A/N: please see note at the end?
EDIT 7/29/10: changed formatting. idk if i like it better though.
EDIT 8/2/10: changed/added some more things...
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but this story.
I met you a year ago.
Unable to sleep, I sigh as I open my eyes to a silent darkness. What time was it…? I flip over in my bed and reach for my clock, turning it towards me. 2:03 a.m. Heaving yet another sigh, I throw my covers off as I walked across my room and turned on the computer.
You were a new student, and the first thing I thought of when I saw you, was that I wanted to be your friend.
A blue tinted light engulfs my room as my computer starts up and my monitor flickers on. I wait for the booting process to complete and log on to my online messenger as soon as it is.
It wasn't long before I reached my goal. We became friends. I thought life was perfect.
I scroll through my list of chat buddies, not expecting anyone to be there, but find that he – Len – is on. To my surprise, a rectangular chat window appears on my screen, accompanied by its trademark 'Ding!'
xLenLenSignal: hey rin!
I stare at my computer with a slight sense of disbelief. He never talks to me online - so why now? Despite this, I type back, trying to sound as natural as possible.
orangeobsession1227: oh hey
orangeobsession1227: what're you doing up right now
xLenLenSignal: i could ask you the same thing :)
orangeobsession1227: couldn't sleep.
xLenLenSignal: so you come talk to me?
xLenLenSignal: i'm honored, rinnie
orangeobsession1227: more like you started talking to me
orangeobsession1227: but don't you have like, at least 4 other chats going on right now?
You were my closest friend. We didn't exactly spend much time together, but for the times we did, it felt so natural. I felt like I could tell anything to you and you would listen. I felt like I could do anything in front of you and you wouldn't judge me. I felt like we were best friends.
You were special to me.
And I thought I meant the same to you.
xLenLenSignal: but rin, seriously, we haven't talked in forever
orangeobsession1227: we haven't.
xLenLenSignal: so like, what's been going on in life?
orangeobsession1227: nothing much
It all changed that time you asked me to go the movies with you.
I lean back in my chair and wait for a response from him.
Don't get me wrong. I was happy. Delighted, actually.
But it never comes.
I had picked out my best clothes, my cutest jewelry, even put on make-up for you. I slung a purse on my shoulder and felt so unlike myself, but I figured, that if it were for you, I'd do anything. I couldn't stop smiling the whole way there.
When I finally arrived, I instantly spotted you in the theater lobby. I wanted to run to you, to tackle you, to take you by surprise by behind. But I stopped myself.
You were laughing. Who were they that you were laughing with? As I looked closer, I realized that I vaguely recognized them – you were standing in a group of people that you knew, and not strangers like I had suspected. A pang shot through my heart. I thought this 'date' was for us.
Slowly approaching you, I tugged on your sleeve. "Hey, Len."
You turned around and, upon seeing me, broke into a wide grin. "Ah, you're here!"
I smiled. I opened my mouth to say more, but you've already turned your attention back to the others.
What were you saying? What were you talking to them about? I tried to ask, but I was blocked off from the circle; my voice didn't carry through, and the other's words couldn't reach me properly. Even the few that did didn't make any sense; I had no idea what you were talking about anyways.
A long time later – or was it just a few moments? – I heard someone say, "Say, Len, who is that?" It caught my attention. They were talking about me, weren't they?
"Oh, this –" you shifted your body so that I was visible to the others, "She's one of my friends."
My eyes widened in horror. "One of…?" I felt crushed, as a heavy mass of emotion suddenly clouded over my chest area. But you didn't notice, did you? Your back was already facing me yet again.
Another eternity passed. Wasn't it time to see the movie yet? You kept talking with them, and at one point, even put your arm around the girl next to you, saying something like, "We're married on Facebook!"
Do you know how that made me feel? Do you know how unimportant - how insignificant - I felt right then?
Tell me, Len… what do I mean to you anyways?
I wanted to leave. So bad was the urge to just turn around and walk away, just so that I could see if you woulid might stop me. But I didn't. Because I knew you wouldn't notice.
So I tapped your shoulder. "Len, I uh… I don't feel so well. I think I might leave."
"Really? Oh… I guess that'd be best then…" A look of worry was spread across your face. Was it sincere? Did you really feel it?
As I rushed out of the lobby, I thought I could hear you saying, "Call me if anything goes wrong, okay?"
But maybe those were just words from another day.
A few minutes pass, and there is still no progression in our chat. What am I still doing here, staring at our motionless conversation? He's probably forgotten that he was still talking to me, and is now chatting with his other more interesting friends. Deciding that I have waited long enough, I sit back straight in my chair, and type to him.
orangeobsession1227: well i think i'll go back to bed now
orangeobsession1227: i'll ttyl.
