The next day after the squirrels (and a couple raccoons, a possum, and a goose) were cleared out of the rec center, things were normal again at camp. Aside, of course, from the hundreds of posters lining the hallways.
Kevin took a deep breath as he walked into the main room. Jason and Marcus were already here. Slowly, he walked over to the boys.
"So you think Quincy can pull off the kickline himself?" Marcus was asking.
Jason shrugged. "Eh, he's got four legs."
Kevin cleared his throat, trying to ease the awkwardness of the situation. "Uh...dudes?"
"DON'T HURT US!" screamed the two in response.
"Whoa, chill," said Kevin, bewildered at their reaction. "I was just gonna ask you about your sister, Jason."
"Paige? What about her?"
After an awkward silence (they were having a lot of those lately) Kevin finally managed to ask "...does she have a boyfriend?"
"Pfft, no," laughed Jason. "Who'd wanna date her?"
Naturally, another long moment of silence followed this.
"Hold on for one second," Jason told him when he finally realized what Kevin was trying to say. Grabbing Marcus, the two nerdier boys scurried into the hall.
"Can you imagine Kevin and Paige going steady?" whispered Marcus.
Jason's eyes widened. "Going steady...going steady...going steady..." he mumbled.
"Snap out of it!" cried Marcus.
Jason managed to get back to earth. "Right, right. Kevin's clearly out of his mind. ANYONE who wanted to date Paige would be. I don't know who I'd pity more in the situation, actually."
"I'd pity you," Marcus said in a matter-of-fact sort of way. "You'd have to see Kevin twice as much."
Jason's eyes widened again. "Going steady...going steady..."
A few seconds later, they returned to Kevin. "So...for some insane reason, you've got a thing for my sister," said Jason.
Kevin nodded. "Yeah, what's she like?"
(To the tune of "A Healthy Normal American Boy")
Jason: What is she like...You ask what she's like
She'd kill me if I told truth
But I'll tell you what she's like
She is snide and scaly
So ferocious, she could tear you limb from limb
Marcus: We knew one guy-tried to kiss her
Pity what happened to him
For she's a fire-breathing, whacked, psychotic, acid-spitting
"What happened to the guy?" asked Kevin.
"Too disturbing for words," shuddered Jason. "Instead, we'll just sing this little ditty we wrote. Perhaps you've heard it..."
Jason and Marcus: We love you, Quincy
You're oh, so green
We love you Quincy...
Kevin punched them both and stomped away.
"I think he got the point," groaned Marcus.
"Yeah," agreed Jason. "That was a friendly-type punch, right?"
"Remember, Kevin!" Marcus called.
Both: She's a half-Dementor, Dalek-minded, terrifying
"...and she eats people," added Jason.
Later, Jason and Marcus were hanging out in Jason's room, wondering if they had made Paige sound too attractive in their song when they heard a knock on the door.
"Ye gads," Jason whispered, looking out the window. "Marcus, we're in trouble!"
"The squirrels are back?"
"Worse. KEVIN'S at the door..."
Marcus peeked out as well. Yes, it was indeed Kevin standing at the door, looking uncharacteristically nervous. To the boys' horror, Paige answered the door.
"Oh no..." gasped Jason as they watched the scene unfold. "He's actually asking her out! I'm gonna faint, Marcus!"
"Looks like she's letting him down gently," Marcus observed.
"So my sister does have some common sense!"
Below, Kevin sadly began to walk away when he noticed Jason and Marcus watching him. He glared.
"We may not be off the hook," muttered Marcus.
And Marcus was right. Kevin's heart was broken. And since he couldn't take his frustrations out on Paige, he would have to settle for her brother and her brother's best friend. The next day, all Kevin did was look for Jason and Marcus, who stayed way out of sight when they saw the baseball bat he was holding.
(To the tune of "What Did I Ever See in Him?")
Kevin: What did I ever see in her?
How did I ever fall with just one look?
Now I'm stealing back that love she took
What did I ever see in her?
Boy, that whole moment is a blur
She dumped me on the curb with all the trash
Now I'm mending my poor heart she smashed
What did I ever see in her?
Jason: Is he angry?
Marcus: Yes he is!
Jason: Is he seething?
Marcus: Yes he is!
Jason: Is he crazy?
Marcus: Yes, gee whiz! Why does he take it out on us?
