I don't wanna live
To waste another day
Underneath the shadows of mistakes I've made
Cus I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't wanna fall
And say I lost it all
Cus maybe there's a part of me
That hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside
Breaking Inside - Shinedown The Sound of Madness copyright 2008
I don't own KOTOR and Star Wars they belong to Bioware and the Flannel God George Lucas. I don't own Breaking Inside, it's just a very insightful song to me from Shinedown.
Why did Revan turn to the dark side? Tyria asked herself, staring out over Telos from the orbit of the Sojourn. Sojourn was monitoring the beginning of the Telos Restoration Project, something she had helped Carth Onasi petition for with the Senate. After months of politicking, something she hated with a passion, the Senate had finally passed the Telos Reform Act, which allowed the rebuilding of the worlds destroyed by the Sith during the Jedi Civil War. It was not long after that the nightmares began again, as parts of Revan's history came back in her dreams. After all in the end she had once been Revan, Jedi Knight, Republic Hero, Dark Lady of the Sith. She did not understand her downfall. Everything she had done before her fall and after her redemption had been to save the Republic. Why had she returned after the Mandalorian Wars attempting to conquer the Republic? She still did not know.
The door to the Admiral's quarters opened revealing the spectacular site of Tyria standing against the view screen watching the planet turn below them. Admiral Carth Onasi stood in the doorway watching his new wife closely, lopsided smile forming on his lips. Most people are lucky to find this kind of love once in their lives, yet I have been blessed with it twice, he thought to himself. Moving to stand next to the former Jedi, "Credit for your thoughts," he said quietly, moving to put an arm around Tyria.
Tyria smiled, she had been so deep in her contemplation she had not noticed Carth entering the room, which was unusual for her. She leaned against his strength happy - for the time - to allow him to support her. "Trying to figure out why Revan fell to the dark side, it just doesn't make any sense. Everything Revan did before the Jedi Civil War was in an attempt to save the Republic, why did I come back to conquer it," she responded, leaning her head against his shoulder.
Carth sighed, this was an ongoing discussion between them, she felt she had to know why everything that had happened to her did so, and he felt she was walking a fine line that might end in her falling again, and that terrified him, he could not lose her, he would not lose her. "Tyria, why can't you let Revan be dead and just be who you are now, why must you pursue this constantly?" he asked her, his confusion evident in his voice.
Tyria turned her head up to look at Carth, "I don't have an answer for that, something inside me compels me to do it, I can't explain it Carth, and I just know that I have to know."
Carth turned, pulling Tyria into a bear hug before moving her to arms length, "What if knowing sends you back down that path Tyria? What if finding out why Revan turned, brings Revan back? I won't lose you Tyria," he exclaimed.
Tyria lightly traced the line of Carth's jaw, allowing her fingertips to run lightly over his lips. "Carth, there is no guarantee that Revan won't come back even if I do nothing, at least if I do something I can find out why I did the things I did as Revan, and hopefully can put her to rest for good. I beg you to understand what I need to do, and to know that I love you always and it will be that love that keeps Revan from returning while I do what I have to," she told him softly, her eyes sad.
Carth had been expecting this for some time, he pulled his wife into a rough hug, "Please, I'll take a leave of absence, I'll resign my commission if that's what it takes, but don't leave without me," he begged, the pain harsh in his voice.
Tears sprung to Tyria's eyes as she listened to the pain in his voice, she hated hurting him for any reason, but there was no other way, where she had to go, he could not, and what she had to do, there was no one who could help her. "Carth, if there was any way in the galaxy I could take you with me, I would. However, I fear that what I face is something that is going to take everything I know, and every ounce of strength to defeat, and I cannot take someone I love with me, if I do, I give my enemies out there a weakness to extort. I also need you here preparing the Republic in case I fail, only you can bring the Republic together to face this threat, and I need you to do that. That is why we've fought so hard to get the Telos Reformation Act passed, and why I encouraged you to take the Admiralship eight months ago when it was offered," she explained sadly.
