Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or I Love Lucy, and I certainly do not claim to.

AN: Blame it on Red Witch. Blame it on Red Witch. Blame it on Red Witch!

I Love Kitty

Episode Three:

The Diet

Anna had long ago taken over a lot of Kitty's cooking duties, for Piotr's sake. The two couples spent a lot of time together, and it was just safer for themselves and the apartment. So that night, the four of them relaxed in Kitty and Piotr's living room after eating a lovely Southern meal. They were all drinking Piotr's coffee.

"Boy, Remy ate too much," he said.

"Me, too. I can hardly move," Piotr said.

"They make quite a picture, don't they, Kitty?" Anna asked.

"Yeah, like, Porky and Fatso taking it easy," Kitty agreed.

Naturally, Remy and Piotr, who are only a little overweight, take offense to this. Remy glared at the girls. "Please, no nagging on a full stomach, petite. Besides, c'est your fault, chère, you put too much food on t'e table."

"Y'all didn't have ta eat everythin' in sight," Anna snapped back.

"Remy only ate 12 crawdads," he complained.

"Like, 16, but who counts," Kitty corrected.

Anna's jaw dropped. "Rems, did ya really eat 16 crawdads!"

"You heard what t'e crawdad counter said," he replied.

"Don't worry about it," Kitty said. "Piotr ate more crawdads than, like, all of us put together." Kitty hadn't eaten any actual crawdads, but Anna had made some lovely tofu crawdads that she had gorged on shamelessly.

"Naturally," Piotr responded.

"Naturally?" Kitty asked.

"Because I am so much the bigger than everyone else," Piotr said. He changed to his metal form to prove his point.

"Funny how you girls were shoveling in t'at food, Remy t'ought you were using a conveyor belt," Remy said, just to get them back for commenting on his 16 crawdads.

"Can't help it," Anna replied, "eatin's my hobby."

"Yeah, you ought to, like, watch that, Anna," Kitty said, getting up to set her cup on the coffee table. Anna glared at her. "Of course it, like totally, doesn't matter what I eat because it doesn't go to fat."

"Vhat does it go to? Thin?" snapped Piotr.

Kitty turned to look at him. "For your information, I, like totally, weigh exactly what I weighed when we were married."


"Well, I do!" Kitty said, stomping her foot.

"Oh, come now," he said with a sarcastic laugh. "Remy, Anna, and I have all admitted ve are getting little tight, a little puffy, perhaps. Now vhy do you not break down and admit it, too?"

"Well, I would be very happy to join your tubby little trio if it were, like, true, but it, totally, isn't."

"Oh, Kitty, y'all're among friends. Let's be honest," Anna said. She wasn't very much over weight, and she knew Kitty wasn't much overweight either.

"I am being honest!" Kitty said. "When Piotr and I got married, I weighed 110 and I weigh exactly that right now."

"Let us be finding out," Piotr said, standing up to get the scales.

"Now, like, don't bother getting those bathroom scales. They're, like totally, broken!" Kitty called after him.

He leaned out of the hallway and said, "I fix them this morning."

Kitty sat on the arm of the couch and turned to Anna, "Anyway, I'm getting a little bored with this discussion, aren't you?"

"Nope," Anna said. She took a sip of her coffee.

"Oh, like, whose side are you on?" Kitty asked, kicking Anna's chair.

"Ah'm on the side of Piotr and his puffy pals," Anna snapped, making Remy laugh. He always loved her wit.

Piotr came back into the room, carrying the scales and told her to get on them. Remy and Anna gathered around. Kitty resisted but they finally got her on them. "Alright, how much do I weigh?"

"45 pounds, and stop leaning on us," Piotr told her.

She grimaced and stopped leaning on Piotr and Anna. "Like, now, how much?"

"Nothin', unphase," Anna replied.

"Fine!" she unphased and looked at the number. "132!"

Anna looked at her and stated, "On behalf of our tubby trio, Ah welcome ya ta our flabby foursome."

"Vell, now that is over vith, vhat are ve going to do tonight?" Piotr asked, putting the scale away.

