iTeach Sex Ed
I was eating oatmeal in my duckie robe and slipper combo and watching Oprah, waiting for Carly and her friends who never hang out at their own homes, to arrive. Yes, I well aware it's 2:46, I'm undressed, eating a breakfest food and watching Oprah, but I was bored! My boredom was cured when the 3 teens entered the scene. They all looked rather glum.
"Hey kiddos" I said turning off the TV and making my way to the kitchen to rinse out my bowl.
"Hey." They all mumbled dropping their backpacks on the floor and flopping on the couch. Sam didn't even go over to the fridge to raid it for ham. Something was up.
"Okay guys, I KNOW something's up. Why so glumpish?" I asked leaning against the counter. Carly got up and made herself a glass of ice tea.
"Our health teacher Mr. Dover got fired today." She said sadly.
"His name was deemed 'innapropirate to be working with children with' or some lame chizz like that." Sam stated drinking a waterbottle.
"Well what was his first name."
"Ben." Freddie stated.
"...I don't get it..."
"Ben...Ben Dover" Freddie said spacing it out. Why wou-
"Ohhhhhhh..." I said. They all nodded.
"He was the best." Sam stated. "He always made the most innapropriate jokes, made me laugh, that's for sure" Sam chuckled to herself.
"But now they're looking to hire a teacher. If they don't find one by the end of the week then they're making Miss Briggs our teacher." Carly said. The 3 shudder simultaneously.
"Blech, if she's our teacher and makes us watch her and Mr. Howard for a demonstration I'm gonna barf on someone." Sam said. Freddie looked like he was going to puke and Carly closed her eyes and tired to get the image out of her head.
"Hey...why don't I do it?" I suggested. The 3 of them looked at me as if I announced I was pregnant with Chinease twins.
"You? A health teacher?" Carly questioned.
"Yeah...I know about health...and stuff" I shurgged. Carly gave me the you're-freaking-kidding-me-right-now look.
"Well...he would be better than Miss Briggs." Freddie said trying to lift up the mood.
"And Spencer would make an awesome teacher!" Sam added eating some bacon out of bag (one that Freddie most likely had ready for her).
"...Fine...but you BETTER not embaress me." Carly said pointed her index finger at me.
"No worries kiddo. You kids just call me Mr. Spencer."
I passed the interview with Mr. Franklin and got the job! It was my first day and Ted showed me to my classroom, Room 38B. I dressed in my old business suit I had for law school. Of course complimented with Tyler's awesome tie!
"This is your classroom, your keys and here are the lesson plans for this month" He handed me keys and a very heavy folder.
"Thanks Ted, what am I teaching the kids about? First-aid? Nurtition?" I smiled hoping it'd be something easy.
"Sex." He said closing the door behind him.
"Oh...that's easy...did he say SEX!" I opened the door and yelled down the hallway.
"Hey! I did NOT sign up for this!" I threw my keys on the floor dramaticly. I sighed, picking them up and sitting on the top of a desk.
"Sex...when I said I hope it's something easy I didn't mean literally" I muttered to myself (A/N: Bad Puns FTW!)
(1 hour later)
The first bell rang and all the kids piled into the room. I scanned around. Of course Carly, Sam and Freddie were in this class together. There were a few more faces I recognized. Gibby and Wendy were there as well. I sheepishly wrote my name on the board.
"Hello children, my name is Mr. Spencer, I'm the replacement they hired until they can find a more perminate teacher. Today...we...will be learning...about...sex." I stopped talking. Some of the kids giggled, some looked scared to the death and the rest looked mortified.
"I know, I said the bug 'S' word! Oh my god!" I said dramaticly. Some of the kids laughed.
"Anyway, I'm no master of the subject but I've sat through "Mean Girls" with Carly many times so here's what I have to say..." Before I spoke I noticed Carly sinking down into her seat muttering 'Please don't say it!'
"Don't have sex...because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missonary position, don't have sex standing up...just don't do it promise?" I pulled out a box that was left underneath the desk. It was a box of condoms.
"Ok, now everyone take some rubbers." I shook the box and each kid shyly came up and took one. Some took their out and studied it, others stuffed it in their pockets ashamed.
"Now...does anyone have any questions about sex? Any question in this room stays in this room, got it?" A chubby red haired girl shyly raised her hand.
"Yes?" She stood up.
"Ok, so I people think I'm not a virgin, because I use super jumbo tampons, but that's only because I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina. How do I get people to stop assuming I'm not a virgin?" I can NOT believe I was just asked this question.
"Become a non-virgin?" I shurgged. My voice went into an octave higher than I intended and kids laughed. Freddie raised his hand.
"Does loosing your virginity hurt? And what's this G-spo-" He was interrupted by Sam coughing very loudly and giving him a glare.
"Nevermind about the second question...just the first one."
"F-from what I've heard, yes it does hurt. Because you've never used that bodypart necessarily for that purpose. Like my current girlfriend Kristen after our first time together, she said she could barely walk." I looked at Carly again. She kept looking for ways to escape the room and run away to Tokyo by now.
"Ok, and can you get a girl pregnant the fir-" Sam punched him in the arm and raised her hand.
"I have a non-nubbish question, if you don't mind."
"What's the best way to say...do it in the shower?" She said smirking at Freddie, who was in pain and now looking mortified at her question.
"Next!" Gibby raised his hand.
(20 minutes later)
Gibby kept asking question after question about each step of sex and how it's preformed in detail. He even asked me what an orgy was! How do I explain to a 15 year old an orgy is NOT having sex while making a sandwich like he thought.
"Anything else?" I asked about ready to snap.
"One more question...what's a condom used for?" I groaned and sat down, putting my head on my desk. This was going to be a LONG month.