Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach!
A/N: I had to think a while before I thought of anyone with the balls to trash talk Kenpachi's relationship with Yachiru. Dedicated to Felix, who ships them appropriately, and also because I just have to dedicate something to my favorite flirt now and then. :D I love you, Feecakes~
If you asked Abarai Renji right now to venture a guess as to why the Shiba family had had the ban-hammer brought down on their delectable asses, he would say it was because they were too stupid to sass someone who wouldn't rip them to shreds with reiatsu alone.
Zaraki Kenpachi could rip a woman with reiatsu alone. But Shiba Kukaaku stood in front of his large form with her hands on her hips, leaning forward from the waist like she wanted to see death up close and personal. A flat, annoyed look was imprinted on her attractive face, and a few steps behind her Shihouin Yoruichi was giggling into her sleeve. Renji was hanging around 'cause this was the Rukongai fish market, where the best salmon were sold dirt cheap. Purchase in hand he wished to be gone, but the scene held him rooted to his spot like good simile would hold a reader. He was dying to know what was coming next, but you're dying to know what came before this.
The pyrotechnic was loathe to step into the City of Tranquil Soul and the City was loathe to have her stepping in it, so Yoruichi who missed her friend sometimes visited the brunette's Rukongai home. Such visits warranted cooking a meal to knock out a full platoon of soldiers, and such meals required the best ingredients. The fish market was the place such ingredients were found and so on and so forth, until Kukaaku and Yoruichi were looking for puffer fish with a basket overflowing with cuts of meat and choicest vegetables on the former's arm. This arm having been jostled by the passing 11th Division captain had lost the basket to the ground, pissing off a powerful woman.
"M'bad," he'd muttered as Yachiru directed him in jubilant tones to their destination. Kukaaku was so not appeased.
"Apologize like you mean it, lolicon pervert!"
A full roundabout turn had him looking down at her, face unchanged from standard daytime to even mildly affronted. "Eh?"
"What's with 'eh', you dumbass!" she jabbed a finger in his chest and gestured to the spilled groceries. "Who the hell is gonna replace all that, that's my 'eh'!"
"Eh," Kenpachi caught her wrist and jeered, "As in what did you say I was?"
Kukaaku pulled her arm back to herself and eyed Yachiru, perched atop his shoulder looking brightly inquisitive as ever she would remain. "Nasty. Don't touch me, freak show. What'd you do, promise the kid candy?"
"You betcha," Yachiru sang out, "Kenny said if I was a good girl and stopped pissin' Baldy off he'd buy me a bagful!"
Yoruichi burst into laughter and immediately bit her lip; Kukaaku raised a wondering eyebrow. Renji earned himself some brown-nosing brownie points by stepping in to say, "Please don't misunderstand, Shiba-san. Kusajishi-fukutaichou is Zaraki-taichou's subordinate."
The woman eyed Renji instead, going, "Yeah? Since when do Gotei 13 captains let their lieutenants ride them?"
"It's not like that. Kusajishi-fukutaichou shares a special bond with Zaraki-taichou."
"Sicko," Kukaaku pointed a finger at Kenpachi, who still was in a transitory phase of switching facial expressions (hey, this shit takes time). "What is the matter with you? Why don't you sleep with someone your own size?" A smile pinched her lips. "Well, a big-ass bastard like you isn't seen every day..."
"Yoruichi-dono!" Renji appealed to what he mistakenly believed could be the voice of reason, "You gotta do something!"
"Listen, Abarai," Yoruichi was on the verge of stuffing her knuckles into her mouth, she was cracking up so hard, "Since apparently Byakuya-bo hasn't been ranting about my irresponsibility lately. I'm not the best person to sort out quarrels."
So the fish market seemed doomed to witness an epic battle that would probably screw them all over. And it would've been bad if Kenpachi didn't have a fortunate burst of curiosity at that moment.
"How come you ain't a shinigami?" he frowned at her clothes, and it rapidly disintegrated into an interested stare. "I mean. Ya got reiatsu I'd've noticed if I came across it. Where've you been all these years?"
Yachiru blew out her cheeks and tugged on his bells. "Kenny, that sounds like such a come-on! Say it better won't-cha?"
But Kukaaku liked it this way. A wide grin slit her mouth and she crowed, "What the hell do they teach you in school, kid? You don't even know who I am and you're actin' like hot shit. I'm Shiba Kukaaku, isn't it obvious? Look at that look on your face, you haven't even heard of me, have you?"
Yachiru jumped off Kenpachi's shoulder, and Kukaaku caught her in her arms. There was no time to be surprised as the cotton candy girl giggled, "Course we haven't, 'cause me 'n' Kenny never went t'school! But you shouldn't be mean to me. Kenny gets mad."
"You shouldn't jump on me," Kukaaku held her an arm's length away like she was a used diaper, "I get mad."