"I don't know what you're going to do tonight, but I'm, like totally, going to kill myself," whined Kitty.

"Aw, Katya, so you gain a little veight. Is no big deal," Piotr told her.

"A little weight?" Kitty cried. "I walked into this room weighing 110. I now weigh 132. That's 22 pounds in 10 minutes!"

"Come on, Kit," Anna told her. "What if Ah cried every time Ah gained a pound?"

"We be up to our ears in tears," Remy said.

"Watch it, Swamp Rat," Anna growled.

"I'm, like, nothing but a big bloated bunch of blubber," Kitty said with tears forming in her eyes.

"Aw, honey, do not talk that vay," Piotr said, coming to stand behind her. "I vould not vant you any different than you are just now."

"You wouldn't?" Kitty whined.

"No," he said. "I like you plump."

Kitty started sobbing loudly. She leaned onto Remy's shoulder. Remy looked at Anna for help, but didn't receive any. He didn't know what to do.

Luckily for him, Piotr took over the job of comforting Kitty. "I did not mean it like that, Katya," Piotr said. "I mean you look pretty."

"I'm not worried about you, but how am I going to look on the stage!" She went back to crying.

"The stage!" Piotr exclaimed. "Oh, no. You are not going start that again, are you?"

"Piotr, I know you, like totally, don't want me in show business, but someday, in spite of you, opportunity will knock, and what will happen? I'll, like, be so big and fat I won't be able to get up and answer the door!"

The phone rang. As Piotr got up to answer it, he told her, "Oh, Katya, forget about it, you look vonderful." He reached the phone. It was someone from his work. "Hello. Hi, Pietro. Vhat? Oh, this is a fine time. Vhat am I supposed to do, dance all by myself? Okay, okay. Look, try to get some girls line up, and ve have audition in morning. Goodbye. Oh, hello! Hi, Pietro. Listen, Pietro, vhat vas size of new costume you had made up for Dani? Vell, get girls that size. Goodbye." He hung up.

Kitty stopped crying during the phone call. "What's the matter, Piotr?"

"Dani has quit," Piotr answered.

"Who's Dani?" Remy asked.

"Oh, that's terrible!" Kitty exclaimed.

"Who's Dani?" Remy asked.

"At a time like this," Piotr sighed.

"Who's Dani?" Remy asked.

"Why did she quit?" asked Kitty.

"Who's Dani?" Remy asked.

"She is to be getting married," Piotr told his wife.

"Who's Dani?" Anna asked.

"Danielle Moonstar is the girl who, like, dances with Piotr," Kitty supplied.

"Now what was Remy doing wrong?" Remy asked no one in particular.

"Now I must to be finding a girl vho can sing and dance and teach her the number by Saturday night," Piotr said with another sigh.

Kitty got up and started to dance around the room. She also sang nonsense at the same time.

"Cannot think of a soul," Piotr said, completely ignoring Kitty as she dance-kicked near his head. "Kitty, vould you stop that racket and let me think? Vhat are you so fidgety about? Are your clothes too tight?"

Kitty continued to dance. "No, I was, like, just about to suggest that in this very room, there's, like totally, a very pretty and talented young lady who's a wonderful singer and dancer," she said in a sing-song voice.

"Vho? Anna?" asked Piotr. Remy cocked an eyebrow because he knew how gracefully Anna could move. He winked at his wife, who blushed and shook her head.

"Who? Anna? No, not her! Me!" Kitty said with a pout. Piotr dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "Oh, Piotr, this is a wonderful chance for me! I, totally, know the number! I can take Dani's place! Please!"

"No, that is out of question," Piotr said firmly.

Kitty scowled at the man she loved. "Give me one good reason!"

"Vell, you are – you are too fat," Piotr stammered.

"Fat!" Kitty exclaimed, as if they had not just been arguing about her weight all evening.

"You said so yourself," Piotr told her, more firmly.

"A little plump maybe, but not fat," Kitty argued.

While this argument was taking place, Anna and Remy were watching, highly amused and trying not to laugh at them. However, Anna decided the argument might be getting a little personal. So she turned to Remy and said, "Come on, Rems, we betteh go."

