11Author's Notes: I had an idea that I kind of fell in love with. A fic was born. This is definitely a story about Michael and Holly, but Andy, Kelly, Erin, and David Wallace will also make some appearances.
This was inspired by a ton of things, the most obvious one being the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I'd also like to credit Alexander Pope's Eloisa to Abelar, which is where Eternal Sunshine gets its title from. The title of this story comes from ee cummings' "i carry your heart with me," and each chapter is inspired by a different song lyric.
Anyway, this is a future fic. It takes place in about 2012.
Disclaimer: I don't own this stuff.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
- "i carry your heart with me" by ee cummings
xxx
No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!
- Eloisa to Abelar by Alexander Pope
I Carry Your Heart in My Heart
We were fated to pretend.
- "Time to Pretend" by MGMT
Holly desperately wanted to give all of her heart to AJ. In the three years that they had been together, he had never failed to be a caring person and overall good man. They had been married for a year. He was so dedicated to her, always trying to show her how much he loved her. She would never fail to be surprised at how sweet he could be. And she loved him; she truly did. But it wasn't enough. She didn't love AJ nearly as much as he loved her.
She loved AJ to an extent, but her heart belonged to someone else. There was a certain other man whom she couldn't forget about it. And she was ashamed; she was ashamed that AJ was so dedicated to their relationship - to their marriage - and she couldn't feel the same way. She had tried and tried, tried with all of her might to forget the other man who kept creeping into her thoughts. She pretended to love AJ as much as he loved her, but she knew that wasn't enough. AJ deserved more than that.
With that in mind, she had called and made an appointment for herself. At first she had been skeptical of the Lacuna Clinic and the procedure they offered. She wondered how safe it was; she wondered if it would really work. Could anything truly erase him from her mind? She had been hemming and hawing, but finally she decided to just do it. She was so tired; she had reached her limit. She couldn't keep thinking about him. For all she knew, he had moved on. Maybe he was married, too. The Scranton Branch had been shut down a few years before, so he had probably gotten a new job and had the opportunity to meet new people. Maybe he had fallen in love with one of them. The fact was that they were over. She couldn't remain lost in her memories of him; she couldn't keep putting something of the past in front of her husband.
So she had called the clinic and had scheduled herself an appointment. After the procedure was over, she would have absolutely no recollection of Michael Scott.
She heard the door open. AJ was home. She couldn't remember why, but they had ended up taking separate cars to work that morning. On the way home after work, he had called her cell phone: he was having car troubles and would probably get to the house later. Now, later had arrived. Here he was.
He entered the front room and saw her sitting on the couch.
"Hi, hun," he said as he sat down next to her.
"Hey," she said softly. Soon, she wouldn't remember Michael anymore. Soon, she would be able to love him like he loved her. Soon, things would be better.
"So what time do you leave for that trip to corporate tomorrow?"
The business trip. Funny that she had almost forgotten about it, as it was an essential part of her plan. She was going on a two day seminar at the corporate office in New York. After the first day of proceedings, she would have the procedure done. She would wake up in her hotel room the next morning and have no recollection whatsoever of Michael Scott.
"Sarah and I are leaving around two, but I have an appointment first."
That was a lie. There was no appointment; she had to stay home and gather anything that might trigger a memory of Michael. She had been putting off doing this particular step, but it was essential that she did it before the procedure was performed.
AJ was quiet for a few moments and then asked hesitantly, "Is it with Doctor Smith?"
Doctor Smith. Her OB/GYN. They were trying to conceive, to have a baby and expand their family. Or at least, AJ thought they were. The truth was she had never stopped taking her birth control. She loved any future child of hers far too much to bring them into a relationship that she wasn't fully committed to.
It had been awhile since they had started trying, or rather since Holly had started lying to AJ about it. She couldn't bring herself to tell him she didn't want to have a baby with him right now because she wasn't sure she could spend the rest of her life with him. So she deceived him. He though that they were having trouble getting pregnant. He thought that was why she had been distant and sad recently.
It practically broke her heart to lie to him like this.
"Um, yeah," she lied, "Another checkup."
He squeezed her hand, "Do you want me to be there?"
"No. But thank you."
"I know this is hard. All the waiting, the negative tests…I know it isn't easy, Holly. And I can't promise you the outcome that we both want so badly, though I wish more than anything that I could. But I'll always be here for you, throughout all of it."
What was wrong with her? How could she not love this man with every fiber of her being?
And then she was crying, but not for the reasons he thought she was. A sob left her chest. But there was only one more day of pretending left. One more day, and she would forget about Michael. One more day, and she and AJ would live happily ever after. She wouldn't have to pretend anymore.