Characters: Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan, Reid-centric.
Ratings: T / FRT
Warnings: Profanity. Suggestion of Suicide. Slash.
Spoilers: Post Season Five. Some Season Six.
Genre: Angst / Romance
Disclaimer: I own nothing and nothing from Criminal Minds, it belongs to their respective owners. No money is made from this, it is just for fun. What I do own is my cat named Fluffy-kins, she's gray with green eyes and is adorable I might add.
Summary: The darkness is overtaking Spencer, can Derek show him the light before it's too late to reach him?
A/N: My first one-shot and attempt at slash. Inspired by a song I love. The scenario always pops in my head when I listen to it, so I figured I might as well finally jaunt it down on Microsoft Word. Sorry if it's hard to follow, my mind is a Ferris wheel of crazy. I love slash, but it was just so weird to write it down for the first time, felt weird but good. Will definitively write more. Dedicated to my friend Rayne McKenna, because she rocks off people's socks lol.
Please type Hurts Illuminated into YouTube and listen to the song while you read this. It will make the experience a thousand times better. Enjoy!
Spencer walked down his apartment's hallway, not even caring anymore about placing his messenger bag on its usual spot; he just dropped it on the floor with a loud hard bang. He really shouldn't have done that, he had important stuff in it… oh well it was meaningless.
Like everything else in his life.
Would it get taken away to? It was inevitable after all. To all things he cares about, to that which he is allowed to hold onto for a little while, grow an attachment and need to it. Just to have it by so many different means ripped away from him, or in some cases, choose to rip those ties binding it to Spencer.
Today was a rough case. Very bad. He desperately needed and wished J.J. was still around. He needed her soft voice and gentle support, more than ever.
Or maybe he didn't.
It was her leaving that sparked the light to the darkness that was quaking Spencer slowly once again. Showed him how alone and dark his soul had become. He was surrounded by it so many times, climbed his way and found a light and held on for dear life and as always pulled himself out.
Not this time.
No. It's too strong a pull. Its sweet siren calls to him, like the warm sun to a blooming flower. He yearns for its solace of blinding nothingness. He knows it will sting and burn, but that's exactly what he wants he realizes. With that realization, his right hand grips his left arm in a tight squeeze as if to bring the moment to life, and for the first time all day, he really smiles.
Derek Morgan was at a local bar, it was late enough for the crowd to be in full swing of dancing withering bodies. He had ordered a beer and took a few absentminded sips.
He was supposed to be there to unwind but all the bass and vibrations made him do was think more clearly. Without his permission it was clearly picturing the day's events over and over again in his head, like a film reel stuck on play and he couldn't shut the damn thing off. Watching the reel with feigning interest and regret his mind catches a scene he didn't think to much about before.
Reid's face was strained and his body looked so small and heavy. Like the weight of the world, or his world was crashing down on him. He said good bye to the others before making his departure home. But something off about the kid was nagging him. Sure he'd been depressed lately, especially with J.J. transfer. He was a trooper at first, trying his best to overcome his emotions. Morgan could tell that much at least. As the days and weeks went by though, his resolve seemed to be crumbling.
They all just jacked it up to the kid having a rough time, and that he'd get over it like they all seemed to do. He already had a talk with him not to long after it happened, it seemed to have help to. It really did. So what was this nagging panic that was bubbling up inside his chest all of a sudden?
He felt scared.
The brilliant quirky kid whose light was being swallowed by the darkness of their job was enough to make Morgan's heart sink to the floor. He cares for the kid; he's his best friend after all. Someone needs to look after him. Teach him the ropes, watch his back. There was just something so endearing about Reid's personality that made him just so unique, Morgan couldn't help but want to save him and just wish for a smile to grace his innocent face.
Morgan swallowed tightly and scanned the bar. Fuck it. He was going to check on Reid, and if he didn't want to talk. Then so be it, he'd do the talking.
Suddenly Reid's eyes are open, everything comes into focus. He knows what needs to be done. It's like a foot path of lights and signs are telling him what he needs to do.
Everything is illuminated.