"Aw, Remy want to stay and see t'e fight," he complained.

"We can have one when we get home," Anna insisted, tapping her foot. "Come on!" She grabbed his Cajun ear with her gloved fingers, carefully though because she didn't want to crush his ear with her super-strength.

Kitty intervened on Remy's behalf. "No, you two, like, stay right there; I want you for witnesses!" She turned back to Piotr. "Piotr Rasputin, I'm, like, asking you to give me the same chance you would, like, give anyone else. Let me come down and audition for you, just as if I were a stranger. You can forget you ever knew me!"

"That is very tempting offer," Piotr snapped out of anger.

A hurt look crossed Kitty's face. "Aw, can I audition for you? Can I?"

Piotr hated to see Kitty so unhappy. He really loved her more than life itself. He sighed. "Alright, alright, you can be coming down and auditioning in the morning."

Kitty turned to her visitors. "Remy and Anna, you heard that now! You're, like totally, witnesses!"

"Da, but it is going to be strictly business!" Piotr exclaimed, pointing his finger at Kitty. "I never saw you before in my life. Okay, Kitty?" Kitty didn't answer. "Kitty?"

Kitty turned her head to look at him. "I beg your pardon, have we been introduced?" Anna, Remy, and Kitty burst out laughing.

Kitty and Anna walked into Piotr's club the next morning. It was a lovely nightclub, and they were thrilled. At the piano, a man with giant wings sat playing a lovely classical tune. Kitty tried to ask him, but he ignored her completely. Instead she walked over where four girls were sitting on or around a table. She walked up to Amara and asked, "Is this where Piotr Rasputin is auditioning girls for the dance?"

"Yeah, honey," Amara answered, "but if I'd known he wanted older women, I'd have sent my mother." This gets a laugh out of Tabitha, Jubilee, and Rahne.

Kitty looked like she was going to punch her, but Anna held her back. "Don't let that yahoo botheh ya none, sug." She pushed her toward the other side of the table.

Kitty sat in a chair beside the table and looked up at Tabby. "I guess we're all, like, auditioning for the same part, huh?"

Tabby smacked her gum and replied, "Can I give you a tip?"

"Oh, yes!" Kitty said, being very nervous.

"I've known the tin man for a long time," Tabby announced.

"Oh?" Kitty said.

"You're not his type," Tabby declared rudely.

Kitty's face went blank. She wanted to die laughing right then, but that would give away her little secret. Not Piotr's type, ha! She thought. She glanced at Anna. Anna was giggling uncontrollably, and Anna almost never giggled. She looked at the other girls. They were each dressed in short shorts and low-cut tops. She looked at her slacks and sweater combo and felt out of place. So she rolled up her pant legs to her knees and unbuttoned her sweater a bit. She pulled it down off her shoulders, rolled up the sleeves, and tucked the bottom up to show off her midriff. She looked ridiculous.

When she was finished, Piotr walked into the room with a, "Hi, Varren. Hi, girls. Sorry to have been keeping you vaiting."

Warren nodded at him, and kept playing. Piotr set the costume on the piano.

Tabby, Amara, Jubilee, and Rahne all stood up and said, "Hi, Mr. Rasputin."

Kitty got up quickly after them and said, "Hi, Mr. Rasputin."

Piotr looked over and did a double take. He was embarrassed for his wife, but had to keep up the act. "Let us all line up here. Let us all line up," Piotr said to the girls as he pointed to where he wanted them to line up. Kitty had trouble getting into the line, but she pushed her way through into the middle, gaining dirty looks from Rahne and Jubilee. "Ve might as vell get started. Let us see vhat you can do." He gave Kitty another odd look. "Ve vill, uh, ve vill start vith a time step. Okay, Varren?"

Warren started to play a different tune, and Jubilee, Rahne, Amara, and Tabby all danced together as if they had choreographed it. Kitty was left trying to keep up.

Piotr couldn't take it anymore. "That is fine. That is fine. That is enough for now. That is fine, girls. That is fine." He picks up the costume. "Now, eh, you are all size five now, are you?"

