152This is the new version of Lose Yourself. Until I get past my exams, which only last for a little over a week, this will probably be it for a little while. Unless I do what I did with this and procrastinate and not study. Regardless, all of the kind words I received from everyone after my author's note were more than enough motivation to keep going and do the best I could with this.
I couldn't have done this without Stayce, as she is so brutally honest with me (especially about the teenage angst) and when my ideas are getting out of control. Thank you for helping me turn this into something I can be proud of.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of Janet Evanovich's original characters. I'm not making any money by writing this, just killing time and enjoying myself. Any and all new characters that may make an appearance are mine.
RiRi17
Oh, god, I wanted it badly. I stared at it, sitting in my hand calmly, almost smirking at me. I knew the end result would leave me heartbroken, but I needed it. I hadn't had it in so long. It always was just too satisfying. I dropped my head to the counter top, taking deep breaths. Reddi-whip advertises that it's only 15 calories per serving…two tablespoons…there are 40 servings per can. That's only 600 calories in the whole can! That's only a piece of cake, right?
My name is Stephanie Plum, and in the last six months, I've had to grow up so much I wanted to kick myself. I realised that I was pretty crappy at my job as a bounty hunter, so I let Lester and Tank train me, in between working for RangeMan and Vinnie's bail bonds business. The extra money I picked up from the regular hours gave me enough to get new, matching furniture. I had nicer clothes, the option of redoing my horrendous brown and yellow bathroom and it finally got my mother off my back. I was working behind a desk most of the time, which I hated, but if it meant I stopped getting covered in garbage, both my mother and I were happy.
The cons of consuming the item in front of me would mean weight gain. And after all the exercise I had to do to keep my job at RangeMan. After all the running and weightlifting and fitness testing to ensure that I'd be safe when I worked, which was not often, I wasn't planning on ruining the body I'd been working so hard for. Because Tank was in charge until Ranger got back, if he ever got back, Tank was riding my ass constantly to be safe and to stay in the office as much as possible, because we all knew what would happen if the bossman came back and Babe wasn't in tip top shape.
Pros: it tastes good, it's extremely satisfying and it's definitely worth it, even though I know it won't last as long as I want it to. Like certain other things, but those other things last way longer. Wait. Is that a pro or a con?
I lifted the can to my mouth, squeezing the plunger to let the creamy goodness fill my mouth when the locks tumbled and the door swung open. Ranger stood at the door, eyebrow raised at me. I nearly choked on the whipped cream as I threw it into Rex's cage. He came out to investigate before looking at me, twitching his whiskers and scurrying back into his soup can.
"Babe."
I cleared my throat and tried to swallow the massive amount of cream in my mouth. My cheeks were puffed out to Rex sized proportions. "Hi," I squeaked out after gulping it down.
He pushed off the door, coming to stand in front of me, locking eyes with me. They were dark and smouldering and I stopped breathing. His talented fingers reached up and wiped a smidge of left over cream from the corner of my mouth. He lifted the finger to his mouth, cleaning off the cream. I think I moaned. What he could do to me with those fingers and that tongue.
"Deep thoughts?"
"Little bit."
"Explain."
I certainly wasn't going to admit that I'd been having an internal battle with myself over whipped cream all over his body. I shook my head when my cheeks flamed and turned away to fish out the can of whipped cream from Rex's tank. No way. That's too hard a question to answer to the man of mystery.
He didn't say anything, and I certainly didn't hear anything, so when I turned around, I was a little surprised to see him still there. I'd kind of hoped that he'd gone back to the Batcave. I sighed and rubbed my face with one hand, the other firmly clenched around the can of whipped cream. "What do you want, Ranger?"
He raised an eyebrow at me, moving closer and pulling out a stool before sitting on it. He surveyed the room quietly, and then looked back at me. "New furniture?"
"Yeah." I nodded an affirmative.
"Looks good. Suits you."
"Thanks."
We sat there in silence, me in awkwardness and him in his zone. I assessed him. He was away recently He'd been gone for the last six months. "In the wind" with Bobby and some of the others...from Miami, I thought. I wasn't in on it, so I really didn't know what or where.
