STORY ONE

Summary: We get a manipulative Dumbledore's view on things… sort of.


Dumbledore's last week on earth was not going very smoothly. First off his hand chosen successor was too incompetent to figure out the locations of Voldemort's horcruxes off the bat, McGonagall had pretty much left him to help Granger "study" every night, and the school's board of governors had dropped his lemon drops from the budget in order to fill a huge deficit. Though he was somewhat surprised at how much cutting his lemon drops from the budget saved the school in a single month, which was even more astonishing considering how cheap the candies were. He seriously couldn't have eaten several thousand galleons worth of lemon drops at only a knut a pound.

He seriously thought about offing himself right now, just to make the withdrawals go away. How could the board of governors not know that those lemons were all he lived for? Not only were they the only reason he got up, they were the only reason he woke up in the morning.

Harry Potter came rushing into his office. This never ended well. Why couldn't the lad just learn to take care of things by himself? Dumbledore put on a happy face that looked so faked a blind man could see it; and Potter, being as unobservant as he was, failed to realize the insincerity of the headmaster's smile.

"Professor Dumbledore…" Harry began to rush through some story of importance. To be honest Dumbledore didn't care, and had never really listened to him ever. He'd just nod his head, and wait for Harry to finish talking before saying his usual speech.

"Harry I'm glad you told me, however I would suggest we do nothing about it until I have time to look into it further. Now you should leave before lights out." Dumbledore said as he pushed the young wizarding hero out of the office.

"What the fuck?" Harry asked himself "What's there to investigate, McGonagall and Hermione asked us to an orgy." Harry said to himself as he ran towards the transfiguration teacher's classroom.


STORY 2

Summary: In which Harry is bad ass, ultra powerful, and has a huge harem; all of which is somehow completely unnoticed by the teachers, especially our favorite old manipulator.


Harry smiled as several girls pointed at him and giggled loudly. Yep last night had been good. So good in fact that he was still smoking a cigar. In front of McGonagall, who appeared not to notice him, or the fact that pretty much every girl in the school was talking about their exploits with the boy who lived. Because you know even ten feet away teachers are teachers and never really listen or pay attention to students at all. Hell Harry had killed Malfoy a month ago in the Great Hall and no one seemed to notice. And Harry didn't have to worry about Dumbledore ever reading his mind again, because he had become a successful legilimens.

So naturally because he had all that power he was going to put it to good use. First he would create an army out of volunteers who practically came out of nowhere and joined just because they all believed Dumbledore was a lying bastard. Then he would increase the ranks of his harem, because well… a man has to have his priorities set straight. Finally he would use his connection to Voldemort to track down all of the horcruxes in an instant and promptly destroy them, while simultaneously killing Dumbledore, increasing the size of his harem, taking down the Ministry of Magic, and setting up a new world order in which every woman who was attractive became a part of his harem.

"Dumbledore needs to see you right away Harry." McGonagall said, snapping Harry out of his thoughts.

"Yes ma'am." He said as he packed his things and left.

"How come I only get stuck with Dumbledore?" McGonagall asked herself as the apparently gifted Mr. Potter walked away "Why can't I join someone's harem?"

"Sir you wished to see me?" Harry asked the old headmaster.

"Yes Harry I need to see you. Apparently Voldemort is up to something inexplicably evil, which I can't tell you because I don't know what it's really about." Dumbledore said

"Stupid boy he's buying it. I wonder if he would do those things Grindelwald used to do…" Harry read the headmaster's thoughts. He quickly cursed himself as hideous images flashed through the gay headmaster's old perverted head. Screw it, he was going to mess up his plans, but at least he would never have to see that again.

"Avada Kadavra!" Harry yelled.


Author's notes (mostly for idiots, but some of it may actually be of use to everone else)

No that is not a typo when I say "Not only were they the only reason he got up, they were the only reason he woke up in the morning". In the event you still don't get it look at the fic's rating and use your imagination.

No I will never ever go into detail about sex. Enough said.

Ok I want everyone to know, especially you kids who still haven't graduated high school, your teachers aren't deaf, just because you say something to your best friend right next to you or text behind you backpack doesn't mean they don't know what's going on, it's fairly obvious. If you were smart enough to realize that already then good for you; you've seen a major error common to many fics.

No that is not a typo either, while it is actually an occulmens who can hide things in their minds, I decided to see exactly who would catch it.

Ok another major problem with manipulative Dumbledore fics is that Harry not only quickly learns to become an occulmens, but somehow gains the experience to deceive Dumbledore when he reads Harry's mind. Because it's not like the most powerful wizard in the world doesn't have over one hundred years of experience, compared to Harry's several hours, days, weeks, or at most a month.

Harems… They seem like a good idea now, but when you've got a hundred kids/ STDs and a bunch of angry mothers/women you've infected asking for child support/hush money, don't come crying to me/asking for the treatment.

Yes I know this is an over the top, and includes some stuff that is not strictly limited to manipulative Dumbles fics, but hey it's still funny right? So if you want to help me make this better send your ideas, I'll try and incorperate them into future stories.

signed the good dr.