The Rocky Horror Hogwarts Show

Characters:

Severus Snape as Severus Snape as Dr. Frank-N-Furter

Hermione Granger as Hermione Granger as Janet Weiss

Harry Potter as Harry Potter as Brad Majors

Draco Malfoy as Draco Malfoy as Riff Raff

Pansy Parkinson as Pansy Parkinson as Magenta

Ginny Weasley as Ginny Weasley as Columbia

Remus Lupin as Remus Lupin as Dr. Everett Scott

Ronald Weasley as Ronald Weasley as Rocky Horror

Cedric Diggory as Cedric Diggory as Eddie

Professor Albus Dumbledore as himself

Professor Minerva McGonagall as herself

Professor Filius Flitwick as himself

Script:

Scene 1:

[Cut to black. A pair of red lips grows, lip-syncing as the song Science Fiction, Double Feature plays.]

Lyrics to Science Fiction, Double Feature:

Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still
But he told us where we stand
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver underwear
Claude Rains was The Invisible Man
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and King Kong
They got caught in a celluloid jam
Then at a deadly pace
It Came From Outer Space
And this is how the message ran...

Science fiction (ooh ooh ooh) double feature
Doctor X (ooh ooh ooh) will build a creature
See androids fighting (ooh ooh ooh) Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in (ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show

I knew Leo G. Carroll
Was over a barrel
When Tarantula took to the hills
And I really got hot
When I saw Janette Scott
Fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills
Dana Andrews said prunes
Gave him the runes
And passing them used lots of skills
But When Worlds Collide
Said George Pal to his bride
I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills
Like a...

Science fiction (ooh ooh ooh) double feature
Doctor X (ooh ooh ooh) will build a creature
See androids fighting (ooh ooh ooh) Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in (ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show
I wanna go - Oh oh oh oh
To the late night, double feature, picture show
By R.K.O. - Wo oh oh oh
To the late night, double feature, picture show
In the back row - Oh oh oh oh
To the late night, double feature, picture show

[As last words resonate, lips shrink quickly into the background. Fade in to scene of Great Hall, during the evening feast. Students are talking loudly. DUMBLEDORE stands up and taps his glass, drawing the attention of the students.]

DUMBLEDORE: Attention everyone! [smiles benevolently] I have a very important announcement to make. It has occurred to me that we do not appreciate the arts quite enough in this school. So, seeing as the Halloween Feast is coming up, I wanted to do something a bit, special this year. So, I am quite pleased to announce that this year, Hogwarts will be performing our own magical rendition of the Rocky Horror Picture Show this year. [Confused murmuring among students and teachers at this. DUMBLEDORE frowns.] Well, surely you've all heard of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I mean, it's one of the most famous Muggle movies ever made! I watched it over the summer, and I assure you, I enjoyed it immensely. [More confused murmuring.] Oh, now surely you've all heard of a movie, now haven't you? Oh please don't tell me that I'm going to have to explain what a movie is...

[DUMBLEDORE'S voice fades out as the camera pans to reveal HARRY, RONALD, and HERMIONE sitting at the Gryffindor table.]

RONALD: [somewhat angrily] Well, this whole thing sounds like a load of mush. I honestly can't figure out what could get into Dumbledore's head to make us think that us students are going to comply to this!

HERMIONE: Well, I think that I'm going to try out for it. What about you, Harry?

HARRY: Yes, I think I will.

RONALD: [confused, but still angry] Wait, who said anything about trying out? Dumbledore's still explaining what a movie is and-

HERMIONE: [tersely] Shut up, you're just complicating the plot further.

RONALD: [very confused] Wait, there's a plot?

[END OF SCENE 1]

Scene 2:

[Fade in from black to a corridor in the castle. A group of students is clamored around a poster on a message board, talking loudly. Enter HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE from stage right.]

HERMIONE: Oh, look! The cast list for the show is posted!

HARRY: Oh, great! Let me see what parts we got! [Pushes way through crowd, begins to read off list.] Let's see, Brad Majors will be played by... me, Janet Weiss will be played by... Hermione! [HERMIONE'S expression brightens at this.] Oh, look at this! The part of Riff Raff is to be played by Malfoy!

RONALD: [laughing] Well now, we can give him a good bit of trouble for that! Say, did I get a part?

HARRY: [looks intensely at list] Umm... yes, you got the part of Rocky.

RONALD: That's good, right?

