7Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Nor any of the character. I think we know that already...
Many thanks to Bryar for her beta work on this chap - THANK YOU!
6. Confusion
"It's all right to cry. It's all right to hurt. It's all right to be confused...
Hope will rebuild landmarks. Hope will outlive the broken hearts. Hope will outlive the disillusioned."
Alan Cox
It's already a few weeks after Valentine's Day. Since then, I am coping better and better. Maybe I finally started to listen to Edward. Maybe I finally accepted his help. The reasons are insignificant. The main point is, that I am getting better.
I tried to spend more time with my former friends these couple of weeks. I really tried. But they were dragging me back to the memories I tried not to awake, while I was out of Edward's office. I know sooner or later I have to learn to deal with it, but it isn't my time yet. I enjoyed as much fun as possible with Alice and Jasper instead. They gave me new memories. New, happy memories without the burden of my past. They were my unique kind of treatment. They made me forget. They made me free. And that's why I am waiting so eagerly for Alice to pick me up. It's Friday morning and we are leaving the town to celebrate her birthday. The destination: a cottage, near the Lake Crescent.
I hear the horn and run out from the house. My bag is bouncing on my shoulders. I reach the car and I find brightly smiling Alice and little moody Edward. The always perky Alice immediately jumps at the chance to crush the air out of my lungs and scream in my ear. „I am so happy you are coming. It just wouldn't be the same without you." And with that she let me breath again.
„Oh Alice, of course I am coming. How could I not! I am really looking forward to it." I say honestly and give her one more hug.
She smiles widely and looks at Edward with arched eyebrows. „See, I make her happy, so get off my back!" And just like that she takes my bag and put it in the back of the car. I look at Edward questioningly. He just shakes his head and responds to Alice.
„Great Alice, I see I can't tell you anything privately." He says disapprovingly.
„Is there a problem with me?" I ask, lost.
„No!" They whine in unison, which gets me only more frustrated. But they won't spoil my good mood.
„Okaaay." I say puzzled. "So, are we going then? I want to be there already! I love old cottages. They are so... so warm and comfy and homey. Oh, I can't wait." I am dreaming out loud. When I snap back to reality, two smiling faces are looking at me. Alice wears a smug smile while Edward's smile is more like defeated, but both are smiling, amused by my daydreaming.
„So lets get on the road." Edward demonstrates his excitement with a wink as he opens the car door for me. I step in and settle into the backseat. He takes his place in the driver's seat as Alice slides in the passenger seat.
„Yeah, because that wink was very professional." I don't hear her saying that to Edward.
EPoV
Bella's excitement wears off quickly, because she is asleep halfway to the cottage. How do I know? Because I watch her through the back mirror like a freaking creeper. But I can't help myself. She looks so serene sleeping there.
Instead of being happy by that sight, I get pissed, again, at Alice.
„I know you are happy I invited her. And don't try to tell me otherwise." Alice says quietly, as if reading my thoughts.
„It's not about what I want Alice, but about what is best for her! You don't get the whole picture of it, do you? Or, you don't want to. I can't be her friend Alice. As much as I might want just right that, I can't, if I am her shrink too." I respond.
„So don't be. Send her to someone else. Problem solved." She says it matter of factly.
„Do you even see how selfish you are? You want you to be happy in first place and you don't care at all about what's best for her." When did she become so egoistic?
„Because you are such a martyr Edward." She says more to herself.
„ I know what she have been through and I don't want her to suffer longer than she has to. I know, that if I send her to someone else it would take long time until he earns so much trust like she has now in me. I won't let her down."
„So you did think about sending her to someone else!" She states.
„No I did not!" I lie. She knows.
„I know you became friends with Bella. But we are walking fine line here. And if the time comes and I have to choose, it would be her good before all of ours. I am sorry Alice." I look at her apologetically, but she avoids my silent plea. She just looks out of the window with set teeth. I feel like I am in death end.