The four other girls said, "Yeah," immediately.

Kitty was not a size five anymore. "Yes," she said nervously.

"Vell," Piotr said, "that is good because vhoever gets job has to vear this size five costume." He held it up for the girls to see. He pointed to Kitty and said, "Now, uh, Miss, uh…" He frowned because he didn't know what to call her. He couldn't call her Mrs. Rasputin, or he would destroy the act.

Kitty pointed to herself, "Me? Pryde."

"Miss Pryde," Piotr said. He suddenly had a flashback to their past while they were still dating. He sighed. He motioned for her to come to him, "Come over here, please." She did. "Now, I vant you to take this costume into the dressing room and put it on. Then ve see vhat you can do vith the number."

"Like, yes, sir!" Kitty said. She took the costume and headed to the dressing room. "Thank you!" She managed to grab Anna to help her get the costume on.

Half an hour later, Piotr paced the room. Warren counted the ceiling tiles. Tabby filed her nails. Amara primped in a mirror. Rahne sat on the table with her elbow resting on her crossed knees and her head in her hand. Jubilee played a game on her cell phone, trying hard not to destroy this one with her powers – again. Piotr stopped pacing and let out a deep breath, "Miss Pryve, uh, Miss Pryde?"

"Like, yeah?" she called from the dressing room.

"How are you coming along?"

"Well," Kitty drew out. "I'm, like, almost done putting the costume on!"

"Vell, hurry up, ve are vaiting," he said, leaning on Warren's piano.

"I, uh, I'll be right there. All I have to do is, like, fasten it!"

"Ve are vaiting."

"Just this one last…" A ripping sound came from the dressing room. "Oh!"

"Vhat happened?" Piotr asked. Warren stood up.

Kitty walked into the room. The costume was in tatters. She blushed deeply. The younger girls laughed. "It's, like totally, a very small size five."

Piotr started ranting in Russian to Warren, who looked at him unknowingly, since he didn't understand a word. He turned his rant to Kitty.

She looked at him nervously and said, "Spasiba?" (1)

He glared at her. "Now, I have to be getting new costume."

"Oh, no, you don't, Mr. Rasputin. It's only split in the seams. I can, totally, get Anna to sew it up for you."

"Oh, ya can?" Anna groaned.

Kitty glared at her. Anna glared back.

Piotr took another deep breath. "Look, never mind. Just take it off and leave it in the dressing room, and do not call us; ve vill call you."

"Oh, but Mr. Rasputin," Kitty whined.

"Vhat?" he answered, turning to look at her.

"If I, like, get thin enough to fit the dress, can I, like, have the part?"

A look of frustration appeared on Piotr's face, "Look, the number goes in by Saturday. You could not possibly get thin enough by then."

"But if I do by then, can I?" Kitty begged.

In order to appease her, Piotr nodded. "Alright, alright, good bye."

Kitty ran to Anna. "You, like, heard him, Anna! If I get thin enough to fit the costume, I can, totally, have the part!"

"Do ya really think y'all can take off 12 pounds in four days?" Anna asked.

"I'm going to get rid of this fat if I, like, have to chop it off with a cleaver!" Kitty said excitedly. They left.

Three days later, Anna sat with a stopwatch and a chart. Kitty, dressed in sweats, was running around the apartment, both inside and out, phasing through things as needed. When Kitty came in the next time, Anna stopped the watch and called out, "Wait, wait! That was the last lap."

Kitty dragged herself back into the living room and leaned against the chair.

Anna stood up. "Oh, that's great! Ya did that in two and a half minutes flat! Ya now hold the national indoor record fer the fourth floor dash!" She slapped Kitty on the back cheerfully.

All Kitty could do was breathe heavily and nod at her.

"Y'all've done good work," Anna said. "Ya deserve a rest period."

"Thanks," managed Kitty. She plopped into the chair, feeling half alive.

As soon as her butt hit the chair, Anna smacked her hand on the desk. "Okay, sugah, time's up."

Kitty's eyes grew wide as she forced herself to stand back up.

Anna got up holding a jump rope. "Now y'all have time ta jump this rope 500 times before the boys come home fer dinner."

