Disclaimer: I don't own Beelzebub.
A/N: Yamato nadeshiko refers to a perfect woman, a married housewife. She is a concept concieved by patriarchal Japanese society. I don't condone it, but wanted to use it anyway.
When he peed, it poured.
When it poured, she was there. Floating a good inch above the piss filling their room, she prodded him awake with the tip of her umbrella. Takayuki recieved his wake-up call first, and was standing ankle deep in Baby Be'el's royal juices, mopping and yawning and muttering. Hilda stared down at Oga Tatsumi's groggy face and tutted.
"How can you slumber with the young master relieving himself so copiously?"
"Birds gotta swim, fish gotta fly." Tatsumi shifted the sleeping child so that the pee aimed outward. "He's gotta go but I need my shut-eye."
"Poetry at this hour? Charming."
"What?" Tatsumi was too muddled to hear the sarcasm. "Thanks."
Early morning darkness chilled him to the bone, but the demonic blonde sat on the demonic bird's head with her nose thrust into the wind. Tatsumi shivered as their winged ride dipped sharply towards the ocean and wrapped himself around Baby Be'el. The toddler prince was also a demon and unfazed by this cold, but it made his human father feel that much tougher to do it.
"You're getting the akababa wet, Oga." Hilda half-glanced over her shoulder at him. "Hold the young master correctly."
As he complied, he flashed back to a conversation with Hajime.
"Your bride is smoking, Oga."
"She's not my bride."
"I'm telling you, that is the ideal woman. Great figure, great girl."
"Go away before I plant your face in a wall."
What did everybody else see in Hilda that Tatsumi didn't? Okay, she had the whole gothic lolita thing going on. Big deal, breasts in a black dress. Like he'd never seen that one before. And, alright, the blonde hair was as great as it was glossy. It gave her a foreign appeal, but the morons at school didn't know just how foreign she was...wait, Fuiruichi knew. He still thought Hilda was sexy. Paradox!
Even if she hadn't been a literal demon, Tatsumi reflected, the woman was a bitch. Always ordering him around and only caring about Baby Be'el...fucking call her a bride? No way. Tatsumi knew what a bride was. Yamato nadeshiko. Beautiful, kind, domestic. Like hell Hilda fitted into those last two criteria. And if Tatsumi was persnickety about it, he could even call her ugly. If he squinted. With blood in his eyes. Also if she wasn't doing that smirk which shimmered superiorly at him like he was the dirt under her toenails because, hot damn. The woman was fine when she was being arrogant. To look at, only. In all other ways she pissed him off...
But there was no denying she was a knock-out.
Anyway, who wanted to live out their life with a demon, even a gorgeous one? A man would run screaming from her after she let him figure out what a total, cranked up ass fucked devil's cup bitch she was. Not Tatsumi, obviously. He was man enough (ahem, demon as well in his own human way) to hold his own against her. Oga Tatsumi was a fucking tiger.
(Wait, what about Hidetora?)
Okay, so Oga Tatsumi was a fucking dragon. Gets the point across, right?
In the day and a half it took for Baby Be'el to finish his uber pee, Tatsumi napped a lot. Akababa the bird glided close to the deep ocean's surface to avoid detection, instinct steering it clear of ships and shit. Hilda watched the contractor's snoring face and scoffed to herself.
A strange kind of man.
Upon their return the general had a few grievances.
"How am I supposed to explain to everyone where you disappear to every month, huh Oga!"
"Relax, Furuichi. I'm perfectly safe."
"That's not the point at all! You think I give a damn about that, moron?"
Hilda she placed a placatory hand on Takayuki's heaving chest. "Furuichi, wait. What did you tell them this time?"
He grinned ashamedly. "Well, since all three of you were gone I told them you were taking a family vacation."
Tatsumi said, "Idiot, how lame. Don't pair me up with that woman."
Hilda said, "Furuichi, how convenient. Even if you did pair me up with that man."
They stuck with that lie because it made the most sense, and Takayuki took his leave wondering why he put up with either of them. (It was so easy to forget Hilda's powers of persuasion when looking into her serene, untouchable face. Hah, like Tatsumi would ever forget the first woman to send him running for his life.)
Sitting down for a late meal, the demon lord's father scarfed down the leftover pork ramen and flower sushi that his mother had stashed in the fridge. Hilda couldn't cook to save her life. She picked at her plate with a pair of enamelled chopsticks and invited Tatsumi's ire.
"If you ain't gonna eat it don't fucking take it."
"I am attempting to be polite. I understand it's rude to let someone eat alone...but perhaps you wouldn't know." Her eyes lingered distastefully on his bulging cheeks. "It's also rude to speak with a full mouth."
"Shut the fuck up."
"Just what you ought to do."
He shrugged and shovelled more food through his lips, chopsticks clicking gently in the dim lit kitchen. Hilda was such a pain in the ass.
"You have ginger on you." She leaned over and scraped off a small slice of spice from the corner of his mouth. He was paralyzed by the unforeseen touch; she wiped her finger on a napkin. Warm smells of smoked peach blossoms wafted from her person, clearing his head. Tatsumi slowly put down his bowl and stared into her old eyes.
"You just put me off my dinner."
"Don't be childish. You haven't eaten in a day or two."
"I don't want it."
"You really are a strange man." Her sigh pinched his cheek with a talonesque nail. "But sometimes I think I know what the young master sees in you."
"Finish your meal and I'll tell you."
He nearly choked to death obeying. Hilda stood and Tatsumi mimicked. Walking together to his room, Baby Be'el cradled to her bosom, the parent figures glanced at each other.
"Whaddaya see in me, Hilda?"
She pushed him onto the bed and placed Baby Be'el next to him. Putting her lips close to his ear, her lively breath licking his lobe, she whispered, "A man stupid enough to easily manipulate."
A tinkling laughter as she pulled away was the last thing Tatsumi heard before drifting off. And try as he might to curse her shitty sense of humor, he only looked forward to the next long piss, when he and Hilda would be airborne again.
Yamato nadeshiko she may not be, but she was still one hell of a woman.
Aoi can have Nene. Hilda stays with Tatsumi.