The last time I saw Ranger, he'd called me into his office, told me that he'd be leaving, and didn't know if he'd be coming back. Tank would be in charge, and the penthouse would be available if I needed it.
Then he proceeded to kiss the hell out of me. Between the news and the kiss, I almost passed out and Ranger had to drive me home. He told me to take care of myself. Then he kissed me on the forehead, and left, locking the door behind him. What the hell?
I'd called Lula and she'd brought over beer and wine. Morelli took us to his house for the night because we'd been waiting outside Pino's for a cab, causing a ruckus. I know what you're probably thinking. But Lula slept in the guest room and I slept in Morelli's bed – alone – while he went to his cousin, Mooch's, place. Some people had called the cops and made complaints about the noise level and he used his influence to help Lula and I out.
I digress.
There was a new scar on the side of his neck, and another on his left hand. I couldn't imagine what would have caused him to leave for six months with no call, no letter. Not even a stupid text to let me know that he was still alive. Tank probably knew, but would I ever be let in on the game? No. Logically, however, I knew that he would never have been allowed to call me. And he'd always said to me that no news was good news. But still. It would have been nice.
"Stephanie."
"Ranger." I could play that game too. I could use just one word. It wasn't that hard.
His lips twitched; the Ranger equivalent of a full blown grin. "How are you?"
"Fine."
"Good."
I moved around the counter, all the while facing him. Lester and Tank had been making sure that I kept working out, but not even they could control what I ate, and I knew that none of them would ever approve of me eating whipped cream out of the can. My hands were clenched, the same as every other muscle in my body.
He stared at it for a long moment, before looking back at me. "That–"
"Stuff will kill you, Babe," I intoned, doing a poor mimicry of his voice, opening the garbage bin and throwing the now empty can in before slamming it shut. I whirled around to face him. "What do you want?"
His lips curled up a little more. He was smirking. Barely. "I came to tell you that I'm back."
I rolled my eyes. "Obviously. Seeing as you're here and not wherever the hell you were. Got that. Welcome home, good-bye. Now can you leave please?" I made a shooing motion with my hands.
His eyes changed, along with his expression. It was only slight, and if you didn't know what to look for, you would never see it. "Steph, what's wrong?"
Gripping the counter top with my hands, I leaned over it, looking him in the eyes. "You're an asshole. That's what's wrong. You need to leave."
He stood too. "I have been in the past; would you like to explain to me why I'm one now?" He crossed his arms over his chest.
I exploded. "You left! Six months ago! You said the apartment on seven was open if I needed it, but every time I went there I kept thinking about the whole Slayers mess! And then I kept thinking about you in there with me! I can't sleep if I'm thinking about that!"
"I told you–you were thinking about me in bed with you?" His wolf grin made a reappearance.
"That's not the point!" I yelled, waving my arms around like the true half Italian I am.
He opened his mouth to answer when the shrill ringing of my cell phone interrupted. When I let it ring out, he raised an eyebrow at me. It started ringing again. "Are you going to answer that?"
I glared at him before snatching it up. "Hello?"
"Hey, beautiful girl. How are we today?" Lester asked, sounding tired.
I watched Ranger as he walked around my apartment, taking in the new furniture, before he headed into my bedroom, presumably to look at the new sheets. I hated to admit it, but they were exactly the same as Ranger's. In my defence though, his sheets were fabulous. I'd decided that I needed some too. I could hear him pawing through my stuff. "Good. Are we still on for tonight?"
The rustling coming from my room stopped.
"Yeah, but Ranger got back today, so it might have to be a bit later than we planned." Lester sounded guilty. "I was supposed to warn you, actually. From what Tank said, he's on a bit of a rampage."
"How's Bobby doing?" I asked, changing the subject quickly as Ranger appeared in the doorway at the mention of his friend. His blank face was firmly in place.