"But if it's me, it's alright ain't it? Since I'm so cute and light as a feather~"
"But Kenny says I am!"
Kukaaku rolled her eyes and thrust the young thing back at it's minder. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked Kenpachi genuinely, "To be called 'Kenny' by such a li'l pipsqueak? I go apeshit on Ganju if he calls me anything but nee-chan."
"What's the point of being ashamed? She's always called me that. Who's Ganju?"
It occurred to Renji that Kenpachi was being uncharacteristically social, but that was just because he was banking too much on his bloodlust, which hadn't really marked the woman standing before him as a worthy opponent to pick a fight with. Conversation had its own set of requirements.
"Are you an idiot? Obviously if he calls me nee-chan he's my kid brother, isn't he!"
"Dunno. Thought you might have a brother complex...force some brat to call you nee-chan and shit."
Yoruichi took a step towards Renji as Kukaaku's reiatsu twisted itself into terrifying knots. "What the hell did you say?"
Kenpachi took a step towards Kukaaku, dropping Yachiru as his hand twitched at her suddenly appealing aura that smelt so much like killing intent. Apparently the sister-brother bond was so holy she didn't appreciate it being messed with even this slight amount. The last time Kenpachi had deliberately goaded an opponent was the last time he'd clashed blades with Kuchiki Byakuya. And that bastard learned fast to keep his emotions under control, so it got harder each time to make him snap. Not that Kenpachi failed to enjoy the challenge. But this was fresh meat...!
"Shoutacon perverts are just as common as lolicon perverts."
"You flippin' turd." Her eyebrows were jangling about her forehead, tickling his weird sense of humor. Kukaaku's curves burned his retinas and she beckoned him with a ready hand. "Don't make fun of a sister's love for her precious little brother. Do you want to die?"
He unsheathed his sword and flicked his reiatsu up a bit. Several fish came back to life and flopped around the stalls the commoners had long abandoned, somewhere around the time when Yachiru had started speaking. Renji looked on helplessly over Yoruichi's shoulder as Kukaaku returned Kenpachi's challenge by separating her feet in a fighting stance.
"Bring it the hell on," the shinigami grinned, and Kukaaku totally would have but Yoruichi decided she was a pretty good person to stop quarrels. Putting herself between them, one palm flat against Kenpachi's exposed chest and the other sinking into Kukaaku's cleavage, the Shihouin princess went:
"Can't we all just get along?"
"No," Kukaaku said, and Kenpachi nodded his concurrence.
Yoruichi then decided that a failed attempt can still be a success; it's the thought that counts; leopards won't fucking change their spots and some other spiffy things that would allow her to kinda shove her conscience and watch them beat on each other. She also thought of Byakuya's disapproving eyes and how hard it was to get him to let her hug him after she pissed him off, and persuaded the combatants to move their match to a less populated (well. Less commercial) location.
Renji would've stayed, really, but he had his fish and Hisagi Shuuhei would go mooch off Omaeda Marechiyo's leftovers if his underclassman was late in preparing the promised meal. Renji really, really wished his sempai would have some pride but that wasn't gonna happen so he was going to have to be a man and suck it up.
Kenpachi and Kukaaku roared.
Yachiru also watched!
And then it was over because to be honest, Kukaaku's bark was way worse than her bite.
"Hn. For a woman to be that rude I thought she'd have some power to justify it with..." Kenpachi snorted as Kukaaku bled, her legs wobbling like they might after a hard orgasm, "Yeesh, you're a weakling." He turned to eye Yoruichi. "Say...you..."
He sighed, let Yachiru scramble onto his shoulder, and nodded to the still standing pyrotechnic. "Will she get stronger?"
"I wasn't being serious," Kukaaku winced as Yoruichi helped hold her up, effectively pushing her pride down past her feet, "You jerk. I'll heal, and get serious the next time we meet. Don't worry, perv... I'm more than capable of entertaining a clown like you."
"Clown, pervert, jerk...you need to pick one, princess."
"Don't fucking call me that."
Why was that such an insult? Yoruichi was hurt. She was a princess and pretty much everyone gathered would accept her ability to destroy her enemies like that. But Kukaaku, who was proud in a roundabout way of having had her family kicked out of Seireitei's elitist circle, didn't like being reminded of what she might've been had she been born in earlier times any more than she liked being reminded that she and Ganju looked unlike enough to be mistaken for something...anything! other than brother and sister.
It's a hard-knock life for her.
Kenpachi didn't care about that, though, so he walked away as casually as a man who knows nothing has survived in the wake of his path. Yoruichi looked at Kukaaku and said, "You'll get serious?"
"I'll fucking stuff a rocket down his pants."
"I think he already has one."
"...You and I are no longer friends."
Random encounters were random encounters.
I am ashamed of the way I write Yachiru. D: