WOW, it's been a while. Sorry for not posting for a while, everyone. Here are some new musical parodies! ...very, very loose ones, of course.


If you've read any other "Calvin at Camp" story, you know how they all start and this is no exception. All together now...IT WAS A NORMAL DAY AT CAMP. Now that that's out of the way, here's what was going on.

Calvin was pacing and scheming yet again in the corner of the main room, alongside his faithful tiger Hobbes, who preferred to sit back and watch these things play out from a distance.

"Okay, Hobbes," Calvin was saying, "I've been going over all of our get-rich-quick ideas, and I think I've finally figured out the problem!"

"They're poorly thought-out?"

"NO! They're brilliantly thought-out! I'm the one who thought them out, remember? What we need here isn't a get-rich-quick plan, it's a get-rich-moderately-fast plan! Everyone starts out slow, and I know where we can start from!"

"From the slums like in Rocky?" guessed Hobbes.

"No...remember how we hacked into the public access channel when Eddy made a game show?"

Hobbes nodded. "Vaguely. That was a pretty good episode."

"Think about it..." grinned Calvin.

(To the tune of "An English Teacher")

Calvin: Just public access, but it's still something

The big stars see it as simply a dumb thing

And yet we have to start out small I know

And we will be Calvin and Hobbes

The greatest Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin and Hobbes present the newest hit

A public access show!
"So what exactly is the subject of our show going to be?" Hobbes asked suspiciously.

"Who else?" Calvin smiled broadly. "Me!"

"I think we'll need a bigger hook."

"What's THAT supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. But I'd keep looking."

Calvin: Just public access, but it's still something

The big stars see it as simply a dumb thing

And yet we have to start out small I know

And we will be Calvin and Hobbes

The greatest Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin and Hobbes present the newest hit

A public access show!
-

Coincidently, Jason and Marcus were sitting by the gym, thinking thoughts along the same lines. They were lounging on a couple of lawn chairs that they had set up, reading some comics, and casually thinking about how they could get famous themselves.

"How are the funds for our Star Wars theme park idea?" asked Jason.

Marcus checked a chart. "We made it to the double digits."

"Slow but steady, I guess," sighed Jason. "There's gotta be something else, though."

They both said nothing for a few minutes.

"...an off-broadway production!" Marcus suddenly cried.

"No."

This was followed by more silence. Finally, Marcus had another idea. "I think I heard someone mention a public access show."

Jason immediately perked up. "Yeah, and it could star Quincy. He IS everyone's favorite lizard, after all! We gotta start our campaign..."

(To the tune of "A Lot of Livin' To Do")

Jason: There's a world that would love this lizard

And we might just make a buck or two

And Quincy will storm them all like a blizzard

We've got some advertizing to do

Marcus: Some gecko can sell car insurance

And if he can do it, we can do it too

Quincy's got a lotta endurance

We've got some advertizing to do

Quickly, the boys hopped out of their chairs and ran into the art room to grab some supplies.

While all this was happening, things were otherwise running fairly normally at camp. The Eds were running from the Kankers, Lucy was pulling the football away from Charlie Brown, Schroder was playing beautiful music...and Kevin was attempting to flirt with Nazz, and doing quite decently at that. At this moment, the two were hanging out in the gym, where Kevin was doing tricks with a basketball.

"You're the coolest, Kev," gushed Nazz.

"Don't I know it," said Kevin, trying to play it smooth. "So Nazz, you wanna do something tonight?"

"Ooh, like what?"

Before Kevin could reply, Calvin jumped between the two of them. "Like tune in to Calvin TV!"

Kevin twitched a little. "Get...lost," he hissed.

Ignoring his anger, Calvin put his arm around Kevin. "Kevin, I'll level with ya. I've been around the block. A couple blocks, actually. Me and Hobbes like to ride around in our wagon. But seriously, you're still young. These are the best years of your life. Don't blow 'em on this bimbo."

"Bimbo?" cried Nazz, outraged.

Calvin shrugged. "No offense."

Calvin: You're a boy

A jerk, but still male

And the fun times in life

Well, there's just a few

So enjoy

Instead of grabbing tail

You've got a lot of livin' to do!

Angrily, Kevin swung a punch at Calvin, who quickly ducked and ran away, calling "Remember, Calvin TV! Any publicity is good publicity!"

Jason and Marcus, who were just coming back with a ton of posters heard the tail end of this. "Ain't that the truth!" agreed Jason.

Jason: There are posters to hang

Marcus: Don't forget commercials to air

Oh Quincy, we'll get you there

As the song continued, Jason and Marcus began to flood the gym with as many posters and drawings that they could and eventually got into an elaborate dance routine...right between Kevin and Nazz.

Jason and Marcus: On TV

Your favorite iguana

Not mention lovable nerds too

Come and see

You know that you wanna

We've got some advertizing

Calvin: Also a lot of livin'

Jason, Marcus and Calvin: We've got some advertizing to do!

"WILL YOU DORKS JUST GET OUT OF HERE?" Kevin finally shouted.

"Tell all your friends!" smiled Marcus and he and Jason happily scampered off.

Kevin was fuming. Here he was, about to score a date, an actual DATE WITH NAZZ, when these dorks had to DANCE in and ruin it! Not once, but twice! Even if that song was really catchy...but no. He was so steamed up, that he seemed to be unable to move. He simply stood there and growled at the space that had previously occupied Jason and Marcus.

After a few moments of silence, Nazz murmured, "Uhh...maybe I should go." With that, she slipped off.

A few seconds afterwards, Kevin's anger finally faded away. He turned back to Nazz...and realized she was gone. "Nazz, wait!" he called. Then, in anguish, he screamed "DORKS!" which echoed through the halls.

While Kevin had a meltdown, Moe was walking along through the halls, minding his own business for a change, not that there was too much on his mind, anyhow. Out of nowhere, Calvin rushed up and heartily slapped him on the back. "Hey, Moe! How's life treating you?"

Like a clockwork reaction, Moe punched Calvin, sending him flying back into the main room, splattering against a wall that Hobbes was sitting next to.

"That was worth it," Calvin whispered to Hobbes.

Indeed, Calvin had actually managed to stick a piece of paper on Moe's back advertizing Calvin TV. Success!

It was then that out of complete coincidence that Kevin happened to pass Moe in the hallway, while he was looking for some particular dorks to pound. As he walked by, Kevin noticed the paper on Moe's back. "Uh, Moe?"

"What?"

Kevin pulled the paper off of Moe and handed it to him. "Hey, what's this supposed to be?" grumbled the large bully.

Kevin turned the paper over.

"Oh," said Moe, reading it the right way. "That twinkie's usin' me as a refrigerator to hang his stupid pictures on?"

"He's trying to show off something," muttered Kevin. "I don't know what. But I'm getting really sick of those..."

(To the tune of "Kids")

Kevin: Dorks

I don't know what's up with these dorks we've got

Dorks

If they like something, you know it will rot

Dorks

Annoying little toying nerdy geeks

Drippy dweeby sickly needy wusses

Moe: I never liked 'em either

Both: Dorks

Kevin: They should be shipped off to some other place

Both: Dorks

Kevin: They'd pobl'y like it in outer space

Moe: Why can't they be like cool kids?

Kevin: Just not as cool as me

Both: Why'd they have to be so dorky?

Happy to vent a little bit, they both walked back into the main room to find that it was covered wall-to-wall with posters for Calvin TV and Quincy's Show. Some of the kids even had posters hung on them.

Kevin narrowed his eyes. "That's it."

A few seconds later, Calvin, Jason, and Marcus found themselves sitting on the pavement, having been thrown out by Kevin and Moe.

"And stay out!" yelled Kevin.

"Hey," Calvin called back angrily, "why didn't you throw Hobbes out?"

The stuffed tiger flew out immediately after this. "Thanks a lot," growled Hobbes. "He didn't throw ME out because I didn't do anything!"

"C'mon, Hobbes, we're a team!" Calvin said encouragingly. "We've gotta get that show!"

Jason turned to the boy and the tiger. "Wait a second, you're doing a show too?"

"How did you not know about each other's shows?" cried Hobbes. "You hung up posters together, you sang together..."

Marcus shrugged. "We must have just overlooked each other, I guess."

"Well, I bet our show is better than yours!" challenged Calvin.

"You're on!" Jason shot back.

"Why not combine the shows?" said Hobbes.

Calvin paused. "Combine the shows?"

"Hey, we could be twice as good!" said Marcus.

Jason nodded eagerly. "AND twice as long, which is even better!"

(To the tune of "One Boy")

All four: One show

One giant show

One entertaining

With really

Good ratings

One show

That everyone will see

"Now the key is still advertizing," said Jason. "We've gotta get back in there, because me and Marcus had a second step to our plan!"

"Wow, two steps," said Calvin, genuinely impressed. "Hobbes, we could learn from this."

"You never learn from things," replied Hobbes.

They peeked inside to see Moe standing guard at the door.

"What do we do now?" whispered Marcus.

"I've got an idea," said Calvin. He bravely walked forward, heart on his sleeve and...poked Moe, who fell over a second later.

"I was hoping he was asleep," Calvin explained to the others. "You can't see his eyes, so it's kinda hard to tell. We got lucky."