BPoV
„Bella... Bella... Beautiful..." I feel a warm touch on my cheek. I open my eyes reluctantly. I am rewarded with bright green eyes looking at me. I blink several times to wake myself into reality. Edward smiles widely and says: „We are here Bella, turn on your excitement." I giggle and give him a 100-mega watt smile. He laughs and gives me his hand for support to step out of the car.
„That's what I am looking for! Come on, Alice is already in." He says still laughing.
I turn around to see the cottage finally. It's a really small, cozy cottage, made out of wood but now mostly covered by snow. „Aww." It's all I master. Edward just shakes his head chuckling at me. Whatever.
Edward opens up the front door for me and I am immediately overflowed with the smell of burning wood, the aroma of cooked wine and the sound of laughter. This feels like home. I approach the room where the sounds come from and I am greeted with a united „Welcome!" There is Alice, Jasper and a tall blond girl I don't know. AND don't like immediately.
„Bella! Let me introduce you. This is Tanya, she is an old friend of Edward and I. Just a few days back we realized she is working in the same building as Jasper, such a coincidence." Alice is telling me about the blonde one. When she finishes, she turns to her and says:" Tanya, this is Bella, you know everything about her already." The introduction is apparently finished with that statement. I wish Alice could have said the same about Tanya.
„Nice to meet you." I reach out my hand. „Nice to meet you too." She almost sings, but I can see she is trying to figure me out already. Well, this will be "fun".
„Am I titled to be the porter for all of you or what?" Edward whines from behind my back. I turn around to look at him and I have to smile again. Three bags on his every limb. No, Tanya will not diminish this weekend.
„Of course Eddy boy, that's your little title of honor. You have definitely earned it in fair competition during those many years we spent here." The little bitch purrs and gives him a kiss on a cheek. Good mood. I am in a good mood. I chant it in my head like a mantra.
„Nice to hear that Tanya, but I don't want to fall off the stairs, so please everyone take your stuff upstairs." He met my gaze and moves his head in the direction of the said stairs.
„No prob." I take my stuff and aim for the stairs. I think the name „stairs" is just a joke. You have to be very careful to climb them and not to fall off them because they're so tiny. I walk up them, watching my every step and I only dare to look up when my foot is off the last step. There is no room. I froze. No room? There are just beds. They are only... 3... 3? 3! Someone bumps into me from behind.
„Honey you have to move on, so the others can come up too." Tanya pushes me a bit further since I don't reply.
„Three?" I say silently. Alice catches me watching the bed intently.
„Oh Bella, I forgot to tell you. Since the cottage is so tiny and we are really close friends we are used to move the beds near each other. We make like one giant bed and all of us sleep there together. It's like a sleepover." She winks at me. I blink. "It's really fun. But if you have a problem with it, we can leave out one bed just for you if you want?"
She looks at me questioningly... It can't hurt.
„No, no... I was just surprised, it's not problem for me.
„Great" She smiles widely. Tanya watches me weirdly again. I don't like her.
~8~8~**~8~8~
„Santa Claus?" I guess. He shakes his head no and does more movements with his hand.
„You are unpacking something." He signs something like „close, but not"...
„I don't know Edward!" I throw my hands in the air defeated. He is contemplating for a moment when Tanya shouts: „Ten seconds left!" Edward acts as if opening his zipper on his jeans. Opening the zipper of jeans, close to opening and closing something, bag...
„Hook and loop!" I shout.
„YEEES!" Edward bounces up and down and runs toward me to embrace me in hug. I jump up from the sofa and we scream together, delighted that we won the final round.
„Don't get too cocky you two." Jasper says. But I can say he is obviously enjoying the sight.
„You are just jealous" Edward and I respond in unison. This causes every one a fit of good laugh. When everyone calms down a bit I take my spot again and Edward joins me at the sofa. He pours cooked whine to all of us. When he place the empty jug on the table he says: "You greedy teenagers, we drunk all the wine we brought on first night!" Which make us all chuckle again. Yeah, we are pretty much drunk already. As we sip our last glass Alice and Edward share their memories on this cottage with their family. How Renee once broke her leg on that damn staircase and has refused to ever come here again. How another time they spent 3 hours just raking off the snow from the driveway and front door just to get in the house and some more.
