and hid in the shadows. Dressed in dark colours, Light was virtually invisible. I'm a ninja! he thought, exhilarated, before he suddenly went 'wait, what?' That was probably the most immature though he'd ever had, and he blamed it on L's bad influence.
Quietly placing the slice of cake in the doorway, where L could see it, Light attached the string to the plate and waited. But before his plan could unfold, out came Matsuda, and as luck would have it, he stomped right into the cake.
Squish. And just like that, the cake was ruined. Light resisted the urge to growl his frustration as Matsuda looked at the squished cake, bewildered. Coming to no logical conclusions as to how the cake got there, he shrugged and picked up the cake to throw it into the nearest garbage.
Luckily, he didn't notice the string attached so Light wasn't discovered. Whistling, Matsuda continued on his way.
Ten minutes later, Light was back again with an identical piece of cake. He prayed that Matsuda wouldn't idiotically step on it again. Fortunately, this time his plan went smoothly. Once L caught sight off the cake (which didn't take long), all Light had to do was tug on it whenever L got close enough to grab it. L was so bent on getting the cake he didn't even seem to consider how the cake was moving by itself.
Piece of cake, Light thought smugly. In fact, in this context, the nonsensical expression actually made sense. Lured to the kitchen, L pushed the door open and –
SPLAT! L was now covered in pudding. Light abandoned his hiding place to come and laugh at L.
His laugh withered away, however, when he saw L's face. L was crying. Yes, crying, with huge droplets of tears pouring down his face.
Light's heart gave a guilty twinge. Was his prank too harsh? But it wasn't really, considering the wreck of his expensive suit, his very sore bottom, and his ruined pride from L's pranks. So why was L crying?
It was a pitiful sight. Light almost felt like crying himself as he gazed upon L's tears.
"Why are you crying?" Light asked uncomfortably.
"Y-you ruined a w-whole bucket of p-pudding!" L said through his tears. "A-and they were my f-favourite flavour t-too!
Light felt like banging his head against the nearest wall. So all his worry… was for a bucket of pudding?
"What do you want me to do then?" Light asked through gritted teeth.
"Buy me more pudding?" L asked pitifully, looking up at him through huge, sparkling puppy eyes.
Light tried to resist, but those adorable eyes were sucking away his willpower. "Okay, fine." He sighed in defeat.
"Yay!" L shrieked, his tears disappearing as soon at they had come. He went to change out of his pudding-stained clothes as Light tried to understand how his prank could have backfired on him like that… actually, how his entire world could have been turned upside-down when he met the mischievous L-kid.
As L walked out of the washroom, Light noticed his outfit had quite a different style from the usual shirt-n-jeans. In fact, he couldn't remember L wearing shirt-n-jeans ever since he was turned into a child. Even his pajamas style was different: they were now completely white and soft as opposed to the old casual sleepwear. Frowning, he decided to add this peculiar quirk to the 'eccentric habits of L' list, making a mental note to ask L about it later.
Walking to the store was a peaceful, quiet experience. Even L had settled down and ceased to bounce all over the place, to Light's relief. L led him to a particular convenience store, claiming that it sold the best pudding ever. Light suspected L had made quite a few rounds to all the candy stores of the area, hence his familiarity.
They had come for pudding only, but L kept piling stuff into Light's hands, including toys, candy, and even a rubber ducky. Light found out it was extremely hard to resist L's adorable puppy eyes, especially when he remembered guiltily how he had made L cry. And L only gave him cheeky grins when he tried to protest feebly.
At the corner of the convenience store, Light was slightly surprised to discover a pink and frilly dress, perfect for a child. The store apparently sold just about everything. Smirking evilly, he grabbed it when L wasn't looking and bought it hastily, then hid it in his jacket. He had plans involving L and the dress…
To his chagrin, by the time they left the store, he had several bags worth off toys and sweets, and a completely empty wallet.
But he didn't feel irritated at all; in fact, he was pleasantly surprised to discover he felt rather content as he walked back to the headquarters with L at his side.
Looking at L's happy smile and the youthful spring in his step, an answering smile crept onto Light's own face, unbidden.
Perhaps life with the adorable L-kid wasn't so bad after all, he mused, smiling.
L: MUAHAHAHA… the prank war is not over yet!
Light: Ew! Why am I so sappy?
Eru-chan: The 'mind your goddamn f*cking language' phrase was something one of my friends actually said to another friend… I found it hilarious and I just had to put it there XD. I hope my writing quality didn't diminish after so long!
L: And now for the bonus scene!
Eru-chan: I imagined Matsuda ruining Light's first prank, but decided against it because poor Light should at least score some victories. But this is what would've happened if L had asked Matsuda to get his tea and sugar instead of Aizawa:
Bonus Scene
"Watari! Get me some tea, with sugar!" L called impatiently.
"I don't think Watari came today either." Aizawa spoke up hesitantly.
L frowned a bit and said with a discouraged pout: "Fine, Matsuda, you can get my tea and sugar instead."
"Okay!" Matsuda agreed cheerfully and ran off.
MUAHAHAHAHA! Light silently laughed. Now I'll get my revenge! I don't care if you're adorable – well, maybe I do – but you're still in for a rough day!
A few minutes later, with no sign of Matsuda's return, Light began to frown. Was it just because of his impatience, or is Matsuda taking an unexpectedly extra long time retrieving the food? After a long and tense pause, Matsuda finally ran back, out-of-breath but strangely victorious, with L's tea and a bag of sugar cubes clutched firmly in his hands.
"Sorry I took such a long time!" Matsuda huffed happily. "But I couldn't find the sugar cubes so I searched everywhere in the kitchen. Turns out they were under the kitchen floor tiles under the stove! That's kinda strange isn't it? Is that where you usually keep your sugar cubes, L?"
"No, I usually put them in the cupboards..." L trailed off, eyes narrowing in suspicion.
"Oh! Really?" Matsuda exclaimed, smiling a bit guiltily. "I forgot to check there. But all that's well is well, right? Or however the saying goes... Anyways, at least I found it!"
"Hmm..." L murmured, staring at Light accusatorily, telling him with his eyes that he knew exactly what he had tried to do.
What kind of idiot would check under the kitchen tiles before checking in the cupboards when he's looking for something? Light fumed, pissed beyond belief at Matsuda for finding the real sugar cubes he'd hid instead of just grabbing the salt cubes he'd specifically placed in the cupboard, where L usually put his sugar cubes.
"Excuse me." Light said abruptly. "If you need me, I'll be out banging my head against the wall." He stood up and exitted the room to go out to the hallway.
L and Matsuda exchanged a mystified and confused look, as they heard a rythmic banging sound out in the hallway. Thud. Thud. The noise was almost hollow, and sounded just like... a head banging on the wall.
"I didn't know Light suffered from any mental infirmities." said Matsuda, bewildered.
"..." L really had no comment.
The End
Eru-chan: LOL, don't we all have those moments where we honestly want to bang our heads against a wall? And the 'If you need me, I'll be out banging my head against the wall.' phrase was stolen from the Dilbert comic series... which I do NOT own... It's so perfect for the occasion, don't ya think?
Light: I'M NOT A PSYCHO!
L and Matsuda: YES YOU ARE!
Eru-chan: *sweatdrops* Reviews mean a lot to me! So if you care about my story, review! ^^ Bye for now!