HARRY: [shaking head playfully] Oh, Ron... say, Hermione, Ron and I have been meaning to ask you, how exactly are you attending all of your classes?

HERMIONE: [dismissively] Oh, you don't need to worry about that. [HERMIONE, RONALD, and HARRY pretend to walk stage left, scenery moves right, giving illusion of movement.] I'm getting to all of my classes just fine. Anyways, I think that this show should provide a useful break from Siriu-

HARRY: [angrily] Hey, hey, HEY! No spoilers!

HERMIONE: [disgustedly] Ugh, fine, no spoilers. But as I was saying-

DRACO: [walks in from stage right angrily] This is an outrage, Potter! I deserved to be the main character in this, this-

HARRY: Musical?

HERMIONE: Rocky Horror Picture Show?

RONALD: Fanfiction?

DRACO: [pointing to RONALD angrily] You, Weasel King, shut up. [speaking to HARRY and HERMIONE haughtily] Yes, I was talking about the musical-show-whatever. I mean, what else is there to be a main character in?

RONALD: This fanfiction?

DRACO: [speaking to Ron snappily] I thought I told you to shut up!

HERMIONE: [speaking calmly] Now, Malfoy, don't be unreasonable, you know that if Harry did a better job in his audition, then he deserves a better part in the musi-

DRACO: [very flustered and angry] But Potter DIDN'T do a better audition than I did! He's simply got that part because he keeps sucking up to Professor Dumbledore!

DUMBLEDORE: [being lowered down from above behind DRACO] Did someone say, Professor Dumbledore? [cheering and whistling, DRACO turns around and appears shocked]

HERMIONE: [clearly flustered] Professor Dumbledore! What, um, what are you doing hanging from the ceiling?

DUMBLEDORE: [matter-of-factedly] Why, cleaning windows, of course! [HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE appear confused, DRACO is still shocked.] Ugh, my do I hate explaining things to people! Now, you see...

[DUMBLEDORE'S explanation fades into background as HARRY pulls HERMIONE aside.]

HARRY: Hermione, there's something that I need to tell you.

HERMIONE: Is it about my classes again? I told you already that I have them under con-

HARRY: No, Hermione, it's about something else. [music starts] Hermione?

HERMIONE: Harry?

HARRY: I've got something to say.

HERMIONE: Uh-huh?

HARRY: I really love the...skillful way/ You beat the other girls/ To my heart's bouquet.

HERMIONE: Oh, Harry!

HARRY: The river was deep but I swam it,

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: 'Mione!

HARRY: The future is ours, so let's plan it,

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: 'Mione!

HARRY: So please don't tell me to can it,

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: 'Mione!

HARRY: I've got one thing to say, and that's/ Dammit, 'Mione, I love you!/ The road was long but I ran it,

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: 'Mione!

HARRY: There's a fire in my heart and you fan it,

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: 'Mione!

HARRY: If there's a fool for you then I am it,

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: 'Mione!

HARRY: I've got one thing to say, and that's/Dammit, 'Mione, I love you!/Here's my love to prove I'm no joker/ There's three ways love can grow/ That's good, bad, or mediocre/ Oh H-M-I-N-E I love you so!

HERMIONE: Well, it's better than Lavender had,

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: Harry!

HERMIONE: But we're in love and I'm glad,

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: Harry!

HERMIONE: That you don't know my Mum or my Dad,

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: Harry!

HERMIONE: I've one thing to say, and that's/ Harry, I love you too!/ Oh, Harry!

HARRY: Oh, dammit!

HERMIONE: I'm mad

HARRY: Oh, 'Mione!

HERMIONE: For you

HARRY: I love you, too!

HARRY and HERMIONE: There's one thing left to do, ah-hoo

HARRY: And that's to go find the man who began it

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: 'Mione!

HARRY: When we fell in love in his lesson's exam-it

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: 'Mione!

HARRY: Made me give you the eye and I panicked

OTHER GRYFFINDORS: 'Mione!

HARRY: Now I've one thing to say, and that's/ Dammit, 'Mione, I love you!/ Dammit, 'Mione

HERMIONE: Harry, I'm mad (for you)

HARRY: Dammit, 'Mione,

HARRY and HERMIONE: I love you! [music finishes]

DUMBLEDORE: [finishing his speech] Aw, young love. [rises up to ceiling]

[END OF SCENE 2]