15Special thanks to VixenNator & That's-So-Alex from Project Team Beta. Also thanks to Dinx219 and twitter babes swilks01 and friskyfallula who preread this and stroked my ego. Thanks ladies. Lots of shellen love!
All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Only the story line is mine.
No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter 1: Spiral
Bella sat silently as people ambled around her. The murky haze of her despair enveloped her, making it difficult to see, hear, and comprehend much that was going on around her.
Darkness . . . gloom . . . emptiness . . . sorrow
"Can I get you anything, hun?"
Darkness . . . gloom . . . emptiness . . . sorrow
"I'm so sorry."
Darkness . . . gloom . . . emptiness . . . sorrow
"You are being so strong."
Darkness . . . gloom . . . emptiness . . . sorrow
"We're here if you need us."
Bella sat in Charlie's favorite recliner. It was old and worn and smelled like Old Spice – his aftershave. When she closed her eyes she could imagine he was standing right next to her. Just as quickly as the image came, it disappeared, leaving Bella with a chasm in her chest that was being filled with . . .
Darkness . . . gloom . . . emptiness . . . sorrow
Condolences were offered as the mourners moved in, out, and through the house. She could barely even look at many of them as they spoke to her.
"We'll be keeping you in our prayers."
Still in shock it was hard to believe that her parents were really gone. Charlie and Renee Swan were killed in a car accident as they traveled home from their weekend in Seattle. They had gone to celebrate their 25th anniversary. It wasn't something they did very often, as Charlie's position as Forks' Chief of Police made getting away difficult. He was determined to make their anniversary special.
Renee had called Bella as they pulled onto the I-5 to let her know they were on their way home. Six hours later Bella was a bundle of nerves; she hadn't heard from either of her parents and neither answered their cell phones. It was while she was fretting that she finally heard a car pull into the driveway. She began to breathe a sigh of relief until she looked out the window and saw a Forks Police cruiser coming to a stop. She knew this had to be bad. She opened the door as Tyler Crowley, one of Charlie's officers and a former classmate of Bella's, approached the door, his head held low.
"I'm sorry, Bella," Tyler murmured.
"No, no, no," Bella cried as she fell into Tyler's arms. "Wh-, how?"
"They skid off the road along Lake Crescent. Their car slammed into a tree. They both died on impact."
Tyler held her and rubbed her back as she sobbed into his chest.
"I – I . . . I don't . . . I don't understand. Ch-Charlie is such, such a cau-cautious driver. H-how could this happen? There must be a m-m-mistake."
"I'm so sorry, Bella. They've positively identified Charlie and Renee. The park rangers think he lost control of the car or perhaps overcorrected after swerving to miss an animal."
Darkness . . . gloom . . . emptiness . . . sorrow
Bella lip quivered as she remembered Tyler delivering the devastating news. She barely heard the din of voices of the many people who came to pay their respects after the funeral. Occasionally, someone would approach her to offer their condolences.
"They were such good people."
Mostly they just spoke to one another and allowed Bella to sit quietly in Charlie's chair. She was glad to be largely ignored; she didn't know how she'd be able to communicate with them anyway. Barely able to keep herself in check as it was, speaking to someone would just cause more dry sobs, as Bella had cried so much over the past three days, she had no more tears. Her broken heart and wounded spirit, however, could be heard in every word she spoke.
As the day wore on, the mourners began to disperse and return to their own homes, back to their peace, comfort and security. Bella felt sure these were things she would never find again. She was Charlie's baby girl and Renee was her best friend. They were her peace, comfort, and security. Now they were gone. Once again Bella was plunged into . . .
Darkness . . . gloom . . . emptiness . . . sorrow
She was pulled from the miasma of her despair by the voice of Mrs. Webber, the mother of her friend Angela, and wife to the minister who officiated her parents' funeral. She was kneeling beside Charlie's chair as she spoke.
"Bella, sweetheart, everyone's gone. We've cleaned up the kitchen and taken the garbage out. The food people brought has been wrapped and labeled in the refrigerator. Do you need anything before I leave?"
Bella stared at her for a moment trying to understand what she was saying. She heard the words but it took moments for her to register what they meant. As she came to understand what Mrs. Webber was saying, Bella shook her head; there was nothing anyone could do for her.
Looking up, she saw the compassion in Mrs. Webber's eyes.
"I can only imagine what you're going through right now, Bella. Please remember that we're her for you if need anything. Do you want me to stay with you a little longer? Or even stay the night so you're not alone?"
Bella again looked at Mrs. Webber briefly and shook her head.