Kevin: Why did she even lead me on?
Well, to be honest we'd only just met
But I had a feeling that we would get
Closer as time went by
Jason and Marcus: We're freaked out, really scared, asking why
Why did he ever?
Kevin: How did I ever?
All Three: What did I/he ever she in her?
Seeing as Jason and Marcus were tangled up with all of this Paige business, they couldn't help Calvin with the TV special. Calvin, Hobbes, and Quincy sat in a corner of the main room where there was less mayhem than the other areas and put their heads together to think.
Actually, Quincy just kind of sat there. He was adorable, though.
"We have to do something, Hobbes!" cried Calvin. "The Calvin and Quincy Variety Hour will never get made if Kevin keeps chasing them around!"
Hobbes sighed. "I doubt you'd understand, but Kevin is heartbroken. If we can fix him up with someone, maybe he'll lay off of Jason and Marcus."
"Right! We're calling an emergency GROSS Club meeting!"
A few seconds later, the boy, the tiger, and the iguana were all wearing newspaper hats.
"Now let's see," pondered Calvin. "Who should we dump Kevin on?"
"How about Nazz?" suggested Hobbes. "They've always had sort of a thing going on."
"Nah, too obvious."
"It's obvious because I'm right."
"You're just not a risk-taker, Hobbes."
"And you're just not someone who uses logic."
"Good, it's settled!" cried Calvin. "We line up a bunch of dates for Kevin! I've got some good ideas, too."
About half and hour later, Kevin was still prowling the halls looking for Jason and Marcus, who were dangling from some pipes on the gym ceiling at the time. They looked down nervously to see Kevin enter the large room and look around for the two boys.
Kevin probably wouldn't have noticed them on the ceiling, except Jason's shoe fell off and hit Kevin on the head. Kevin angrily looked up and pulled out a baseball to smack at them (he did have good aim), when Calvin ran over. "Kevin! Great news! Follow me!"
Calvin dragged Kevin out before he could get Jason and Marcus down. Needless to say, the tougher boy was not happy about the little interruption. "You DORK! I was just about to..."
"Hobbes and I were talking and we agreed that you could use some psychiatric help, along with a date. So we got you BOTH!"
Kevin was so confused that he didn't realize that Calvin had led him down the hall to Lucy's psychiatrist booth.
(To the tune of "How Lovely to be a Woman")
Calvin: We heard that you need a woman
So we went and ordered some
Lucy: You might think the idea's sexist
Or old-fashioned, bad or dumb
And yet these three girls are willing
They thought this was a great plan
They've got issues with their "boyfriends"
They want to hold a man!
(The Kankers jump out)
Lee: It's wonderful to squeeze
May: A fella by his knees
Maries: Nothing's like the bliss of a kiss
Kankers: From Lees and Mays and Maries
We heard that you need a woman
You'll sure make out on the deal
You've been blessed with us three sirens
Now let's make out for real
We'll send you into a total ecstasy
Now you have got a woman times three!
Kevin managed to get out of their grasp. "Calvin, you DORK!"
"Eh," sighed Marie, "it just ain't the same."
May nodded. "He doesn't smell like my Ed does."
"Yeah, you're right," agreed Lee. "Let's go see our REAL boyfriends!"
While the Kankers left, Kevin had Calvin backed up against the wall. "Hey," stammered Calvin. "I got you three girls! Can't you show some gratitude?"
"I'll show you gratitude..." growled Kevin.
"Hold on, hold on!" Calvin managed to gasp out nervously. "I lined up some more girls for you!" He motioned to Peppermint Patty, Marcie, and Snoopy (who was in a wig).
Kevin's response was simple and predictable. He punched Calvin and left. Surprisingly, Lucy wasn't even mad that he didn't pay. "Well, that was worth it," she said to herself. "Plus I got to sing."
Calvin, Jason, and Marcus sat in the shallow end of the pool, soaking their bruised bodies. Kevin was not in a good mood.
"I don't get it," moaned Calvin. "How come he doesn't beat up YOU, Hobbes?"
Hobbes, unhurt, was relaxing by the pool's edge. "Because he knows I'm not the one who comes up with all the dumb ideas?"
Calvin shook his head. "Nah. If that was the reason, then he wouldn't hit Double D so much."
"Maybe he's just afraid of me then," guessed Hobbes.