The lights are shining so brightly, it's blinding and harmonious and fear dripping menacing at the same time.
He's enraptured by it to say the least.
Stopping mid-way down the hallway Reid notices it. The light. It's from the bathroom; the night light he leaves in there is illuminating the darkness. It's another sign.
Walking into the bathroom Reid gets the idea that he was meant to get he presumes.
Water the sign of rebirth, dying of the old and bringing back of the anew. Perfect.
He knows logically that he should probably go to sleep right now. Sleep deprivation is a handicap when it comes to making decisions rationally. One could compare it to a drunk. Drunk. Ha.
Maybe he should try drugs again? He licks his lips as his body shakes and shivers just thinking of that aspect, but he can't relish in that seduction. Not now – not ever. Maybe. That battle was too hard to fight. It's easier to give in than to walk away. And right now, in his apartment he doesn't have any of that sweet nectar. But that doesn't matter.
Because of instead of drowning in blissfulness he is going to wash away the sorrows.
Spencer unbuttons his coat from his shoulders hastily, time waits for no one, and he wants to hurry. Getting the last button undone he throws it behind him, hitting the wall and landing on the tile floor. He turns around on his heel and out of habit closes the bathroom door and locks it. It's always been a fear of Spencer to be snuck upon in the shower. Years of bullying will do that to a person; engraving responses and precautions into his very nature.
He walks completely over to the tub until his bony knees hit the hard white surface, and the clang that vibrates through his nerves warns him to stop in his mindless motions. He turns the faucet's knobs quickly; both to their max setting, letting it pour out like a waterfall of chlorine, nitrates and lead.
The water is quickly rising, and it alerts Spencer that he should hurry and get in. He starts to put one foot on the edge and realizes he hasn't taken his shoes or clothes off yet. Biting his lip he wonders, does he want them off? Nodding to himself he decides he does, more pure that way. Nothing binding him down, just him and his oasis.
Swallowing thickly Reid sits on the toilet and bends over and unties his right shoe with care and ease, once done he moves on to the next and follows with the socks. He kicks them off and shoves them over to the wall, joining his jacket. Standing up he loosens his tie, then unbuttons his sweater vest and button-down shirt. Popping the button on his cords he unzips them and thumbs them down with much force bringing his boxers also with it. Stepping out of them with much more grace then he usually has within him. Weird. Maybe it's the sense of calm he has found. He can focus much better now.
Spencer is standing there, watching the ripples clash and melt across and into each other. Flowing with automatic behavior that seems to be predictable movements, although it's all chaos. He is lost in the glistening of the dancing waves before him, feeling overcome by its inevitability. Fearing the new him that will arise, but feels hope with every darkness that over takes the stillness of the room.
Chaos of beautiful reflected light. It calls to him… it's offering a hand to him, promising to make the beautiful night seem beautiful again. To make it feel so much better tonight. It? What it is, Spencer isn't exactly sure of.
He can see the shower's walls shine back at him, dipping his head he sees a gangly looking man with hollow eyes and purple lids staring back at him. His body is pale and white with hollowness.
Turning the faucet's off he lowers a foot in the water, a gasps touches his lips. It's warm and comforting. Sitting down the water tickles and touches his body like no one ever has. It's intimate and natural. Lowering himself into the water he feels like he is sinking, it's wonderful. Each breath he takes is more precious than the next; it forces him to savor it.
Savor something at least.
Something that is important to him, even that will be taken away from him someday or by some unsub's hand. At least this way - maybe he can have the choice first.
The water touches his neck and its relaxing, closing his eyes he lowers his body the rest of the way. The water engulfs his being. His head touches the bottom of the tub, and he waits.
Waits for the refreshing sense of whole that he's been searching for.
Derek gets to Reid's apartment building and knocks on his door.
"Reid, it's me Morgan. Open up man." He calls through the door. Shifting from foot to foot, he looks down the hallway back to the door. He knows he saw Reid's old fashion car in the parking lot, the kid has to be home.
"Reid?" He bangs on the door three more times.