"Alright then. Please don't forget we're only a phone call away. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything. I'll lock the door on my way out."
Mrs. Webber rubbed Bella's hand and kissed her head as she parted. "We love you sweetheart. I'll be by tomorrow to see if you need anything."
====GS====GS====
The next few weeks passed with regular visits from Mrs. Webber, Angela, and other high school friends and neighbors. Bella was barely functional. Her days were spent in bed or sitting in Charlie's chair. She turned the house phone ringer off and kept her cell phone on vibrate, but never answered calls nor did she read and return texts. She would eat when visitors sat something in front of her, shower when she was reminded to, and step out for fresh air only when strongly encouraged.
As it approached a month since the death of Bella's parents, she woke with a change in attitude. She was done moping. In fact, she was angry – at Charlie for not driving more carefully, at Renee because she suggested the Seattle trip, and at God for leaving her with no family.
For the first time in a month, Bella walked around the house opening blinds to allow the outside in. Although it was overcast, the sky was bright, which lighted the house. While pacing, she took in the memories which abound throughout the house, and realized she needed to begin packing things up. She had to prepare for her impending start of grad school in Chicago. Unfortunately, the task was far more difficult to start than she would have imagined. Bella had no idea where to begin or what to do with the items she wouldn't or couldn't take with her.
Picking up her phone, she dialed the angel of mercy who had been helping her survive her painful loss.
"Hello."
"Hi, Mrs. Webber. It's Bella."
"Hello, dear. How are you doing today?"
"I'm feeling overwhelmed, actually. You have been so kind and helpful since Ch-Charlie and R-Renee died," Bella stammered, as she fought back the impending tears. "I hate to continue to burden you, but I just realized how soon I need to leave for school. I don't know how to get started on taking care of the house. Would you be able to help me?"
"Bella, it's not a burden at all. I would be more than happy to help you. Before we do that though, why don't we take a trip to Port Angeles, just to get away from things for a little while? I'd like to take you to lunch and just walk around for a little while. You need some fresh air and a break from the house."
"I'm not sure. I-I really don't think . . ."
"Sweetheart, I'm not generally a forceful person, but I won't bend on this. You need a little time away. It'll just be me and you. We don't need to talk about anything or could talk about everything. We'll just have lunch, walk around, hang out at a bookstore, or anything else that might relax you. I won't take no for an answer. You really need to get out and away for a little while. I'll be by in about an hour and we'll head off."
Bella sat silently in Charlie's chair as she tried not to think about what she was about to do. This would be her first time going to Port Angeles, or more specifically, driving around Lake Crescent since her parents' death. She had no idea how she was going to handle herself, as there was no way to get to Port Angeles without driving past the site of the accident. With tears slipping from her eyes, Bella picked herself up and headed upstairs to shower and prepare for her day with Mrs. Webber.
Shortly after returning downstairs, Mrs. Webber knocked on the door. Bella approached, took a deep breath, and reached for knob. Planting a strained smile on her face, Bella greeted Mrs. Webber.
"Hi."
"Ready to go, sweetheart?"
"As ready as I'm gonna be," Bella said, wincing.
"I know this is hard, but you'll feel so much better getting out than you would if you spent the whole day inside."
Bella's fabricated smile faltered as she held back the whimper that threatened to escape as she exited and locked her door. In an attempt to stave off her tears, Bella made idle chitchat.
"Looks like the Stevensons got a new car. I wonder how long they've had it?" she asked, motioning toward the nondescript black sedan across the street.
"Hmm. Guess so." Mrs. Webber's eyes appeared distant for a moment. "Do you want to grab some lunch now, or will you be ok to wait until we get to PA?"
"PA's fine with me."
"Oh, I'm so glad. I've wanted to go to Wine on the Waterfront for so long, and my husband just doesn't like that kind of restaurant. You don't mind if we go there do you?"
"Of course not. That'll be very nice, actually."
About 30 minutes into the drive they were approaching Lake Crescent. Bella didn't know exactly where Charlie and Renee crashed, but Tyler did tell her they were toward the western end of the lake. Just knowing that they were near the place where her parents lost their life was grueling. She could feel her entire body tensing up. Deep breaths, she told herself. Take deep breaths.
