And now it's time for Bum Reviews. With Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's Review...Mass Effect 2
OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!
We will give everything! We will fight for the SPOILERS!
So there's this guy, named Commander Shepard!
And he can be ANYONE you want!
He can be black...
And even a Lesbian!
I WAS A LESBIAN ONCE!
That was one crazy Yom Kippor, believe you me!
So he dies in like, the first five minutes of the game!
Wow, that game was short.
But Cerberus revives him!
So he gets contacted by the Elusive Guy.
AND HE'S LIKE:
"You work for Cerberus now."
"Wait, why would I work for a terrorist organization that I fought in the last game?"
"Piss off. I'm gonna go recruit party members."
So Shepard has to recruit a whole bunch of people!
Like this one guy, named Thane.
AND HE'S LIKE:
"I'm a cold assassin with a sensitive side and a dead wife."
"So you're basically here for the fangirls."
"Pretty much, yeah."
And there's this one girl, named Jack.
She has tattoos...
a shaved head...
swears a lot...
and kills people...
She's just like my mom!
And there's this other guy, named Grunt!
AND HE'S LIKE:
"THIS IS SPAR- I mean - I AM KROGAAAAN!"
And there are these two other squad members, named Garrus and Tali, who returned from the first game.
And Tali is romancamable!
And so Is Garrus!
Wait, how would that work?
I mean they got those tiny waists and those bone-faces.
In fact, now that I think about it, who would find that hot to begin with?
But I digress.
And they're off to stop THE COLLECTORS!
...That's not really an intimidating name.
I mean, what they gonna do? Conquer the galaxy with stamps and pokee-mon cards?
So you go to Horizon to fight the Collectors!
And you meet one of your old squad-mates!
"Shepard I thought you were dead!"
"Well I'm not!"
"Wanna join my crew?"
"Sure! Bet we can fight Cerberus too!"
"Actually, I'm working for Cerberus!"
"Wait, why would you work for a terrorist organization that you fought in the last game?"
"Piss off. I'm leaving."
And then, after recruiting these guys, you have to earn their loyalty by doing quests for them!
Wow, who knew so many of my squad-mates would have so many issues?
I'm a commander! Not a therapist!
And then you have to leave the ship with your entire squad...for some reason.
And then the Collectors invade the Normandy and kidnap your crew! So you have to go save them!
Or you can just keep goofing off with all those sidequests. They'll die, but I REALLY need to blow up those monkeys on Tuchanka.
Blowing up monkeys never gets old!
So depending on whether or not you want to be a douchebag, you go through the Omega Relay right after your crew gets kidnapped.
But not before you get down and funky with your love interest!
I romanced Tali! So I'm a...Ro-Tali-er!
I'm working on it.
AND SHE'S LIKE:
"I love you Shepard!"
"I love you too, Tali! Take off your mask!"
"Wow! You are hot!"
AND I WAS LIKE:
"The hell? How come my avatar gets to see Tali's face and I don't?"
I was cock-blocked by my own avatar!
WHAT AN ASSHOLE!
And so, Shepard goes through the relay!
And he blows up the Collector Ship!
BOOYAH! LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE BEING BLOWN UP!
So after that, they go the Collector Base, so they can blow it up!
AND MY SHEPARD WAS LIKE:
"Wow, this is going great! Nobody's dead so far!"
AND TALI'S LIKE:
"This door's jammed, but I think I can-"
How could this happen?
I mean, I picked Grunt as a squad leader! If a mindless berserker with a thirst for violence and little regard for the safety of himself and others isn't the perfect leader, then who is I ask you?
I'll never love again!
At least not until Mass Effect 3.
That one blue girl with the big boobies gets carried away by the buggies!
What the hell? She was my back-up booty call in case Tali died!
Dammit Jacob! I picked you for the shield because you were so damn good at blocking in that one Old Spice commericial!
OLD SPICE BIOTIC BODY WASH! BLOCKS COLLECTORS FOR UP TO SIXTEEN HOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRS!
And then Grunt gets shot in the gut!
Ha! Serves you right for letting Tali die!
You're next, Jacob!
And then, we face off against the final boss.
And it's a HUMAN-REAPER!
AND THE HUMAN-REAPER IS LIKE:
AND SHEPARD IS LIKE:
*BANG BANG BANG!*
And the Elusive Guy calls Shepard after the fight.
AND THE ELUSIVE GUY IS LIKE:
"Don't blow up the base! Give the technology to Cerberus!"
"Wait, why would I hand over advanced technology to a terrorist organization?"
"Piss off. I'm blowing it up."
AND THEN THE HUMAN-REAPER IS LIKE:
And then Shepard falls. And he runs back to the Normandy with buggies and collectors chasing him!
AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:
"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP."
AND JOKER'S LIKE:
"Say hello to my little friend!"
*DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA*
"Wait, aren't you supposed to be a cripple who can barely walk?"
"Piss off. Get me outta here."
And so the Normandy escapes just as the Collector Base blows up!
And then, the Elusive Guy contacts Shepard.
AND SHEPARD'S LIKE:
"Ha-ha! I blew up the collector technology to keep it our your hands!"
"Wait, why would you blow up technology that could provide us with valuable insight into the Reapers that could give us the edge we so desperately need in the coming war?"
"Piss off. You're fired."
AND THE REAPERS ARE LIKE:
"Hey, what happened to that Human-Reaper? The one the Collectors were building to replace Sovereign so we could activate the Citadel?"
"Shepard blew it up."
"AGAIN? Screw it. Let's just take the long way."
This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE? YA GOT CHANGE? AH, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!
At least give me enough money for that Shadow Broker DLC! Maybe Liara can be my back-up for my back-up booty call.
Seriously though, Mass Effect 2 was EPIC.