Morgan's brows furrow, and his chest seizes with worry. Getting his cell phone off its holster on his belt he quickly dials Reid's cell phone. It goes straight to voice mail. He tries again.
His gaze is hard and steady staring at the door. Banging again, he calls over and over again for Spencer to answer but no change.
Morgan makes up his mind. He backs up a few steps, his back to the hallway wall and lunges his right foot straight at the door. The loud bang vibrates through the hall and rings in his ears, as it shakes on its broken hinges.
Running through the broken door Morgan quickly assess the rooms, noting the usually OCD clean genius was letting the place go. Books were haphazardly laid out and dust was collecting in places where it would usually be spotless clean. The place was still dark and dim, that's when he notices the bathroom door is the only door shut. It was dark in there but there was a faint light shining under the door, and the sound of something… water?
He desperately knocks on the bathroom door, his knuckles starting to throb from delivering so many of them tonight.
"Reid, REID! Are you in there?" Morgan shouted, his body facing the door, one hand outstretched on the door knob testing to see if it was locked, which it was. The other poised and ready to pounce again.
No sound was made. No shuffling of movement of feet touching the ground to answer the door, or even a reassuring voice to tell Morgan his worries were for nothing.
The air around him felt like it dropped to zero. His stomach felt like lead and his breathing picked up in pace as he strained his ears to listen...
The floating of his hair around his face was serene and unique in texture. It felt soft and weightless. Like all the suffocating thoughts of responsibility and abandonment were floating to the surface and he could think clearly at last. It was like tossing his thoughts into an ocean end.
The numbness, lifeless feeling that was hollowing inside him didn't go away though. That was starting to scare him...
Tears mixed silently in the suffocating liquid covering him, his body jerking and demanding air. He refused to give it what it seemingly wanted most. Because in his heart, it wasn't want he wanted the most.. it wasn't what he desired…
Chest tightening and battling it out painfully inside him, burning his nerve endings with a tingling sensation that was making its way through his fingers, creeping through his arms and leaving a numbness and dead weight in it's wake.
It's almost over, he will be new again. Just a little longer, he wills himself silently.
Although at the same time, he can't wait for someone to hear him, can't wait for someone to touch him. Forever alone.
That's when he feels it. The darkness creeping in, his eyes are closed but he can sense it. It's natural for the human body to notice these things he reasons. Swallowing him, and pulling him in.
The water rushing past his ears is soothing and mixed with the drumming of his still beating pulse. That's when he hears it.
Something is calling him.
A loud thud is vibrated through the room like something crashed, it shakes the water. But he can feel himself drifting away. No strength left to peek over the edge at this new predicament in his resolve.
Tightening, that's the feeling that clasps him in its hold. His body is being jerked so violently as it's torn from the water's surface. Drops of water spray across the room, as if in slow motion. It whips from his hair and his body thrashes at the change in temperate and contact.
His body's automatic response without his permission is to take in the air, with a loud gasp and choking gulp of it his body breathes it in.
Soft and warm touches burn his skin as they caress his face and he faintly feels his hair being pushed back. He is being cradled by something strong and it's tightening around his body. He feels a sense of safety and comfort at being embraced like this, it's new… and welcomed.
That's when the ring of bells sound in his ears, it's the sweet sound of a voice that gently and sharply pierces his foggy state of mind, it's getting louder and louder as it goes on. Like the volume of a radio that is being slowly turned on.
"Damn it! Reid, Reid! Spencer. It's alright. I got you. I got you."
His convulsing wet body is being rocked and the sound of that voice melts away all the tension in his body, and he feels something else leave it just as quickly and his heart does a funny jump and skip.
It was like his heart was restarted by a jolt of electricity.
Was he dead and being shocked back to life? Because the previously oppressive air is thinning and for the first time Reid can just… breathe freely. His face is buried in the crook of a neck, feels a soft t-shirt beneath his jaw line that is quickly soaking up water.
A warm blanket of an emotion Reid has never felt before has befallen on him, even though he feels nothing but a warm hand wrapped around his back and a body being pressed against his thin chest.