Mrs. Webber must have noticed Bella's anxiety, because she began to talk about Bella's plans in Chicago. It turned out that Mr. and Mrs. Webber had vacationed in Chicago several times. She told Bella about Broadway in Chicago where they saw several plays and musicals. She discussed various museums they had visited, the Art Institute being her favorite. She spoke animatedly about the various rooms and exhibits throughout. Mrs. Webber loved the Impressionists: Georges Seurat's "Sunday in the Park", Van Gogh's "Vincent's Bedroom in Arles", Camille Pissarro's "Woman Bather Her Feet in a Brook", and anything Claude Monet, but especially "Cliff Walk at Pourville." Mrs. Webber's voice was full of enchantment; Bella couldn't help but be drawn into her descriptions of the art she loved. Before she realized it, they were pulling into Port Angeles.
"Thank you," Bella said softly.
"You're very welcome, my dear. I knew that would be difficult for you. I'm just glad my prattling was helpful."
Bella smiled slightly. It was small, but it was genuine. She had no doubt that Mrs. Webber cared for her.
"Alright, let's get some lunch and take a walk around," Mrs. Webber said as she smiled.
After enjoying a small meal with a delightful blush wine, the women left the restaurant and visited the Landings and Waterfront art galleries. Bella had not felt the kind of calm and peace she was feeling with Mrs. Webber since before she opened her door to Officer Tyler Crowley. Although she knew the weight would return, she reveled in its temporary lifting from her shoulders. She hadn't realized how tightly her muscles were clenched or how shallow her breathing had been until she felt herself relaxing as they chatted and marveled at the work of local artists.
As evening approached the women headed back to Forks. Bella didn't realize how tired she was until she sat down in Mrs. Webber's car. She relaxed into the seat and closed her eyes for just a moment. The next thing she knew, she was waking as Mrs. Webber pulled into Bella's driveway.
With a quick hug and a mention that she would be by with help at 10 the next morning, Mrs. Webber wished Bella a good night. She watched as Bella exited the car, gave a small smile at parting and headed toward the house. Once Bella was safely ensconced, she backed out of the drive and headed home.
At ten sharp the next morning, Mrs. Webber arrived with a battalion of helpers. She had a clear plan set to help Bella prepare for her move to Chicago the following week. Though there was much to do, there were enough people to help and support Bella that it was easily accomplished.
"I can't believe you brought so many people with you," Bella said. "When you told me you were bringing reinforcements, I thought you meant two or three additional people."
"Many hands make light work," Mrs. Webber stated emphatically.
"But why would they all be so willing to help me?" Bella asked as she looked around. She saw the faces of people she had known her entire life, some of whom she felt close to, others who were simply acquaintances and community members.
"Take a look around you, Bella. You may have lost your parents, but you still have a family. Each one of these people loves you. Even those you were never close to. They love you for who you are, and they love you because they, too, loved Charlie and Renee."
Bella sat on the arm of the couch that was directly behind her, and began to sob into her hands. She was overwhelmed by the care and concern of the people of her lifelong community. This is what living in a small town was all about. Certainly it could be difficult when everyone knows your business. Those same people though, were the ones who took care of you when you were in need. This is the part of Forks Bella would sorely miss when she was in Chicago. Wiping her tears and looking around once more, Bella took in the sight before her. The people she spent her life living among were the very same ones who made Forks home, even when she spent most her time in Seattle over the past four years.
Bella stood, hugged Mrs. Webber, and whispered a thank you into her ear.
"Why don't you go around and collect the things that are most important to you, that you want to keep with you," Mrs. Webber whispered to Bella.
"Already have," Bella affirmed. "I have pictures and important papers in a box in my bedroom. I have a few of Charlie's shirts that I loved to wear and some of Renee's jewelry. I also packed Charlie's badge and the flag that draped his coffin. The one thing I have absolutely no idea what to do with is his service revolver and other guns."
"Ok, sweetheart, how about you focus on your bedroom and I'll get everyone started on the rest of the house. I'll talk to Tyler about the guns and ask him to take care of them. Oh, and what about the books? "
"I've already filled two boxes with the ones I want to take to Chicago with me. I'll need to ship them before I leave."
"You leave on Wednesday, right?"
"Yeah, four more days."
"I'm planning on driving you to PA airport, so we can pack the books in my car and I'll UPS the boxes after I drop you off."
"That's really not necessary. I can . . ."
"I know you can take care of it yourself, but I'm more than happy to take care of it for you. It's not a problem and it's one less thing for you to worry about. I may not have had the same experience as you, but I do know what it's like to lose a parent. I can empathize a little, having lost my mother as a teenager. Let me do that one last thing for you, please."
"Ok," Bella said in a whimper.
As Bella headed up stairs to pack up her bedroom, Mrs. Webber rallied the troops and set them about their work. She sent a crew of people to each room of the house where they cleaned and packed. As the day came to a close the entire house was cleaned to the rafters, and all but the bare essentials Bella would need over the next few days were packed away.
