(A/N): The story of how this story came into being

Me: "Oh nooo, I'm supposed to have a mini-talk for the class about the history of Chinese writing in five minutes, and I don't know ANYTHING! Where the heck is my computer? Need Google, now!"

My sister: "Well, good luck with that! And if you can't find any information, remember: you can always improvise!"

So many thanks to my sister, Rakamia, for giving me this idea, and for betaing it when it was finished. If you have any complaints about the story, please send them to her. If you have any praise for the story, please send them to me. (Good sisters always share...)

Disclaimer: Don't own Death Note. Don't own Stephen Hawking. Own cake.


L looked at the cake. It was pink. There was a strawberry on it. The strawberry was red. L had always heard that pink and red were two colours that did not go well together, but apparently that information was wrong. L ate the cake.

As he ate it, he considered what he was going to do today. First, he would eat some more cake. Then he would eat some ice cream. Then he would take a look at that serial killer in France. Then he would read a nice, relaxing book. Perhaps something by Stephen Hawking.

Just as L was congratulating himself on this nice scheme for his relaxing day, his computer beeped and a large W showed up on the screen. L pressed the button on the microphone and said, "Yes, Watari, what is it?"

"L", Watari greeted him. "The Japanese police force are all gathered and are waiting to hear your thoughts on the Kira case."

"…my thoughts on what?"

"Eh – the Kira case? Serial killer? Criminals all over the world dead because of unexplainable heart attacks? Great show-down on TV to prove that the killer is based in Japan?"

"Oh. That case."

"Yes. Shall I connect you to the speakers now, so you can explain your theories to the Japanese police?"

"…yes. Yes, I suppose you'd better."

As L waited to be connected to the speakers, he considered his situation. Result: it was bad. And why was it bad? Because he had totally forgotten that he was supposed to talk to the Japanese police today, and therefore he had not prepared anything to say. Crap. What to do? He needed a plan.

A little green light on his screen told him that he was now connected to the speakers, and L decided to do the only thing he possibly could: improvise.

"Good day. This is L. I am now going to share with you my thoughts on the Kira case so far." On his screen he could see the police looking attentively at the screen with the gothic "L" on it, excitement clear on their faces.

"After many hours of thinking and thinking and… thinking… I have reached the conclusion that Kira is… probably…" L looked desperately around the room for inspiration. His eyes found the leftovers from his earlier feast. Inspiration struck. "…very fond of cake," he said and gave himself a mental pat on the shoulder. Then he saw the look of the Japanese police, and decided to wait a little longer to celebrate.

"Fond of cake? And how did you reach that conclusion, L?" one of the officers asked doubtingly.

"Ehr… how I reached the conclusion. Yes. Well, you see. Because Kira is only killing criminals, it must mean that he is aiming for a better world where everybody is kind to each other. And that must mean he has a very childish, naïve and girlish personality. Not that all girls are childish and naïve. I know many tough girls myself. But that's aside from the point. The point is that Kira likes cute things, and therefore probably likes cake. That's only logical."

"I don't really see how that's logical."

"Well, get some glasses and look harder. So, that's my first conclusion. Kira is fond of cake. And my second conclusion for today… um… 101 written in the binary numeral system is 5 in the decimal numeral system."

"… and how is that connected to the Kira case?"

"It isn't, I'm just trying to educate you a little. Any more questions so far?"


"Good. Then onwards to my third conclusion, which is… Kira is probably a supporter of capital punishment."

"You don't say?"

"I do, actually. Questions? No? Fuc… good, I mean good. Clearly, you are a group of smart people. So, third conclusion…"

"You already said that."

"I did? Yes, I did. How clever of you to notice. Right then. Fifth conclusion…"

"You didn't tell us the fourth conclusion!"

"I am L. Please don't interrupt me when I'm speaking. Fifth conclusion: Kira's ancestors were apes."

"...are you telling us Kira is an ape?"

"No, I'm telling you his ancestors were apes. Don't they teach Darwinism in Japanese schools? Please look up Darwinism on the Internet. That will be your homework for next time. Until then, please try not to get yourself killed. Have a nice continued day." And with that, L broke the connection.

He pushed his chair back from the computer and took a long, deep breath. Who said being the world's top detective was easy?

L rose from his chair and went into the kitchen to hunt down some much-needed sweets.