Author's note: Italics represent the past. Underlined italics are dreams.
Set at no specific time. Before Will/JJ.
Childhood had no real meaning anymore. Days blurred together. Nights haunted me. Secrets. Truth. Lies. It all made no sense anymore.
I was lost, drowning in a world I did not belong.
Everything was my fault. Everyone blamed me; even my own mother. Yelling, screaming, everything always my fault.
As I blew out the eight candles atop my cake, I could feel nothing but his hand on my shoulder, his eyes watching my every move. My mother glared at me, her eyes burning into my flesh.
Why had she even given birth to me? Just to hate me?
I barely noticed the knock on my door, I barely noticed Dr. Spencer Reid step into my office. I could barely hear him calling my name…
"JJ!" Reid said, his voice louder than I'd ever heard it; his eyes wide with panic. I lifted my head slowly, showing the sweet smile that was only skin deep. I forced my eyes to sparkle, just as I always had.
"Good morning Spence." I said, taking a sip of my coffee.
"Morning." He mumbled, "Hotch needs you in his office."
"Okay, be there in a minute." I said, smiling again; my normal cheery self. I watched Reid leave and sighed before finishing off my coffee and heading to Hotch's office.
"You wanted to see me?" I asked confidently.
"Sit." Hotch said, staring out the window.
"Is everything alright?" I asked.
"A case was sent directly to me, I wanted to brief you on it before I brief the others, it's…bad."
Young girls. Raped and murdered, everyone had just stared as Hotch presented the case. I knew this would be a case that would tear all of them apart in one way or another. I didn't know how many more of the cases I could stomach. Retirement at my age? I wondered if I would get any benefits...
I stared out the window of the plane as we cut through the skies; no one said a word, each in their own little world, trying to block out the horror of what was to come. My world was the least pleasant…one I would never escape.
His eyes, watching me always. His fingers pushed my golden hair behind my ears.
"Kitten, my sweet Kitten." He whispered, his hot breath fanned my face. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run; I had to settle for the tears that slid down my cheeks.
Mom. I wanted my mom.
Two endless days had passed, with little progress. I lounged around my hotel room in my pajamas going over the case files. I stared at the crime scene photos, young girls posed; he loved them. That realization sent me running for the toilet, emptying the contents of my stomach.
Sicko. This man was a complete sicko.
There was a quick tap on my door. I rinsed out my mouth and raced to answer it.
"Hey JJ," Prentiss said when I answered the down, looking me up and down. "Did I wake you?"
"No, I've been reviewing the files…" I said trying to fix my hair a little.
"Well, we're all going out, do you want to come?" She asked. I stared at her for a minute, how could they go out when a girl was being raped and murdered somewhere, a young girl. It took me only a minute to realize that this was how they relieved their stress. Going out would clear their minds so that they would work better tomorrow. I sighed and nodded my head.
"Just give me ten minutes."
Shadows on the wall, growing closer…closer…
The door handle turned slowly, he was coming. I closed my eyes and waited until I felt the bed shift under his weight, warmth radiating off of his body. His breath fanned my face, soar, nauseating.
His hands slowly lowered the covers, leaving me exposed, shivering. Hot tears streaming.
"Please." I whimpered, he didn't seem to care. No one cared.
"JJ, JJ it's okay!" I heard Morgan saying calmly as I woke up the next morning.
Morgan? What was he doing here?
"Morgan?" I whispered, blinking.
"You were screaming; we…um…let ourselves in." He said; looking up towards Prentiss and Reid, who were watching me anxiously. Morgan's hand rested lightly on my shoulder, I shrugged away and climbed out of bed and into the bathroom. I was a mess, there were dark circles under my eyes, and my hair was a mess. I ran my fingers through my hair and rinsed my face.
"JJ are you okay?" Reid asked, standing in the doorway. I looked up at him with innocent eyes, when his concerned expression didn't relax I sighed.
"It's just the case." I said, it was half true.
"Do you need to take the day off?" He asked; I shook my head.
"No I got it, just give me half an hour to get cleaned up." They all nodded and left the room; I locked the door behind them, my body trembling. I leaned against the door and slid to the ground, warm tears escaping my eyes for the first time in years. I rocked back and forth, running my fingers through my hair. "Please." I whispered again and again. Nothing could erase the past.
I don't know if I like how it starts but….I guess it'll do for now.