Carth held onto Tyria with all his strength, not wanting to let her go. "Just don't leave without telling me goodbye," he whispered.
The next morning Carth woke up when his comm unit chimed, Tyria was gone, and he knew she would not be back anytime soon, he silenced his comm unit as tears slowly ran down his face. After several minutes, Carth got himself under control. Picking his comm unit back up, Carth placed in the code to the Ebon Hawk, specifically to the small astromech droid T3-M4 and set about putting in protocols to protect Tyria even if she did not want to be protected.
Ebon Hawk in orbit above Malacore V
"I hate this place," Tyria said to the empty cockpit staring at the destroyed world that was the heart of her fears.
"Master, if you dislike this planet so much, then why are we here, and will it involve massive bloodshed?" responded the redish orange colored droid standing behind her.
Tyria jumped almost completely out of her seat when HK-47 spoke to her, "HK-47 please do not sneak up on me, and please quit calling me Master," she snapped.
"I am sorry Master, I did not intend to sneak up on you like I did, however, as you well know I am programmed to call you Master, you programmed me yourself," the Hunter Killer droid responded.
"No, I do not know that, I don't remember much of anything about being Revan, though I am glad to have you along on this trip," she replied shaking her head at the constant reference to a life she didn't even remember. "As for being here, well, this is where Revan's fall began, so it seemed as good a place as any to try and figure out what happened," she told him quietly. However, she did not believe what she said herself, her stomach churned at the thought of setting foot on this dark world. She opened the internal comm, "T3, can you please find us a remote landing spot away from anything that might still be down there," she asked the droid.
"Beep doop dweep dweep," came the response.
Tyria nodded to herself, "Thank you T3. Now HK-47 get ready to head out we'll see what we find here," she told her companion, the only ones she had allowed to come with her were her droids. It had been painful to leave Sojourn in the middle of the night, not telling Carth anything more than she already had, but she had felt her resolve failing when he held her, begging her to let him come with her.
Darth Treya sat in silence, feeling the presence of her old student, though it was changed, it was Revan but not Revan. She sat pondering this, what are you doing here Revan, why have you come back, she thought to herself.
Tyria felt the slight brush of Kreia's thoughts, Hello master, what are you doing here, she thought. Quickly she opened communications and punched in a private code she rarely used these days. "Canderous, I need you to do something for me," she said quietly as the comm was answered.
Canderous Ordo sat at the communications station on Dxun, wondering why he was here and not out there gaining more honor with Revan, he knew Revan was off to do something that would bring great honor to anyone with her. "What can I do for you Revan?" he asked.
"First you can quit calling me Revan, Revan is dead," Tyria replied sharply, she hated that Canderous was happy to latch on to who she had been and let go of who she was, "Now what I need you to do is to reunite the Mandalorian clans. I do not care what it takes, just do it, there is an account to which you have access to, just contact Carth for the codes. The Republic is going to need the Mandalorian clans if they are going to survive what is to come, so I trust you can do what is needed," she told him.
Canderous smirked, "Not like you to ask me to do something so simple Revan," he responded dryly. "I will get it done, though I would prefer to be wherever you are fighting in glory."
Tyria laughed, "Canderous, you mean more to me than you will ever know, and that is why you can't be here. You understand the weakness it would be for people I care about to be here with me, I can't allow that weakness," she told him firmly, arguing with him was almost as bad as arguing with Carth, though she didn't usually have to worry about Canderous stowing away aboard the Ebon Hawk anytime she talked about leaving, something she had run into with Carth.
Canderous sighed, "Yes I understand, and I will do as you have asked."
"Thank you Canderous, or should I call you Mandalore now?"
Canderous laughed, "Everyone else calls me Mandalore, however, you may always call me Canderous my friend."
Tyria closed the comm link smiling, despite the fact that he was a Mandalorian, Canderous was a good friend, and she hoped that he could convince the other clans to support the Republic in the coming war.