As I finish my drink and wiped the tear from the corner of my eye, I decide it's time for me to go sleep.
„I don't think the evening will get any better than it already had, so I will head to bed." It's three in the morning. I know I will be tired tomorrow, if I don't get a good portion of sleep anytime soon.
„Yeah, it's pretty good idea." Jasper agrees and is followed by common agreement. We manage to get dressed into our pyjamas and wash as much as is possible with limited space and so many people.
I climb the stairs, the evil stairs, with the speed of drunken turtle, so I can freeze upstairs again. Where to lie? I shouldn't have been the first one here . . . But there is no one in sight, so I contemplate. I don't want to sleep near Jasper – I don't know him that well. And I don't want to be near Tanya, she freaks me the hell out. I don't mind sleeping close to Edward or Alice, but how to ensure that? I decide to approach the furthest end of the bed-row. There will be only one neighbour in my bed this way, it's fifty-fifty, so let's hope statistics will like me. I hop under the covers and wait. I hear talk and steps on the stairs. Few seconds later, I hear murmuring in the room.
„I am still up, you can talk normally." I state with closed eyes.
EPoV
„I don't want to sleep near her, you invited her." I state boldly as we are claiming the stairs.
„She is our friend Edward! You haven't anything against her so far."
But I have from now on. „She acted weirdly today. She is giving me these looks as if trying to seduce me or something. She is freaking the hell out of me." I almost whine.
„She won't dry hump you in your sleep! And don't you think even for a second I will let her sleep near Jasper." She glares at me.
„And I don't want her to sleep near Bella." I glare at her too.
"Oh my god Edward. Like a BABY! Really..." Yes, I broke her.
„I am still up, you can talk normally." Bella interrupts us. I hope she hasn't understood what we spoke about.
„We were just talking about the sleeping arrangement. Would you be too opposed if Edward sleep by your side?" Alice asks and my eyes almost pop out.
„Alice" I hiss.
„No, of course not, I wouldn't mind Edward nor you."
„Oh Alice, this is soo wrong..." I accuse her silently.
„This is the only solution, unless you want Jasper to lay by her side." She looks at me pointedly.
„Not that I do have anything against it. But I don't think she wouldn't feel very comfortable with that."
„Of course Edward, of course..." She winks at me and laughs. Nice Edward. Nice.
Alice turns off the lights and I approach the beds. I crawl through them until I reach Bella. At least we have 5 duvets. I lie down under the covers and lie on my back.
„Hey love, where should I lie?" Jasper voice is heard in the dark.
„Come here sunshine, you will lie between Edward and I. And Tanya will sleep on the other side of me. Jasper crawls to his spot and make himself comfortable.
„Edward, please be gentle, I am new to this whole experience." Jasper tells me with that fake gay accent. Alice giggles and I just roll my eyes. „Of course Jazz, I am always gentle with the new-borns." I say chuckling after a while. I am rewarded with feeling Bella laughing quietly beside me too.
„Heeey kids, you should have been asleep already." Tanya imitates an annoyed parent, which throws us off the edge again. All of us laugh whole-heartedly, until she joins us in the bed too. After we calm down sincere „Good nights" fill the room and then there is silence only.
I lie there for a while, watching the ceiling. I close my eyes, but the sleep is not coming. My habits take over me and I turn on my side reflexively. I feel the bed moving and a sweet smell invades my mind. I open my eyes and see her face in the light of the moon shining from behind the window. I smile. How beautiful she is. How different she looks from the first time I saw her. She was beaten up. Lifeless. Pale. Now she has blush in her cheeks. Her skin is glowing. Her lips are smiling more regularly. Her eyes gained some life too.
She opens her eyes and catches me watching her. She furrows her brows and mouths „creeper". I laugh. She chuckles too.
„Silence there," someone accuses me. I smile apologetically.
„Hi." I mouth.
„Hi." She mouths too.
I look in her deep brown eyes and I see hope in them. I see that she looks forward to another day. It's not a burden for her anymore.
Her eyes falter several times, until they close for the night finally. I watch her few more minutes as if to burn the sight in my head. A few moments before I fall to sleep too, I feel her hand clasping mine. I look at her for the last time so I can see if she is awake. Her eyes are closed, she is dreaming with a small smile on her lips, holding my hand.
I fall asleep . . . pleased.
~8~8~**~8~8~
APoV
As I jump off the bed I catch a glimpse of their hands. They are so perfect for each other. I hope they solve this sooner than later. I look at Jasper and see his worry. He doesn't share the same view on this, but I know he can't repress the romantic in him. Psychologist, or not. He feels there is something in between them too.
~8~8~**~8~8~
EPoV
„Are you insane? They can throw you out from the association! They can sue you!" Tanya is in my face.
„What are you talking about?" I drag her aside.
„What am I talking? Are you serious? You and Bella! Are you aware that your whole career is at stake?"
„My career? What the fuck are you talking about?" Alice shouldn't have invited her!
„Oh my god, don't play this one on me. I am just trying to warn you. I see how she reacts to you, how she feels about you. But don't be ridiculous. You know it's because you are her psychologist for Christ sake! You can't use her trust like that. I know you know the truth. You see she has just idealized you as her hero. You. Can't. Be. With. Her." She repeatedly pokes her finger into my chest.
„Are you insane? Do you have a jealousy tantrum or what are you talking about? There is nothing between us! It was Alice's idea to call her over her, not mine!" I almost scream at her.
„I am not jealous! I tried to seduce you to see how you feel about her. And I saw you have it bad for her! You think I haven't seen her holding your hand in the morning? And how casual you were towards each other yesterday evening? I can't believe you are believing your own bullshits." She shakes her head disapprovingly. I don't know what to tell her.
„Edward," she looks in my eyes with pity „you know she is not in love with you. You know her feelings aren't based on who you are. She doesn't know you! You might have true feelings for her, but that doesn't change anything. You have to deal with it and let her go. She can't be with you. You can't be with her. If you really want to help her heal, you have to set her free from you." Her words stab me in my heart, but I know she is right.
BPoV
I wake up to the empty room in the morning. I guess everyone is up already then. I shuffle my eyes and head for the living room. The breakfast is already prepared, waiting on the table for me to eat it. My wistful look at the fancy meal is momentarily distracted by angry voices coming from the kitchen. I look around and spot Edward and Tanya in heated conversation. I look questioningly back to the living room. Jasper and Alice are on the loveseat in warm embrace, watching some morning show. They just shrug their shoulders and cuddle further. I decide it's not the time yet for me to ruin my day, so I decide to plop in the armchair and eat.
Although I try my best to keep good mood and fun in this place of heaven, I am failing miserably. After Tanya and Edward finished whatever they were talking about, he started to behave very strangely. He hasn't spoken to me unless I addressed him specifically. He also decided not to join us in an afternoon walk around the place, which caused another heated conversation, but with Alice this time. I was, of course, kept in the dark about what the hell is going on again.
The rest of the day I spent with Jasper and Alice, walking around the woods, chatting, building a snowman and just having a good time.
"Why did you ride up here with Edward and I when you could have rode with Jasper?" A question pops in my head. Alice intertwines our arms and explains. "Jasper and Tanya were in a conference in Port Angeles together, so they headed right in here from there." That makes sense."She is a psychologist too?" I ask intrigued. She laughs.
"Actually, she is. It's awesome being in a house with three shrinks, isn't it?" Just great. So let's move on to the more complicated questions.
"Why doesn't Tanya like me? I don't know, shouldn't the psychologist be the one to try to understand you, to not give in to the first impression, or however I got into her "dislike" zone?" Alice's smile falter.
"I am sorry you feel like she doesn't like you. It's not the truth. She just tries to protect her family, to protect Edward."