On Tuesday, Mrs. Webber stopped by to help Bella load all her things into her car in preparation for taking Bella to the airport the next morning. They loaded Bella's luggage – two suitcases and a carryon, 3 boxes of books, and another 2 boxes of clothes and items for her apartment in Chicago.
It was decided that Bella would spend the night at the Webber's so they could leave directly to the airport. Mrs. Webber headed home while Bella walked through the house one more time, saying goodbye to her family and the many memories housed there. After an hour of reminiscing and tears, she closed up the house hopped in her old truck. She made one stop before going to the Webber home.
Pulling into the cemetery, Bella drove most of the way to Charlie and Renee's gravesites. She exited her truck and walked with her head down, toward the stones that marked the home of her parents' empty corpses. They're not here, Bella thought to herself.
Kneeling on the damp ground that was being taken over by the ever pervasive moss, she wiped the dirt off their gravestones and remained there for several moments. She didn't feel connected to Charlie or Renee as she knelt there; it was just a place. She stood, looked to the sky, whispered I love you, and headed back to her truck.
Shortly after arriving at the Webber's, Bella shared her graveside feelings with Mrs. and Pastor Webber. They each offered her words meant to comfort her, but her mind was not eased. After having spent most of the evening stuck in her own thoughts, Bella was about to go to bed when she approached Mrs. Webber.
"Mrs. Webber, would you mind if we got some flowers and stopped by the crash site on our way to PA tomorrow? I would like to leave a small, personal memorial in the last place Charlie and Renee were alive." Bella asked.
"I think that's a wonderful idea. We'll just leave earlier so you can do that."
Bella slept restlessly that night. All she could think about was her parents and how they would never see her marry or have children. She would be all alone in a new city with nowhere to call home since there would no longer be a reason to return to Forks, since her parents were gone.
When the time arrived for them to leave, Mrs. Webber first drove to a flower shop where Bella purchased flowers to lay at the crash site. She chose pink carnations to say "I'll never forget you," and sweet pea to say "good-bye."
Driving along Lake Crescent, Bella was becoming nervous as they approached the place where Charlie and Renee died. Mrs. Webber pulled to the side of the road and remained in the car as Bella stepped out to lay the flowers.
As she placed the flowers against the tree her parents impacted, she was overwhelmed by the feelings and thoughts that inundated her. She began speaking, hoping wherever they were, they could hear her.
"I miss you, Daddy. I miss you, Mom. I don't know how I will be able to do this without the two of you. Mrs. Webber has been so kind, but she's not you, Mom. I wish the two of you were driving me to the airport. I wish I had you to come home to. I wish you would be here to give me away when I get married, Daddy. Mom, I wish you would be able to spoil your grandchildren and teach them to find joy in life. I always take life so seriously, and you always helped me find a way to laugh at myself. How will I ever be able to laugh at myself again?
"Mom, Daddy, you were the most amazing parents a girl could ever have. I never doubted that you loved me with all your heart. I always knew I could rely on you to be there for me no matter what. I'll love you forever. You'll always be part of my heart and my soul. Please watch over me. Please be with me when I'm lost and alone. Please be with me when I experience joy and success. Please stay with me forever, wherever you are.
"I miss you. I love you. I will do my best at everything I do, so I can make you proud. I love you. I wish you were here. I miss you so much."
Bella sat and cried over the loss of her parents for a few more minutes before she kissed her fingertips and touched the flowers. "Good-bye, Mom. Good-bye, Daddy. I love you."
With her final good-byes to her parents, Bella returned to Mrs. Webber's car. Mrs. Webber gave her hand a squeeze and recommenced the drive to Port Angeles. As they drove along Mrs. Webber noticed a nondescript black sedan pull onto the road from the shoulder a few miles from where she and Bella had stopped. It was not unlike the sedan parked near the Stevenson's just the previous week. Her attention was piqued, but she said nothing to Bella.
When they arrived at the airport, Mrs. Webber stopped in front of the terminal to help Bella unload her luggage. She hugged Bella, kissed her cheek, and told her to never hesitate to call if she needed anything. Bella nodded and hugged Mrs. Webber one more time as she gave her thanks for all she had done. Mrs. Webber waved as she watched Bella enter the terminal, and then headed off to ship Bella's boxes.
Bella entered the terminal realizing she was about to embark on a new life, one where she knew no one and had only herself to rely upon. Steeling herself, she approached the ticket counter with a sense of foreboding and the knowledge that nothing would ever be the same again.