Penname: TinyLitleDragon

Story name: I keep trying

Pairing: Bella & Edward

Genre: Romance & Angst

Rating: M for strong language

Song: Perfect - Hedley

Main lyric:

Falling a thousand feet per second
You still take me by surprise
I just know we can't be over
I can see it in your eyes
Making every kind of silence
Takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over
And never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall
Even if you said I was wrong

I'm not perfect
But I keep trying
Cause that's what I said
I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely
So please don't leave
Was it something I said
Or just my personality

When you're caught in a lie
And you've got nothing to hide
When you've got nowhere to run
And you've got nothing inside
It tears right through me
You thought that you knew me
You thought that you knew

I'm not perfect
But I keep trying
Cause that's what I said
I would do from the start

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying (the lyrics are in cursive)

Word count: 3, 495 (not including quotes)

~ Try as hard as we may for perfection,

The net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness.

We are surprised at our own versatility

In being able to fail in so many different ways. ~

Samuel McChord Crothers


When I woke up that morning I thought that there was nothing that could make the day any more bearable than it started out to be. It was the day of my mothers' funeral. I'd watched her dying for the past seven months, and as dreadful as it may sound, we were all glad it was over. We believed she had found the peace she was looking for. A place where there was no pain, no chemo and no medication; though it didn't make this day any less painful.

But fate was doing its job thoroughly, and so I stepped inside your little flower shop to get my mom some flowers. I didn't see you at first. I was too lost in the colors and the shapes. Frowning, as none of them could represent the emptiness that I had been left with after my mother passed away. And none could represent the fact that she would be missed. They were all too bright, too cheerful. But suddenly. . . you were there, giving me that pitiful smile that I saw you later giving every other man who seemed as lost in the flower world as I was. And I had to smile back at you; there was simply no other option.

I was falling a thousand feet per second. That's how fast I fell in love with you. One second there was just a black hole consuming my every happy memory, but then you came into my life. And a pool of hope leaped into my heart.

Every day you seemed to amaze me. You were simply one of a kind. Yeah, I know that's what a man should be saying about his girl, but hell, even my best friends wouldn't have hesitated if they'd been given an opportunity to steal you away from me.

It seems like yesterday that they first met you, and they fell in love with you twice that one day. Once when they wanted to pour you some soft drink and you said you were not drinking wine, nor bear; that you were only drinking the strong stuff. They almost felt from their chairs. And I knew from that moment that you owned them. But you managed to beat yourself later that same evening and they have never been given a chance to stop loving you since. We were walking down the street to the club you suggested and you pointed out that the girl in the short black skirt, whom was walking in our direction, had such big, beautiful breasts. Right in ones hands. Jesus, you still take me by surprise.

I loved you for . . . for all of you. I adored you! You were my fucking everything and I made my damn best to show it to you every day. I made sure to buy you flowers once in a while, though it always made you a bit angry because I was supporting the concurrence. I kissed you goodbye every time I was leaving the flat, to let you know you were going to be late again, if you didn't stop daydreaming in my bed. I left you love notes, presents, I would have given you my heart as proof of my love if that were possible.

But the gifts I was giving you were nothing compared to what you gave me that one time we were at the park. I took you there for a picnic one evening after work, and even though it was as cheesy as hell, it was worth every piece of my fucking dignity to do all the 'romantic' crap for you. So, we were sitting there on the blanket, just chatting and enjoying the sun and this three year old little boy name Emmet came to you, asking if you wanted to play. And you just couldn't resist him. Shortly after, his mother (you know the one that looked like a Barbie slut) yelled at him to stop bothering strange people. That made him yell something back at her and he crossed his arms over his chest with a look that could only be interpreted as angry. We almost died from laughing as we watched pissed of Barbie chasing him in high heels, whilst he was screaming and running around, but obviously enjoying his little show. And Bella, Love, when you looked at me after that, I knew what you were thinking about . . . I always knew . . . I saw the love and the desire to have one screaming annoying little baby with me. And this desire Bella . . . this feeling couldn't have changed so fast. I just know we can't be over!

I can see it in your eyes every time you try to make me believe you, to believe what you were saying. The worst thing though Bella is, that I know you don't believe your words either, you were a bad liar back then, and that hasn't changed a bit, you know that. . . I know what you are thinking; I know what you are feeling and I won't let you go. I can see you struggling; I can see your pain, I just don't understand why. . . Why are you saying those words? Don't do this to us; don't do this to me. . .


I could never understand the bullshit people were talking about when they were talking about the 'different kinds of silence'. I mean what the fuck is that? I put it into a mental drawer of all those romantic crap that magazines say and don't realize the impact it has on 'regular' people's lives. So many destroyed relationships because of something that did not even exist. . . Yeah, I was bitter, I was pessimistic, I was . . . well . . . I was me. And then you came into my life. . .

For once I was the fool . . . I was the madly in love crazy girl, daydreaming almost everywhere, pissing off everyone by speaking only of you. . . Everything was different with you. I was different. . . All I doubted, all I ridiculed, all of my bitterness left with your entrance. I even found some hope, that the people were sincerely using my flowers to express their love when the words were missing and not just to fake it.

With you, I got to know the silence of two lovers, emphasized only by the frantic beating of their hearts. Silence of two friends sharing an experience, companied by some silly talk from the movie or people around. Silence of best friends, providing a comfort without questions. The worst silence, however, was silence from you. Silence I find myself in when you were not there. Silence I got, after I made myself leave you. Silence I asked for, but realized it was the most dreadful thing I have ever experienced. Making every kind of silence takes a lot to realize. There is the silence that gives you strength and the silence that takes it away from you. And since the later was valid in my situation, I wasn't capable to hold on to my vow. . .

I knew I was making a mistake . . . I knew it. . . But can you blame me? Imagine you were trying to leave the love of your life. Would you have the strength? Would you find the will? Would you be able to carry on to the end? You know, it's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie. So I came back, fool enough to believe that it might work out as I had thought this time. I told you I wanted it to be just a flint, nothing serious, just temporarily because I had no intention of being with you long term. I dared to tell you, right into your loving blue eyes, that you should never hope for more. Of course you said yes to all of my rules, of course you knew already that they would get broken. Of course you knew me better. . .


You came back. I couldn't believe it. I could see the sparkles in your eyes; I could see that you were finally happy after a long time when you didn't even smile; I could see that you were eager to touch me, to kiss me, to love me. . . But then you said those stupid words, those stupid things. You took me off guard, that's for sure, but I didn't believe you even for a second. If that was what you thought you wanted, then I would play with your rules Bella, I would act as if I didn't know that the problem was somewhere else, as if I didn't know what you felt for me. Because Bella, Love, as long as I can feel you loving me and as long as I can feel you holding on, I won't fall. I won't. And that is the point. You know it Love, you know that sooner or later, it gets the better of you and you won't resist anymore. We will be Bella and Edward again, the love of our lives. But until then, I won't fall, because the love you will be giving me would be enough Bella; any part of you, that you were kind enough to give me was always enough, because it was already more than I ever imagined, even if you said I was wrong.


I should have known you would see right through me. I should have known you would realize I do indeed love you. I shouldn't have made such a mistake. But I was blinded, once again, by your love.

With you every day was . . . just simply perfect. The ingredients only you and me. Every morning when you didn't want to lay in a bed anymore, you just nuzzled into my hair, pressing soft kisses down my jaw, just so I wouldn't wake up in a bed alone without you. Your eyes were mesmerizing me every time I forgot how powerful they were and I let myself loose in them. But it was always just you and me. With pancakes or just plain bread; with wine or just a tap water; with a bouquet of roses or just one little forget-me-not flower; it was always perfect as long as there was you and me.

Well, since this story doesn't have a happy ending, this time came when I first realized how big of a mistake I made when I came back to you. We were at the beach, enjoying some sun and playing some cards, when we saw an old couple. They were like what . . . ninety years old? They were dressed in swimsuits and were walking down the beach hand in hand. I won't lie, that was the most moving sight I'd ever had. But what opened my eyes was your reaction. I was sure that if there were no rules you would have told me something like 'I hope in sixty years we will be as in love as they are', but you knew I would freak out, so you just held me tighter as we watched me. . . That's when I realized you were holding your feelings to yourself, that you were lying to me to obey the rules, that the rules were broken a long time ago . . . I knew right away that I had made a mistake, I knew it had to stop or I would be hurting you even more than I already done . . . I'm not perfect, but I keep trying to hold on to my vow this time. Coz that's what I said I would do from the start. That's what I said when I got the results.


I still couldn't believe it. It was like an old bad nightmare I was having all over again. Or am I in hell? Because I'm not alive if I'm lonely, it's as if someone sucked my life out of me again. You said you didn't want to hurt me, so please . . . don't leave! It's like a loop in my head that I can't stop playing.

We were so happy Bella. I know you were happy. I know you were in love. You thought you were so smart, and I let you believe so. First time it happened, I thought you just couldn't sleep. You were sitting in the chair and looking at me as if you were trying to memorize every single part of me. You looked so peaceful that I didn't have the heart to tell you I was awake. Then I found out that you were doing it almost every night. Just watching me; sometimes with a smile, sometimes with tears. But all in all you looked peaceful, and so in love. It was the only time you were free to feel something. But after you got tired and your eyelids started to drift shut you'd crawl back into bed and snuggle up to me as if I was the one running.

So why did you crash my world one more time? I don't understand, because everything was so perfect with you. . . So tell me, Bella, tell me, Love! Was it something I said? Or just my personality?

