For sweetkaitlyn's Zombieland prompt "You are like a giant cock blocking robot...like, developed in a secret fucking government lab."
Warning filthy language. Also rampant racism. I'm a self hating JewAsian? Sorry.
"I hate your Jew-face."
"Noted. Can you take a look at my math homework for me?"
"Only if you'll balance my checkbook. You're so good with money after all."
"Can do, Changster. Hey, I was wondering, I was watching your Uncle Bruce in Return of the Dragon the other day, and I was wondering if you could get an autograph for me?"
"You boys are incorrigible. I cannot understand how you consider this behavior friendship."
Puck smirked at Rachel's declaration and grabbed her hand, pulling her to him and kissing her lips very softly. He pulled away and smirked at her in his specific self-assured way as she dreamily walked away saying, "I'm going to ballet, but I'll see you later tonight, Noah."
Mike watched Rachel walk away and rolled his eyes at the sappy look on his friend's face. He kicked at Puck's shins and got his attention. He raised one eyebrow and said, "So, what, today is like, officially the eight day mark?"
"Yeah, we've officially beat our personal best," Puck nodded proudly. He and Rachel had never lasted more than seven days in the last three years of high school. The shortest relationship lasted fifteen minutes before they had shrieked each others heads off and broke up. The previously longest had been exactly seven and a half days before Quinn had decided to mess with Rachel's head about his faithfulness. Bitch.
"Coolio," Mike nodded. He smirked and said, "Hey, remember back in freshman year when you made out with Brittany when she and I were dating?"
Puck's eyes widened imperceptibly and he looked up at Chang with the slightest hint of curiousity, "Vaguely?"
"Really? Cause I sort of remember it REALLY clearly. Huh. Weird," Mike shrugged, walking away.
Puck watched him walk away, his heart going cold. Chang had just declared war. And even if Puck was a total badass, he couldn't help but squirm slightly in fear. Fuck. His. Life.
That very night, Puck's worst fears were realized. Rachel's dads had traveled to Pittsburgh on a business conference/couples vacation. It was going to be the greatest night in the world. He was going to set up shop in Rachel Berry's panties, finally. He could tell because she totally made ordered him chicken parm for dinner. She never ordered meat for him. He was SO getting laid.
"Michael? Oh, Michael! What's wrong? Please, come in, come in…"
Mike Chang. MOTHER FUCKING FUCKER.
"Tina…said that…she thought Artie was a better singer, and I-I just..."
Rachel smiled sadly and shrugged, "Not to demean your completely average singing abilities, Michael, but you aren't as good as a singer as Artie is…"
"OH GOD SHE'S GONNA LEAVE ME!" Mike wailed.
"No, no, we'll work on it…right now. Let me go and get a fresh notebook and we'll start working right now on improving your vocal skills. Never fear, Michael. Artie may have inherent musical ability that rivals many a boy band member, but we will work and never stop until Tina is officially impressed and wooed by your amazing singing prowess!"
Rachel ran up to her room to grab a notebook and Puck glared at his friend from the table as he viciously stabbed his chicken parm. Mike merely laughed, held up his arms crossed in front of him in an X shape as he chuckled, "BLOCKED JEW BITCH!"
The next time they had an opportunity to be alone together was three weeks later. They were staying at a hotel overnight after winning Sectionals. Schue had tried to set down ground rules, but the Gleeks were having none of it, and they had divied up the rooms according to their couplings and needs. Rachel was currently writhing atop him in his hotel bed, wrapped up in something lacy and definitely rippable. This was foolproof. Chang wouldn't be bothering him tonight, he had his own little lady to take care of.
"Ignore it baby…" Puck pleaded as Rachel froze atop him.
"Rach! I need your help!"
Tina Cohen-Chang's pleading voice drifted through the door to their hotel room. Rachel slid quickly off of Puck and the bed and wrapped herself securely in her dressing robe. She opened the door and Tina had her hand and was dragging her from the room in mere seconds. Puck growled as Chang ran up to the door, making an X with his arms and squealing,
And then he was shrieking through the halls as he ran as fast as he could from a murderous Puck.
Two months. TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO, Rachel had been ready. Eighteen attempts later and Chang was the cock blocking champion of the mother fucking world.
Quality time at the lake? Turned into a Glee Club bonfire.
"Blocked GRIPHOOK JEW GOBLIN!"
A rainy day afternoon in an empty Puckerman household? Somehow Finn had needed help with a flat tire on the side of the road. He saw Chang hiding in the bushes on the side of the road wearing cammo and holding a dart gun.
Prom night? The entire Glee Club was arrested. Not for something cool like having a majorly alcoholically fueled party. For jaywalking. The next day when they were let go on their own reconnaissance, Chang was standing by his Uncle, who just so happened to be Sherriff Chang. They both flashed him the X.
"BLOCKED JUVIE JEW!"
Fireworks show by the lake? His hands had been in her fucking panties. And suddenly they were bombarded with a million whirring firecrackers. Dastardly Asian bastard. Puck made sure Rachel was safe in his truck before rushing into the nearby wooded area and miraculously finding his supposed friend.
"BLOCKED YOU INGLORIOUS BASTARD!"
"Dude!" Puck bellowed. He stopped himself from smashing his friend's face in and took a deep breath. "You are like a giant cock blocking robot...like, developed in a secret fucking government lab."
"Damn right." Mike smirked.
"I'm really sorry that Brittany tricked me into making out with her freshman year. That sucked," Puck acknowledged. He held out his fist and Chang bumped it automatically. "We cool now?"
"Yeah…cool. Have fun with Rachel. I'll see you next week for X-box?" Mike smiled good-naturedly.
"Yeah, See ya Chang," Puck nodded as Mike slinked away ninja style into the shadows. He raised a devious eyebrow. "I'll see you, you Asian bastard."
"Yes, Mike, right there…yes!" Tina breathlessly moaned.
The door to the janitor's closet suddenly was ripped open, letting the harsh light of day filter in on Mike and Tina as they ceased and desisted their heavy petting.
"Sup bad drivers? I need your help with fixing my computer. Also, Rachel needs a mani/pedi, and I heard you guys rock at that. And damn, Chang. Your penis is way bigger than most Asians. That's at least two to three inches of wood you got there."
Tina rushed from the closet in embarrassment as Mike quickly adjusted himself and glared at Puck, who was holding his arms in a crossed X shape.
"BLOCKED JACKIE CHANG! Don't EVER mess with Puckzilla!"