Lester groaned. "He got in, said hi to me and Tank and then went to his apartment on four. That was a couple hours ago now though. Every time we call he ignores us. Even Ella tried to get him to talk to her, but he shut the door in her face."
Wow. You didn't shut the door in Ella's face. I was surprised to hear she'd even let him do that. "That bad, huh?" I leaned my hip against the counter, examining my nails. I would need a manicure soon.
"Yeah. And I feel like I should be here just in case…" he trailed off, sounding miserable.
"We can cancel tonight if you need to stay with him," I said hurriedly. While Tank and Ranger were classified as best friends, even though they didn't act like it, Lester and Bobby were the same. They were just more open about their friendship and I knew Lester wanted to be there for him.
"I really don't want to do that, Steph." He sighed and I could hear him shuffling papers. "Look, I've got a shitload of paper work to get through, because Tank likes to delegate. I'll shoot Bobby a text and if he doesn't want to see me just yet, I'll pick you up. Sound good?"
"Yeah, of course," I replied. "Text me the time you think you'll be done so I can get ready."
He laughed. "I keep forgetting you're a Jersey girl through and through and you need hours to prepare yourself."
"Asshole," I growled before hanging up. Ranger cleared his throat. "What?" I demanded, staring at him.
He leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest. The blank face was still firmly in place. "Who was that?"
"Does it matter?" I turned to look in my fridge, hoping the magical food fairies had visited overnight to deposit food in my empty fridge. They hadn't. Grocery shopping just never seemed to be high on my list of things to do. I usually got take out or went to Pino's for a meatball sub.
"Yes."
"Why?" I closed the fridge door and started rummaging around in my cabinets. If I had bread, peanut butter and olives, I could make myself an okay dinner. If not…well, then I'd have to call my mother, begging her to make me dinner. Not that she'd ever say no, but she likes a bit of notice before I just showed up. I guess it depended on what Lester and Bobby worked out.
"Are you listening to me?" Ranger asked, finally breaking me from me internal ramblings.
"Huh?" I so eloquently put it.
I heard his boots hitting my floor, telling me I needed to move out of the line of fire. I was not interested in letting him have me for lunch. Breakfast. Brunch, I supposed. "Stephanie, look at me."
I turned to glare at him. "That sounded a lot like an order," I said, narrowing my eyes. "I'm not one of your men you can boss around."
He was sitting on the stool again, watching me carefully, like I was some kind of threat. "Who were you talking to on the phone?" he asked again in a low voice.
"Lester. What is your problem?" I crossed my arms over my chest, abandoning my search for food. I'd go and get take out or go to Dunkin' Donuts later.
Ranger raised his eyebrows at me before resuming the serious face. "When you're talking about a man who just got back from an intense mission to someone that shouldn't know about it, I make it my problem."
I swear to God I saw red. Quickly entering rhino mode, I narrowed my eyes at him. "What are you implying, Ranger?" I demanded. "Are you saying I would put someone I consider a friend at risk?" I hissed, clenching my fists to try to control the urge to clock him over the head with something. I was pretty sure I had a saucepan lying around somewhere. I couldn't even believe he would think me capable of doing that to the Merry Men.
"I have to look after my men, Stephanie."
Oh, so we were playing the full name game now. Right. "Well, Ricardo," I sneered, "I'm capable of looking after them as well. Even if I did know what happened, I would never tell anyone." He just stared at me, waiting. "But I would never put them at risk. I consider them my family, especially after the number of times they saved my ass while you were away."
At this, he sat up straighter. "What do you mean 'saved your ass'?"
I let out a frustrated noise. "That's not relevant! You seem to be under the impression I would sell every single one of you out! Why? Why do you think that?"
Ranger stood up to lean over me, trying to intimidate me. I glared up at him, noting with satisfaction that he appeared to be grinding his teeth. "Why did they need to save you?"
"You know me, I always need to be saved," I said flippantly, waving my hand. "Now tell me why you think I would betray you like that."
"I got a message passed onto me from Tank saying that you broke something. What happened?"