I press the power button on my computer without waiting for a reply. Switching off my monitor, I drop myself onto my bed and wait for morning to arrive.
Was it foolish to expect that I actually meant more than just a friend to him? Was it weird of me to think that he might consider me just as important as I thought he was?
If it were me who was asked, "Who is he?" the first thing that would come to my mind to say is, "He's my best friend."
Then again, that might just be me.
When I open my eyes, I am slightly shocked to find that it was already well past noon. Yawning, I can hardly keep my eyes open. When exactly had I fallen asleep? I don't have time to think about the answer, for my cell phone starts to ring.
You were the only one I looked forward to seeing every day. You were the only one who could brighten my mood no matter what the situation. You were the only one who I would do anything for. But I wasn't that person to you.
Sneaking my hand under the pillow, I grab for the source of the muffled sound. Finally feeling my fingers come in contact with its smooth plastic surface, I pull it out and look at the screen.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so surprised that you had so many other people important to you. Maybe I should remember that you were "normal." Maybe I'd just forgotten – you had a life outside of just "us."
I stare at his name dumbly. Should I, or should I not pick up? The dilemma is short lived however, as my finger takes advantage of my undeniable soft spot for him and presses the "Accept Call" button on its own will. And next thing I know, the phone is to my ear. "H-hello?"
But I didn't. I didn't remember. And I didn't have anyone other than you.
He speaks. "Rin! How are you?"
I want to cry. His voice – though distorted through the phone line – is a sound that I will always miss hearing. "I… I'm good."
You've told me at one point, I remember, that I was important to you. I smiled and told you that I felt the same. Only, you've said those same words to someone else too, haven't you? They weren't any more special when you said them to me than when you spoke them to some someone else, were they?
Did you ever realize the words from my mouth were not, in fact, copy and pasted from some other conversation?
"You sound like you just got out of bed."
He can tell? I try to laughed, but it sounds so unnatural and forced.
Did you ever truly understand just how much you mean to me?
"So I was wondering, did you want to hang out today?"
My mouth hangs ajar, seeing as I have opened it to reply but then realized that I didn't have an answer. Len hasn't asked me to hang out anywhere, ever since… ever since after that incident, when I had started refusing all his invitations. So why now…? I decide to do the only thing I could think of: stall some time. "Uh… where?"
"At the mall. We could wa-, um, we could go for some ice cream or something."
Did he want to say 'watch a movie'? But he stopped himself… that was a good thing, wasn't it? He hasn't forgotten about that time; shouldn't I be happy? I smile, but it wasn't genuine. In fact, it is dripping with sarcasm. "No, sorry, I don't feel up for it." A smooth lie.
I've told you before, many times… but did you take my words seriously?
"Oh, that's too bad then… I guess I'll just ask Meiko."
"Meiko?" Is she one of your friends? I want to voice it, but Len fills in the blank for me.
"She's one of my friends."
I want to laugh. I want to laugh so badly. I would've loved nothing more than just to fall on the floor and laugh my heart out. It's absolutely hilarious – how did I know he would say that? Yet, at the same time… tears? All of a sudden, my vision is blurry. "Alright t-then…" Is my voice shaking? "Have… h-have fun …" I should hang up right now.
But I don't.
Why couldn't I just accept the fact that I am not his only friend and move on? Why was it so hard on me? It wasn't like I could just tell him to give up everything else. So why did I keep on going like this?
"Rin… are you okay?"
No, I want to say, to shout. I'm not. But of course I don't, and I end the call. I bury my face in my pillow and only realize that I am crying when I feel the fabric under my eyes grow wet.
Indeed, why haven't I just accepted everything and moved on? It is such a simple concept, and the correct decision is obvious. Yet, I would never choose that path. I may ask myself why, and I may answer that I don't know. But deep down, I know the real reason.
Because it's hard… It's hard to know that someone is your only, but that you are only his "one of."
A/N: EDIT 7/29/10: so I did decide to delete my ranting here. it seemed way too OOC for me and I couldn't really stand it. But I will say this:
- I was being emo and depressed and antisocial when I wrote this.
- Nothing is based on personal experience, though the emotions conveyed here are.
- To the person (maybe people?) that this fic might be referring to... It's not your fault I feel this way.
- Forums are scary. Or maybe I'm just an idiot :)
Thank you to everyone who pm'ed me/ left a message on the original a/n here. You guys are absolutely amazing and make my life so much better... I really don't know what'd I do without you :)