"Okay," said Jason, "now we have to get into the office and get on the loudspeaker. We need some kind of diversion..."

"Jonny and Plank's penny dance?" suggested Jonny, who seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"NO," said everyone else.

"Jerks." Jonny stomped off.

"I believe you can leave this one to me," said Hobbes, who strolled outside.

"SQUIRRELS! THERE ARE SQUIRRELS LOOSE! EVERYONE PANIC! PANIC IN A REALLY HAPHAZARDLY WAY!"

Pandemonium broke out, naturally. This was not a bluff. There were really squirrels loose in the Rec Center, courtesy of Hobbes.

"I've gotta say, Hobbes," Jason complimented as they moved through the panicked employees in the hall, "you're really great at catching squirrels."

"It's a feline thing," said Hobbes, studying his claws. "Plus, it helps that the squirrels here are crazy already."

"Now let's carry out the rest of plan!" cried Marcus.

They easily snuck into the office and found the building's speaker system.

"Okay," said Jason, "now to broadcast our incredibly catchy song over the intercom so the whole building will know about our show!"

"Do you think people will mind?" wondered Hobbes.

The speakers were currently playing "The Hamster Dance."

"No," replied Calvin.

They put a CD into the system. "We recorded this right before we were kicked out," explained Jason.

(To the tune of "We Love You, Conrad")

Jason and Marcus (over the speakers) We love you, Quincy

You're oh, so green

We love you Quincy

We think you're keen

If people don't like you

They're mean

Oh, Quincy

You're serene!

The song went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

"Now we play the waiting game," Jason said with a satisfied smile.

Outside of camp, a car arrived. It was the usual pick-up time for Jason. Usually a counselor was waiting outside to greet the parents and to then fetch the child, but today there was no one. It's hard to maintain a normal routine when your building is overrun with wild squirrels. And it was this reason that Mrs. Andy Fox sent her daughter Paige in to find Jason, which the teenage girl did, very grudgingly.

Inside the main room, everyone was going crazy. Partially it was because of the aforementioned rampaging squirrels, but also because the "We Love You Quincy" song was just that annoying.

"Make it stop!" moaned Linus, as he banged his head against the wall.

Jimmy crawled by, apparently in intense pain. "My ears, Sarah! I think they're bleeding!"

Kevin was the only one who wasn't launched into hysterics by all of this. Instead, he simply lowered his eyes and growled one word: "Dorks."

Those dweebs had been bugging people all day long and now Kevin was going to put a stop to it! He stomped into the halls towards the office, ignoring the screaming people and rampaging squirrels. If he couldn't find Jason and the others, then perhaps the head counselor could use her own authority to end all of these annoyances.

"Excuse me, kid..." said a voice behind Kevin as he was reaching the office.

Kevin turned around. In front of him was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Even more than Nazz! The lovely Paige Fox. Kevin couldn't speak for a second.

After a few more brief moments of silence, Paige asked. "What's up with that annoying song?"

Kevin quickly composed himself. He had to act cool. "A couple dorks are playing it. They're always bugging us. I can't stand them."

"Sounds like one of them's my brother," muttered Paige.

"Oops." Had Kevin blown it already?

"Nah, don't worry," said Paige. "Me and my brother smack him around all the time. He's such a dork!"

If just seeing Paige before wasn't an instant turn-on, then this was! "Did you say dork?" Kevin gasped in joyous amazement. "I ALWAYS call them that!"

"Hey, you've got good judgement!"

Both: Dorks

Kevin: Those guys just don't know how to have real fun

Both: Dorks

Paige: If you think that's bad, try to live with one

I could care less for hobbits

Elves, wizards, trolls and orcs (What are those?)

Both: What's the matter with all these dorks?

"Wow," Kevin thought to himself, "our first duet...sweet..."

"Well, I'll go stop him," said Paige, walking off to find Jason, unaware that Kevin was again in his lovesick trance, swooning over the angel that had waltzed into his once meaningless life.

Calvin ran by, being chased down by a pack of squirrels. "Kevin! I don't like you but you gotta know that there are somehow even MORE squirrels than there were before and a raccoon got in too and it's HORRIBLE! RUN! RUN!"

But despite the turmoil around him, Kevin remained in his fantasies. A soft song played in his mind.

One girl, one special girl

One girl to go with

And talk with and walk with

One girl

That's the way it should be


Ahh, this brings back some memories. Back when I went to the camp that inspired these stories, I remember setting up some chairs with friends at the edge of a gymnasium and reading comics. Coincidentally, I believe the comics were Calvin & Hobbes and Foxtrot.

Oh, and our squirrels ARE crazy. The geese are too. Yeesh.