Kitty shook her head.


Kitty shook her head.


Kitty shook her head again.

Anna placed the jump rope on Kitty's shoulder. "Well, do as many as ya can."

Kitty tried. She got through two and a half, but fell into the chair again.

"Aw, bless yer heart," Anna said softly. "Y'all've worked really hard. Let's weigh ya." She got the scales from under Kitty's chair. She set Kitty's feet on the scale and tried to help her up, but Kitty's legs flopped off. She set them on the scale again. She tried to lift her, but her hands went right through. She gave Kitty a look. Kitty unphased. She lifted her unto the scales, and Kitty very nearly fell down. "Stiffen up, Kit!" Kitty did and the girls looked down at the scale. "Another five ounces! In three days, y'all've lost nearly two pounds!"

Kitty did not look very happy over this. "Oh, great…"

"Oh, don't get discouraged, sug. Only 10 pounds ta go," Anna waved her sarcasm off. She kicked the scale under the chair. "We'll get ya in a size five."

"Yeah, like, a size five shroud," Kitty declared.

"Now, take a shower and clean up," Anna said. "Ah'll get dinner."

"Dinner?" Kitty gave Anna a goofy grin and licked her lips. "Okay." Anna started to go to the kitchen, while Kitty tried to walk. Her head and upper half turned in the right direction, but her feet stayed firmly in place.

Anna gave her an odd look. "What's the matter?"

"I, like, can't seem to move! Can you, like point me in the right direction?" Kitty answered. Anna pointed her in the right direction and gave her a push. "Thanks," she said as she phased her way through the furniture and walls to get to the shower.

At dinner time, a little purple dragon sat beside the table, which had been set up in the living room. Remy, Kitty, and Piotr sat at the table. Kitty smiled at the two men, happily dreaming about food. Anna walked in carrying two plates. She set the first one in front of Piotr. "Here ya are, Piotr." She set the second one in front of her own husband. "Here ya are, Rems, a nice juicy steak." She left to go get the other plates.

"Oh, Remy loves steak," he said with a grin.

Kitty grinned merrily at the lovely steaks that looked like they were cooked perfectly. There were mashed potatoes with butter and gravy. She licked her lips. She was so hungry that even meat looked good, but Anna had told her she was fixing a special vegetarian meal for her. The thought made her mouth water.

"I hope you do not mind Lockheed being inside. Ve normally keep him outside, but is raining pretty hard," Piotr said.

"No, not at all. Lockheed is one of the least destructive pets in the apartment complex. Remy hardly knows he's here." He petted Lockheed's head. Lockheed seemed to enjoy the petting.

Anna walked in with Kitty's plate. "Here ya are, Kitty." She set the plate in front of Kitty. Apparently, a special vegetarian meal consisted of one stalk of celery. Kitty frowned deeply. Anna sat down with her own plate, which was full of steak and mashed potatoes. Kitty defiantly grabbed the steak sauce and the salt and pepper. She dumped a bunch out over her celery and proceeded to eat it unhappily with a knife and fork. Anna leaned over to look at Remy. "How's yer steak, sug?"

"Parfait, just t'e way Remy like it, chère," he said with a smile.

She grinned and turned to Piotr, "Is yer steak alright, Piotr?"

"Oh, is delicious," Piotr answered. Anna smiled and went back to eating her own steak. "How is your's?"

"Fine, nice and tender," she said before taking another bite.

Kitty waited for someone to ask her about her food. No one did. She had another conversation with herself. "How's your celery, Kitty? Oh, delicious, thanks. Is it cooked enough for you? Oh, yes, just the way I like it, nice and tender."

"Pass the potatoes, Piotr?" Remy asked.

"Oh, sure, here you go," Piotr said. He picked up the bowl and handed it across the table.

Kitty saw this as an opportunity. She picked up her fork and got herself a huge scoop. Anna wouldn't let her eat though. She grabbed Kitty's arm and ate the bite of potatoes before Kitty could phase her arm. Kitty glared at her.

The guys ignored the exchange completely. "T'anks, Piotr."