"We'll keep that in mind," said Jason. "We might need a good defense system later."
"Sure coulda used one earlier," Marcus muttered to himself.
With a huge splah, all three Eds collapsed into the pool next to the boys. They didn't look very good, either.
Ed was the first to surface. "I'm beat, guys."
Double D followed. "Pain...pain..."
Eddy was the last one up. "Thanks a lot, Calvin!" he growled.
"What did I do?" whined Calvin.
"We weren't even IN this episode till you brought the Kankers into the plot!" cried Eddy. "We might have gotten a break otherwise!"
"Calm down, Eddy," Double D sighed. "I feel we have things a bit easier in these stories here than on our normal show."
"Yup," nodded Ed. "Breakin' the fourth wall."
"Well," said Marcus, "as long as you guys are here, maybe you can help us. We need to get Kevin off of our backs. I mean, we didn't even do anything to him this time! The karma is out of whack!"
Jason thought for a moment. "Maybe this is because of that one time we stole his underwear and made it into a kite and then accidently crashed the underwear kite into his bike, propelling it into the road where a car ran over it and then we took what was left of it apart and tried to put it back together but decided to make a robot instead and then the robot took some more of his underwear and made another kite and then accidently crashed the second underwear kite into Kevin's face."
Eddy sighed happily. "Sweet."
Ed suddenly had an idea. "Perhaps if we were to trap the two creatures in an enclosed environment built to suit each of their normal habitats, they would come to enjoy the other one's company, mate, and restore their species to its former glory before the white man overhunted them."
"Ed," Double D said slowly, "there are too many things wrong with that to even justify a response."
"No, I like this idea!" said Jason. "We need them both out of our hair, right? This'll put them both out of the way while we do our show! They'll be so mad at us while they're stuck in there that they'll end up taking the anger out on each other!"
"So you intend for them to fight it out like in a violent gladiator film?" gasped Double D in shock.
"I love it!" cried Calvin. "But what if they start dating instead?"
"We'll worry about that later," said Jason. "Come on, guys! We'll carry this plan out in an hour right after snack time!"
"We're having Oreos today!" cheered Ed.
(To the tune of "Put On a Happy Face")
Jason: We've had our share of errors
But we can still succeed
Hobbes: Kevin and Paige are terrors
Calvin: But that's the kick we need
Marcus: We've faced the punches, kicks and pummelings
We could get them back
Hobbes: Being outwitted could be humbling
Calvin: So we'll attack
Jason: We've had our share of blunders
But may win at that
Marcus: Through the lightnings and thunders
We haven't come out flat
All: We can rise above all that pain
We'll be on top again!
The plan was soon set. Jason made a phone call to Paige, claiming that a cute boy she had a crush on was a new counselor. Naturally, she was on her way, to excited to stop and wonder why her brother would care enough to tip her off.
Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes had a more dangerous job...the job of trapping Kevin. They tracked the tough boy down in the main room.
"Okay, Hobbes," whispered Calvin as they spied on Kevin from behind a bookshelf, "let's see if he's really afraid of you!"
Calvin threw Hobbes at Kevin, although he pictured it in his mind as a full-blown attack from a ferocious tiger. Kevin, however, saw it as a lifeless toy being tossed in his direction.
"Calvin," Kevin said in a low, warning tone, "I'm REALLY not in the mood for..."
"Plan B!" shouted Calvin, who quickly ran up and punched Kevin in the chest and then scampered away, clutching Hobbes.
This didn't hurt, of course, but after all of the things that had happened in the past couple days, this easily pushed Kevin over the edge.
Through the halls Kevin chased Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin was panicking, because the plan was to scare Kevin into the nearby closet where Jason and Marcus were going to lock Paige. However, every step of the ensuing chase was leading them farther and farther away from the closet. Things were backfiring big time!
And during all of this, a song was playing in Calvin's head.
(To the tune of "One Last Kiss")
Oh one more plan
We need this final plan
We have to trap Kev-an
I really hope we can
And so this has to work
Has to work
Cause it is our last plan
Meanwhile, Paige skipped up to the front door in hopes of meeting her latest crush face to face. Instead she got a face full of iguana, as Jason was waiting for her, holding up Quincy. Paige, never having been overly fond of Quincy, screamed in response and began to chase Jason.
Naturally, the same song played in Jason's head.