I rolled my eyes. Of course they would tell him about my most embarrassing moment of the year so far. I'd been chasing a skip in an old apartment building on Stark Street with the help of RangeMan. I caught sight of him running past me as I was checking out a room. He literally shot down the stairs, so me being me, I followed him. Tank heard the commotion and ordered me not to follow, but the bond was enough to pay my rent for a few months, with some left over.
But also, because I had the worst luck in the entire world, the stupid stairs collapsed as I was running down them. They didn't break when the 200 pound man was on them; they collapsed when my 110 pound self was thundering down them. I broke my leg and had to wear the most unattractive cast on it for eight weeks. The Merry Men couldn't stop laughing every time they saw me hobbling around Haywood.
I decided to give Ranger the shorter version. "Some stairs broke when I was chasing a skip and I fell and broke my leg."
His lips thinned. "Where was your back up?"
"The next floor up." I grinned at him. His fingers twitched. "He snuck past us. But I got the asshole in the end." Yeah, by throwing a pipe at him. The only way it hit the guy was by divine intervention. I was half buried in rubble, trying not to cry at the pain in my leg, before I saw the pipe and threw it at his head.
Ranger rubbed his wrist absentmindedly, drawing my eyes to it. There was a new scar there and I could see that it went up past his sleeve. "Stop," he said in a dark voice.
I jumped, my eyes flying to his. "Stop what?"
"Stop looking at me like I need pity." He stepped back from the counter and walked into the center of the room, taking deep breaths.
Well, I wasn't even thinking about pity, but I wasn't brave enough to say that to an obviously pissed off Ranger. I decided to change the subject. "I wouldn't do that to any of you, you know," I said quietly, turning back to the cupboards to give him some space.
It was silent again as I rummaged around, looking for something sugary enough to take off the edge. I hadn't had a social orgasm in five months. My last time with Morelli was it, and even that wasn't as mind blowing as I'd hoped it would be. We parted for good two days after that and we'd maintained a somewhat awkward, but nice, friendship since then.
"I know," he said, so softly I almost didn't hear him. "But I have to protect Bobby and myself. I can't put him at risk. I did it too much on the mission anyway."
I stayed silent, my back still turned, trying not to break the spell. This was actually the most he'd ever spoken about a mission. To me, anyway.
Ranger let out a breath, the equivalent of a huge sigh in my eyes. "It was supposed to be over in two, three months tops." He didn't offer any more information than that for about five minutes. I was standing stock-still, waiting for a cue to turn around and comfort him in any way he would let me. "It was a difficult mission to begin with. A lot of men they'd already sent in were found out and… eliminated."
I flinched at the cold, monotone voice he was using. I knew that this was the only way he would be able to tell me anything without losing it. But the idea of so many men not making it home to their families was heartbreaking.
"It took a long time for them to trust us," Ranger stated. A scraping noise is the only indication I had that he was sitting down again. Rex's wheel stopped spinning while I waited. "We couldn't risk checking in with RangeMan at all. But Tank knows that no news is always good news."
Oh, God. I shuddered at the image in my head of Tank waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me that the most important, trust worthy and valuable man in my life was…gone. Someone as large in life as Ranger couldn't possibly die. I rubbed my chest, trying to soothe the small ache that had started at the mere idea of it.
"I usually check in with Tank to find out about you," he admitted, making me turn around so fast I nearly knocked myself off balance.
"What?" I blurted out, eyes wide.
Ranger met my eyes warily, looking like he was approaching a wild animal with the capability to do a lot of damage. A ghost of a smile appeared on his face. "I like to hear how you are, babe. Your adventures give me a reason for hope when I'm in the worst places in the world."
I choked back tears at what this might mean. Then it hit me. "You're laughing your ass off in some cave in the middle of nowhere because my takedowns are funny?" I demanded, feeling the teeniest bit insulted
Then he smiled. Really smiled. I nearly swooned at the beauty of it. "Take it as a compliment, Steph. It motivates me to get back here to you."
Oh Lordy. I nearly had to fan myself to get rid of the blush spreading over my face like wildfire. "But… but I thought your life didn't lend itself to relationships?"