But there are no answers to my questions. The only thing coming from you is silence. Still, it doesn't stop me, because I know you more than myself. In the time we spent together, making every kind of silence, you taught me to understand what you say even when making no sound. The silence you are making this time, it takes a lot to realize. I know you are hurting yourself with this separation, I just don't understand why. If you were so over me, you wouldn't refuse to talk to me. You wouldn't have forbidden all of our friends to say a word about you. I know you are hiding something, I just don't understand why. But until I get all of my answers, Bella, Love, I won't let you go. If I have to, I will try to persuade you that it's worse to finish than to start all over with me. It's the truth after all. But even if it doesn't make a difference, then know there are two principles in my life that won't ever change – loving you and never let it be.


I knew the words were needless, but I hoped that you would understand. I knew you always read behind the actual words I was saying and you were always right. But once in a lifetime I need you to listen to those three words "let it be". . . I knew you were looking for me, asking everyone. But I made my mind and as long as I can feel you holding on, I won't fall again. I won't do this mistake ever again. Even if you said I was wrong.


How could you done this to me? Bella? Love? What? Now you are telling me the truth? The truth I begged for so many times? Now? When you're caught in a lie and you've got nothing to hide?

I thought I was fucking hallucinating hearing you speak. Who could've known I had to get totally wasted and cut my hand so deep that it needed to stitches to actually find you? So I tried to listen to you closely and realized you were speaking about how much time you had left? WTF? I had to know what was going on, but no words were needed anymore when I saw my father by your side. The image already familiar in my memory from a couple of months ago. . . It was only a month that we'd not seen each other, but you'd already changed so much. . .

I can't believe you didn't tell me you were dying! Me, of all people? Oh Bella. Was it because of my mother? Because she died of cancer? Don't be a martyr Love, it's the least I can do for you, to stand by your side in the time you have left. In time I have left, because there will be no life for me in a world where your heart does not beat. When you've got nowhere to run and you've got nothing inside your heart for me, then why are you running away from me? Why are you running if it is not a lie and you really don't love me? Oh yes, I know you Love; know you better than you know yourself. I know you are lying again, but I still don't get why. . .

You said you wanted to protect me. You told me you didn't want me to remember you that way. You told me you wanted to break my heart so I can move on faster. You said you were doing it all for me. . . Honestly? It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me, you thought that you knew, but did you make sure you were right? Why be a saint, Love? I don't need your sacrifice. Why don't you want just enjoy the time left with the love of your life? I will have a lifetime to try to forget you, but God didn't give you a second chance to fall in love with somebody else. Let me love you until we run out of time. Let me love you until your heart stops beating. Let me love you every day as if it was the last time together. Let me love you. . .


I know you don't remember what you said that time. But it's like a tattoo on my brain, burning every time I look into your eyes. Only once did we spoke about your mother, and it was enough for me to make a vow when I realized I would die in a couple of months.

I saw how detached you were from the world while speaking about her. As if you were trying to open this chest in another world. In a world where it won't hurt so much. You said back then that there was no worse experience than to watch your mother dying day after day. To watch the life leaving her body, sucking the beauty out of her on the way. You said you had the worst images messing your memories of her . . . such as finding her lying on the floor in her own vomit, or watching your dad silently crying in the night over your own mother's body. You said you would never forget those images, that they would always haunt you. And I understood, because I knew I would never get the image of your bright blue eyes crying over her out of my head either. Though, you said you hoped that one day you would be lucky enough to forget; you hoped that you would never have to witness such a thing again.

I know I am not perfect, but I keep trying to do my best to spare you, to not be the one that takes all your hopes away, to not be the one you pray to forget about. I will do my damn best to save you from those images, coz that's what I said I would do from the start. . .


Maybe it was because of the events of the previous day, speaking to you again, or just my unconsciousness finally solving the problem on its own. But it didn't matter anyway. The only thing that mattered was I knew why you left. . . It all suddenly made sense. I understood why you were running, whilst your heart was screaming for me. I suddenly understood why you were so desperate to persuade me to let you go.

I really believed those words when I said them back then. Until today. Because today I knew there was an even worse thing that could happen, something that could hurt more than the image of my own mother slowing dying right before my eyes. And that thing was actually not to be able to hold your little hand in mine while you were going through all I witnessed with my mom. Knowing you would be there all alone and scared. It would be the end of my world not being with you as your soul finds its way to the angels, where you truly belong. I know I'm not perfect, but I keep trying to find you, to make you believe me and let me love you like you deserve. . . Until your heart stops beating Bella, my Love, I will keep trying. . .

~ A failure is not always a mistake,

It may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances.

The real mistake is to stop trying.~

B. F. Skinner

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I am afraid I can't express gratitude big enough, that it would be able to mirror the beta'ing work CheekyC have done for this story! THANK YOU!

If you review.. "I will be surprised and on the cloud nine" would be an underestimation...

"I didn't like it" - is review too, and I DO appreciate that one lot more than hearing nothing at all from you..