Oh one more plan
We need this final plan
We've got a show to man
With Quincy and Cal-van
And so this has to work
Has to work
Cause it is our last plan
In a matter of a few moments, the two chases literally collided. Jason and Calvin jumped out of the way, leaving the pursuing Paige and Kevin to crash head-on. With Marcus's help, Jason and Calvin dragged the dazed older kids into a closet and locked the door.
"We did it!" cheered Jason. "Now we've got a show to film!"
"I've placed TV sets in every room," said Marcus. "Including that closet."
"Won't that make Kevin and your sister even angrier?" asked Hobbes.
"We're hoping that the gladiator idea will work," Jason explained.
Kevin and Paige sat together in the closet a short while later watching the long-awaited public access show, being broadcast all over the building. It was, of course, nothing to write home about. Most of the show consisted of Quincy sitting in front of the camera while Calvin danced around singing some admittedly decent numbers. It got old pretty quickly, though.
"Today really stinks," muttered Kevin.
"Tell me about it," agreed Paige. "Look, I've had my heart broken a ton of times. It really doesn't get any easier in high school. But that's the thing...there's not a huge age difference between us but this is the time when things like that can really matter. Besides, you seem like a really cool kid and with Jason and those other dorks as your competition, you're not gonna have any trouble. Really."
Kevin smiled. This almost made Calvin's singing bearable.
"Now," said Paige, "this isn't the first time Jason's locked me in here. A hairpin usually works."
"Just like in the movies," smiled Kevin.
Paige pulled out a hairpin and fiddled with the lock. A few seconds later, the door was open.
"Let's get some dorks," grinned Kevin.
Calvin was in the middle of "Honestly Sincere" when it happened.
Kevin and Paige burst through the doors of the recording studio (which was actually room in the rec center full of mirrors that was commonly used for yoga) and pummeled the whole group (sans the stuffed Hobbes).
All of the other kids watching the TV sets gasped in shock as they watched Calvin, Jason, Marcus, and even Quincy getting smacked around. It was highly entertaining.
"And thus," sighed Linus, "we once again see mankind at its worst."
"Hey," shrugged Lucy, "don't knock what gets good ratings." She began to applaud, which was unfortunately followed by a good deal of the other kids.
The carnage ended quickly. Satisfied with their work, Paige and Kevin took a bow for the cameras.
Calvin, Jason, Marcus, and Quincy lay in a heap in the corner. Actually, the boys (and iguana) had taken this kind of stuff before, so it really wasn't too bad. It was still humiliating, though.
"This is probably karma," said Jason. "Maybe the lesson here is that people need to communicate more about their conflicts instead of resorting to violence."
"I think it's more fun our way," said Calvin. "And how come Kevin didn't beat you up again, Hobbes?"
"Feline charm," shrugged Hobbes. "I don't question my gifts. It's a blessing of my species, much like some apes are blessed with opposable toes."
Marcus struggled to his feet. "Well, we're back to normal as always, guys."
A lightbulb went off over Calvin's head. "Yeah!"
Hopping up, Calvin decided that now was as good a time as any to do a closing number.
(To the tune of "Rosie")
Calvin: I guess life is rosy, back to status-quosie
When it's status-quosie
It all seems right
Jason: Time to end the showsie
Since it's status-quosie
I really supposie
That it all wrapped up tight
Marcus: Oh, we tried to make it big
With our kid and reptile gig
We can't really claim
That we got any fame
Hobbes: At least we all got the chance to sing
All Four: It's status-quosie
It's one always knows, see?
Life is once more a normal song to me
At that point in the number, Calvin noticed that Paige and Kevin were glaring at him and the other boys. He needed to think fast or things could easily get painful again.
"Uh...hey, guys!" Calvin called to Kevin and Paige. "We're on TV, after all! You wanna sing too?"
Kevin and Paige turned to each other, shrugged, and joined in.
Paige: Back to status-quosie (Kevin: I'm back on my feet)
Punched them in the nosy (Kevin: And Paige is still sweet)
I love status-quosie (Kevin: But now it's what I'm used to)
It's what I'm used to
Jason: My sister doesn't frequent here
Paige: And you'll never have to fear
My coming back
Cause your dumb attacks
Are things I never want to be near
All: It's status-quosie
Kevin: You're talking to the prosies
All: Life is once more a normal song
Potential plots will still come along
Life is once more a normal song to me!