He mulled over my question, leaving me hanging by a piece of thread, when the locks tumbled on the door and it swung open. Ranger was up and in front of me, gun out, before the intruder even came into view. "Santos," he growled, not bothering to lower the gun.
I blinked at the suddenness of, well, everything. I'd completely forgotten to tell Ranger that Lester was coming over, what with him telling me about his mission and all. I hadn't even realised that much time had passed. "Hey Les," I said from behind Ranger's back. I peeked out from under the arm holding the gun to see Lester looking bewildered at the situation.
"Uh… hey, beautiful girl. Bossman," he said, nodding in Ranger's direction, eyeing the gun. "Wanna point that thing away from me now?"
He didn't. "What are you doing here?"
I pushed against his back gently, trying to get his attention. "Ranger, put the gun down," I said in the most commanding voice I could muster. He did, slowly, but remained partially in front of me as I stepped around him. "You need to calm down. Lester is only here to pick me up for dinner."
Ranger met my eyes. They weren't the open, calm ones from before. They were hard and cold, shutting me out again. "You're going to dinner with him?" he asked, taking a deep breath in through his nose in an attempt to regain control.
He dropped the gun onto the counter, making both Lester and me flinch. He'd never been so careless about a firearm before. Even I always made sure the safety was on before placing it gently in my cookie jar. "Yeah," I replied slowly, watching him carefully for signs of anger directed at either of us. "Do you mind?"
He glared at me. "I obviously don't have a say, Stephanie."
I cringed internally at my full name, but on the outside, I was trying to keep my own version of the infamous blank face intact. "If you need me to stay with you–" I started.
He cut me off by snarling, "I don't need you." I felt like I'd been slapped. It must have shown on my face because he dropped the blank face immediately and stepped forward, pulling me into his arms. "Jesus, Steph, I'm so sorry," he murmured, pressing his lips to my hair.
I shivered, wanting nothing more than to curl into his chest for the rest of my life. But I was a big girl, and big girls don't run and hide from their problems. I gently extracted myself from his arms, turning to look at Lester. He was watching the exchange with a concerned look on his face.
"Can I talk to you outside real quick?" I asked Lester, knowing full well I was pulling the tiger's tail.
He nodded and turned, walking out into the hall. I followed, shutting the door quietly behind me. "I don't think you should be alone with him right now," Lester stated immediately, crossing his arms over his muscly chest. He held a hand up when I went to interrupt. "Hear me out. Ranger just got back from an extremely intense mission. He hasn't taken the time he usually does to sit down and decompress. Sometimes it's weeks before he comes down from seven. Bobby is the same, except he's doing the smart thing by removing himself from us."
"He won't hurt me," I tried to insist, but Lester was on a roll.
"Something happened, beautiful. They weren't supposed to be gone for as long as this. Until Ranger has had time to calm down and get himself back on track, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be the only one with him."
I glared, slamming my hands onto my hips. "He needs me. He came here for a reason, Lester. I want to be there for him."
Lester stared at me for a few tense moments before his shoulders dropped in defeat. "I'm not going to talk you out of this, am I?" I shook my head firmly. "Then I'm setting some rules. Call me once every hour. Have your cell phone charged and on you at all times. And don't try to seduce him. He's on a testosterone high and probably will be for a while. He could seriously hurt you. He could still be in the mentality of his cover, so be very careful around him for a while."
"Okay," I replied, resisting the urge to roll my eyes, Burg style.
"Stephanie, listen to me. You have to promise me, or I'll come back here with Tank and we'll lock him in his apartment. For some reason, he chose to ignore the protocol after the mission went FUBAR and came straight here. Don't try to be his saviour. You won't survive it." With that said, Lester turned and walked down the stairs, out of sight, obviously pissed off at me.
I suddenly felt very vulnerable as I re-entered my apartment.
Ranger was sitting on my couch, elbows resting on his knees, fingers tented in front of his face. His eyes were dark and cold.
I swallowed hard and sat down across from him.