Full Circle

Summary: Dean's made the decision to let Michael have his way with him, and Sam doesn't want to say good bye to his brother. Set in S5.

Note: So, I know I have about a dozen other stories that I should be working on, and trying to finish, but I'm just so frustrated with this season, and Sam and Dean so far that I just...ugh. I got nada. I think the only reason this little ditty popped into my head was because I was on a 30STM spree, and I miss the days of them actually, you know, liking each other.


Honest to god I'll break your heart

Tear you to pieces

And rip you apart

-Night of the Hunter; 30 Seconds to Mars

"Dean, no, please!" Sam clung to his brother, grabbing Dean's wrist between his fingers. "Please, please I'm begging you. Don't…"

Sam shook his head, blinking away tears. "Please don't go."

Dean had sworn to himself that he would never hurt Sam the way his brother hurt him when he escaped to school. When he ran away and left him. He remembered being on the other end.

"Sam!" Dean ran after his brother, catching up to him in the yard.

Sam turned away from him, but not before Dean saw him scrub his hands over his eyes. His cheek was still red, surely stinging from the sharp slap that echoed through the room when John brought his hand down on Sam.

"Hey…" Dean said softy, standing next to him and trying to sort out his own anger, his hurt, his…fear. Sam couldn't-wouldn't really leave him. "Are you okay?"

Dean tilted Sam's face toward him, his fingers lingering on the strong, defiant jaw that screamed John. They were so damn similar, and they didn't even get it. All they did was fight. He hated it. "He got you good."

That didn't make him happy. He'd never, ever in his life seen his dad strike Sam-and if ever before that night had John tried, he'd have intervened. But how could Sammy blame him for being frozen as Sam slurred so hatefully to them all the reasons he was leaving.

I hate being stuck here with you both! I just want out!

Sam shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

They stood there for a moment, Dean looking into his brother's eyes and Sam's never meeting his and then it hit him. Hit him worse than any slap in the face could.

"You're leaving. You really are." He took a step back from Sam, feeling his stomach churn.

Sam nodded his head. "Dean, please don't-don't be mad at me."

Dean bit his lip furiously. "No. I don't care." He shrugged lamely. "Do whatever you want."

He cared, he cared so much and what did Sam care? Sam cared enough to shred his heart into pieces.

"Dean," Sam's lips parted in a show of hurt. "Its not like this. Its not about you."

No, Dean thought a feeling of bitterness rushing through him, it was never about him. Never.

"No!" Dean yelled at his brother, pushing his hands against Sam's chest as hard as he could and sending him flying backwards into the dead overgrown grass that covered the outside of the house they were renting.

God damn place, they were even only here for Sam. He'd begged with his dad, reasoned to no end that this was Sammy's senior year, they could settle down in one place for that last half of the year and regroup. It would be good for all of them.

"You selfish bastard, Sam!" Dean felt tears burning behind his eyes and bit on his tongue hard trying to stave off his breakdown. All I've done for you, this entire time…and you could leave me. I've done everything for you Sam; I've given you everything…

I hate you.

Of all the things Sam could say, this hurt the most.

"Dean!" Sam scrambled up from the ground looking surprised. It busted Dean's ass that Sam could have the nerve to look surprised by his reaction. It was like Sam really didn't know him at all. "Dean, don't act like this, it isn't about you. This has nothing to do with you."

"No," Dean shook his head, glancing toward the house and seeing John's figure behind the curtains. You're a bastard too, he decided. You'll just stand there and wait for me to fix everything. You all expect me to hold this family together.

How long did they expect him to fight for them. He was no different from them, sometimes he wanted to lay down and give up to…because it was too damn hard.

Well, they won. Both of them. He was done, he was fucking done with them both.

"No," Dean fought back the tears, fought back the urge to punch Sam in the face and keep hitting him until he felt the smallest bit of the pain that he was feeling. The betrayal. He wondered how Sam would feel if he knew what it was like to have the person he trusted most in the world turn on him, and leave him.

"No, it's never about me."

Dean turned his back on Sam, on their dad and shoved his hands that had curled into fists deep into his pockets.

He heard Sam calling his name, and he dared Sam to come after him. His fingers brushed against the keys in his pocket.

Really, why not? He didn't have a point anymore. What was there for him to do when they didn't need him anymore?

you can leave, I can leave too.

"Don't be like that, Dean…" Sam called after him. "Stop running away. I'm sick of running! I've got to start making my own choices, I can't be your kid brother forever."

I'm sick of a lot of things too. I've been sick of them, Dean thought, but I've never left you.

"We made the decision Sam, a long time ago…" Dean pulled Sam's hand from his arm. "We have to make our own decisions, you told me that, remember?"

"Please," Sam's eyes welled up with tears, and Dean felt a pain in his chest.

Why were they always hurting each other? I'm not trying to hurt you, he thought, I'm doing this for you.

"Please Dean, I was wrong." Sam looked up at him with the pleading puppy dog eyes that Dean knew so well. "I also told you that I couldn't be your kid brother forever."

Dean's eyes burned from holding back tears.

"Sam, I love you, but…I've got to do this."

"I'm always, always going to be your pain in the ass little brother." Sam pled, "don't go Dean, don't leave me. You don't need to do this is alone."

Dean shook his head.

"Dean! You walk out that door and leave me-I'll never forgive you!"

Didn't he make that same ultimatum a million years ago? It felt like a million years ago that he said the same words.

"I told myself the same thing." Dean smiled feeling the bittersweet pang of loss creep in at the edges, his eyes burning. "But you will. I promise you, you will."