"You are most velcome," Piotr said.

"Say, Remy's forgettin' 'bout poor Lockheed," he said.

"Yeah, let us not forget about him," Piotr said.

"Remy's gonna give him a nice, juicy piece of t'is steak." First, he made Lockheed beg. Then, he handed Lockheed a bit of meat. Lockheed happily accepted it with a wag of his little dragon tail.

Kitty watched the exchange greedily. She begged along with her pet. She was disappointed when no one paid her any attention.

"You wanna t'ank Remy?" he asked the dragon. Lockheed responded by licking his hand. The dragon had a great fondness for the couple who came over every day and made sure he never got any leftovers of Kitty's cooking.

Kitty was still standing. "I, like, can't stand anymore. I'll, totally, be back later!" She started walking towards the kitchen. She could still smell the aroma of Anna's cooking. There had to be more potatoes in there.

"Nah uh, stay outa the kitchen, Kit," Anna called.

Kitty turned and went out the front door instead.

"How 'bout anot'er biscuit, Anna?" Remy asked. He was in a good mood the past week because they had stopped fighting every five minutes and settled on one good fight a day. This new fighting schedule would probably change before too long, but Remy and Anna were happy with it for now.

"Oh, please," Anna said.

The door shut. Immediately, it quietly opened and Kitty crawled back in, making sure no one noticed her doing it. They were all too busy passing green beans and biscuits. She made it under the table with Lockheed and pulled him close to her.

"Hey, I did not give Lockheed anything," Piotr said suddenly.

"Well, we can't have that," Anna said.

"Indeed," Remy agreed. Lockheed was a really good pet and rarely burned anything down.

"Here you are, Lockheed," he said. He held down a biscuit. Kitty took it and pushed Lockheed out of the way. "Are you going to thank me?" Kitty paused just as she was going to take a bite and liked her husband's hand. While she was doing that, Lockheed grabbed the biscuit. Kitty started wrestling with him. She hit the table, making it bounce. The others looked at each other.

"Who be under t'ere?" Remy said as the table bounced a second time.

Kitty tried to pry open Lockheed's mouth, but couldn't.

Piotr cried out, "Vho is under table?"

"Nobody here but us dragons," Kitty said.

They looked under the table. "Kitty," Piotr said, sounding very disappointed. "Come out from under the table."

Kitty complied unhappily. She hated getting caught and without getting any food either.

"Now, what do you have to say for yourself?" Piotr asked.

"Rawr!" Kitty answered.


"Alright, you, like, don't have to get nasty about it," Kitty said. "I'm leaving." She started crawling toward the door.

"Vhere are you going?"

"I'm, like, going down to the corner bakery and smell the bread!" she said, standing up and phasing through the floor.

Kitty was sitting in a box. Her head poked out the top. She looked hot. Anna walked in saying, "Okay, let's get started on our roadwork fer the day. What's that?"

"A human pressure cooker," Kitty said.

"Please tell me ya didn't get that from Forge!"

"No, I'm not that stupid. I rented it from the gym," Kitty said.

A look of relief passed over Anna's face. She shook her head. "Ya really are determined, ain't ya?"

"Of course, I'm, like totally, gonna do that number with Piotr tonight!"

"Did ya lose enough weight?" Anna asked.

"I've got five more pounds to lose and five hours to do it in," Kitty said weakly. "This is my last day!"

Anna frowned. "Y'all spend five hours in that, and it really will be yer last day."

"My only chance, Anna," whined Kitty.

"Well, okay," Anna said, giving up. It was no use arguing with Kitty when she was being this stubborn. "Ah only hope ya know what y'all're doin'." She patted Kitty's head with a towel.

"I, totally, do. Check me at six tonight."

"Yer not really gonna spend all that time in there!"

"I certainly am!"

"Alright, but Ah'll have ta pick ya up with a blotter," Anna said as she left.