The same chest that seemed so hollow mere moments ago, now feels heavy and ... whole.
A touch. A voice. He isn't alone. Morgan.
"Spencer! Are you okay? Wake up, come on… It's me Morgan, everything will be okay. Please just open your eyes." His desperate pleads are broken and cracked with emotion, that stills Reid to the bone. He's never heard Morgan sound like that before…
Suddenly Spencer's eyes are open, they flutter against his pale wet cheeks, and everything comes into focus. His body arches in the hold and he breathes in deeply, looking into the eyes before him. They are warm and filled with care, and he feels lost in them. Like he is sinking but the good kind.
The room grows pitch black in Spencer's mind because it's too bright. It's as if they both became illuminated, and lights are shining on their faces, blinding. Blinding and pure and warm and soft.
"Oh thank God." Morgan sighs in relief, and hangs his head for a moment before loosening his death grip on Reid.
He shakes Reid gently, "What were you thinking? Are you trying to kill yourself? Reid, don't you know how important you are to us?" Morgan demands in a painfully thin voice with a slight edge of hysteria painting it. His eyes are searching the younger man's intently almost angrily.
Reid licks his lips nervously and all he can do is smile weakly at the older man. He lifts an unsteady hand upwards toward his face but he's too weak and it falls short as it lands to rest on the collar of Morgan's shirt and grips it loosely to keep it from falling back down.
"What about -" Reid takes a hesitant breathe in "- to you?" The slender man asks in a mere whisper that echoes the walls with a heavy weight.
Morgan's eyes grow wide and he shakes his head gently as if disbelieving that the man in his arms had to ask, his lips quiver as he answers with strong conviction, "You, are the most important person to me Reid." And his grip around his boy's back tightens unconsciously.
Reid grinned, a genuinely happy, open smile at the man. And Morgan cannot remember a time he was more beautiful. Reid's hand moves up higher to clasp around the back of Morgan's neck as he closes his eyes with a content sigh, and leans into the warm embrace of the muscular man.
Morgan shifted his weight and reached up over for a towel and covered the genius up as much as possible, as he felt shivering in his hold. He wanted to move the kid somewhere warmer or something, but his own body refused to move at that moment.
"I was looking for the light." Reid mumbles quietly, with tears leaking in the corners of his eyes.
Morgan looked down at the kid with wonder and worry and asked curiously, "The light? But Reid, it's dark in here." he adds looking around the room.
Slowly opening his eyes the silent tears flow and Reid lifts his gaze to meet that of Morgan's, he shakes his head with a watery smile as he answers more strongly than before and clarifies, "It's blinding bright Morgan."
Mouth falling open somewhat and his eyes narrow slightly, Morgan ventures to ask as he brushes a stray lock of dark hair from Reid's wet face, "So you found the light, huh?" he asks with a grin.
Licking his lips Reid breathes, "Yes. Yes, I found it." A genuine huge smile tugs at his pink lips, as he leans forward pulling softly on Morgan's shirt.
Derek is hesitant at first, not sure what drives him, but he can't help the quelling and drowning sensation that had fallen over his limps and heart when he thought he almost lost his Pretty Boy, his Spencer.
Derek's body leans forward of its own accord and places his forehead against Spencer's. And it felt right.
"Good." He murmurs.
Derek's chest rumbles with his words and Spencer's body trembles, and Spencer is sure it's not from cold air either but this intense feeling.
Fear. Uncertainly. Panic. Desperation. Need. Reassurance. Love.
They both feel it released as Derek's lips ever so softly, just as light as a feather graces Spencer's wet parted lips.
Spencer can't help but think that he's absorbing his very own sun's warmth, to illuminate yesterdays sorrow and brighten this new path for the unwritten tomorrow.
A tomorrow that never looked more beautiful.
Suddenly my eyes are open,
Everything comes into focus, oh,
We are all illuminated,
Lights are shining on our faces, blinding
We are, we are, blinding,
We are, we are, blinding
- Illuminated by Hurts
A/N: Reviews are much loved! Thanks for reading.