"Protect him from whom? From me?" I stop in my steps. There is warm hand around my shoulders. Jasper appears on my other side and we reassume our walk.
"She tries to protect Edward from himself. He should be the responsible her, he is responsible for both of you while you are in treatment. She doesn't have anything against you. She just tries to open Edward's eyes so he sees clearly." Jasper tries to defend her. I am more confused.
"But have I done something wrong? Has Edward done something wrong?" I am alarmed suddenly.
"Well, yes and no. He is very close to overstepping his duties." Jasper answers, but I still don't get what it's all about.
"Bella, honey." Alice stops and looks in my eyes. "Just forget about it right now. I am sure Edward will bring up the topic when the time comes. Don't make any wrinkles on that cute face of yours because of that right know. Let's just enjoy the time we have left here. Won't we? It's my birthday, anyway! So I am the only one who can be pissed at how those two behave right now!" She tries to look sad, but she fails miserably. Instead she gives us a radiant smile. I have an idea.
"Will you close your eyes for a second?" I ask Alice with big pleading eyes. I know she won't resist. She watches me intently but give up shortly.
"But don't you dare to throw snow at me!" She speaks with closed eyes already.
"No worries shorty." I drag Jasper aside, where I explain him my intention. He is pleased.
Few minutes later we are done.
"Love, open your eyes." Jasper says and we both start singing.
"Happy birthday too you, happy birthday too you, happy birthday dear Aaaliice, happy birthday too you." We stand in front of her, with the cake made out of snow, decorated with M&M's and 10 matches sticked in it, slowly burning out.
Alice had tears in her eyes immediately, clasping her hands approvingly.
"Let's make a wish before there isn't a candle to blow out." She looks me in the eyes and blows all of them at once.
"Thank you. I love you, both." She says sincerely and embraces us both in a warm hug. When she releases us I throw away the matches from the cake I still hold in my hands and say:
"So let's get rid of the tears in our eyes and have some more fun, shall we?"
"Yes please!" She smiles.
"If you say so." I smile too and throw the whole snow cake into her face.
"You did not!" She launches at me and we fall together into the snow, where Jasper joins us in a second too. We are thoroughly wet in a few minutes but having fun like little kids.
The fairy-tale is over however as soon as we walk the door later. There is this tension you can almost touch hanging around. Alice and Jasper decide to cook us delicious lasagna. I am frozen to bones by the chill outside, so I decide to take a shower meanwhile.
After a polite conversation between the three of us during the dinner, leaving Edward and Tanya to their own thoughts, we settle to watch a movie and call an early night. Since I showered already, I only brush my teeth, claim the stairs and jump into my spot. I cover myself in the duvet from tip to toe, eager to find the desired sleep. I watch the moon behind the window while the rest of us take their places. I feel the bed shifts by my side, but I don't give it a second thought. There is a common "good night" again as if the day wasn't as weird as it was.
I turn myself on the side with my face to Edward. I open my eyes and see him looking at me again. I don't understand him. He ignored me all day long, so why is he doing this again? I mouth „creeper" again anyway. He smiles slightly and reaches his hand to my cheek. He moves his thumb across my cheek several times and mouth „sorry". Suddenly he freezes and his expression is shocked. He hides his hand immediately under the covers. I am confused. Again. He is looking at me with the same look Tanya was giving me the whole week. Trying to figure me out. I have had enough of it, so I turn around in the bed.
~8~8~**~8~8~
I wake up in the middle of the night because I am hot. The hotness is radiating from around my torso. The covers store the heat so good. I try to move to let some air under them, but I can't. I open my eyes to see what's holding me when I recognize hand around my stomach, attached to a body pressed against my back. I feel warm breath and cold nose on the back of my neck. I turn my head just a bit to see a familiar hair. Edward. He is so confusing. But who am I to judge? I snuggle closer to him. I feel comfortable. I feel safe. I take his hand in my own and keep it closer to my heart. I fall asleep immediately.
I would really appreciate, if you share some of your thoughts with me.