At six that night, Anna returned. "Okay, Kit, it's six o'clock. How are y'all doing?" Her eyes grew twice their normal size when she found the box empty. "Kitty!" She rushed to the box. "Where are ya?" She opened the box and peered inside. Kitty was not there. The only thing left in the box was a towel, sitting on the stool. She picked it up. "Kitty! Kitty, is this all that's left?" Anna was about to have a heart attack. She was worried about Kitty's powers and the box having a strange reaction that caused Kitty to melt. She almost started to cry.

Kitty phased through the bathroom wall in a robe and her hair wrapped in a towel. She plopped on the bed. "Practically."

Anna was extremely happy to see her friend. She sat down next to her. "Kitty, y'all gave me an awful fright. Thank Heaven y'all're here!"

"I'm, like, here alright, 120 pounds of me."

"Y'all did it!" Anna exclaimed.

"I'm, like totally, going down to the club and do that number," Kitty said.

"What about that other girl Piotr hired?"

"I'll, like totally, take care of her somehow," Kitty said with a wave of her hand. She got up to change. She nearly fell over, but caught herself on the box.

"Do ya really think y'all can make it?" Anna asked.

"Oh, don't worry about me. I'm, like, as strong as a very weak horse, but I'll make it." She fell unto the box's stool.

At the club, the band is playing a lively tune. They are dressed up like traditional Russian dancers. The melody is a little less Russian, however. Piotr stood in front of the band in a nice suit. He grabbed the bongo player's hat and turned to the crowd of diners. He began to sing the less-than Russian song. The song was a rumba, actually, and he danced along to the beat. He started singing, "They call me Russian Pete. I am king of the rumba beat." He sang through a whole chorus, but when he sang the last line, his jaw almost dropped for a moment because Kitty came onto the stage, decked out in the costume and twirling a sparkling bag. She looked gorgeous. She tapped his shoulder. Piotr turned and saw her. His eyes nearly fell out of his head. He groaned, "Oh, no." He couldn't mess up the dance or it would ruin the act. So he took off his hat and bowed. He looked nervous. Kitty stood there, twirling the bag and swinging her hips.

Kitty started to sing, "They call me Kitty Sweet. I'm the queen of Graymalkin Street." She danced and sang the routine well, making Piotr's heart flutter. "Excuse me, Mr. Pete?" She swung her hips and Piotr nearly fell over. He didn't realize just how well she knew the routine. He raised his eyebrows a couple times to the crowd, straightened his tie, and fixed his hat.

"Da Ma'am," he answered.

"Have the Russians a different beat?" Kitty sang. She swung her hips again, causing another response from Piotr like the first one. He had a feeling doing the routine with her would make it impossible for him to concentrate on dancing.

He sang an answer to her and took her hands. They danced the rumba together while he kept singing. Kitty hips swayed back and forth. Piotr had a hard time keeping his eyes off of them. This is vhy I did not vant her doing this, he thought. At the end of the act, they danced, arm in arm, off the stage. Piotr shook his hat at the crowd.

Anna and Remy were near the stage exit watching. They both grinned and clapped as Piotr and Kitty came out to bow to the crowd.

A few minutes later, Kitty lay down on a stretcher, surrounded by EMTs. She looked up at her husband, "Piotr?"

"Da, Katya?"

"Do I, like, get to be in the show every night now, Piotr?"

"Vell, I am 'fraid not, darling. You vere vonderful, but the doctors say you must to stay in bed for three veeks. You are suffering from malnutrition." He ruffled her hair.

"Ugh," Kitty groaned. The EMTs rolled her off, but as she passed by Anna, she handed her a key and pointed to a janitor's closet furiously.

Anna nodded, but didn't fully understand her urgency. She turned to unlock the closet. Looking in it, she rolled her eyes, sighed and opened the door wide. Inside was the dancer Kitty had replaced that night, all tied up, gagged, and stuffed into the sink.

AN: (1) Spasiba is the transliteration of the Russian word for thank you.

Ugh, I love the song "Cuban Pete," but I had trouble converting it to a version that wouldn't get me in big trouble with FF dot net. So I had to leave it out, and that is why I stopped writing this for a long time. However, in honor of Ms. Lucille Ball's 100th birthday, I decided to finish up the chapter and get it out today! Happy Birthday, Lucy!