Richelle Mead owns these characters

Chapter 1: Trapped in my mind.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep hurting like this, he has me close to him but I know it's not where he wants to keep me. He's taken. Unavailable, yet I'm right here, lying next to him hoping to take things further. I shouldn't want that, I shouldn't hope for anything other than winning the lottery or getting a raise, being blessed with a case of the chicken pocks. Simple things that I actually have a shot at getting, not him.

I have no chance at that like at all. It will never be and so I should just be happy he's here now. It would be so much simpler to just let him go. To tell him I can't do this anymore and that I deserve better, to be loved the right way. I won't though because unfortunately, I'm in too deep. He has me wrapped around his finger and knows it. What the hell did I get myself into?

How am I going to get out of this? I mean this isn't right, he has someone he loves and doesn't want to let go. I mean sure he says he loves me and that he needs me, that he can't be without me. It's usually when were naked and he's hovering over me, supposedly when we're making "love". Lissa was right though, I should've just walked away before anything happen. Right before I got so swept up in his words and promises, that walking away seemed like the last thing I should've done.

I should walk away right now, before he wakes up and makes his way back to her. Before he leaves me here and I cry again for the millionth time. I don't even move though, I can't let my grip on him fall or I will definitely lose him. Shit! I need to get the hell out now before things get worse, although, I'm not sure how much more worse they can get. I'm stronger than this, I should be stronger than this but it's him.

I know better this, Im fricken Rose Hathaway, badass guardian to the Dragomir Princess. I have a reputation as a heartbreaker, yet I'm the one suffering through all the damn heartbreak.

Love, ha! What the hell do I know about that shit? I mean it can't be this right; love isn't this thing where we're sneaking around and lying to everyone about wanting to be together. No way! I envy her, Tasha Ozera, the one he's supposed to be with right now. It's not because who she is or what she does because she's actually a good person. It's because of who she has, my Comrade; Dimitri Belikov. Her guardian, fiancé and father to her son.

You sure know how to pick them, Rose. I sigh at the disappointment I'm feeling once again.

It was right before graduation that he had left to guard her. We had one last wonderfully, blissful night together in an abandoned cabin and I've held on ever since. I couldn't let my love for him fade, it seemed damn near impossible to do. After some time of phone calls and letters, promises we had made to each other to keep holding on, he had changed. He promised me that we would wait for each other. That it didn't matter how far apart we were, we would be together some way, somehow.

The last letter I got from him was about a year ago. It said things like: I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't want to hurt you at all. It was a mistake I made and I will forever regret it.I accepted his apology; I knew he was hating himself for what happened between them. He was lonely, I was lonely and I came pretty close to doing something like that myself but he couldn't walk away like I did.

That same letter also said things like: I can't just abandon her; it's my responsibility as well. I can't walk away from something like this. I've always wanted children, I've wanted them with you, but it would never happen. Now I have to do the right thing and stay. Stay. The right thing, he always does the right thing, it's a big part of why I love him and why I can't leave the warmth of his body at this very moment.

But were not exactly doing the right thing right now, are we?

He's a father now, someone else's fiancée and I know that. So what the hell are we doing?

I think this is one of those times where I have to be the strong one and walk away. I have to make a clean break and not look back, do the right thing instead of being selfish like this. He says he doesn't love her the way he loves me but he does love her. I couldn't help but think that maybe that's why he won't leave her. He says they don't even talk to each other some days that they sleep in different rooms. So why was she here talking about plans for their wedding with Lissa?

It confuses me most of the time all this craziness, I get lost in the wonder and what if. Then he would touch me or says something sweet and I melt. I'm his whole heartedly but he will never be just mine. And then there's that little boy, that beautiful baby boy who's the exact spitting image of his father.

They just celebrated his first birthday the other day. He looks exactly like Dimitri, I'm talking same eyes and hair color, the same smile and I'm sure he'll be tall growing up. Then there are the moments where he looks exactly like her. Hell smile a certain way or laugh and it will sound just like hers. I find it hard to look at him a few times but he's such a happy baby.

Although traits of Dimitri show on him everywhere, he had her personality. Sometimes I can't help but think what if that was us… What if I could give him all the things she did and we weren't living the way we are now? Questions that will never be answered, I guess. I mean living with Lissa and fire boy was good and all, and I had my friends and job to fulfill me but that wasn't really fulfilling me was it? Obviously.

And then, Tasha and Dimitri came back to court, Lissa had this big council debut and then they wanted to spend Anton's first birthday with Christian.

Then it was like this jolt of energy rushing threw me all at once. A sudden push of some sort, waking me up from my thoughts and into action. I have to leave, I have to! Get up, Rose and get out now, I say to myself but my body doesn't move. I had always fit into him like I belonged there; I'm content in his arms like this. But the pull or push or whatever this was, it was making me see things more clearly, making me realize this will never be.

This has been going on since they got here, three months ago, which is way too long. The first time it was just a kiss and then the next a full on make-out session. I felt conflicted between stopping it and letting it go on and well, guess which option won. We have been meeting like this for the last few weeks, me telling Lissa I was training or meeting up with Eddie. Then Dimitri would spring some bullshit lie to Tasha about I don't know what but he showed up.

Eddie was nice enough to give me a key to his guardian dorm since he knew I needed my own space away from them. He and Lissa knew I wasn't very comfortable with Tasha and Dimitri staying with us in the house. But I couldn't seem to stay away once Dimitri and I came face to face once again after so long. It was where we had decided to meet up for these… moments. If you would call them that, I guess.

I would usually get here first and then send a text to Dimitri that I was waiting. When ten minutes flew by he would reply for me to open the door. Two seconds later we were kissing, touching and ripping each other's clothes off. Then after we would talk until I fell asleep and then I would wake up. I would wake up to a letter or a rose with a note and it would say that he loved me. That he couldn't wait until the next time we could meet.

This time it finally hits me, like a slap to the face and my body moves off the bed on its own. When they leave I'll be alone again, waiting on him and he would be with them, his family. I had to leave before he woke up and all my suddenly spontaneous strength would parish right before me. So that's what I do, as quietly as ever I get dressed. I sneak glances at his sleeping form and continue to silently chant to myself to go.

A huge part of me wants him to wake up, to open his eyes and stop me from doing something I know is going to hurt but he doesn't. He just sleeps soundlessly, not moving a single inch as I write the last words I'll ever give him.


This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't want to do it but it's the only way I won't hurt anymore. I'll get through it though, so don't worry about me, I'm strong remember?

I am happy, however, that I got to love you even if it was for such a short time. Our time together will never be far from my thoughts. It will always be you and I will always love you because there are no others. I know doing this will hurt but one of us has to end it, for your family.

I won't make you choose and you will not have to hurt anyone. Just remember, Comrade, I love you. Always!